Mental Health Don't know where I am or what to do

[aperson444]

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure why I'm posting here really, but since drugs are relevant to my situation, I thought this would be a good place to dump these thoughts out.

I'm going nowhere in life. I've had problems with depression and (social) anxiety for three or so years now, starting in middle school. I am on treatment right now, and I have made some progress since day one, but I still don't feel like anything is changing. I'm taking Zoloft (just under the maximum dosage for m. depressive disorder) and Wellbutrin XL at the standard dose. I have experience with Prozac and Ativan. I've tried Seroquel, Adderall, and other pharmaceuticals recreationally as well. I have weekly CBT sessions with a psychiatrist. I do all of that, and in the past I've tried to stay positive and be proactive, but it always falls apart. Every time I make some progress, something happens, I get suicidal, and I'm back at square one. To make matters worse, I get incredibly violent mass homicidal thoughts, and they get to a point where I start planning. It's scary and makes me very guilty. So I've decided to take matters into my own hands before I hurt someone. I've been interested in opiates for a long time. I've been around people who have struggled with addiction, and it's scary, but I think to myself: I have nothing to lose. I figure that I could start with hydromorphone or something, and then once I know I'm dependent, take a massive suicidal dose to end it all.

Is there a trigger for these thoughts? Not particularly. I look around and see my situation. I don't have a driver's license. I've never had a real life girlfriend. I have few friends and those friends rarely talk to me. I'm crippled by a fear of social situations and I always feel like I'm being judged. I loathe being alive, I loathe myself, and sometimes I loathe humanity. I don't deserve the shelter I'm given, the food on the table, or anything really. I feel subhuman. I have lost all my motivation, and although I'm not suicidal right now, I would not care if I died/faced death. I've tried many things already, meditation, group therapy, CBT, various medications, self-injury, drugs, exercise, and masturbating for hours a day. I don't have very much freedom; in freshman year my parents found out I smoked cannabis, and they did not like it. Let me rephrase that. They saw weed as equivalent to meth/heroin -- they told me this. I got expelled my sophomore year (high school) for marijuana distribution (I gave 3/4 gram of weed to my friend at school). That was a nightmare. Anyways, basically I'm not allowed to go outside of the house, my parents block certain websites, etc. All because of my supposed "marijuana addiction" (it's in quotes because my use was not even daily, and I spend $20 a month on weed at a maximum).

To be honest, the only thing that has worked and not fallen apart is cannabis. I have stopped doing that out of respect for my parents, but I'm miserable right now. I have persistent nausea, I have uncontrollable tremors (probably from Wellbutrin), and I've started to get paranoid and shaky (also probably from the Wellbutrin). I have no motivation and I am slowly slipping back to that dark place I'm always afraid of. It appears that the only way out is by pharmacological means -- benzos, opiates, alcohol, and stimulants. No one seems to care that I'm miserable, and I've adjusted to becoming okay with that, but no one will let me control my misery in my own ways. I regret not killing myself when I had the chance. I wish I did it. Sorry if I'm coming across as a whiner. I just don't know where else to turn. Nothing is working.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey aperson.. welcome to Blue Light I am sorry you are struggling with this.. I struggled with social anxiety and anxiety for years and I was finally able to ge to the root of it and now it is gone so dont give up Have you looked and and do you understand where social anxiety comes from and have you looked into addressing the underlying causes of this? Man as some one that struggled mightely with social anxiety I know how awful it can be.. but if i can get better so can you

 

[aperson444]

That's something I do address a lot with my mental healthcare provider. It seems to be part temperament and part bad experiences in the past that convinced me that people are constantly judging me.

 

[neversickanymore]

Here is the root of social anxiety and I hope you can take this like I did and use it to crush this awful plage. Social anxiety is based mainly in two things; it is based in our morality and values. You need to identify and accept the values and morals that are right for YOU. By morals I mean we need to identify and accept the correct way for YOU to act. and that is defined by what is right for YOU. By values we need to define and accept what YOU value for YOU.

If YOU are able to identify and accept the correct way for YOU to act by examining what YOU know is right and correct then you will no longer need the aprovial of others and will no longer care about thier judgments weather perceived or real.

If YOU are able to identify and accept what is valued by YOU then you will no longer care or be bothered by what is important to others and you will no longer require the aprovial of others or give a rats ass about there judgment.

Follow your heart, it is the only thing that knows where you need to go and how you need to get there.

How do you know you should act? What is is important to you? not what your parent said, not what the teachers said, not what society says.. what ever you think in your heart is RIGHT All you have to do is identify and accept these.. your heart knows.. once you are able to realize and accept this.. then all of that will fade away. yeah people will still judge but you will be able to look at it as what it is.. thier fucning opinion and thats it. Follow your heart and believe in it cause its always right.

 

[velmwend]

Can't you use proxies to unblock the websites?

You know - you're here...you're here and you're talking about stuff. Keep doing it - keep reaching out. Keep talking. Keep writing.

Keep thinking - but begin to think about 'right thought'. The chain that your thoughts take may be taking a learned direction - one that ultimately snowballs into negativity. Keep a close eye on your thoughts and as soon as a thought chain begins to get negative stop right there! Visualize your train of thoughts.

Each morning say this to yourself: As long as a little more love is entering this world each day we're heading in the right direction. Let it be me who offers some of that love.

The reason for this saying is because, as depressives, we bear the weight of so many of life's woes - we regularly face the abyss and we we regularly permit ourselves to stare right into it. We know how it is to suffer and, through those experiences, we learn that this world needs more love and we need to do our part to be contributing to that. Once we are generating more light, more love, we can begin to offer it to others, too. People feel it radiating from you. People become attracted to it and they want to share in it. Your life begins to change. Just wake each day and repeat that mantra, then go about your day with that mantra in your heart. That extra love can be anything from a little something you do for yourself, in way of caring for your own needs. Or you could do something for someone else, to lessen their burden. Simple things, things that add up to more love...

I would seriously sort out that web ban situation...


I'm currently tapering from lexapro, to see how I feel, and what I've just recommended is what I'm currently using for myself, to help with my day-to-day coping mechanism. I find it's having a beneficial effect...