Hey Yellolab.. I really feel you on this one. I have been addicted to a couple different drugs, but the IV coke, especially when mixed with alcohol was buy far the strongest addiction I have ever experienced. This is how it was for me, I took it to the point that the drug really no longer worked at all, six seconds after the first shot, it experienced instantaneous paranoia, had insane thoughts and experienced audio and visual hallucinations. The thoughts were like the ones that allot of people that experience stimulant psychosis, thoughts of surveillance and Law enforcement surveillance and waiting for them to kick the door down. The visuals were of the shadow people or sometimes the tree people. Its interesting that all of us who have seen the shadow people eventually get to see the hooded man and the hat man.. I always wondered where such a specific manifestation comes from as we all seem to experience the same thing, still makes me wonder if it is somehow real. these are some threads that explore the shadow people.. be carefull they can contain triggers
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/586543-Who-are-the-shadow-people http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/...rity-in-the-experience-of-stimulant-psychoses.. any way I through that out here because I know it thought I was going insane and maybee I was but aparently allot of other people get to the same exact place. I got to where you are at and made it out and now live a good life and havn't shot coke for a long time.. though out of all the substances I developed a problem for this one still wispers.
Here are some things I would try if I were you.. all of them i feel had a good impact on my ability to stop doing this..
Try a mood stabalizer, if you are like me it wont be something you have to stay on just something that calmes down the bipolar like pattern that i feel leads to the relapse cycle.. lithium was the one that worked for me but lamictal may be another option. I feel that buy leveling out the highs and lows you will exspierince less of a compusion to use.
Not that you ever have to relapse again, but incase get a note book and take the time to write down before a relapse how you think the experience of using the drug will be and then when the nightmare is over write down how it actually was.. keep these entries in order. as you begin to be triggered or are thinking of useing go back and read the entries that you have put in the journal. When cocain whispers to us she always says that if we hang out with her she will make us feel like king of the universe again, SHE LIES!! she actually drops us in hell.. buy doing this journal you will be able to show her her lies as she is trying to whisper the same old BS. This may help you form a solid defense made out of undeniable truths so that when the fit hits you can shut it down buy having no doubt in your mind that she doesn't work and never will again.
Give up on any plan you think will allow you to have just one a day or one a week or just a set amount every once and awhile. Everything i tried in this respect failed miserably and immediately. Just take my word for it.. IT WONT WORK.. PM me your plans on how to be able to use and I will tell you how insane they are and how they will fail
IMO drop the bezos as I think the will do the opposite and weaken you defenses against use.
I wish you all the strength and perseverance. I went so large and got to such a bad place with this, but made it out and you can too
, don't beet yourself up.. You can make it out of this.. keep us informed at how it goes. Hang in there
EDIT: The results of exercise can be a real trigger but also make a huge positive difference in the way you feel.. think about setting up an exercise/meeting schedule.. so plan your exercise so that directly afterward you are able to hit a recovery meeting. Also the more meeting in this case the better and a big support group, call as soon as you are triggered, find a way to shut the cravings down and practice it while you are in rehab. Best of luck.
