Fuck, what do I say. I use to earn 200k+ a year, but a massive gambing addiction swept me away. I got to the point where I would burn every thousand that entered my wallet. Day in day out I would burn 800-1500$. At the end of it I would leave crown casino with $0 every fucking day. Some days I would blow say a thousand that night. Go see my dealer, have a chat and a smoke with him 5points plus in the pipe with a nav gas torch in a minute and then leave, or listen to his stories of his life when he use to be something important (70years old now). I would go to crown to get my $50 free daily spendage for the nights previous loss. I would then gamble it for petrol money being completely fucking broke with barely a dollar in my pocket. One time I remembered winning $900 off the $50 dollar daily, other times 500-600etc but still milking myself dry that I had not one cent left to my name by the time I left and struggling to get home even more with even less petrol in my tank. This would be a daily habit. Along with gambling addiction and a puff infatuation that although it wasn’t my addiction I would find myself alleviating my pain and stress in my life by smoking upto a gram every day to keep myself from worrying about my gambling addiction.
I lived in numerous accomdation around melboure. Many people would say that they would let me live with them for a while until I got back onto my feet. Ranging from numerous females to escorts to guys that had lived in prison most of there life to big time crime syndicate’rs to billionaires suffering mid life crisis’s who wanted me to live with them. No one could help me at this point in my life. I knew everything I was living was false and was wrong. All societal gain I had attributed to my lifestyle was false. Money and fame can’t buy happeniss. It isn’t monetary funding that can buy happiness nor our projected persona onto other characters. They are accepting and monopolosing what my societal projection was and what it could bring to them, not who I really was. I got deep within meditation and wished for change, kundalini meditating day in day out, upto 3 hours a day 3x1hour daily at points. Knowing that the happiness I was living was falsified through my projected eg. The more acquainted with this belief I got the more decertified I became with how my life was. After a big awakening I had revelating visions of deep insight into my spiritual nature which shook me to the core and taught me the ability to let down my ego and surrender to the nature of the experience. In doing so I suffered deep humiliation and had to go to hospital for 3 months. After this I was at a half way house for 1 month. To this date I still do not have my car, (3months later to being released) which before hospital was my livelihood, the car was 38.000km overdue for a service in the allocated time for a service renewal. I would drive everywhere to meet everyone all over Melbourne and now I am unable to drive. I have been readmitted to hospital once for utter bullshit. Because I was half the man I use to be and stood up to not being able to drive my car again.
I feel like I have sacrificed everything my life composed of in the past. I knew living truly and freely was something so much more sacred then money defining happiness and making a huge representation out of myself in the eyes of the public. I also sacrificed my capability in the eyes of people who owed me money, gotten way out of hand knowing I could of acted accordingly on numerous clientele very vigoursously may I add, and off redeemed what was owed to me. however I acted in the higher light. This act upon such mannerisms is how I devoted the rest of my life towards, the macrocosm of my life. Suffered numerous personalities regarding myself as mentally ill and spite forth. Now being considered a labell by most of society since hospital but nevertheless no hospital stay would of led these individuals claiming nothing force of myself the ill ability to think of actions rather than proclaimed labelling of another individual or health board in this situation. I suffered deep hallucinations, from daily thinking I smelt of some horrid putrid smell that know one could put up with, to auditory hallucinations of people blatantly calling myself out for my smell. To full visions of scenes that did not excist while laying in a friends bed and imaging an enactment of what was going on in the lounge room. To thought projection for months on end where the whole world reacted to every single thought that came through my mind and judge it all accordingly leading me to say stupid way out things out of humility of saying something embarrassing. Eventually I managed to get over others opinions and being someone who my whole life was overly sensitive to the opinions of others started to rarely take offence in to what others thought until one day miraculously the thought projection haltered and I overcame my worries of others thoughts on myself. I was no longer victimed to this rare ordeal. I had overcome it.
Along with many other mental projections, from real life hallucinations within my bedroom in hospital of snakes crawling all over my body and eating over me to consume my visions so that when I opened my eyelids each time a larger fraction of my eyesight was blackness taking the form of a snakes mouth with two fangs. When they consume your eyesight 100% and you open youreyes to blackness… are you still excistant? Where are you when you open your eyes to complete blackness. Many other scenes enacted over myself in and our of hospital. Including visions so enlivivening with complete colour and vivaciousness that when my eyes were open or closed the hallunciations were just as intense. Which was really real and would I immense myself withing my hallucinations to not decipher between awake and asleep. Present or future, as the realness to it completely overrules time, it not longer excisted past or present when both images along with unseen immnencipated my closed eye, to nodding off to sleep could be part of a dream which is unconscious portrayal but while awake could be present but was not, although it was real in my present.
I lived in numerous accomdation around melboure. Many people would say that they would let me live with them for a while until I got back onto my feet. Ranging from numerous females to escorts to guys that had lived in prison most of there life to big time crime syndicate’rs to billionaires suffering mid life crisis’s who wanted me to live with them. No one could help me at this point in my life. I knew everything I was living was false and was wrong. All societal gain I had attributed to my lifestyle was false. Money and fame can’t buy happeniss. It isn’t monetary funding that can buy happiness nor our projected persona onto other characters. They are accepting and monopolosing what my societal projection was and what it could bring to them, not who I really was. I got deep within meditation and wished for change, kundalini meditating day in day out, upto 3 hours a day 3x1hour daily at points. Knowing that the happiness I was living was falsified through my projected eg. The more acquainted with this belief I got the more decertified I became with how my life was. After a big awakening I had revelating visions of deep insight into my spiritual nature which shook me to the core and taught me the ability to let down my ego and surrender to the nature of the experience. In doing so I suffered deep humiliation and had to go to hospital for 3 months. After this I was at a half way house for 1 month. To this date I still do not have my car, (3months later to being released) which before hospital was my livelihood, the car was 38.000km overdue for a service in the allocated time for a service renewal. I would drive everywhere to meet everyone all over Melbourne and now I am unable to drive. I have been readmitted to hospital once for utter bullshit. Because I was half the man I use to be and stood up to not being able to drive my car again.
I feel like I have sacrificed everything my life composed of in the past. I knew living truly and freely was something so much more sacred then money defining happiness and making a huge representation out of myself in the eyes of the public. I also sacrificed my capability in the eyes of people who owed me money, gotten way out of hand knowing I could of acted accordingly on numerous clientele very vigoursously may I add, and off redeemed what was owed to me. however I acted in the higher light. This act upon such mannerisms is how I devoted the rest of my life towards, the macrocosm of my life. Suffered numerous personalities regarding myself as mentally ill and spite forth. Now being considered a labell by most of society since hospital but nevertheless no hospital stay would of led these individuals claiming nothing force of myself the ill ability to think of actions rather than proclaimed labelling of another individual or health board in this situation. I suffered deep hallucinations, from daily thinking I smelt of some horrid putrid smell that know one could put up with, to auditory hallucinations of people blatantly calling myself out for my smell. To full visions of scenes that did not excist while laying in a friends bed and imaging an enactment of what was going on in the lounge room. To thought projection for months on end where the whole world reacted to every single thought that came through my mind and judge it all accordingly leading me to say stupid way out things out of humility of saying something embarrassing. Eventually I managed to get over others opinions and being someone who my whole life was overly sensitive to the opinions of others started to rarely take offence in to what others thought until one day miraculously the thought projection haltered and I overcame my worries of others thoughts on myself. I was no longer victimed to this rare ordeal. I had overcome it.
Along with many other mental projections, from real life hallucinations within my bedroom in hospital of snakes crawling all over my body and eating over me to consume my visions so that when I opened my eyelids each time a larger fraction of my eyesight was blackness taking the form of a snakes mouth with two fangs. When they consume your eyesight 100% and you open youreyes to blackness… are you still excistant? Where are you when you open your eyes to complete blackness. Many other scenes enacted over myself in and our of hospital. Including visions so enlivivening with complete colour and vivaciousness that when my eyes were open or closed the hallunciations were just as intense. Which was really real and would I immense myself withing my hallucinations to not decipher between awake and asleep. Present or future, as the realness to it completely overrules time, it not longer excisted past or present when both images along with unseen immnencipated my closed eye, to nodding off to sleep could be part of a dream which is unconscious portrayal but while awake could be present but was not, although it was real in my present.
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