Do not marry Cocaine!

[undertoker]

I wrote this a couple weeks ago while I was in jail. I'm out now, getting drug tested twice weekly.

I fell in love with cocaine, praised her like a fool to my entire family, while she silently stabbed me in the heart, destroying my once prudent blood. The moments high were brief, signifying that my mistress robbed me of very little precious earthbound time. To the onlooker this may be the case, but altogether she has destroyed five years of my life, while enslaving my mind to the remainder moments I shall breathe.
People may say, "toughen up, grow a pair, move on" but such words prove incurable to a heart that's been brandished by frigid numb, celestial seduction. I may live life denying her into the streams of my vitality, but every time I confront the hypodermic, I reminisce on our titanic voyages. How she wrapped me in a blanket like a newborn child in the arms of its mother, showering me with natures perfection, giving me a glimpse into the mind of the creator. UnderToker will never be the youth at 15, innocent like a golden retriever earnestly playing basketball in the free northern sun.
My mind will forever remain tormented, a machine whose only happiness can come chemically and intravenously from flaky pearl chunks of natures finest isolated goddess.

I wrote more about my wife, but I will post it later. I came back onto bluelight after a couple years because my mind is tortured now. My whole day all I can think about is cocaine. The smell, the looks, the heaven like high. I want it bad, but I'll go to jail. I'm shooting up water because I am so desperate. I guess this post is warning, once you get a taste for a good coke high, your life becomes meaningless, just a pursuit for coke.

 

[David Wooderson]

I feel for you undertoker, good cocaine is amazing.

I am blessed with never truly becoming addicted to it, did on average a quarter a week for about a year and when I stopped I never truly craved it. Only time I get actual cravings is when I'm moderately drunk kind of like when quit cigarettes. I think the main reason I never ended up with a bad addiction was limiting my using days to 1-3 days a week vs everyday.

Give yourself some time, your brain needs to heal and you will eventually find something that fills that void.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

I understand what you mean, i was never a crack addict, only dabbled. was a full blown heroin IV addict for many years and now I'm clean (from hard drugs). the only drug that still makes me sweat when I think about them is crack even though its been about 5 years.

it will get better with time though, you are in withdrawal right now. putting down the needle is possible. I haven't used one in years and i used to do it daily, and this was on my own free will, nothing bad forced me to do it. Iust decided i better before something bad did happen. just be strong, it will fade with time, DONT DRINK that will magnify the urges.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

eh coke just ain't that great. The high is way too short, especially if you slam it.

IV feels amazing of course, but being an IV cokehead is ridiculous. You'll blow your veins out in no time.

Also, it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine when people attribute human characteristics to drugs (i.e. describe drugs as a woman, for example)

 

[gmlifer]

I never shot up so I can't completely relate but I have done ALOT of cocaine and it was difficult to walk away from. I had to stop drinking to do it. Stay strong brotha, you can do this.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Cocaine is a good "complimentary drug"...like heroin + cocaine in a shot (speedball, popular for a reason!), or cocaine + alcohol

Cocaine by itself, though? Nah

 

[dopemaster]

You can't fall in love with a drug or a specific high.

I beg to differ on being able to top the high of your first dose and I never felt like I was chasing the original high, just a high and an escape.

Cocaine is hard for some people to stop but I found it easy if I wanted to. It's best to sleep it off. If you have been using alot it is going to take a few months to stop being depressed as it really affects the reward part of your brain and stuff your body makes like dopamine.

Bottom line here, if you are at a point where you got alot to lose like your freedom you realize that is a heavy thing to lose.

So maybe get some rest and go outside for a bit and enjoy the scenery and then realize how you can't go outside in jail. When you feel safe at home realize you won't in jail no matter how tough you are.

Do the work and get yourself back and you might get your family back, you might not but just let them know you are trying.

You gotta do if for you as selfish as it sounds but look it's better to be clean on the outside than using in the inside. If you don't recognize the lingo which I think is from AA wouldn't you rather be clean and not in jail then in jail or prison and using a lil bit of dope smuggled in. It's not free so someone eobe funding your habit and they drug screen on the inside and it adds to your sentence.

I suppose you could do your time if you want your probation over with but don't use inside. That is agood way to die a bad death. Using inside will make you a target for extortion.

You got your freedom. I always took it for what it was and it's just a bit of dope at the end of the day and not worth ruining your life over and don't get in the mindset things couldn't be worse because you are getting a second chance and fucking up intense probation is not worth it.

Even in prison you got things to lose like being in general population, going outside, and your sobriety and trust me drinking toilet wine isn't fun.

I think maybe you should hit up AA or NA abd ime iy doesn't matter if you are a drug addict at AA and just say alcoholic and refer to your cravings as wanting to drink or drug. NA you can talk freely about drug use in meetings but the most meaningful conversations I had took place after meetings. You will meet people who were in your shoes and some used and went to prison and some didn't and they will tell you how they managed. It might be hard, really hard.

It's your life and I suggest doing what you can to take it in the direction you want.

 

[Pill2Chill]

I'm on a honeymoon with that bitch atm, afterwards imma dump her hard.