doomed to fail or glimmer of hope..?

[DexysMidnightRuner]

so ive taken some pretty good initiative to get my life in order and try and move forward. i had let my addiction take over for the past three years, and this past one i let it progress to IV use. so i decided enough was enough im getting clean..or at least get my life in order so i can use responsibly. so ive currently had 95 days clean and sober today.

well my plan all along has been to go back to drugs responsibly. and if i fuck it up this time my parents drop me. this is the last chance i have. this whole time, the only reason ive been able to manage getting this far is because i just say "its ok, ill be using again soon.."

i was having a conversation with my boy last night and he was saying how he thought he could shoot up occasionally. i disagree. i think it will just lead back to where we were, or worse. i did get him to see my point and he said he agrees, but i dont really know.

it just got me thinking that maybe this whole time ive been kidding myself into thinking i am "fixed" and i will be a productive member of society, and i will be able to move on from here. but now i dont know so much.

im worried that ill just end up shooting up again. and where im moving to soon to "start over" there is meth. and i know i dont wanna do it because that would be my bottom line and i dont know if i could come back from that. i thought getting off IV coke was hard enough i cant imagine meth, since speed is my original DOC then coke (but only IV) meth would be the nail in my coffin.

all this has just got me worried that ill be good for a while and then ill slowly convince myself each lower degree is fine until i completely fuck up and i lose everything and ruin my life. but i still dont wanna stay clean. i think ill be "fine" with weed, psychedelics, X, and dope (but ive done dope enough times to know i will NEVER make it my DOC and i will NEVER have a problem with it) occasionally. but i know im just tricking myself.

am i just wasting my time bothering to get clean, or will i ever get the fuck over drugs? will i ever be able to grow up and take responsibility for my life and actions. i have depression, and sometimes i wonder of i was happier on drugs rather then sober, because at least i could get high then. i mean i wasnt "happy" but it was something. now its just kinda crappy. is it possible to actually succeed? am i just doomed to fail? help..

 

[RxPrincess]

Doomed to fail?

I think everyone who struggles with any hardcore addiction wonders if they will ever "get better". I personally don't feel I've ever been "normal". I have always loved drugs, period. The problem is they don't love me. They have taken me on adventures, I have seen and experienced things I will always remember. However, they have taken me to the black depths and dark corners in life as well. After the needle I don't think I will ever be the same.
All we can do is our best every day. My brain tries to tell me that I can shoot up once in a while. I know this is bullshit. I will do it til' I can't anymore. Whether that's because my veins are shot, supply ran out, consequences get too heavy, or my life swirls down the toilet.
Sometimes I wonder too if I am doomed to someday give up entirely and just be the hardcore addict that waits inside of my suburban, housewife, mother exterior. It's a fight every day. Will we be fighting when we are 60 fucking years old??? I'm tired already.

 

[Legerity]

95 days...good job

If your goal is to use more moderately than before, then something needs to have changed between the time you stopped using and the time you start again. The reason for your past abuse needs to be eliminated, or at least improved. Otherwise there will be nothing to buffer you from falling into the same pattern as before.

If you were happier with heavy drug use than being clean, it probably means that whatever made you want to use drugs in the first place is still there. You'll need to figure that out for yourself, not everybody has the same reason. For some people it is environmental and once their circumstances change then their drug use decreases. Other people have psychological reasons (depression, anxiety, etc.) which may take more time to resolve. Some people are trying to fill some sort of spiritual void that they have.

So...is it worth the risk? You don't sound so confident about your ability to avoid the level of use that you were at before. You can always take more time and see if you start to enjoy life without drugs.

 

[Cohesion]

95 days...good job

If you were happier with heavy drug use than being clean, it probably means that whatever made you want to use drugs in the first place is still there. You'll need to figure that out for yourself, not everybody has the same reason. For some people it is environmental and once their circumstances change then their drug use decreases. Other people have psychological reasons (depression, anxiety, etc.) which may take more time to resolve. Some people are trying to fill some sort of spiritual void that they have.

this

 

[KamMoye]

personally i think our brains are just wired differently. we gotta find other things to replace the addiction with. for me it's exercising, but sometimes i get tired of the routine and do drugs just because. the more intrinsically rewarding stimulation you can find to replace drug use the better off you'll be

 

[izzy66]

95 days is fantastic, keep going!!
i moved multiple times so i didn't have easy access to heroin but what really made the biggest difference for me was staying totally clean of everything for almost 2 full years. i absolutely know if i moved somewhere that i had easy access again, i'd fall right off and be back at it.

you know well enough where the road is gonna take you if you get back on it. you'll have to decide if you really want to go there or not. regardless imo you really do need more than 95 days away before you can honestly answer your questions.
best of luck to you.
-izzy