down- have a lot to say

[Dumbo46_]

I am not sure where to start. Everything is going wrong and I am out of options I like. I went to school in Iowa and came back to my home town and transferred schools for Lance (guy I was involved with) because he constantly complained of the separation and did not get accepted into my school. I came back expecting things to be different and better. But they got drastically worse. He wants to go out and have his 20's and have a high body count to his satisfaction. I do not regret coming home, But things would have been better for me had I not transferred. He wants me to be involved his life and still wants everything to be the same while he adds up his list of women but I just cannot. Even hearing him talk about another women hurts and I cry all the time about it, even at a thought I look at random girls and all I can think is, will she be one of them? What will they do? Will it be better? What is it about her? I have been severely depressed (always have been) and my anxiety has not gotten better. He says he can separate making love with someone he cares about from meaning less sex but it still makes me feel worthless, unspecial and just all these other things that just tear me apart. I want to be there for him, he feels like he needs this, I mean I am his friend after all right? But at the same time it just seems inconsiderate on his part and it is a big role for me to take on, and I feel like I am playing the role of Boo Boo the Fool. He keeps talking to me about it and it sucks because I listen to his problems and insecurities all day but I do not feel like I can go to him. I cannot cry on his shoulder because he will then feel like I cannot support him and it will just make him feel guilty and he won’t do it and he will spend the rest of his life hating me for it. Plus he does not want me to be involved with any one else just to wait on him.I just recently talked to him and he told me how he wished his ex got to experience his sexual performance today and how much better it is to have left a good impression, and I feel horrible because I feel like he could do so much more for me in bed or well could have that he did not try to. Also he told me how she had the body of a model while I have never received a compliment on my appearance from him. We are supposed to be having space and no matter how much I give he feels like I am invading it. I understand but most times I feel like he is trying to exit me out completely and only wants to call on me when he needs me, whereas I cannot call him when I need him. I do not even understand mainly because sex is the most private act and he wants me to be involved in that but no other aspect of his life. He got upset and stopped talking to me because I made a profile on a website he works for just to see what it was about and he thought I was trying to spy on him even though I did not even know I could spy on an employee for a website being a user. I feel horribly sad and weak. I feel like I have so much weight on my shoulders, to deal with all the problems of my life (being alone- being back home with minimal friends, poor/practically homeless, and not at the school I want to be at, dealing with family issues, etc.) then having to scoop the remains of his plate. My self-worth is so hard to maintain right now and all I have been doing is spending my nights crying alone barely breathing having anxiety attacks and trying not to be suicidal and let depression get the best of me. It can just be so overwhelming, I know everyone has their own shit and needs help with their baggage but I feel like I’m packing faster than I can unload. So many things happen in such a short amount of time and I just don't have any more answers. I feel stuck. I feel lost. I feel alone. And all I want more than anything in the world is for someone to just hold me as tight as they can and tell me it will be okay

 

[mostly-human]

Sorry - it sounds like you're in an awful situation. I suppose you're quite young, that's when you learn some tough lessons. You're emotions aren't everything, if what someone you care about wants in life doesn't align with what you want out of life, then unfortunately having them intimately in your life is not going to work out in your favour. In fact, it will just become increasingly brutal and eventually - you'll resent and hate him for all the shit you've put yourself through.

Truth is - people can live their life however they like - and it sounds as though this guy doesn't like the idea of monogamy; a lot of people don't. Personally - I can't handle causal sexual relationships, I'm (and always have been) an all or nothing kind of guy. When I was younger though, I made the mistake of thinking my love & devotion would be enough to make those I cared about feel monogamous towards me. Doesn't work that way, you can't change people in that way.

You need to move on, move away - do whatever you need to do to get him out of your system.

If you're the type of person that needs a mutually monogamous relationship, then you need to find someone who feels the same way.

I've been been with my wife now for around six years and we've never ever cheated on each other and we've never had a single, serious fight. The relationship continues to grow stronger and more full of love. The longer I'm with her, the more I fantasize about spending the rest of our lives together.

When I was younger, I learn't the hard way about committing my emotions to someone who wasn't ever going to do the same.

Eventually in life you realise love isn't everything, just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you should be with them. You have to be rational as well. I'm an extremely rational and logical person, but even I'll admit relationships CAN and SHOULD defy rationality sometimes, raw passion and emotion can go a long way too.. But don't throw rational thinking out the window too, if you can sit down and think about it and realise that a relationship is NOT going to be a healthy pursuit, eventually you have to admit to yourself that your mind is right and it's never going to work.

Be strong.

 

[T. Calderone]

Lance does not seem ready for a serious relationship with you. What sort of boyfriend talks about "high body count" and other women? Sounds like a self centered jerk. I hope you two used protection. If I were you, I would go back to your college in Iowa. Continue your studies and leave him in the dust. You deserve so much better than this! There are lots of nice guys who don't act like that.

 

[bunnymunro]

I agree with T.C. Lance is a total using jerk. However, you are enabling him to be so. I think that you should get away from him, and meet some new people, I can't say how to gain self esteem,other than fake it till you make it, and look out for people who have slim pickings in the way of empathy, because they will prey on the feelings you have of duty to support your friends/ partners.
You don't need to feel second best effort or whatever, you sound as if you are a person with good moral principles if perhaps somewhat too "giving" i.e. not looking out for yourself as much as you should.
You could websearch the term "enabling" and try and see where,and if it applies in your relationship with this character.

 

[Dumbo46_]

Thats the thing he says he wants to be with me forever and for me to be that person he just feels like it shouldnt be now, he wants to enjoy both worlds before he settles down. he wants me to wait. Now I can be a friends but I am not sure if I could really wait for commitment, I mean how long would I wait

 

[spacejunk]

Thats the thing he says he wants to be with me forever and for me to be that person he just feels like it shouldnt be now, he wants to enjoy both worlds before he settles down. he wants me to wait.

I understand that this is simplifying things a bit - but this is a really callous sounding guy (or just very selfish), and you needn't put yourself through such emotional torture.
I think mostly-human sums it up really well; I am the same - casual relationships are not my thing, just as monogamy is not some people's style.
You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you consider your own feelings in this situation - that is what Lance is doing (thinking only of himself) and he is taking advantage of your love, and showing you no respect whatsoever in doing so.
There is nothing wrong with 'playing the field' - but he is not being honest with you or himself if he wants you there as an emotional fall-back.
Hard as it might be to let go, it's not healthy to watch his sexual conquest behaviour and have it break your heart.
You would be much better off trying to find someone that wants to be with you and you alone if that is what you need from a relationship.
Don't let this guy fuck with your education and your happiness - from what you've told us, he sounds like a horrible prick to be quite honest.
For your own sake, you need to think about your needs - not just try and accommodate his.

 

[tocooperate]

Thats the thing he says he wants to be with me forever and for me to be that person he just feels like it shouldnt be now, he wants to enjoy both worlds before he settles down. he wants me to wait. Now I can be a friends but I am not sure if I could really wait for commitment, I mean how long would I wait

Then do just that. Be friends for now and revisit the relationship in the future. One of two things will happen: you'll move on realize what a jerk he is (which you will NOT realize while with him), you'll move on, be good friends and who knows in a few years maybe he'll be ready.

 

[spacejunk]

Then do just that. Be friends for now and revisit the relationship in the future. One of two things will happen: you'll move on realize what a jerk he is (which you will NOT realize while with him), you'll move on, be good friends and who knows in a few years maybe he'll be ready.

This is a very good point