Long story short, I got tramadol for back injuries, doc lost license and had to find new one. Couldn find tamadol doc. I didnt want anything stoner cause I have 2 toddlers that need me to take care of them. I couldntbget tram for a while so my husband got a sub. It helped with pain and I didnt get loaded from it. Few months of taking it he couldnt get me one. I was sick and had 2 kids and a life to stilll go on. I tied getting a ub but nobody could get one. Not even my heroin addict sister. My friend said he had something for me and it was dope. I never touched it before but I was sick and needed relief. I did it a few times over months when I was sick but didn't get high from it. My husband was an alcoholic, I had no vehicle of my own he took it tl work sl I rode my horse to store with my kids to get thing. I got the post partum depression and with no vehicle I was going crazy. He didnt do anything with kids. He woke up around 4 on wknds and would make noise on our farm waking kids up. I got tired of doing everything on my own. My back pain was worse and had a few incidents with him. He has put me in the hospital a dozn times. I got hooked on dope cause it made my days easier. After a while of not using it cause I couldnt get tramdol I as sick one time and he knew. Hw wantd to fuck but I felt no emotional connection to him. He got mad and snatched my phone started going though it I asked for it back I didnt have anything in ther and he flipped. He grabbed me threw me against the toilet, I felt something crack in my back. I got up bea us e he locked the door. I starte banging yelling kicking I was determined to get out my kis were on the other ide screaming dont hurt my mommy.. got the door open and he throws me on floor steps on me pulls my arm behind my back like cops do and then drug me to the front door. All while my kids ar re ther crying terrified. He opned door and drug me down the stairs, into the drive way. It was pouring. Ill never forget the smell of blood on the asphalt. I was in so much pain my knees and shins wer ripped from the pavement. He drug me to the back of the truck and got chains from the bed. I scremed bloody fucking murder. Our farm is a but over 100 acres and we have no neighbors. My kids were still screaming and I remembe telling my girl mommy was okay. He tried hooking me to the hitch he was going to drag me. I would have died a slow painful death. In front of my kids and all because I was a junkie as he said. Before he got the chance to a lady pulled into driveway and he grabbed me picked up and told me stop crying. She saved my life. She heard me screaming. I remember putting babies in bed and went in shower, he came in while I cleaned my cuts and said stop faking it I didnt hurt you. I think he felt bad later because he got the kids started crying and said I didn't mean to hurt mama im sorry look what I did. I broke my knee cap, had horrible road rash. My right leg is scared it looks awful. I still have a mark around my ankle from the rope. I did all this to myslf. If I never touched it I wouldnt have gone through that. My kids will probably forget that but I wont. Unfortunately I am not clean. I avent touched dope in a year but I still take suboxone when I cant fill my tramadol. I jusy want you to know that you can kick your habit. You can get through it. Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways. Dont give up because I didnt. I know I will be okay . Thisis a fight you can win.
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Drugs almost got me killed
- Thread starter Rodeobaby
- Start date
Drugs didn't do this to you, your abusive husband did.
Rodeobaby- welcome to Bluelight! I agree with Felonious Monk - drugs didn't do this to you. What is your current situation...are you still living with your husband? If you are please make it a priority to get both you and the children away from him. He is very dangerous and the violence will likely escalate. You said he is an alcoholic - the drinking will continue to progress as well which also means the violence will continue to escalate. I say this as a recovery alcoholic, I drank for seventeen years and the final straw was when one evening in blackout I lashed out at my geriatric mother and verbally assisted her and then pushed her. I was also dating an alcoholic man and within a couple of months he went from smacking me in the face to breaking into my house and grabbing me out of bed and beating me up. It does not get better, and he won't get sober until he is ready to do so. Odds are you also won't get sober until you change your environment as you are living with a lot of unnecessary stress.
Ideally both you and your children should leave him and also get into counseling, and the sooner the better. What you children have witnessed is absolutely traumatic (not your fault) and they need to work with a professional to reconcile the trauma so they don't carry that pain and fear with them as trauma left to fester causes problems later in life. If you haven't done so already, leave him. Your life is in immediate danger.
RodeoBaby - I closed the duplicate thread you made in Sober Living. Please don't create the same thread in multiple forums. Feel free to contact the forum moderator if you want a thread moved. I'm leaving the thread in The Dark Side open as I think you will get more of a response there...if you would like it moved to Sober Living just let me know and I can accommodate. Thx and have a great day!
Ideally both you and your children should leave him and also get into counseling, and the sooner the better. What you children have witnessed is absolutely traumatic (not your fault) and they need to work with a professional to reconcile the trauma so they don't carry that pain and fear with them as trauma left to fester causes problems later in life. If you haven't done so already, leave him. Your life is in immediate danger.
RodeoBaby - I closed the duplicate thread you made in Sober Living. Please don't create the same thread in multiple forums. Feel free to contact the forum moderator if you want a thread moved. I'm leaving the thread in The Dark Side open as I think you will get more of a response there...if you would like it moved to Sober Living just let me know and I can accommodate. Thx and have a great day!
I accidentally posted it twice I thought the first one ddnt post I didnt see it anywhere thank you! Leaving isnt an option for me. I married young never got financial help from family. I told my mom a bit about one incident and she told me I needed to go home and work it out. I dont want pity and am sick of people telling nme its not my fault. It is. If I never got into drugs he wouldn't have a reason to go off like that. I remember him telling m me I was ugly a horrible mom that he hated e and then tried crashing his motorcycle right after. I called the cops and said hs drunk and driving around and they did nothing. I dont b ave anyone. I live in the middle of no where and really my only escape is when I take my horse out for a ride..I feel like im flying. Then back to reality.
Your mother is part of the problem.
That is the definition of an emotional and physical abuser. He has abused you into feeling this way. You have a right to a happy life without violence. That is the truth and anyone that tells you different should not have a place in your life.
Where do you live? (like what state/country) There are organizations that help battered women find safety and get back on your feet. The fact that you have no one actually makes this process easier, there's no one to leave behind and no connections to the old place that bring you back. They will get the court involved so you get full custody of your children and never have to see your husband again. Start NOW. The sooner the better. As it gets colder it'll only give you a reason not to leave.
I live in PA. I lost all friends when I got married because I was pregnant and never partied. Im the only sister in my family who finished high school went to college and worked full time job and supported myself. Wats worse is my parents are well set for the rest of their lives thanks to my gandmas investment. My mom inherited over 1.8 million and more with accounts properties and other things. My sisters are dependent on my parents my one siater has 2 kids she waits tables 2 nights a week my parents always baby sit her kids they pay for everything for them. My parents own their own post construction company and make over 200k annually. Other sister is addict my mom supports and other goes off to college in west coast and fails gets kicked out and arrested for duis. Im the only decent one. I know its kinda cocky but I didnt use heroin hard. I would snort a small line a few times a day when I did. It never lasted more than 1 at a time, I was using for pain from old fractures to my spine along with a defect and abnormal curve ature. I get tramadol which isnt even strong. I only get 100 tabs every 30 days. I refuse to be on anything stronger until tramadol has no effect on me. Ive been the best wife for a 18 yr old bride and having 2 kids within 11 months of each oher have done a pretty damn good job for what I had. My parents didnt buy me a car or hep with moving into bigger hom me. Ive gotten everything since marriage because me and my husband. My parents have bailed my siters out countless times. But nothing for me and I couldnt care less but when I am scared for my life, my husband is a hunter we both own guns, my mom pushed my problem off like she does everything. Shes the first to throw money to bail or help someone out but not even support me leaving.
I just want to thank you, I havent been shown this much attention since my husband fist met me.
I just want to thank you, I havent been shown this much attention since my husband fist met me.
You're welcome. I just want to empower you to make changes for yourself.
Maybe your family will eventually see the error of their ways and help you, but don't count on it, sounds like this isn't a new thing. All you can do is get yourself and your children to a safe place away from him (and your family, since it seems they will take his side if it comes to it).
CALL 800-799-7233 24 hours a day
It's this organization Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Abuse http://www.pcadv.org/ if you literally read your posts from this thread to them they will help
Some tips
http://www.pcadv.org/Find-Help/Victim-Resources-PA/
Search shelters in your area
https://www.womenshelters.org/sta/pennsylvania
Here's one in Bucks County that looks helpful, not sure where in the state you are...
http://awomansplace.org/
Maybe your family will eventually see the error of their ways and help you, but don't count on it, sounds like this isn't a new thing. All you can do is get yourself and your children to a safe place away from him (and your family, since it seems they will take his side if it comes to it).
CALL 800-799-7233 24 hours a day
It's this organization Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Abuse http://www.pcadv.org/ if you literally read your posts from this thread to them they will help
Some tips
http://www.pcadv.org/Find-Help/Victim-Resources-PA/
Search shelters in your area
https://www.womenshelters.org/sta/pennsylvania
Here's one in Bucks County that looks helpful, not sure where in the state you are...
http://awomansplace.org/
starting_over
Bluelighter
This is a really really bad relationship you're in... marriage shouldn't be like this. Please try to get help.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Rodeobaby, you have taken responsibility for someone's problems (your husband's) and blamed them on yourself. Your life is in danger. Your husband would find another reason to beat you up even if you had never done any drugs. You say that your children will forget but they won't. This is no way for them to grow up. The three of you need to get away. Is there any way that your Dad would listen more than your mom or that one of your sisters would intervene with them on your behalf? If there is no help forthcoming from the family then you should seek out the help that Felonious Monk posted above. The staff there can advise you.
One of the worst things that happens in abusive households is that keeping a lid on things becomes normal. What I mean by that is "making the marriage work" or "just laying low so he doesn't have a reason to get mad" etc. There is no way to make this work unless your husband admits his problems with alcohol and violence and anger issues. That does not even stand a chance of happening while everyone is trying to make it all seem normal and brush things under the rug after the fact.
You and your children deserve better. Children who grow up in homes where they see extreme violence like this are traumatized at such a deep level. They are also at risk of being hurt--if not now, later on when they are older. I understand how daunting it feels to have to even imagine leaving everything you know--your house, your farm, your horse. You have two courses of action. You can either choose to walk away from all that and start over on your own or you can fight for your legal right to remain there and your husband has to leave. But that is for the future. Right now, you need to get away and be in a safe place where nothing like this can happen.
You are blaming yourself for so much but in a way it keeps you from taking responsibility for the one thing you truly need to fight for: your life. What you described is far more than a brutal beating, it is attempted murder. Any person that could do that is in deep mental imbalance. There are three lives at stake here (four really, but your husband is responsible for his own) and your actions are crucial to all three. Please reach out to the services that are available and get you and your kids to a safe space.
One of the worst things that happens in abusive households is that keeping a lid on things becomes normal. What I mean by that is "making the marriage work" or "just laying low so he doesn't have a reason to get mad" etc. There is no way to make this work unless your husband admits his problems with alcohol and violence and anger issues. That does not even stand a chance of happening while everyone is trying to make it all seem normal and brush things under the rug after the fact.
You and your children deserve better. Children who grow up in homes where they see extreme violence like this are traumatized at such a deep level. They are also at risk of being hurt--if not now, later on when they are older. I understand how daunting it feels to have to even imagine leaving everything you know--your house, your farm, your horse. You have two courses of action. You can either choose to walk away from all that and start over on your own or you can fight for your legal right to remain there and your husband has to leave. But that is for the future. Right now, you need to get away and be in a safe place where nothing like this can happen.
You are blaming yourself for so much but in a way it keeps you from taking responsibility for the one thing you truly need to fight for: your life. What you described is far more than a brutal beating, it is attempted murder. Any person that could do that is in deep mental imbalance. There are three lives at stake here (four really, but your husband is responsible for his own) and your actions are crucial to all three. Please reach out to the services that are available and get you and your kids to a safe space.
Here are a few more resources.
This link details general info for leaving when you have no money, and also includes a number of other resource links from state agencies to organizations that give grants (money) to help you leave. It also has some interesting statistics.
http://femmefrugality.com/leaving-abusive-relationship-no-money/
This site has legal info and tips on how to leave an abusive spouse with no money- it seems like a decent checklist. It also includes a resource link for free legal counsel.
http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=13422&state_code=PG
You don't deserve to love the way you are currently living and either do your children. There is nothing thatbyou have done that justifies his violence...nothing. It sounds like there are deep issues in your family with respect to your parents and siblings and I suspect mental illness is a factor. Happy healthy people don't develop addictions as they don't have the the need to self medicate to manage stress in their life. Please don't make your decisions based upon your family's opinions as they are not healthy. I promise you the violence will continue to get worse the longer you stay, and from what you described with the last incident there is a very real possibility that your husband will kill you in the near future.
Something else to consider are all the weapons in the house. You may want to hide them well and make sure they contain no ammo - empty the clips and the chambers. Hide the ammo in a location different from the guns.
This link details general info for leaving when you have no money, and also includes a number of other resource links from state agencies to organizations that give grants (money) to help you leave. It also has some interesting statistics.
http://femmefrugality.com/leaving-abusive-relationship-no-money/
This site has legal info and tips on how to leave an abusive spouse with no money- it seems like a decent checklist. It also includes a resource link for free legal counsel.
http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=13422&state_code=PG
You don't deserve to love the way you are currently living and either do your children. There is nothing thatbyou have done that justifies his violence...nothing. It sounds like there are deep issues in your family with respect to your parents and siblings and I suspect mental illness is a factor. Happy healthy people don't develop addictions as they don't have the the need to self medicate to manage stress in their life. Please don't make your decisions based upon your family's opinions as they are not healthy. I promise you the violence will continue to get worse the longer you stay, and from what you described with the last incident there is a very real possibility that your husband will kill you in the near future.
Something else to consider are all the weapons in the house. You may want to hide them well and make sure they contain no ammo - empty the clips and the chambers. Hide the ammo in a location different from the guns.
I thought the SL thread was closed but it wasn't yet so I moved this and the above post from that thread to this thread.
You're willing to stay with your abusive partner who physically assaults you in front of your children, which will do horrible long term damage to your children...You are letting this happen because you are staying with him soni think it's fair to discuss the relationship as that is the biggest source of your problems. Based on your response to another member in her pregnancy thread you seem to be brainwashed and keep blaming drugs as the root of all problems which is very short sighted and incorrect. You barely have a drug problem but that is what you focus on while in reality you are a battered woman who actively supports the abuse of yourself and your children by staying with a very dangerous man. This Pollyanna mindset of yours very well could mean a premature death for you and a miserable existence for your children as they are witnesses to all of this.
You're willing to stay with your abusive partner who physically assaults you in front of your children, which will do horrible long term damage to your children...You are letting this happen because you are staying with him soni think it's fair to discuss the relationship as that is the biggest source of your problems. Based on your response to another member in her pregnancy thread you seem to be brainwashed and keep blaming drugs as the root of all problems which is very short sighted and incorrect. You barely have a drug problem but that is what you focus on while in reality you are a battered woman who actively supports the abuse of yourself and your children by staying with a very dangerous man. This Pollyanna mindset of yours very well could mean a premature death for you and a miserable existence for your children as they are witnesses to all of this.
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<3mychi's
Greenlighter
Please please please take the advice you have been given here. You may not have come here for relationship advice but you're getting the right advice. It is very common for victims of abuse to blame themselves. But you even said yourself you have done well for yourself and your family sounds like they are also not informed of reality. I'm sorry you can't depend on them but there are so many resources for women like you. Your children WILL NOT forget what they've witnesses and it can affect them for the rest of their lives. Your husband is an alcoholic. So why is it your fault that you have an addiction? I fear for your life. And your kids. Who is to say he won't turn on them when you're dead? I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to think about this. And you do need to leave. If you took him to court now and got a restraining order so you could stay, that will just piss him off more. You need to make some serious decisions right now. And suboxone is available through doctors. I know that in the eastern states it's a little harder to come by but just go to suboxone.com and find one. It's scary and hard but once you start the process you will be empowered. Even starting this thread was the right thing to do bc you reached out. I don't know you but I love you. Bc you sound like an amazing woman who just is in a terrible situation. Keep us posted.