Mental Health Do severe PTSD triggers ever stop?

[JessFR]

I'm so sick of it. Ok so I've had a lot of bad shit happen to me in my life. The worst as far as long term impact was the abuse I suffered in my childhood. Which reached a peak at about 12-13.

When I was about 16 I went through a really bad year. But it wasn't like what I went through as a kid. This trauma was caused by what I witnessed happening to someone else, not what had directly happened to me. For several years after that I avoided anything that reminded me of what happened. But, eventually, it stopped. Stuff that reminds me of it now, I mean, it still upsets me, but it doesn't trigger me, it doesnt hijack my emotions such that I feel the same fear I did at the time.

But the shit that happened to me at 12 or so... that happened to me. And at the time I was so afraid I felt so completely helpless and often I truly felt like I was going to die. I can't really describe how it felt. Emotionally I mean. It's this black cold feeling of overpowering terror. Anyway I never felt that with what happened at 16 because as hard and painful as it was, the traumatic shit I went through then was from seeing someone else die. I wasn't afraid for my life I was afraid for theirs. As traumatic and hard as it was at the time though, for whatever reason, perhaps cause I was older by then, I recovered from that. It took several years where I'd still have nightmares about what happened and feel triggered by stuff that reminded me of it, but over time it slowly went away by itself. I'm still sometimes reminded of it, but the nightmares are finally gone, I don't feel it the way I used too when I'm reminded about what happened. And that's good I guess.

But what I went through when I was little, I just turned 29 as of early October and it's STILL here. I've gotten better sure, but I still sometimes have the nightmares. And it's still not that uncommon that I'll be watching tv or something and something will trigger me and I'll start feeling a taste of that sheer terror I mentioned again. I start feeling it again like when it was happening. It used to be a lot worse, it used to be triggers could cause me to actually feel the physical pain again, and the sensation of utter cold, dark terror, the sensation that you're totally helpless and going to die or worse, was so much more overpowering.

And when it happens, after the fear part subsides, I start feeling this overpowering anger. This rage over the fact that I'm STILL so damaged because of this even after all this time. Even with bad traumatic shit that happened when I was older, that I got through, dealt with, and got better from. This, what happened to me as a kid is still with me.

And that's why I'm posting this, cause I wanna know. Does it EVER go away? Or are some experiences simply so damaging that you never entirely get over them? Cause that's sure what it seems like. It seems like if this were ever gonna stop it would have by now. I mean it's manageable, but it's still not gone. And the older I get the more frustrated I feel about the fact that it's still something I'm living with the consequences of.

I know I haven't given much details, I don't like talking about the details. There are only one or two people in the world who actually know the full details about what happened to me. Cause well, I'm still too afraid to talk about it.

I know what people are gonna ask, if I've gone to see a psych about this shit. And well, for the most part the answer is no. I saw a psych for a while after I was hospitalized when I tried to kill myself, but that's about it, and I never really talked in depth about what happened to me.

I mention small details from time to time, but unless it's relevant to the conversation I usually don't talk too much about the details.

I just wanna know if you get to a point where you don't keep slowly getting better. I know there are lots of people here who've suffered from trauma and PTSD and are older than me, and so might have a better idea if it's likely to get any better. But in the last 5 years or so its seemed like it's not getting slowly better anymore.

And I'm sick of feeling so impacted by my past. My memories from before I was about 14 aren't very good. I mean I remember what happened, but a lot of it isn't very clear, it's like remembering a dream you had long ago more than a true memory of a past event. And most of my childhood apart from the trauma and abuse and some flashes here and there of other memories, most of it I don't remember. Which is also frustrating because I feel like so much of my memory from back then is gone so why can't I just forget about this too?

I'm sick of thinking about it. I've read that PTSD victims sometimes feel a compulsion to reexperience the trauma, I've long had experiences like that where I'll feel compelled to deliberately find things that remind me of it. Like googling reports of people who went through similar stuff even though reading about it can be traumatic for me. Supposedly PTSD sufferers sometimes feel compelled to do that as a psychological attempt to better process the feelings and emotions. It makes sense. But at the same time it's sort of counter intuitive. Cause it's intentionally exposing yourself to triggering shit. Sometimes it makes me feel like I just want to scream.

So yea, is it likely to keep getting any better? Or do you get to a point where you just gotta accept that this is as good as it gets and you'll always be somewhat damaged by your experiences.

 

[cj]

I don't know if it gets better. Ill be 29 in a few days myself. I was sexually abused as a kid from 6-11. It destroyed me it still destroys me. I'm in counseling now but it's not getting better. I wish I had answers but I don't. Just wanted to say I read your post. I feel it too and its killing me slowly.

Plur

 

[Runningfox]

Ladies n Gents --
I too read your post Jess. My heart REALLY goes out to you (cj as well). I cannot speak a whole lot of childhood trauma as I had none.

My first big trauma ("the logical End Of the World" my sister coined the experience ) I was 25 and dare I admit still fairly immature emotionally. That trauma was the violent sudden death of my mom whom I was very close to and actually living with at the time.
Today-- that trauma was 18 years ago and although I suffered a nervous breakdown over moms death in the months following it, over time YES YES YES that pain and reliving it and imagining things differently and beggin the universe to let it have been a dream..... alllllll that has virtually disappeared over time.
Not only time but I got Help too. What helped most was not so much the individual counselling but therapy in Groups in person. Frequent and structured. There are groups.


Here's what's weird. (I didn't see my die) but just last year I saw my daddy die. Yes I'm much older now but watching him pass away has SERIOUSLY fucked me up. I would have my ass In Those rooms right now (depression / anxiety support groups ) if only they existed within driving distance of where I live now. Sadly they don't.

Of course i recall most if not all i learned in groups.... i try hard to recall it and apply it. Traumas like THIS -- the real life-altering events you others have experienced I think they can be overcome. I really do. But to make that happen (here's the Shitty part) YOU although the victim yourself, you have to do "the work " of healing your own mind.

It's not fair and it's not easy and I dunno if it can be done, alone. I BELIEVE and have seen it be done by way of those live action support/ educational groups. You usually find them thru a counsellor or a doctor. Mental health type avenues. I'm in the USA so I should say, that's how I personally found the groups.

Aside from any divine interventions or epiphanies (like you suddenly have a spiritual awakening/ revelation or you Feel the hand of God on your skin ) then I can only recommend support groups run by or moderated by professional ppl .social workers, nurses, psychologist types. Those groups taught me to heal. (Lordy I wish I were in one NOW!!!!) 17 months since I breathed along side dad, his last breath. After months of caring for him and the only way I could fall asleep those exhausting nights while he got sicker, was to lay down nearby n match his every breath to my own. That's what I was doing when his breath suddenly didn't come one night.

I'm trying hard to heal myselffrom THAT horrible haunting trauma. As a middle age adult whose learned the lessons n been handed the tools, it's still hard exhausting work. Some days all I do is sit a f THINK. Yes still trying to Process it all
I DO NOT seek out other stories similar to mine yet I sometimes come across them. I simply feel a kinship with those who have shared experiences like losing mom young and watching dad die. These were awesome parents hence my trouble free childhood. I am grateful n feel Blessed I had it so easy
I feel so badly for those with List / Stolen Childhoods. It's not fair. It's not right. But I have this kooky belief that regardless of the Offenses others committed against a person , that person has Tremendous value and a REASON to be here.


Your lives are very valuable. Just need to locate the proper Help to teach yourself to live without guilt and shame, to find self -worth and eventually find your Reason for being. There's gotta be one.

Again I'm so sorry for the suffering. Maybe all the bluelighters together can help to heal your pain/ help to lead you with suggestions. I surely hope so.
Forgive my misspelling. I'm sure there's alot.
Strength n peace, for all

--- Fox

 

[Vastness]

I was debating whether or not to post here because I don't have any first hand experience with this, but I have been very close to a few people who have suffered from PTSD of varying severity and complexity as a result of childhood trauma, so having witnessed their struggle, and having researched it and related conditions pretty extensively in my own time order to better understand what they are going through, I will contribute my opinion in the hopes that you or others might benefit from it in some small way.

You mentioned that you haven't really been to see a psychologist. I understand why (to some extent), but this is a barrier to you being able to properly heal. In answer to your main question, as to whether or not you will continue to heal with time, I would say that unfortunately, without some kind of professional help, it is hard to say. It's said that time heals all wounds, and it is likely that as time passes and your memory of the trauma inevitably, gradually, fades, you will come to be less acutely affected by it... but it is probably unlikely (again, without professional help) that you will completely recover on your own, because inevitably the trauma itself has had and will continue to have knock-on effects on your development as a person, and the longer this goes on the more deeply it is going to be ingrained into your character and the harder it's going to be to reverse.

For this reason, the sooner you can get help from a professional, the better. I get why you wouldn't want to, obviously it's very very hard to talk about your trauma otherwise you would have already done so, but it's the very nature of trauma that the human psyche is just not properly equipped to know how to deal with it. I'm not sure if I can say anything to encourage you to do this, or if I have any right to, because obviously even though I and others might feel that they understand intellectually the nature of PTSD, without having suffered any comparable trauma I'm fully aware that emotionally I really don't understand what it's like.

But I like to use an analogy to a real physical wound regarding trauma and the necessity of swift treatment by people who have made it their profession. Trauma is like a wound inflicted on the mind - if you were wounded on your body, like you got a huge cut in your arm or something, you could leave it... perhaps over time it would heal on it's own. But it would likely scar, and if it was not properly cleaned out before being bandaged and allowed to heal, it might also lead to secondary infections that would continue to plague you for a long time. The only difference with psychological trauma is that the wound is not visible, but the effects are the same. The wound needs to be opened up, and cleaned out, even though this is very painful, because the longer it is left untreated, the more it will fester, and the worse the scarring will be. Maybe eventually it will heal completely on it's own, but it will likely take a long time, and likely still leave a scar.

Of course you're not alone in not having sought proper help already, it's an unfortunate and vicious part of the nature of trauma that no-one wants to rip open that old wound to properly clean it out, let alone right away when it's most painful. Some people never manage to get themselves to the right place where they feel they can accept treatment, resigning themselves to the continuous, dull background pain of this slowly, slowly settling wound rather than facing the sharp and immediate pain of opening it again... but everyone deserves better than a life of unresolved psychological pain.

So in summary, I would really encourage you to seek out some professional help, don't let a few bad experiences deter you, and don't give up if it doesn't work out right away, because it really is the best option currently available to allow yourself to properly heal. But whatever you choose to do I wish you well and hope that you can resolve this to your satisfaction.

 

[Runningfox]

That was a great reply vastness. Much better than my "tried to be supportive but made it about ME n my troubles " attempt.

Also. ... even professionals (tho they are your best chance Jess) may NOT truly understand you personally. But they have case studies and models of success / improvement to lean on.
It's that Emotional trauma occurring AS YOU ARE STILL VERY YOUNG and still developing mentally that is a snag for me. Since I didn't live it, I dunno How to heal it. Professionals might.....
Pls give them a new try at this new age. You don't wanna be plagued alllllllll your life: that's letting whomever offended against you Win

 

[Vastness]

^ Thanks Runningfox, hopefully it was some help, no need to put yourself down though, all any of us can do is relate things to our own experiences as we try to understand.

Something else just occurred to me JessFR about how you were saying you feel a strange compulsion to expose yourself to triggering things... I think that this fits in with the "wound" analogy also, as it's basically the equivalent of picking at an irritated, itchy scab that refuses to heal. You're trying to open up the wound yourself but obviously you don't have the proper instruments to clean it... Like picking and poking at a scab with dirty fingernails, rather than sterile surgical instruments - this is the difference between self-analysis of severe trauma and careful, guided analysis in a controlled setting.

The only place the analogy falls down is that if you cut your arm open on a rusty nail, we have various local anesthetics that would prevent you experiencing the pain of cleaning it. Unfortunately no such tools exist for the mind that do not also impede the healing process... perhaps they will some day, or perhaps not.



Also, cj, I'm sorry to hear your counselling isn't working so far, but for what it's worth, evidence suggests it will in time... There are other options available also, obviously counselling is a pretty broad term, but if it is more-so "talking therapy" at the moment then I think it is pretty normal that it takes a while to start seeing benefits, and more targeted psychodynamic therapy might be helpful at some point... Either way I just want to make the point that although psychiatry/psychotherapy is still very much an infant science in some ways, it is an advancing science, and we already have a wide range of different therapies or "psychological instruments" available to us, even if one or more of them don't work for some individuals. If you're getting counselling you're on the right track to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it now, and I hope you can find the strength to stick with it.

 

[Runningfox]

Question
I wonder if hypnosis therapy would be akin to lidocaine in your wound analogy? But I guess I've only heard of hypnotherapy a whole long while In The Past (dunno if it's EVER used now) and even then it was to bring up repressed memories. So I suppose I just wasted my time n yours.... yet.... I dunno.

It bugs me that, where I live, No counselling is offered by actual psychiatric or psychological Doctors. You get a therapist which Is usually a licensed soc worker sometimes with a nursing or n mental health background. From personal experience : it's hit n miss. The credentials also do not always suggest she or he is a BETTER counsellor / will be a BETTER match to any given individual.

My favorite (and the most caring) counsellor in my area is just a licensed social worker. But I loved her. She REALLY CARED. Then the office was bought out by another company and this awesome counsellor was somehow relegated to seeing ONLY patients on Medicaid. I have private insurance so I can't see her. I'm not even allowed to see her n pay full price out of pocket. Just can't, they say, she is no longer Licensed to see anyone other than Medicaid participants.

They stuck me with a counsellor with more credentials (but she didn't show up for work on the day I was scheduled ). So I basically saw a receptionist for an hour. We just gabbed. She paid very little attention, even scrolled thru her phone while I was talking. Mind you this was considered a Counselling session.

I never returned and that's the only counselling anywhere near where I live: the ppl in that office. Even if ya needed meds (which are supposed to come from a psychiatric doc ) all you get is a mental health nurse practitioner and She was a bigger nightmare than the non-counsellor counselling session. It's awful around here.... for a hospital w psych care one has to travel three counties away in either direction. Good thing I'm relatively stable / not on pysch meds.


Point here : it all takes time. Be prepared for some frustrating encounters and professional ppl who are not a good fit yet they still take your money.
Be your own advocate for Decent care and doooooooooo not give up as easily as I did. (I was only going because of a legal requirement at the time).

But in the city? When I lived near to some Choices and decent resources I got Loads of help from some VERY caring professional people . Most helpful of all, those Groups.

That's my two cents for now. Be patient as it's rarely a one -time deal, to find a therapist or doc who's a good fit for YOU.
maybe you can Google professional ppl who Specialize in ......... whatever your issue is. (Childhood abuse / ptsd )
Don't accept less than you deserve or less than you're paying for.