Hi guys,
I apologize for the very long post, but the in-depth detail of this will help to provide a background and may help for people suffering the same thing that I am. Please, if you can help, read the story and provide advice.
I need some advice and having some issues in (and out) of the bedroom. Basically, I had never done any hard drugs before, just smoked weed very occasionally and I liked to drink. Pills were always super super effective on me and two cups of coffee would make me stay up all night and give me the shakes/tremors, so I was ALWAYS reluctant to try anything. I have always had a super addictive personality, but finally half way through my junior year of college, my friends convinced me to take adderall to help with my studies (my dad passed away unexpectedly and I was having a lot of trouble keeping up with school work so they got the best of me). The first 5 mg pill I took.. I was hooked. I swore up and down that I had ADD my whole life and this finally "opened my eyes to what normal people feel like". Well, the good old saying in NA is "one is too many and a thousand is never enough".. and that's what happened to me.
The first time I tried it, I continually took 5 mg every 1-2 hours until I peaked around 40mg. I played video games for about 10 hours straight, studied for like 8 hours, and stayed up for 3 days. I hallucinated pretty bad trying to go to sleep after it but I didn't care at all, I felt like I had finally found what I was missing in my life (damn addictive personality... I KNEW this would happen, but I was so weak and down from my dad's death). Anyways, I convinced myself that I would only use for school work and I did just that, I used for EVERY SINGLE test, homework assignment, project, etc. I would dose about 40-60mg in a sitting and let the effects hit, it was complete bliss. For my finals week, I went 5 days straight dosing about 60mg a day and didn't sleep, I snorted it for the first time then too, about 20mg, because oral dosage wasn't cutting it on the 5th day of being awake. This usage continued until the end of my senior year, but I only snorted it twice ever, all the other administration was oral, I was scared to mess up my nose. I would say I used about 40-60mg every week for 1.5 years and on three occasions I used 40-60mg for 3-5 days straight. The last 6 months using the drug, I kept telling my roommate that I HATED this shit and it gave me the worst hangovers ever, I would just lay in bed for 2 days after and I didn't want to do ANYTHING at all.. dopamine depletion or something. I literally forced myself to take it just to do school work, I was dependent on it and didn't even know.
At the time my friends told me it was like strong caffeine so I never knew about the negative effects. I was spiraling into depression during this time and all I could attribute it to was my dads death, I didn't even THINK the adderall was the cause. I had decreased sex drive, issues with erections, trouble focusing in school, felt like complete shit. I started working out hardcore to make up for the bad feelings and it helped... if I didn't work out one day I felt horrible so I thought that I had to workout everyday. I graduated and stopped using for 6 months, I was away from my friends and didn't have school work so no need to use. I couldn't find a job though and the depression was lingering so I felt like it was a good idea to move back up with my friends so I wasn't alone at home. Little did I know they were still using a lot of Oxy, heroin, and adderall. I would never touch any other drug but I said "sure" to the adderall. I dosed hard, daily, for about 2 months. All I did was play video games and drink on it and talk to strangers outside our apartment, I was in bliss while on it again and I felt like I was cruising again in life.
One day though I took a huge dose, like 200 mg's over 2 days and I had really bad amph psychosis. My heart was beating like 120+ beats a minute and I thought I was going to die. I had voices in my head and people were having full fledged conversations that didn't exist. I saw hallucinations and shadow people. I took sleeping pills and forced myself to sleep, I never felt right after that day. I left my friends immediately after that, I felt like I was destroying my life there and I would either end up in a mental hospital or dead if I stayed. I searched for jobs all over the country and found one within a week and moved away immediately.
In my new life, I was doing well in my job and I wasn't using. I just drank a lot because if I didn't work out or drink, I felt horrible, I had induced myself really bad depression from the adderall (but I still didn't realize it was the adderall at the time). I drowned myself in a bottle of wine a night and I ran in the morning, at least an hour, or I felt horrible. I didn't enjoy playing video games anymore unless I was chugging coffee.. come to think of it, I didn't enjoy anything unless I was on a stimulant or drunk. Oh well, I felt that this is just the pains of life and it would work itself out, depression runs in my family so I'd get through it.
I met a girl and fell in love, we dated for a few months. I was smooth with her and we kicked it pretty good. I would drink whenever we were together though because I just felt like shit not on anything. I found if I had like 3-4 drinks, I could talk socially like I was on 5mg of adderall and I didn't have any depression, I was amazing. We hit it off well and started a relationship pretty quickly. After a few months, we tried having sex... my erection lasted for a minute, maybe two minutes, I put it in and it went down. I thought "what the hell is happening??".. we tried again, same thing. I could only stay up for a minute. This has never happened to me before and I've had some wild crazy sex girlfriends in the past (... before the adderall usage). I didn't understand at all. I thought if I just stuck it in and kept going it would get up again.. so we tried it and I was limp the whole time, ejaculated limp (WTF). Then, I started thinking, I didn't really ever masterbate anymore or look at porn; hell I didn't even have a sex drive at all. Come to think of it, I haven't had an erection in a while.
I looked up online for ED in young males (I'm 25 btw) and found that drug abuse was a cause... drug abuse I thought... not the adderall... it couldn't be. I looked up adderall abuse and holy shit my eyes were opened. I read and researched like a mother fucker, for days, weeks. I learned everything I could learn about this shit and the effects of abuse... I now realized I hadn't had a morning erection or spontaneous erection since my 2 month binge (9 months ago)... and I was RARELY turned on by anything in this 9 month period. This was in December of 2010.
I freaked out... bad. I became super depressed/anxious and I couldn't function. My life was wrecked. No sex drive, no erections, no enjoyment in daily life activities. Had to be drunk or had to exercise to feel remotely okay for just that day. What have I done to myself I thought? I became suicidal, what's the point of living like this. Trapped.. like a prisoner of war or holocaust victim or something. I wanted to die, I called my mom and told her I couldn't bear this anymore. She flew up the next day from FL (I'm in VA) because I was going to commit suicide that night, it was over.. she asked me to hang on for 1 day and I did. She stayed with me for a week and walked me through the week, ensuring I didn't kill myself. It felt better to talk to someone about it, even if I was talking about how I couldn't possibly survive anymore and that my life was ruined, it still helped. Within that week she convinced me to start therapy and go to a psychiatrist... I admit, I fucking love life, and I realized that because I loved life so much was the reason why I was suicidal... it pained me so much to have damaged the gift of life, that I couldn't bear it.
I started therapy and the psychiatrist put me on seroquel and cymbalta immediately. I've been on seroquel for about 2 months and cymbalta for 1.5 months. I've been going to therapy every week for over 2 months now. It's all helped a little bit, I can get through the day now, I don't want to commit suicide... but life sucks still, it's not fun and it sucks... but it's manageable. My GP also gave me cialis and it works, 20mg at first and it was working for a month, then 10mg and I can have sex with my girlfriend, thank god. I tried 5mg but it didn't work, oh well there was a SMALL light in a vast realm of darkness.
At the time of taking anti-depressants I quit drinking and continued to work out. I started a multi-vitamin and omega 3 pills. I've been eating healthier and working towards a healthy lifestyle.
My girlfriend and I decided to take two weeks off of sex and I abstained from all porn. I didn't receive one erection during this two week period. During the middle of the night I will wake up with a semi-erection but it goes away within 10 seconds or so. Still VERY low sex drive.
Now here I am... 13 months since my last adderall use, 2 months clean of alcohol and I'm on anti-depressants. Still suffering from ED, still suffering from lack of sex drive, still don't enjoy anything in my life. I look in the mirror and see a fat and unattractive person (I'm 6 ft tall and 160 lbs) yet everyone says they see a hot, muscular, and fit person but that I'm a bit too skinny... I see fatness. I've developed BDD (body dysmorphic disorder)... and also, of course, the anxiety, and depression.
All the doctors say it's psychological. It's the adderall. I was never like this before, I was always SUPER horny and I loved life. Maybe it's because addiction and depression run in my family. Maybe it's because I now know that I am not invulnerable. Maybe it's because I now fear death and whenever something is out of the ordinary (irregular heartbeat, blurry vision, etc.) I run to the phone and have my fingers on 9-1-1 in case I need to call the ambulance and I start thinking of how I want to die. Whatever it is, it all started from that first use, from that first pill. I KNEW I shouldn't have taken it... but I did. And here I am, looking for any advice, anything that can help.
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Will I ever be horny again? Will I ever enjoy sex, video games, food, anything in my life? Will I ever be happy? Will I ever have an erection without cialis again? I need help guys and I need help bad. No doctors can give me answers, so I need help from people who have been here.
TLDR version - took a shit load of adderall for 1.5 years, 13 months later and still suffering from Anhedonia and ED. No erections, no sex drive, no enjoyment in anything. Please give advice.
Thanks,
Bunnyx
I apologize for the very long post, but the in-depth detail of this will help to provide a background and may help for people suffering the same thing that I am. Please, if you can help, read the story and provide advice.
I need some advice and having some issues in (and out) of the bedroom. Basically, I had never done any hard drugs before, just smoked weed very occasionally and I liked to drink. Pills were always super super effective on me and two cups of coffee would make me stay up all night and give me the shakes/tremors, so I was ALWAYS reluctant to try anything. I have always had a super addictive personality, but finally half way through my junior year of college, my friends convinced me to take adderall to help with my studies (my dad passed away unexpectedly and I was having a lot of trouble keeping up with school work so they got the best of me). The first 5 mg pill I took.. I was hooked. I swore up and down that I had ADD my whole life and this finally "opened my eyes to what normal people feel like". Well, the good old saying in NA is "one is too many and a thousand is never enough".. and that's what happened to me.
The first time I tried it, I continually took 5 mg every 1-2 hours until I peaked around 40mg. I played video games for about 10 hours straight, studied for like 8 hours, and stayed up for 3 days. I hallucinated pretty bad trying to go to sleep after it but I didn't care at all, I felt like I had finally found what I was missing in my life (damn addictive personality... I KNEW this would happen, but I was so weak and down from my dad's death). Anyways, I convinced myself that I would only use for school work and I did just that, I used for EVERY SINGLE test, homework assignment, project, etc. I would dose about 40-60mg in a sitting and let the effects hit, it was complete bliss. For my finals week, I went 5 days straight dosing about 60mg a day and didn't sleep, I snorted it for the first time then too, about 20mg, because oral dosage wasn't cutting it on the 5th day of being awake. This usage continued until the end of my senior year, but I only snorted it twice ever, all the other administration was oral, I was scared to mess up my nose. I would say I used about 40-60mg every week for 1.5 years and on three occasions I used 40-60mg for 3-5 days straight. The last 6 months using the drug, I kept telling my roommate that I HATED this shit and it gave me the worst hangovers ever, I would just lay in bed for 2 days after and I didn't want to do ANYTHING at all.. dopamine depletion or something. I literally forced myself to take it just to do school work, I was dependent on it and didn't even know.
At the time my friends told me it was like strong caffeine so I never knew about the negative effects. I was spiraling into depression during this time and all I could attribute it to was my dads death, I didn't even THINK the adderall was the cause. I had decreased sex drive, issues with erections, trouble focusing in school, felt like complete shit. I started working out hardcore to make up for the bad feelings and it helped... if I didn't work out one day I felt horrible so I thought that I had to workout everyday. I graduated and stopped using for 6 months, I was away from my friends and didn't have school work so no need to use. I couldn't find a job though and the depression was lingering so I felt like it was a good idea to move back up with my friends so I wasn't alone at home. Little did I know they were still using a lot of Oxy, heroin, and adderall. I would never touch any other drug but I said "sure" to the adderall. I dosed hard, daily, for about 2 months. All I did was play video games and drink on it and talk to strangers outside our apartment, I was in bliss while on it again and I felt like I was cruising again in life.
One day though I took a huge dose, like 200 mg's over 2 days and I had really bad amph psychosis. My heart was beating like 120+ beats a minute and I thought I was going to die. I had voices in my head and people were having full fledged conversations that didn't exist. I saw hallucinations and shadow people. I took sleeping pills and forced myself to sleep, I never felt right after that day. I left my friends immediately after that, I felt like I was destroying my life there and I would either end up in a mental hospital or dead if I stayed. I searched for jobs all over the country and found one within a week and moved away immediately.
In my new life, I was doing well in my job and I wasn't using. I just drank a lot because if I didn't work out or drink, I felt horrible, I had induced myself really bad depression from the adderall (but I still didn't realize it was the adderall at the time). I drowned myself in a bottle of wine a night and I ran in the morning, at least an hour, or I felt horrible. I didn't enjoy playing video games anymore unless I was chugging coffee.. come to think of it, I didn't enjoy anything unless I was on a stimulant or drunk. Oh well, I felt that this is just the pains of life and it would work itself out, depression runs in my family so I'd get through it.
I met a girl and fell in love, we dated for a few months. I was smooth with her and we kicked it pretty good. I would drink whenever we were together though because I just felt like shit not on anything. I found if I had like 3-4 drinks, I could talk socially like I was on 5mg of adderall and I didn't have any depression, I was amazing. We hit it off well and started a relationship pretty quickly. After a few months, we tried having sex... my erection lasted for a minute, maybe two minutes, I put it in and it went down. I thought "what the hell is happening??".. we tried again, same thing. I could only stay up for a minute. This has never happened to me before and I've had some wild crazy sex girlfriends in the past (... before the adderall usage). I didn't understand at all. I thought if I just stuck it in and kept going it would get up again.. so we tried it and I was limp the whole time, ejaculated limp (WTF). Then, I started thinking, I didn't really ever masterbate anymore or look at porn; hell I didn't even have a sex drive at all. Come to think of it, I haven't had an erection in a while.
I looked up online for ED in young males (I'm 25 btw) and found that drug abuse was a cause... drug abuse I thought... not the adderall... it couldn't be. I looked up adderall abuse and holy shit my eyes were opened. I read and researched like a mother fucker, for days, weeks. I learned everything I could learn about this shit and the effects of abuse... I now realized I hadn't had a morning erection or spontaneous erection since my 2 month binge (9 months ago)... and I was RARELY turned on by anything in this 9 month period. This was in December of 2010.
I freaked out... bad. I became super depressed/anxious and I couldn't function. My life was wrecked. No sex drive, no erections, no enjoyment in daily life activities. Had to be drunk or had to exercise to feel remotely okay for just that day. What have I done to myself I thought? I became suicidal, what's the point of living like this. Trapped.. like a prisoner of war or holocaust victim or something. I wanted to die, I called my mom and told her I couldn't bear this anymore. She flew up the next day from FL (I'm in VA) because I was going to commit suicide that night, it was over.. she asked me to hang on for 1 day and I did. She stayed with me for a week and walked me through the week, ensuring I didn't kill myself. It felt better to talk to someone about it, even if I was talking about how I couldn't possibly survive anymore and that my life was ruined, it still helped. Within that week she convinced me to start therapy and go to a psychiatrist... I admit, I fucking love life, and I realized that because I loved life so much was the reason why I was suicidal... it pained me so much to have damaged the gift of life, that I couldn't bear it.
I started therapy and the psychiatrist put me on seroquel and cymbalta immediately. I've been on seroquel for about 2 months and cymbalta for 1.5 months. I've been going to therapy every week for over 2 months now. It's all helped a little bit, I can get through the day now, I don't want to commit suicide... but life sucks still, it's not fun and it sucks... but it's manageable. My GP also gave me cialis and it works, 20mg at first and it was working for a month, then 10mg and I can have sex with my girlfriend, thank god. I tried 5mg but it didn't work, oh well there was a SMALL light in a vast realm of darkness.
At the time of taking anti-depressants I quit drinking and continued to work out. I started a multi-vitamin and omega 3 pills. I've been eating healthier and working towards a healthy lifestyle.
My girlfriend and I decided to take two weeks off of sex and I abstained from all porn. I didn't receive one erection during this two week period. During the middle of the night I will wake up with a semi-erection but it goes away within 10 seconds or so. Still VERY low sex drive.
Now here I am... 13 months since my last adderall use, 2 months clean of alcohol and I'm on anti-depressants. Still suffering from ED, still suffering from lack of sex drive, still don't enjoy anything in my life. I look in the mirror and see a fat and unattractive person (I'm 6 ft tall and 160 lbs) yet everyone says they see a hot, muscular, and fit person but that I'm a bit too skinny... I see fatness. I've developed BDD (body dysmorphic disorder)... and also, of course, the anxiety, and depression.
All the doctors say it's psychological. It's the adderall. I was never like this before, I was always SUPER horny and I loved life. Maybe it's because addiction and depression run in my family. Maybe it's because I now know that I am not invulnerable. Maybe it's because I now fear death and whenever something is out of the ordinary (irregular heartbeat, blurry vision, etc.) I run to the phone and have my fingers on 9-1-1 in case I need to call the ambulance and I start thinking of how I want to die. Whatever it is, it all started from that first use, from that first pill. I KNEW I shouldn't have taken it... but I did. And here I am, looking for any advice, anything that can help.
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Will I ever be horny again? Will I ever enjoy sex, video games, food, anything in my life? Will I ever be happy? Will I ever have an erection without cialis again? I need help guys and I need help bad. No doctors can give me answers, so I need help from people who have been here.
TLDR version - took a shit load of adderall for 1.5 years, 13 months later and still suffering from Anhedonia and ED. No erections, no sex drive, no enjoyment in anything. Please give advice.
Thanks,
Bunnyx
