EX is extremely angry because I smoked a few packs of cigs..

[ChipTrippyFox]

I've been trying to acquire funds and find a place of my own to move after I broke up with my GF of 7 years a couple months ago. Long story short she has been emotionally and psychologically abusive and manipulative. She's made efforts over the last year to improve but it wasn't enough for me to stay..
Things have been rocky but we had mutually decided that we could remain friends. She was extremely upset that I wanted to leave since I was all that she had but over the last few months she has come to accept my eventual departure and has even started seeking out romance with one of her exes (Not that I am 'allowed' to fall in love with anyone... but that's another story..)

I've been extremely stressed out over the last few months regarding this breakup and needing to move on my own with no support while also suffering from severe anxiety and moderate to sever depression.
Her and I had quit smoking together back in January 09. Looking for ways to cope with the stress and angst I have been feeling I ended up picking up the old cigarettes.. 2-3 a day for the last month(ish)
To be honest I thought she knew.. She's commented at times that I "smell like smoke" and just kinda scoffed and moved on.. She's let me use marijuana for a year now, but obviously marijuana and cigarettes smell a lot different.
I go to extreme lengths to respect the fact that she doesn't like the smell of smoke. I only smoke outside (I vape MJ inside though which she doesn't mind except when she's angry), I stand up wind from the smoke and I brush my teeth furiously after each one. I even used a rubber disposable glove every time to make sure my hand didn't smell.. Very effective BTW

It didn't take long for me to start feeling the ill side effects of tobacco smoke so I started thinking about e-cigs. A friend at work was selling one for real cheap (about the same as 2 packs of smokes) so I decided to give it a try so that I would stop thinking about using the "slow suicide sticks" as a method for keeping my mind off shit.
I bought the e-cig yesterday and I thought (being her friend and sharing stuff) that it would be cool to show her.. She didn't think so. She belittled me and said that it was stupid to waste my money on it. She was acting like I had just shown her real cigarettes... From there I realized that she really didn't know that I was smoking.. She got over it (or so I thought) and yesterday thereafter went fine. Today I was trying to show her some smoke rings with it and she said "Why did you even buy that.. you don't even smoke" to which I said "Actually I have been a little bit.. I thought you knew, honestly" and she LOST IT.

She started calling me the most irritating person she knows and that she "Cannot be friends with or respect someone who is so stupid"
She refuses to talk to me and insists that we aren't friends any more because I did that while living in "HER" house! (Which I pay rent and bills in also while I still live here). I don't understand!!!???

I don't even cause her nearly this much grief even though she's made some insanely poor financial and moralistic decisions in here life and even recently! For instance she spent nearly 10x what I paid for this ecig on a game over the last 2 months as well as the constant flow of junk food that helps manage her obesity.. And she says that she can not be friends with someone who is "As stupid as I am".... She's rapidly gained and lost friends in this game of hers and she has complained about losing friends to stupid drama recently.. yet despite all that she's put me through and all the manipulative controlling behavior that I put up with (which she knows she's done full well) she decides to push me away because I smoked a couple packs of cigarettes?!

NOW I have to worry about things like "Is she going to cut my internet off" "Is she going to break my stuff while Im out" "When will she choose to belittle me next"
I'm tired of her making herself the victim and them accusing me of doing exactly that!!! She also had agreed (as a friend) that she would help me look at apartments since I really don't know what I'm doing and I really need help; I've been afraid of holding friends while we were together because of her explosive behavior and she HATES the one friend I have that's offered to give me support and has threatened to kick me out on the street if I hang out with her. Now I don't know if she will help me and of course I'm afraid to ask...

This is what I get for being honest? Even if it was a "stupid decision" does me coming clean about smoking cigarettes really justify this abuse? (no.. but what do I do..)


Let me reiterate that I had acknowledged the health concerns associated with smoking and got a PV/eCig for harm reduction.. So the smoking was just a short binge..

 

[RDP89]

Tbh, she sounds pretty damn immature and also unable to let go. Why are you so worried about what she thinks about it?

 

[ChipTrippyFox]

Because she can be malicious and because I've spent 7 year being manipulated and conditioned to obedience in hopes for peace.. I know I'm a pussy.. but I'm growing up and I KNOW that I've surpassed her maturity level. I'm ready to improve my life but I still have to get over this hurdle of living here still.. I know I shouldn't care about what she thinks but I still have to tip toe around her to make sure she doesn't choose to yell at me, call me name, destroy my stuff or gank my utilities. I'm a very broken mess, a lot of it is because of how she treats me, but I'm currently making efforts to improve my emotional health.

I know that she pries at me to bring me down to her level of insecurity as well as inflating her own ego.. She tries to make me feel like I don't deserve to be happier elsewhere.. sometimes successfully.

I am 24 (young), she is 34
I am lean and pretty healthy, she is overweight and unkempt
I work full time (minimum wage but still), she gets a disability pension and sits at home all day
I am submissive and passive, she is aggressive and dominant.
I am intelligent and educated, she's.. not. We had both dropped out of highschool, but unlike her I still have a thirst for knowledge and self improvement. She just expects everyone to do stuff and think for her..

She doesn't want to take responsibility for her behavior and uses her mental health problems as justification.

 

[ChipTrippyFox]

Just to add to the insanity, a few minutes ago (despite an hour earlier calling me the "the most irritating person she knows") she called me into her room to show me a bunch of internet stuff.. She was speaking to me as if nothing had happened earlier. I tried bringing it up, but she dodged all the points in favor of ignorance.

She does this all the time.. And she wonders why I broke up with her and I've been slowly spiraling down into a pit of depression, anger and madness?

 

[Bagseed]

if you work full time, what keeps you from finding your own place? imo there's no reason whatsoever to stay with such a person. or did I overread something?

I'd say find a flat or a room and gtfo asap

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Tbh, she sounds pretty damn immature and also unable to let go. Why are you so worried about what she thinks about it?

I agree. One of my ex's, he smokes cigarettes/cigars at times, and my other ex he chews tobacco and I figure if both of them want to do this it's their choice.

I used to smoke herb, sometimes cigarettes, and mainly cigars socially with friends as a teenager, and no women or men I dated cared about this.

I was with an ex once that became a control freak like that. It happened slowly over time, and I eventually left and ended our relationship and communication because of that and other issues and factors and I moved out even though I had moved across the country to be with him and taken pretty much all of my things with me which I had to ship back or leave behind. Oh well.

Find somewhere else to live ASAP, either alone, or with a roommate, family member, or friend. Good luck.

 

[socko]

It sounds like the only reason you went out with her in the first place is because you were too young to recognize the fact that she has probably crossed a clinical line and is a psychopath/sociopath/clinical narcissist.

To a nonsmoker, the smell of tobacco cigarettes is one of the most vile smells ranking up there with shit, dead animals, and the body odor of homeless people. I can understand why she would be irritated if you are smoking in the house or smell like smoke all the time. But it doesn't give her the right to become abusive.

Ecigs, on the other hand, have no odor and they are safe. It doesn't even make your sweat stink the way chewing tobacco does. It doesn't affect her. She is probably mad because she hasn't figured out how to use Ecigs as a way to control you. She might be jealous too. I would hide the vaporizer and tell her you sold it.

 

[cashfl0w_d0nkey]

Why do you need help looking for an apartment? It's not difficult. Where are you located? In the States, browse places like Zillow or Craigslist online, find a realtor, or just look around town for places that might be renting. I can't imagine it is much different in other countries.

 

[pofacedhoe]

op this girlfriend of yours is asking to be dumped

run for the hills

 

[ChipTrippyFox]

if you work full time, what keeps you from finding your own place? imo there's no reason whatsoever to stay with such a person. or did I overread something?

I'd say find a flat or a room and gtfo asap

I won't go into huge details since it doesn't matter much to this topic; but I've been struggling with anxiety and depression and oppression. She's spent so much time digging into my psychology that I'm clearly suffering from stockholms syndrome. Also I've only been on full time hours for 4 or 5 months now after a financial fiasco that, I again, won't go into detail about. I only make minimum wage.
I had plans to move in with a work friend at one point but that fell through. I can not bring myself to live with a stranger and I have no family here. I've been saving up enough money to get my own apartment (I finally ended up with enough) so now I have to concore my telephone anxiety so that I can call around places.. I know a lot of you won't understand why I can't just be all like "Fuck U bitch! PEACE".. I really wish I could, guys.. she's clearly got a power over me from the 7 YEARS OF ABUSE.

I was with an ex once that became a control freak like that. It happened slowly over time, and I eventually left and ended our relationship and communication because of that and other issues and factors and I moved out even though I had moved across the country to be with him and taken pretty much all of my things with me. Oh well.

Find somewhere else to live ASAP, either alone, or with a roommate, family member, or friend. Good luck.

I also moved across the country when I was 17 to get away from my parents who refused to accept me as a bisexual gender-nonconforming son. I ended up moving in with my (now ex)GF as a roommate but things progressed...

It sounds like the only reason you went out with her in the first place is because you were too young to recognize the fact that she has probably crossed a clinical line and is a psychopath/sociopath/clinical narcissist.

To a nonsmoker, the smell of tobacco cigarettes is one of the most vile smells ranking up there with shit, dead animals, and the body odor of homeless people. I can understand why she would be irritated if you are smoking in the house or smell like smoke all the time. But it doesn't give her the right to become abusive.

Ecigs, on the other hand, have no odor and they are safe. It doesn't even make your sweat stink the way chewing tobacco does. It doesn't affect her. She is probably mad because she hasn't figured out how to use Ecigs as a way to control you. She might be jealous too. I would hide the vaporizer and tell her you sold it.

You are correct. I was 17 when we got together. I was a virgin, curious, confused and easily persuaded. Before I realized it I had trapped myself into a very unhealthy relationship and I allowed her to control me. At first I found it exciting since we agreed upon a pet/master style relationship. I had a collar and everything... I guess she ended up convincing me that I was in the wrong if I ever tried to tell her that she's said or done something to make me unhappy.

"To a nonsmoker, the smell of tobacco cigarettes is one of the most vile smells ranking up there with shit, dead animals, and the body odor of homeless people. I can understand why she would be irritated if you are smoking in the house or smell like smoke all the time".

From my original post:

"I go to extreme lengths to respect the fact that she doesn't like the smell of smoke. I only smoke outside, I stand up wind from the smoke and I brush my teeth furiously after each one. I even used a rubber disposable glove every time to make sure my hand didn't smell.. Very effective BTW."

Out of the several dozen times I've gone outside to have one while walking the dog, she's mentioned that I smell only a couple times. I also mentioned that I only had 2-3 each day. Surely it wasn't bad enough that she should have any reason to care about what I decide to do with my own body even if I AM still living in "her" place.. (Which AGAIN, I still pay to live here which she SHOULD be grateful for considering how much less money she'll have after I'm gone..)

Why do you need help looking for an apartment? It's not difficult. Where are you located? In the States, browse places like Zillow or Craigslist online, find a realtor, or just look around town for places that might be renting. I can't imagine it is much different in other countries.

I've always been really shy with anxiety problems. After spending 7 years with this abusive, controlling and manipulative woman, my anxiety has been amplified multi-fold with added depression and possible other un diagnosed mental illnesses..
It's not that I don't know what I have to do to find available apartments, it's that I don't know what to look for in an apartment, what questions to ask, the process of getting utilities set up, etc. as well as having a lack of emotional support due to being far away from family and only one good friend who is very very busy lately (along with being hated by my ex because I admitted to having some feelings for her.. different story)

op this girlfriend of yours is asking to be dumped

run for the hills

You do realize I mentioned several times that I'm in the process of doing that right? It's taken me far too long, I know.. but right now I'm crawling out of the hole.. baby steps at a time..

I guess it's become pretty clear that people aren't going to understand how a woman could possibly end up manipulating and abusing a man like this and surely I'm being thought of as pathetic and weak. Perhaps I am.. But I'm trying as hard as I can with the little bit of strength I have left.. I'm clinging to the will to live but barely..

It's just so hard for me to work up the courage to pick up the phone and call places. I've been told for 7 years about all the things I can't do and don't deserve in life.. The oppression has stuck with me on a subconscious level and I'm having a hard time telling myself that I can do this or that I deserve it..

 

[MoreAlkaloidsPLZ]

Find a cheap room for rent on craigslist and get the fuck out of there..

 

[llama112]

Get on Kijiji or Craigslist or whwatever. Drive around the neighbourhood and look for signs that say "For Rent". You CAN find a place, trust me. There are often little basement apartments for cheap too!

She's clearly not a good fit for you. You need to move on and stop letting her effect you like that. She's manipulative and negative, not the type of person you want to be around.

 

[socko]

You might be surprised how common your situation is. You have probably heard to the "henpecked husband." That is only a mild form. In the US, I believe 30-40 percent of abuse is done by the woman against the man. It ranges from verbal to psychological to physical.

What was your first reaction when she showed you her true face and you realized the woman of your dreams was really a foul harpy? The reasons a man puts up with it can be complex. it might be love or Stockholm Syndrome. Maybe the man is lonely - breakups are usually harder on men. The woman might be a psychopath who resorts to tantrums and violence while the man is too nice and too sane to retaliate physically. Sometimes the man is in a bad situation financially or there are children involved. Anyway, a lot of men spend their whole lives under the thumb of an abusive woman.

....
I guess it's become pretty clear that people aren't going to understand how a woman could possibly end up manipulating and abusing a man like this and surely I'm being thought of as pathetic and weak. Perhaps I am.. But I'm trying as hard as I can with the little bit of strength I have left.. I'm clinging to the will to live but barely..

It's just so hard for me to work up the courage to pick up the phone and call places. I've been told for 7 years about all the things I can't do and don't deserve in life.. The oppression has stuck with me on a subconscious level and I'm having a hard time telling myself that I can do this or that I deserve it..