beamish
Bluelighter
so i scored a helpdesk job. 48k a year plus benefits. i have no education just 2 comptia certifications (computer competence tests). everyone else i work with has a college degree. no idea how i got the job. the drug test though... ugh.
so when they contacted me about the drug test, i was on the other coast of USA. got back just in time for the last day on the ticket they issued me. borrowed a urine storage pouch that had a flip switch and tubing. close friend pulled a miracle for me and got me some alleged clean pee.
when he gives it to me, he tells me something like "so yeah he doesn't do drugs, he did acid maybe like 2 weeks ago but thats it." if i had another option i wouldnt take it, but i was on time crunch and desperate, as i dont know many people who dont do drugs. Also, the pee had been sitting in a car for 8 hours during a 100 degree day.
I was a little worried about the integrity after learning about that, but like i said, i was desperate. next day i heat the urine in a pot of water, put it in a thermos full of hot water - since i didnt have any handwarmers. promptly got lost trying to find the damn place and missed the time period.
but they gave me a second chance at it and issued another week long ticket.
so i go the next day and do the routine heat up etc. but i got a little to nervous about the temp being in correct temp range, so much so that it wasnt going to stay in the correct range for an extended period.
i don't make an appointment and show up to the lab at around 8-10am. i wait for half an hour and then deem it too cold to pass temp test, so i bailed out. temp range is 90-100F. i was wearing nice dress shoes, slacks, a button-up professional looking shirt and tie. make myself look as innocent and legit as possible.
next day i heat it up correctly, keep the thermos water toasty, and speed to the facility. i had made an appointment the prior day, so that i wouldnt have to wait so long. i was extremely unsure that the i would pass the test at this point - having had a number of days to ponder everything that could go wrong.
not to mention that the urine had now been heated 4 times, and was 6 days old (though it was kept refrigerated in-between those times). i get to the facility, tape the pouch to my stomach with electrical tape, walk in, wait about 10 minutes and then get called in.
i go inside, she asks me for my ticket, and i realize that i forgot it at home!!!
fuck! fortunately she pities me or something and coughs up that she can try looking for my ticket via SSN, "they dont usually put it in to our system but it's worth a shot."
shot works out for me somehow. go take the test, they tell me to empty out my pockets and put it on the chair. i do that but i sit in the chair instead and start looking for a place to store my stuff out of the way, cause im high and retarded lol.
she looks at me for a second, and firmly tells me to put my THINGS on the chair and for ME to go in the bathroom. im like, fffffffffff. so i go in, she hands me this container with a black line drawn on, and tells me to fill it up to there only.
it is such a small amount, i had like 20 times the amount needed lol. i accidentally filled it up beyond the black line by a decent bit.
the collector didnt care though, just made me close the lid on the container tightly.
I wait 5 days and then i get a call from the employer.
they tell me that they emailed me my final offer letter and could i please sign and fax it back.
im like, "... Yes." but inside im like "YOURE GOD DAMN FUCKING RIGHT MOTHER FUCKER!!!! holy shit i cant believe that worked!"
so now im half way through second week at job.
so glad i managed to pass that test while high as shit lol.
so when they contacted me about the drug test, i was on the other coast of USA. got back just in time for the last day on the ticket they issued me. borrowed a urine storage pouch that had a flip switch and tubing. close friend pulled a miracle for me and got me some alleged clean pee.
when he gives it to me, he tells me something like "so yeah he doesn't do drugs, he did acid maybe like 2 weeks ago but thats it." if i had another option i wouldnt take it, but i was on time crunch and desperate, as i dont know many people who dont do drugs. Also, the pee had been sitting in a car for 8 hours during a 100 degree day.
I was a little worried about the integrity after learning about that, but like i said, i was desperate. next day i heat the urine in a pot of water, put it in a thermos full of hot water - since i didnt have any handwarmers. promptly got lost trying to find the damn place and missed the time period.
but they gave me a second chance at it and issued another week long ticket.
so i go the next day and do the routine heat up etc. but i got a little to nervous about the temp being in correct temp range, so much so that it wasnt going to stay in the correct range for an extended period.
i don't make an appointment and show up to the lab at around 8-10am. i wait for half an hour and then deem it too cold to pass temp test, so i bailed out. temp range is 90-100F. i was wearing nice dress shoes, slacks, a button-up professional looking shirt and tie. make myself look as innocent and legit as possible.
next day i heat it up correctly, keep the thermos water toasty, and speed to the facility. i had made an appointment the prior day, so that i wouldnt have to wait so long. i was extremely unsure that the i would pass the test at this point - having had a number of days to ponder everything that could go wrong.
not to mention that the urine had now been heated 4 times, and was 6 days old (though it was kept refrigerated in-between those times). i get to the facility, tape the pouch to my stomach with electrical tape, walk in, wait about 10 minutes and then get called in.
i go inside, she asks me for my ticket, and i realize that i forgot it at home!!!
fuck! fortunately she pities me or something and coughs up that she can try looking for my ticket via SSN, "they dont usually put it in to our system but it's worth a shot."
shot works out for me somehow. go take the test, they tell me to empty out my pockets and put it on the chair. i do that but i sit in the chair instead and start looking for a place to store my stuff out of the way, cause im high and retarded lol.
she looks at me for a second, and firmly tells me to put my THINGS on the chair and for ME to go in the bathroom. im like, fffffffffff. so i go in, she hands me this container with a black line drawn on, and tells me to fill it up to there only.
it is such a small amount, i had like 20 times the amount needed lol. i accidentally filled it up beyond the black line by a decent bit.
the collector didnt care though, just made me close the lid on the container tightly.
I wait 5 days and then i get a call from the employer.
they tell me that they emailed me my final offer letter and could i please sign and fax it back.
im like, "... Yes." but inside im like "YOURE GOD DAMN FUCKING RIGHT MOTHER FUCKER!!!! holy shit i cant believe that worked!"
so now im half way through second week at job.
so glad i managed to pass that test while high as shit lol.
