Down in a hole, losin' my soul...

[Woodsong]

This past month has probably been the hardest period of my life...

It started when my dad died, very suddenly in his sleep, on April 26th... My stepmother called me at 6:20 that morning, right after my alarm went off, and told me. I was just ... in complete and utter shock. I didn't know what to do, I moved in a trance to take a shower, put my clothes on, go pick up my co-worker then head over to my parents' house. There were many people from their church there trying to comfort my stepmom. I stood there and cried, at a loss of what else to do, completely numb... I've always had a very dysfunctional family, but we were trying to pull things together lately, trying to act like a family should... My dad wanted that more than anything...

I went to my boyfriend's house that night, desperate for whatever comfort I could get... He had recently begun taking Lexapro, an antidepressant. All he could say was "I'm sorry, I dunno what to tell you, I dunno how I can help, I'm sorry, etcetera." (Give me a fucking HUG or SOMETHING, motherfucker, god damn...) It's like the medication has robbed him of any empathetic capacity whatsoever... Sure he was a little bit selfish before he started taking the meds, but now it just seems like other peoples' problems and affairs don't really concern him or have anything to do with him, period... Or at least mine don't...

A week later, he broke up with me...

He can't afford to live down here anymore, he says. He needs to go back to school, get moving with his life so he's not scraping by paycheck to paycheck at Starbucks, and he has to do this back home, in Vermont, clear on the other side of the country... He still loves me, he says, we're still friends, but he has to do this, he says. I'm not exactly capable of dropping the rest of my life here in Georgia and moving 1,200 miles away with little promise of being able to support myself... God knows I wish I could follow him. He had been trying hard to convince me to move up there, then says that he wouldn't have time for a boyfriend if he was going to school and all that anyway .. which is bullshit... He had bugged me, and bugged me, and bugged me, for months and months, for me to give him a chance... He moved all the way back down here again on the off-chance that I might get with him. And I did. I finally gave in... I didn't know where the relationship was going at first, I wasn't sure of it at all... Then, slowly, I began to fall pretty much madly and hopelessly in love with him... I had finally found something that I preferred over artificial opiate-induced happiness... (And believe me, that's saying something...) But the more I grew to love him, it seemed, the less affection he began showing... He seemed to grow farther away as time went on, and then we had a little conversation... He hates it here, hates everything about Georgia, he wants me to move with him back to Vermont, where we can go to school and get real jobs and live a happy life together... Sure I'd like to go up there to a beautiful part of New England to start anew with the love of my life, but I have a family here that's trying to mend itself, I have a $15 an hour job with almost complete job security, I can't just leave... I WANT to, but I just ... I don't know... I don't know... And by that point in the relationship, I wasn't really sure how much he even really still loved me, given the attitude he'd been showing... So much uncertainty to the whole situation... And it ended in him leaving me here. My love, my best friend, left me here alone to go do .. whatever the hell it is he plans to do... I don't really have any other friends... He was all I had left that brought me any real happiness. He brought me out of the deep, dark hole that I had dug myself into with opiates...

... I don't know where to go from here. What to do with myself. I'm a simple person, I don't need a nice house with nice cars and nice things and lots of money... All I need, all I really need in life ... is love... I tried to fight off the loneliness before we got together with handfuls of roxi 30's and lortabs and dilaudid and heroin and whatever I could get my hands on really... And now it's back; that debilitating, soul-crushing loneliness... I can't take it anymore... I want to say I was better off being a junkie without a soul than having my soul crushed again by another failed relationship with the "love of my life"... He keeps telling me I'll be fine, that we're still friends and he still loves me and Hey, at least we had a good relationship, right? Fuck...

Just ... fuck... I dunno what else to say... All I wanna do right now is shove three or four roxi 30's up my nose and slip back into that warm, blissful, apathetic oblivion that I love so much... Can't though... Fucking Subutex... By God I think I will this weekend though... I wanna get high again so bad right now I can't fucking stand it...

 

[motherofearth]

We both know one thing for sure - getting high will not bring you anything more than a cheap and temporary solace. More likely, it will bring you further withdrawal from people and happiness - not to mention those other crippling withdrawals

It sounds like your SO doesn't know in the slightest what he wants in life. He can't be blamed for change brought on by his meds, but you can't stake a major life-changing move pursuing his neither-here-nor-there endeavors. I feel for you: the sensible thing is to rely on oneself exclusively, yet love opens us up, making us vulnerable to the caprices of others. Is there any healthy activity you can do to take your mind off the absence of your partner, especially one granting you the chance of processing the grief over losing your father? Exercise, specifically jogging has realistically prevented me from losing it in trying times more so than heroin ever has. Heroin is a trap door masquerading as escape for me - nothing more. I hope you don't throw it all away, b/c I'd guess it'll all compile and hit worse after your high dissipates.

That said, I am sorry for you, and no matter your choice in grieving and processing the departure of your love, I wish you the best

 

[herbavore]

That is really a lot to go through at once, Woodsong. Losing your father right when your family was trying to mend feels particularly tragic, though maybe there is some consolation in the fact that your father did not go feeling despair, but instead felt hopeful. Then to have your relationship end while already grieving your Dad---that is so much to handle all at once. The one thing that I would advise you to do is not to fall back into using a substance to numb your pain. Life is full of pain. When you love people, you open yourself up to all kinds of hurt. They change, they fall out of love with you, they self destruct, they die. There is no way that everyone we love is going to stay the same forever and never die so experiencing the hurt is an inevitable part of love. Right now life has thrown you to the ground. I know that feeling quite well myself. Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to put on the saddest song you know, cry your eyes out and just let your sadness envelop you. Don't be afraid that it will never end, never change---it will change. Honoring those we have lost with our emotions takes courage but in the end it is far more desirable than denying those emotions. Good luck to you.

 

[OxycoDrone]

Shit, you've had a really rough time. My heart is breaking for you, I really hope things start to look up for you. Please stay on your subs -- getting high won't help, it's all a lie. It makes it a lot worse in the long run and you know this. I know how awful it is to lose someone you love, it shatters you, it breaks you .. But you can get it back together. Please don't do the drugs.

I hope you make the right choice, I really do. These are the times that truly test us, and I know it seems impossible without taking the oxy, but you can do it. Please at least try. If you need to talk to someone, or you feel like self-harm or ANYTHING like that, please send me a PM and I'm happy to talk with you for as long as it takes. We're all here for you, please lean on us in this time of heartbreak instead of leaning on drugs.

My thoughts and prayers (even though I'm not religious, I still send out good vibes as 'prayer' and hope that something out there hears me) are with you. I'll be thinking about you all night and for the next while probably.

We're all here for you.
-OCD

 

[mrflowers00]

i love the title of your thread alice in chains is awesome

 

[Woodsong]

I'm tired of pain... Whether it be physical or emotional, I'm always in some kind of pain... Opiates and my lover were the only two things that took it away, and one of them is gone... I don't deserve to feel like this. At the very least, I need a break from it. Having been on bupe for the last seven months, I know I can't go back to being the desperate drug seeker always on the road that I used to be; I get tired of it very quickly... But I need a break... I know it's temporary, I know it's a lie and an easy shortcut to "happiness". I don't care... No happiness in life lasts forever. I might as well get it where I can...

 

[webbykevin]

Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or a womans refuge, maybe care for a disabled person or help out with some elderly persons shopping etc... think of doing stuff for others instead of just focusing on how bad you feel, you may be amazed at the results.

 

[Ds]

when i spent the nite @ the homeless mission las nite some of the chicks that feed us food were pretty cute, and someof the other homeless guys were like "dude i think she liikes me" im like LOL UR N A homeless shelter u bum lolol!" shit was funny we all laughed, and went n played cards.
life has some fucking curve balls, and ive been thrown jsut about every damn curveball life can thrown, ive experienced death, and life(im a uncle..) lost my grandma who actullly gave a fuck about family, and now its like the Hattifields and Mccoys in my family so everyone hates everyone.
get off drugs, please! thats the best thing thats ever happend to me, and the shit i go throu each day is just a fucking reminder of how shitty my life was on drugs.
have you tried the school thing? or maybe get a job doing something with your idol time, dont sit alone, that shits the worst fucking thing u can do right now, hell look for a Emotions Annoymous(sp) meeting, or hell some AA and NA meetings are good to hear stories of HOPE, just listen to peoples stories how they overcome shit amazes the shit outa me, espically when they are like 10+years clean, hell the newcomer at those things give me hope.
keep ur head up,mayb its a god thing wat happend with you, if it didnt work out then it was never ment to be,realtalk. hang out here on bl, this was the best damn thing i coulda ever done, even tho i have like 7? infractions, everyone still likes me on here, i still do dumbshit, but its all good, itsa learning thing.
what ever ya do, just try to think of some dreams, set some reachable goals, and go for em, if it requires heartache and pain then try something until your more fit(like leaving ur state or w,e u live,etc) hope your alright,check out my blogs for insperation, iv been getn several PM's of people thanking me that i give them hope, and i really dont mean to, im just like one of u, down on luck, ex junky with high dreams, and i learned that ive gota do it for ME, jus like u gota do it for YOU and not do it for ur family/ex.etc. because ive learned from the past that when i try to do shit to make others happy, i end up fucking up.
hang in there, itl get better!
love ya