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TDS Don't know what to do

deidara

deidara

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
383
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I've been using heroin the past year and basically my life sucks. I'm in the process of a suboxone kick right now. I am moving back in with my mom in a couple weeks, but when I get there I don't know if I should just go to meetings and try to stay clean or keep using? It would take a while to get a dope connect so it wouldn't be every day to start off with. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of living without any drugs tbh but I know it might be the only way for me to be happy. What do you guys think?
 
I can tell you right now that heroin is definitely not the answer. Any good it appears to do is outweighed by the bad x10000.

Trust me, im on methadone and was an iv heroin addict, its probably the hardest thing youll ever do, stopping, but it is most definitely worth it. Im in the process of tapering and yes it sucks but so does addiction.

You can definitely do this. You have to decide if youre truly ready to stop. And dont fall into the "one last time" trap...you will always want one more "last time." Its called being an addict. :) if I were you I would check out some meetings near you. If you dont like na/aa see if theres smart recovery meetings near you. And of course stay on bluelight. Youll need all the support you can get. There is so much more to life than drugs, when youre stuck in that cycle its impossible to see the forest for the trees though.

You are strong enough to do this and you can have a life better than you ever dreamed. Real happiness is much superior and longer lasting than the empty euphoria of drugs.
 
I imagine that you are moving back in with your mom because you cannot take care of yourself, right? You say your life sucks and it sounds like it does. But you and the circumstances of your life are not one and the same. You don't suck, your life does. Once you have that line firmly established in your head, you can begin to tackle the roots of the problems. Heroin addiction might appear to be the root but it probably is simply a symptom, though it is certainly one that causes a whole host of new and much deeper problems. Why do you feel you are scared to live drug-free? The emotions you feel are too overwhelming? There are many, many things you can do once you arrive at your mom's house to begin to set your life in order.

Finding heroin connects would be the worst thing you could do. That isn't a solution, it is a continuation of the hell you find yourself in now. Will you have access to counseling? If not, there are tons of free services online that you can use to fight old mental patterns that keep you trapped in depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, etc. Go back in your mind as far back as you can go until you remember a time in your life when you felt easy about yourself. What changed? What do you need to do to feel good about yourself now? Compassion for yourself is often elusive. Make it a mission to befriend yourself, to take care of yourself. That means being brutally honest and infinitely gentle and empathetic at the same time. Running away from the places within that scare you creates so much more devastation--not only for you but for all of those people in your life that care about you.

Be bold and honest with your mom. Ask for help and seek it out. Good luck.<3
 
Thank you guys.. I think I'm gonna try to get a suboxone doctor when I get there.. I know it really does help with the cravings. I just don't want to give up smoking weed, I looooove weed. But I always gotta have something else, if its not dope its speed or benzos or alcohol along with the weed. Plus I love the art of injection... like I'm not happy until I have enough substance in me. Will I ever find a happy medium, or does it have to be all or nothing???
 
I think it's important to ask this question. Feel free to answer publicly, by PM, or not at all if you're not comfortable doing so.

Why do you think that using something is the only way to be happy in life?

Whether or not you can be happy without drugs aside, it's important to figure out why you think you'll need something like that in life to keep going.
 
Honestly I don't know. I was kinda happy at a point in my life when I was clean and in NA. I had friends and did fun things. But even then I felt like something was missing. And now that I've been using again for over a year I don't feel like I can ever get back to that place. The only thing I look forward to is my next fix, hit, pill, or drink. My boyfriend tells me I'm one of those dumb kids whose gonna end up dead... I'm starting to think he's right...
 
deidara said:
But even then I felt like something was missing.
Click to expand...

Then you need to find out what's missing.

From what I have put together about my life, and the lives of others I have witnessed, and also from reading your post, I would guess that you could probably use a real relationship. You know, one where both people are 100% loving and don't call each other dumb.

You deserve it, you just have to keep going for it until you get there.

Of course, I could be wrong on my assumptions. So let me know what you think about that.
 
Your boyfriend sounds like he's worried. It's your choice on how this is going to go though. I think just posting here shows that you're not truly happy using and would like to get off. You have what it takes to get yourself back and be clean again. If NA helped before, by all means go back to meetings again. You can turn things around. <3
 
my boyfriend (actually my fiance(my engagement ring is bout the only thing I haven't sold)) is a really good guy, he's just an addict just like me. I am 100% positive we are soul mates (yes i believe in that shit) and I want us to have a happy future together with or without drugs. I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up everything yet.
 
^ You won't be able to give up anything if your life partner won't/or doesn't want to. What does he feel about his own use?
 
I just noticed u & I are both living in NC.. its these damn southern boys, I'm telling u! However I do agree with what herbavore said above.. my fiance & I both use but we IV subs & take Xanax every once in a while. He's done about every drug, me, I'm too scared to try more than what I have. Anyway, we both have a strong desire to stop & we don't let it run our lives by any means. Pls don't go find a heroin connect, you have the right idea by trying to find a doctor. Idk that we're supposed to share where exactly we are for obvious reasons but I know a few really good doctors around here that are truly interested in your recovery..
 
Yeah I think thats what I need to do is get a doctor. Basically, we don't want to be dependant on opioids but we want to enjoy other things like weed, booze, acid etc.. I don't know if that's possible. What part of NC are you in if you dont mind me asking? I'M not there yet, but will be in a few weeks. That's where I'm moving back to, I'm from Chapel Hill.
 
I'm about 2hrs away from chapel hill, I'm near Jacksonville. I wish u were closer, my doc is the best physician I've ever dealt with, by far. Where u moving from?
 
deidara said:
I've been using heroin the past year and basically my life sucks. I'm in the process of a suboxone kick right now. I am moving back in with my mom in a couple weeks, but when I get there I don't know if I should just go to meetings and try to stay clean or keep using? It would take a while to get a dope connect so it wouldn't be every day to start off with. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of living without any drugs tbh but I know it might be the only way for me to be happy. What do you guys think?
Click to expand...

If it was ten years from now-you'll either be so glad you decided to kick now; or you'll be kicking yourself in the ass for not going with the stay clean option-now while you're contemplating.

Save yourself; try to kick. Reach out to any recovery programs/free meetings/clean friends you can find. You'll be so much happier when 2023 arrives.
 
deidara said:
thanks, I've been opiate free for 4 days :) tho i have been taking bupe
Click to expand...

I only have a few things to say and I'll try to keep on point. If you're moving in with your mother, you should probably be respectful of her and her home. That probably means no dope, weed, booz or acid. If you're an addict, then stopping one form of abuse isn't going to help.

You said you were in NA and felt that it helped, but said there was something missing. I can only guess that you didn't have a sponsor or weren't being totally honest with yourself and that person while you were in the program. I say this because I was not with myself and my sponsor and I relapsed (several times).

If we're not willing to give ourselves completely in the process, then we will fail time and time again. I was sitting in a step meeting and we were talking about the 10th step. It wasn't until that very moment that I realized that I had actually never really done a 10th step. Sure, I'd gone through the motions, did the inventory and even apologized when I did something stupid. What I never really did though was to look at what my fucked up character defects were that may have contributed to the situation. It hurt to realize this. It was one of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with (and still am).

But I at least have a little more understanding as to WHY I would relapse. All I know is that I need to do what that darn book says and I have to be honest with myself if I'm really going to make it this time. And one day at a time I'm able to say for today I am clean and sober only by the grace of god. I hope you to can find that thing that gives you the desire to commit yourself to this same path. So much for 'keeping it short'...
 
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