Tiltedshots
Greenlighter
I wrote this a few months ago. It started out as a simple journey entry, but quickly became a scribbled letter to someone no longer in my arms, but refuses to leave my heart and mind.. It's a shit letter, but I figured I'd put it here.
I got tricked into discussing you today. I haven’t thought about you on purpose in a while, progress right? I was trying to avoid a completely unrelated argument when he went to ask me something and I blocked, and then I heard what? He spoke your name as if it was just another word printed on a sheet.
Everybody reminds me to confront my demons, but what if I feel better by not confronting the situation, or said person, or just anything. I don’t get mad at them; they don’t know you’re one of my supposed demons. But, I didn’t make you the way you were when you came to me. You know as well as I do, what the outside reasons were joining us. You declined so fast in a little over a year. We all did, different days and months time, different decisions, different poisons.
Everybody swore up and down that they knew the basics, but my question is how did everyone see the beginning when there was never plans until things just happened? Maybe because they knew us as people, they knew the ending. But, I swear they would’ve been so fucking wrong. Because you were it. You were it at the apartment. You were it when we split ways. You were still fucking it when I came back home. And even then, when you came here, I was totally crazy at that point, seeing you in front of me after so long. You probably didn’t notice how close you were to me. I could feel the bed breathing under you and I was stealing warmth without ever touching you. I could feel the faintest connection even then. Watching you become the person you’ve become is art to me. You see dead and broken, I see city skylines and the colors of the setting sun. I see ancient Egyptian pyramids, there are obviously pieces missing, but you were more than the dusk, more than the skylines. You were the color of my veins, my favorite gum, my sleepy calm, and my best speed high. You were everything illegal and beautiful. You were everything I would’ve gone down for with a smile.
I’m not going to claim that the electricity meant we were in love. But, I will admit I believed that given time, it could’ve happened. There are days when I wake up and okay with you being gone. There are days where I open my eyes expecting you to be sleeping next to me. But, on either of those days, I still think of you. I still feel you creep in my head and the simple thought of you sends sparks flying down only the best parts of me and I can taste you with the hint of your favorite whiskey. I could smell you when I wore the shirts I had left. I hated whiskey before you. I was always the one trying to find high class anything, do maybe I’d feel better if I sipped on classic shit. But, I swear I’d drink myself into an early grave if I knew it’d bring you home.
I knew to begin with that you still loved her. when you were talking and the way you said her name; even in anger. You could hear it through all of it. But, I didn’t mind. A part of me wants to understand so badly and the other part just wanted you..
And I was begging for you to stay for awhile..
In our shed kingdom, we were gods. We controlled time and space. The moment was ours until we decided to spend another moment. The circle of life was irrelevant. Our lives were irrelevant. For once, life could wait on us to begin life. It’s absolutely terrifying and fascinating all at once to see what can happen and who you become in just a few short months. You would sometimes bitch about how fast time went by. You hated it because I know how forgetful you could be sometimes, lol. But, I never forgot anything we ever pinkie promised. And just like I promised you no matter what happens, I’ll be here. For now, it would be as long as it took for you to know the electricity was more than just this sudden shock of strange. It symbolizes so much more. It’s the transfer of emotions, the power of trade, the highs and lows. Even the ideas and everything in between. It’s you, and until I feel differently, it will always be you. He still left and I feel the same. I was hurt about him, but I’ve come to realize that my internal episodes that cause me to stay calm and collected, hold so much more meaning than my hysterical bouts of crying rage. You created the safety net effect for me in the most dangerous ways. I know it’s still you even while you’re gone because of how I dealt with the other knight after you left. I think my biggest problem with him this last time was I was selfish and was trying to see if he could recreate the effect you left me. But, he couldn’t, and I tried to be patient and see if he could do it and he wouldn’t. I don’t think he could if he tried. I was stupid by trying to replace the ghost that I can’t and will never wash off. And I looked like an idiot trying to force myself to love him. You created the safety net and he picked out the nice things he found in it and tossed the rest like trash. I think I cried because of me. Because even though I was subconsciously wasting my time with him to keep my head on, I was more mad at myself for letting him harm what you pieced back together. You left, but at least you made sure the pieces stayed slightly in order when you left. He just fucking knocked it off the wall when he slammed the door behind him. I loved him, but I meant when I said I’d always love you more than I did any of them. No matter whether we die here or there, alone or together with the rest of the world’s slaves, I’ll spend eternity burning in your spark just to show you that if that’s what it takes to care of you, then so be it.
I got tricked into discussing you today. I haven’t thought about you on purpose in a while, progress right? I was trying to avoid a completely unrelated argument when he went to ask me something and I blocked, and then I heard what? He spoke your name as if it was just another word printed on a sheet.
Everybody reminds me to confront my demons, but what if I feel better by not confronting the situation, or said person, or just anything. I don’t get mad at them; they don’t know you’re one of my supposed demons. But, I didn’t make you the way you were when you came to me. You know as well as I do, what the outside reasons were joining us. You declined so fast in a little over a year. We all did, different days and months time, different decisions, different poisons.
Everybody swore up and down that they knew the basics, but my question is how did everyone see the beginning when there was never plans until things just happened? Maybe because they knew us as people, they knew the ending. But, I swear they would’ve been so fucking wrong. Because you were it. You were it at the apartment. You were it when we split ways. You were still fucking it when I came back home. And even then, when you came here, I was totally crazy at that point, seeing you in front of me after so long. You probably didn’t notice how close you were to me. I could feel the bed breathing under you and I was stealing warmth without ever touching you. I could feel the faintest connection even then. Watching you become the person you’ve become is art to me. You see dead and broken, I see city skylines and the colors of the setting sun. I see ancient Egyptian pyramids, there are obviously pieces missing, but you were more than the dusk, more than the skylines. You were the color of my veins, my favorite gum, my sleepy calm, and my best speed high. You were everything illegal and beautiful. You were everything I would’ve gone down for with a smile.
I’m not going to claim that the electricity meant we were in love. But, I will admit I believed that given time, it could’ve happened. There are days when I wake up and okay with you being gone. There are days where I open my eyes expecting you to be sleeping next to me. But, on either of those days, I still think of you. I still feel you creep in my head and the simple thought of you sends sparks flying down only the best parts of me and I can taste you with the hint of your favorite whiskey. I could smell you when I wore the shirts I had left. I hated whiskey before you. I was always the one trying to find high class anything, do maybe I’d feel better if I sipped on classic shit. But, I swear I’d drink myself into an early grave if I knew it’d bring you home.
I knew to begin with that you still loved her. when you were talking and the way you said her name; even in anger. You could hear it through all of it. But, I didn’t mind. A part of me wants to understand so badly and the other part just wanted you..
And I was begging for you to stay for awhile..
In our shed kingdom, we were gods. We controlled time and space. The moment was ours until we decided to spend another moment. The circle of life was irrelevant. Our lives were irrelevant. For once, life could wait on us to begin life. It’s absolutely terrifying and fascinating all at once to see what can happen and who you become in just a few short months. You would sometimes bitch about how fast time went by. You hated it because I know how forgetful you could be sometimes, lol. But, I never forgot anything we ever pinkie promised. And just like I promised you no matter what happens, I’ll be here. For now, it would be as long as it took for you to know the electricity was more than just this sudden shock of strange. It symbolizes so much more. It’s the transfer of emotions, the power of trade, the highs and lows. Even the ideas and everything in between. It’s you, and until I feel differently, it will always be you. He still left and I feel the same. I was hurt about him, but I’ve come to realize that my internal episodes that cause me to stay calm and collected, hold so much more meaning than my hysterical bouts of crying rage. You created the safety net effect for me in the most dangerous ways. I know it’s still you even while you’re gone because of how I dealt with the other knight after you left. I think my biggest problem with him this last time was I was selfish and was trying to see if he could recreate the effect you left me. But, he couldn’t, and I tried to be patient and see if he could do it and he wouldn’t. I don’t think he could if he tried. I was stupid by trying to replace the ghost that I can’t and will never wash off. And I looked like an idiot trying to force myself to love him. You created the safety net and he picked out the nice things he found in it and tossed the rest like trash. I think I cried because of me. Because even though I was subconsciously wasting my time with him to keep my head on, I was more mad at myself for letting him harm what you pieced back together. You left, but at least you made sure the pieces stayed slightly in order when you left. He just fucking knocked it off the wall when he slammed the door behind him. I loved him, but I meant when I said I’d always love you more than I did any of them. No matter whether we die here or there, alone or together with the rest of the world’s slaves, I’ll spend eternity burning in your spark just to show you that if that’s what it takes to care of you, then so be it.
And etc.