drugs gave me anxiety? (possibly for life?)

[notselinakyle]

Hey everyone. So after my horrible "SWIM" post, this is my second post on here. And this time I know the rules haha.

So it started last year when I started to feel anxiety properly for the first time. It would happen mostly when I was lying in bed, thinking about my past experiences. A feeling of negative butterflies in my tummy and the feeling of my heart sinking and not being able to breathe. A little background: I started doing drugs two years ago, but it quickly became a big part of my life. I became friends with kids who had being doing drugs since early as 14, drugdealers and generally people involved in the UK rave scene (all lovely people, some of the best people in my life now!) I would be out every week (doing pills, mdma and ketamine) then seshing mephedrone or whatever else for the whole weekend. My whole social group, we all met through drugs and raves. We are all really close but this is how we met. So natrually we spent alot of time together fucked. In each others houses, in public toilets sniffing lines, at events, at festivals, at parties we were always together and still are. I reckognize that its a positive thing that we all have eachother, especially because we have been and still hang out sober together. I should mention I also have a history of mephedrone abuse, lasting around a year, with a dosage of 3.5 a week (which was really bad for a 5'3 18 year old girl) Overall- the past two years of my life has been good and bad, honestly I wouldnt change a thing because its made me who I am today and more open minded about well.. alot of things. I think experiencing different realities in a whole is just, crazy and I am grateful that Ive had it. My time with drugs so far has been amazing. However, whenever I think of a time when I was fucked with my friends (even if it i was having a great time or even if it was one of my favorite memories) i almost ALWAYS get this horrible anxiety feeling in my stomach and it is has turned into generelized anxiety, where sometimes it can stay with me through the whole day. I dont really understand why this happens, however my only theory is that because when you are on stimulants/amphetamines, and you are with people there is so much happening, your mind doesnt process everything it as it usually would. So once you are completley sober and you think about it, you cant keep up, thus everything about that memory becoming sort of overwhelming and it causes you to feel.. anxious. I dont even know if that makes any sense. Honestly all I know is everytime I think about a time I was fucked I get anxious. Also worth mentioning that sometimes when Im on a comdown, for the past 5 months or so, when things start to really annoy me I get super anxious. Like if something is too loud, e.g music is too loud. Its really horrible and I hate it. Also worth mentioning I ALWAYS drink after doing any sort of upper. Thoughts?

 

[Kaden_Nite]

I can relate. I reflect on a lot of those past events and can't stop thinking about minor details that have probably been swept under the rug / forgotten, that's if they were even as important as my anxious mind inflates them to seem, which most of the time, they probably weren't. The fact that you are conscious of it says that you're not a selfish person - drugs do bring a lot of things out though: You spill your guts to someone about this or that, then look back on the things you said and or the way you acted and can feel a sense of regret, which is also amplified and exaggerated because of those drugs.. That's empathy for ya - being caring, honest, open etc. can also leave you quite vulnerable. I made the mistake of turning to drugs that induced a sense of apathy as if to cancel it out. Just made it worse..

I suggest taking a bit of time out from the chemicals, try talking to the people involved and being truly open and honest about it. If they're your friends, they'll understand and have your back. As for the noise sensitivity, sounds like you're craving a bit of peace and quiet. Understandable. Try to find some activity you can enjoy, something constructive that's a bit more chilled, if it persists, or gets worse with time, there's always people you can talk to.

I can assure you, there is an entire generation experiencing very similar aftershocks. Just face up to it, deal with it, don't try to retreat from it. Makes you stronger at the end of the day.

 

[herbavore]

^I agree that taking a break (and by that I mean a long break) from alcohol and other substances is going to be your best bet. Learn your own mind, your own heart. Encountering anxious thoughts is something that can be enlightening if you step outside the fear they cause and examine them rationally. What I've found is that almost any anxious thought I have boils down to my own self-judgment. You can't change that until you recognize how it plays in your own head.