Drugs have ruined my life - feeling suicidal

[Pagey]

Hi everyone,

Wow, didn't ever expect to be back on this website. I haven't felt this desperate and alone in a long time though and I don't know where else to turn so...

Basically at the minute the only thing stopping me from killing myself is how much I love my husband, who's started his new dream job this morning and I couldn't do that to him. Other than that I feel no reason to live.
Sorry if this is going to be a pretty long post but I need to go back a while to explain why I'm here and hopefully get help
Last September I started an MA Publishing course at this prestigious London university. I was also working part-time as a nanny and although Id stopped taking drugs (miraculous for me) to focus on my studies, the pressure was getting unbearable and I was miserable. It was getting worse and worse until the attacks happened in Paris in November. None of my family or friends died,thank fuck, but it's the city I come from and I was absolutely devastated. I skipped a week of classes and took benzo after benzo and hen I finally returned to class, no one seemed to care. So that night I ordered heroin for the first time in many months.

I OD'ed and stopped breathing for minutes, according to my husband. He revived me but when I'd OD'ed I'd fallen into some strange position where I crushed my leg and basically, all the muscles in my left leg broke down. I can't really explain how fucking excruciating this is but anyway, he took me to the hospital where it was found that the rhabdomyolysis (muscle breakdown) had caused kidney failure, and I was admitted immediately.
In the hospital I developed sepsis, had a series of strokes and a botched blood transfusion leading to pulmnary oedema. Miraculously I made it out alive mid-December, with an eye that didn't function anymore, half of my left leg completely numb and a foot in constant and horrific agony.
My husband quit his job to take care of me full-time and we lived off savings that were meant to go towards a move to Australia. Eventually I got better and came off mmy gram of pregabalin and gram of morphine (both prescribed) a day. I'm well enough now that he started a new job this morning. But we have no money left (and I mean none) and so our dream to go to Australia has disappeared. last friday we got a letter from the local council saying we were entitled to £700 in housing benefits and I hadn't been so happy in months....this morning I called up and they said it had been suspended, no idea why.
I'm crushed. I wanted to make something special for my husband for when he got home later to celebrate his going back to work, get some champagne, whatever, and now we'll have nothing for dinner again on top of probably getting evicted next month.
I have no prospects (can't return to my MA now), no job despite good qualifications and perseverance, no friends, and now no money and no husband to keep me company.
I want to die. I see nothing to keep me here.

Someone please help.

 

[Bearlove]

Hey Pagey - so sorry to hear what your going through as, like you said you had made so many plans.

There is no magic answer on this and your going to have to just ride the storm until it settles again (and it will), you have a loving husband now and these difficult times are something you will both get through.

Your husband has started a new job, so you will have money coming in once he gets paid - chase the local council up and find out what is going on with the benefit as that would be a deposit for a new place if you need it.

Also with your injuries can you not claim some form of benefit and your husband can look into claiming for carers allowance etc.

Sorry I don't have the answers but sending you my love and I hope things turn around for you both

Take care of yourself though Pagey.

Bear x

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I developed rhabdomyolisis after an od when I was younger, luckily I had no lasting kidney damage. Never spoken to anyone else who has had it. It did cause a large section of my body to lose sensation though, but this returned in time (a long time). On another occasion I gouched out on my arm and ended up with radial nerve palsy that paralysed my hand, but this also disappeared with time (again it took months though). So I know how you feel to a fairly large extent.

You have had a pretty nasty scare there and it has left you with some shit after effects for sure, but I don't see how equates to no prospects! I'm not a fan of the Beatles but I think it was John Lennon's that said life is what happens whilst you're making other plans, unfortunately you have just had some life happen to you. Most of the things that you mention are short term problems really! Yes you may have some permenant physical damage (but you also may not, the healing process from an accident such as yours can be very slow), but no job can change overnight. Why can't you return to your MA?

You've had a shit one here no doubt but it's up to you how you deal with it. You only truly fail when you fall down and don't get back up and all that, it's OK or perhaps even normal to feel how you are feeling but it doesn't have to be that way.

No job can change. No friends can change. No money can change.No prospects sounds like it is not even a factor in your situation when looked at objectively. Start doing what you can to change them today and be proud of fighting for your own happiness.

 

[herbavore]

Pagey, I am so sorry that you have been through all of this. One of the best things you could do for yourself right now is to get yourself into regular counseling with a person that you feel a rapport with so that you can keep perspective as both your body and your mind heal. It is easy when in crisis to let the mind spin completely out into a relentless sense of urgency when what is needed is calm perspective, patience and the slow deliberate efforts to tackle problems (from financial to drug cravings) with concrete day-to-day strategies.

I hope that with the love of your family and support here as well as from a mental health worker IRL you can take the reins and get back on solid ground. Try to focus on small, achievable goals for each day. The mythical future can be overwhelming but in reality it is just an unrealized collection of your own thoughts. When your thoughts are frantic it becomes almost impossible not to frame everything negatively. By contrast, if you can find a way to stay in the present in your mind, questioning anxious thoughts and challenging them, you can regain a sense of empowerment.

I wish you the best of luck. Building towards a dream (moving to Australia) can be a very positive thing--a sort of anchor. Perhaps it is good that it did not happen right away as dreams that you have to work for are always sweeter. In the end you have two gifts instead of one: the dream itself, realized and the knowledge that you are capable of shaping and determining your own life. IME the latter is always the gift that I treasure more. Australia may or may not prove to be what you imagine it, but taking control of your life is a skill that benefits you forever.

Please do not hesitate to PM if you need to, especially if you feel your life is in danger.

 

[badfish45]

Everyone pretty much took the words out of my mouth. I think what you need is to think small and let yourself heal mentally. You've been through a lot no doubt, I think even in a situation like this you can take something and make good out of it. Just don't give up and don't let the future scare you

 

[Bearlove]

Hi Pagey, how are things ? I hope that your in a bit of a better place with yourself since you last posted.

Take care
Bear

 

[Pagey]

So sorry I didn't reply sooner, especially after getting such amazing advice from everyone. I really appreciate all the answers and am working on trying not to think of the future too drastically and instead focusing on one day at a time.

Bear, it's been very up and down...I've been doing mostly better since my last post but I have good days and bad days. The hard thing to deal with is just that my mood is so susceptible to change at any time and I'm much more likely to get upset by little things or little changes than I was before the stroke
I really just need someone to talk to and the world feels very lonely at the minute.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

So true, I go up and down now like a yo-yo. The two things I do around this is, one, I tell myself when I'm down "this is likely only temporary". It will pass. Then I use guided meditation and Hypnosis CDs to calm my nervous system and relax and to breath deeply and fully. It's amazing how much this has helped me. You have to put a little time in but for me the results came fast when doing it twice a day.