Working_Class
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2019
- Messages
- 523
I've been going through a big transition in my life. From being a boiler operator with a power engineering certificate after being a service rig hand for a year and a half around 2012 to 2013, steel stud framing and Interior Systems Mechanics before and after that, drywall was where my construction career started and it devolved from there, competitive lifting, Jr plant operator at waste treatment facilities for oil field waste, Jr plant operator for Canada malting etc etc. It's been a long hard journey, and I've always felt trapped in labor trades, because when I was young, I dropped out to go to work because school felt like a prison. And my one marketable skill was the ability to work very hard physically, and endure uncomfortable situations regularly.
After dropping out, I pursued my various career niches with as much enthusiasm as possible, finding that I was at a physical disadvantage however, because I was so small and weak when I started. When I started drywalling, I was about 170 lbs and started training and eating to gain weight and perform better at work, be in less back pain, and also for aesthetic reasons. There was a point when I was 20 when I finally hit 222 lbs without being on anabolics, but I still had on again off again back pain that was very hard to ignore, it would take me out for weeks at a time, and something had to change for me to continue to progress. It had been suggested to me that I try testosterone to help with the rehab process. So, that's what I did, my lifts at the time wren't incredible, my squat was 430 lbs, bench was 275 lbs, deadlift was 505 lbs and overhead was 225 x 5. 2 years later I weighed in at 260 lbs (gained 90 lbs of bodyweight), deadlifted my first 700, benched 365 x 5, could press 305 x 3 full clean and press and squatted 605, and things just kept getting heavier from there until injuries started piling up year after year. It was a pretty dramatic transformation, work became less and less important to me as lifting took priority in my life, and then things kept spiraling out of control in that direction for about a decade. My job choices were directed at gaining as much money as possible to feed my competitive habit, but I still worked lots of overtime and weekends, sleeping less than I should have, taking pills to wake up and for pain, and eventually started to IV opiates and get into fentanyl. I spent every minute of my time trying to eat as much as possible, train as much as possible, go for physical therapy, fly to competitions. It was just another hardcore addiction, and it was just on top of everything else that I was into, which was my ADHD medication, opiates, and all kinds of other drugs at some point or another, often used to help increase my productivity beyond a normal physiological limit. I treated my body like it was invincible, and at the young age of 30, oh buddy am I feeling the pain. I've had about 15 friends pass away along this journey, and I got very lucky with a few close calls myself. It was like Russian roulette daily. I've even IV'd opiates in rush hour traffic on the way home from work. It was just completely out of fucking control.
Since all that, I had moved cities to get away from the whole culture and life I built, maybe even to escape my self manufactured identity. I stayed on testosterone and competed for another 2 years, and just saw a decline in my performance over time, things were just breaking down because of day in day out construction, on top of hard training. The injuries were just piling up so fast that I couldn't keep it up. I was still using opiates (on again off again, it was never a constant thing, more intermittent as I also had a budget to adhere to) to help me get through working in the winter pouring rain on the west coast which is a lot colder then you might imagine. With sore feet, knees, back injuries, chronic shoulder issues, spit cracking skin, I was in so much pain physically, but mentally, I was suffering as well. I was stuck here, backed into this trade making a good wage, but in so much pain from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, to the second I went to sleep, and drugs, rehabilitation exercise, the sauna and liquor were some of the only things that got me any relief. It was pushing my thoughts to suicide regularly, mixing xanex with liquor steadily at one point, being put in situations at work that would never be put on a single man, but because I had built a reputation as a human forklift, they would just assign some of the most difficult tasks, like moving hundreds of sheets of drywall through buildings with no elevator by myself for months, or framing under staircases, or moving huge piles of steel material. There were normal days, sure, but I did get used like I was impervious to pain and fatigue, partly because I was pushing it so hard. It was just expected day in and day out. Give em an inch, they'll take a mile.
I quit steroids about 14 months ago, 2 months before my 30th birthday. I had announced that I was going to be leaving the trade to upgrade and prepare to build a career in physical therapy (made total sense because my daily pain was pushing me to suicidal tendencies), I've done a few part time jobs and renovations, generally gotten by for the last year while upgrading all the courses I had abandoned in the past due to disinterest. I'm at the stage now where I'm ready to jump into college for the next career I'll be getting into, have been clean off steroids for 14.5 months, I weigh 205 lbs which is a nice healthy weight for me, my blood pressure is much more stable (it was high, like VERY high all my competitive career, plus recreational drugs etc. It's a miracle I'm still alive), I've been acing all of my courses, off opiates, I drink much less, I have been way more balanced in general developing better financial habits to help stretch my limited income in a way that is sustainable for a student. I've done quite well, and I'm just about to go back to framing for a year to just focus on work, personal habits, financial preparation, and feel out the market and see how the market for physical therapy recovers over the next year (since the Corona has devastated the person to person contact market).
It's been a good year. It costed a lot of money financially, but I'm a better man for it, and I'm looking forward to doing my old job, for which I am fully equipped tool wise, and more importantly, mentally. My body is still in a significant amount of pain from my past choices, but my mental state is much more sustainable, and there isn't the same feeling of hopelessness and permanence as my role as a permanent laborer who is destined to toil in pain for the rest of his life. I don't want to kill myself anymore, I have a future, things are looking up, but it took a MASSIVE commitment to leave my past identity behind, lose a grand total of 50 lbs of muscle, accept myself as I am, and invest in developing myself for the possibility of helping others manage their chronic pain, so they can lead more active and fulfilling lives. It's all come full circle, and there is still about 4 years of work left before I get to the next licensed professional career, but there is a lot of promise, habits have changed, things are headed in a good direction.
I feel like a lot of people are on the fence in a life they are afraid to commit to change, The greater point is, if you want something, you have to fully commit yourself to that goal, bite down with everything you've got, and never let go. Just fucking go for it, the clock is ticking, you only have so much time in this world, and life is far too short to do something that makes you want to constantly escape, or lust for death, or relief from your day to day life. It's not easy, but it's a very worthwhile investment in yourself. So, I encourage you, if you are stuck in a difficult situation, to make a strategy to get to a place that is healthier for yourself.
After dropping out, I pursued my various career niches with as much enthusiasm as possible, finding that I was at a physical disadvantage however, because I was so small and weak when I started. When I started drywalling, I was about 170 lbs and started training and eating to gain weight and perform better at work, be in less back pain, and also for aesthetic reasons. There was a point when I was 20 when I finally hit 222 lbs without being on anabolics, but I still had on again off again back pain that was very hard to ignore, it would take me out for weeks at a time, and something had to change for me to continue to progress. It had been suggested to me that I try testosterone to help with the rehab process. So, that's what I did, my lifts at the time wren't incredible, my squat was 430 lbs, bench was 275 lbs, deadlift was 505 lbs and overhead was 225 x 5. 2 years later I weighed in at 260 lbs (gained 90 lbs of bodyweight), deadlifted my first 700, benched 365 x 5, could press 305 x 3 full clean and press and squatted 605, and things just kept getting heavier from there until injuries started piling up year after year. It was a pretty dramatic transformation, work became less and less important to me as lifting took priority in my life, and then things kept spiraling out of control in that direction for about a decade. My job choices were directed at gaining as much money as possible to feed my competitive habit, but I still worked lots of overtime and weekends, sleeping less than I should have, taking pills to wake up and for pain, and eventually started to IV opiates and get into fentanyl. I spent every minute of my time trying to eat as much as possible, train as much as possible, go for physical therapy, fly to competitions. It was just another hardcore addiction, and it was just on top of everything else that I was into, which was my ADHD medication, opiates, and all kinds of other drugs at some point or another, often used to help increase my productivity beyond a normal physiological limit. I treated my body like it was invincible, and at the young age of 30, oh buddy am I feeling the pain. I've had about 15 friends pass away along this journey, and I got very lucky with a few close calls myself. It was like Russian roulette daily. I've even IV'd opiates in rush hour traffic on the way home from work. It was just completely out of fucking control.
Since all that, I had moved cities to get away from the whole culture and life I built, maybe even to escape my self manufactured identity. I stayed on testosterone and competed for another 2 years, and just saw a decline in my performance over time, things were just breaking down because of day in day out construction, on top of hard training. The injuries were just piling up so fast that I couldn't keep it up. I was still using opiates (on again off again, it was never a constant thing, more intermittent as I also had a budget to adhere to) to help me get through working in the winter pouring rain on the west coast which is a lot colder then you might imagine. With sore feet, knees, back injuries, chronic shoulder issues, spit cracking skin, I was in so much pain physically, but mentally, I was suffering as well. I was stuck here, backed into this trade making a good wage, but in so much pain from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, to the second I went to sleep, and drugs, rehabilitation exercise, the sauna and liquor were some of the only things that got me any relief. It was pushing my thoughts to suicide regularly, mixing xanex with liquor steadily at one point, being put in situations at work that would never be put on a single man, but because I had built a reputation as a human forklift, they would just assign some of the most difficult tasks, like moving hundreds of sheets of drywall through buildings with no elevator by myself for months, or framing under staircases, or moving huge piles of steel material. There were normal days, sure, but I did get used like I was impervious to pain and fatigue, partly because I was pushing it so hard. It was just expected day in and day out. Give em an inch, they'll take a mile.
I quit steroids about 14 months ago, 2 months before my 30th birthday. I had announced that I was going to be leaving the trade to upgrade and prepare to build a career in physical therapy (made total sense because my daily pain was pushing me to suicidal tendencies), I've done a few part time jobs and renovations, generally gotten by for the last year while upgrading all the courses I had abandoned in the past due to disinterest. I'm at the stage now where I'm ready to jump into college for the next career I'll be getting into, have been clean off steroids for 14.5 months, I weigh 205 lbs which is a nice healthy weight for me, my blood pressure is much more stable (it was high, like VERY high all my competitive career, plus recreational drugs etc. It's a miracle I'm still alive), I've been acing all of my courses, off opiates, I drink much less, I have been way more balanced in general developing better financial habits to help stretch my limited income in a way that is sustainable for a student. I've done quite well, and I'm just about to go back to framing for a year to just focus on work, personal habits, financial preparation, and feel out the market and see how the market for physical therapy recovers over the next year (since the Corona has devastated the person to person contact market).
It's been a good year. It costed a lot of money financially, but I'm a better man for it, and I'm looking forward to doing my old job, for which I am fully equipped tool wise, and more importantly, mentally. My body is still in a significant amount of pain from my past choices, but my mental state is much more sustainable, and there isn't the same feeling of hopelessness and permanence as my role as a permanent laborer who is destined to toil in pain for the rest of his life. I don't want to kill myself anymore, I have a future, things are looking up, but it took a MASSIVE commitment to leave my past identity behind, lose a grand total of 50 lbs of muscle, accept myself as I am, and invest in developing myself for the possibility of helping others manage their chronic pain, so they can lead more active and fulfilling lives. It's all come full circle, and there is still about 4 years of work left before I get to the next licensed professional career, but there is a lot of promise, habits have changed, things are headed in a good direction.
I feel like a lot of people are on the fence in a life they are afraid to commit to change, The greater point is, if you want something, you have to fully commit yourself to that goal, bite down with everything you've got, and never let go. Just fucking go for it, the clock is ticking, you only have so much time in this world, and life is far too short to do something that makes you want to constantly escape, or lust for death, or relief from your day to day life. It's not easy, but it's a very worthwhile investment in yourself. So, I encourage you, if you are stuck in a difficult situation, to make a strategy to get to a place that is healthier for yourself.
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