Do people ever change?

[BornAgainYogi]

There's this person who seems to be so cold. I messaged her of a neighbor having passed away the day before whom I sorta knew during childhood but since he was always sick and wheelchair bound we only met a handful of times. No words of consolidation. Not even any inquiry into my relationship with the guy. She's an ex that I'm hoping could still remain a friend. I gave her a year of cool off and was hoping to reconcile our differences but she seems worse than before as she was almost always this way. Am I wasting my time? She's always had a tough life but I don't see that as any excuse not to have a good set of morals. I don't want to be friends with someone so harsh but don't want to crap out on someone who needs me either. What should I do?

 

[queenbee1127]

In my experience, no, people don't change. Can they put in more effort and compromise? Sure. But do they fundamentally change who they are, especially for other people? No.

You said it yourself, she's an ex and she's cold to you - why would you want to restart a relationship with her? It doesn't sound to me like she cares, but it also sounds like you shouldn't either. Don't waste energy on people who don't appreciate you.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I think that people can and do change; but it has to be up to them. Another person is not going to make someone change, and you yourself can't force or make a person change.

You gave her a year to see if she had changed, she apparently has not, and is cold to you.

Just cut your losses, and find someone else to be friends with who isn't so cold and who appreciates you for who you are. Good luck.

 

[Hear Me Roar]

I'm kind of a mix of the two.

I mean, when you think about it, people are who they are, from how they were brought up and the experiences they live through.

A teenagre/adolescent will certainly change by the time he/she's in his/her 30s.

Though changes in my opinion, only come from the person who changes and not the people who want them to change. An said changes aren't often made on a whim because someone critiques a characteristic of them. It comes from life changing experiences and what that person learns about themselves and what they actively seek to change about themselves.

We are who we are and we all have a subjective opinion of the characters we find appealing in each other. Telling someone what you find ideal, doesn't automatically make them want to change to fit your ideal, when they may subconciously/conciously see nothing wrong in the way they act.

An when we talk of change, it's so broad and encompasses so many different things on so many different levels.

So to answer your question, yes, I believe people can change, but no, people don't often change to suit the ideals of another. When quite often, they see nothing wrong in the way they act.

Ultimately, the bigger question is, are you willing to accept her for who she is? Despite what you personally would have her change about herself. It seems less about her changing and about your acceptance of someone.

 

[Clitnhawk]

A person can change some aspect of themselves, if they recognize a problem, a fault, etc. You can recommend someone change for the better or whatever... but in the end, nobody ever FIXED anyone.

You can change behavior traits, but you cannot fix personality. A "cured" gay man, married to a woman - is still a gay man... its always a matter of time. That is why REAL doctors say "stop trying to cure the gay".

 

[BornAgainYogi]

Thanks. I think I'm just gonna give up on that front. She has so many traits I don't like in a person.

 

[llama112]

People can 100% change. It is possible. Especially when they grow up. Do you really think a 17 year old is ALWAYS going to be the same as he/she is when he/she is 25? Probably not. And then again at age 35? Doubtful.

But it doesn't seem like this person has changed. You can tell. If she is a negative influence on your life, then no need to have her around. You tried to help her previously. You did what you could. But you don't need to be dragged down.

 

[Smoky]

I feel people can get to know the better part of themselves if they are willing and open to do so. Most often traits are taken on via their care givers, thus some react the conditioning in interpersonal relationships as they have not inquired into their own personal truth of who they are as an individual. Is this change? Perhaps.

I think we grow into who we truly are, and become whole at some point, dropping the personalities, old scripts and behavioral responses from youth. The shell can be softened and the heart opened.

This cannot be done by anyone else wanting them to do so though unfortunately.