maybejustdifferent
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2016
- Messages
- 1
I don't really know where to start. I apologize in advance because I feel like this is probably going to be a long post.
What I'd like to do is share my DMT experience, but also ask if anyone else has had something similar happen to them. If so I'd love to hear about it.
Where to begin? Perhaps just a little background info first; I'm a twenty-something year old female, this was my first time doing DMT but far from my first psychedelic experience, and I've been more or less....mentally unstable my whole life. Its actually what started me on my journey with drugs, trying to find an answer to what was wrong with me, why I couldn't have a normal life etc... and it seems as though DMT finally answered that call.
I'll just jump right into my experience and hope it makes sense, perhaps adding a little more clarification if anyone wants any.
I was doing the DMT with my partner,we'll call him Jim. I'd been nervous about the trip from the time we got the stuff, but I absolutely could not explain why. I'm an experienced user of all things psychedelic, and they'd never phased me before, but the DMT gave me a funny feeling leading up to the day we were to smoke it.
When that day finally arrived I actually felt better about it, excited even, I thought everything would be fine then. Jim had put together a bong of sorts and put 50-60 mgs in there for himself. He smoked, took one big puff and held it for thirty seconds, then he was out. We were taking turns and I was watching him. He seemed fine, very relaxed, I almost thought he'd fallen asleep. After about ten minutes he began to move again, after twenty he sat up.
The whole time that he was high, I experienced an uncontrollable and growing sense of discomfort. He set it up for me next, and when it was ready he stabbed the straw into it for me to inhale. My heart was racing, I was having second thoughts,I started to say “I dunno...” But I didn't want to waste it so I took the bong and inhaled deeply.
I held it for maybe ten seconds, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My vision went glitchy, a loud buzzing noise filled my ears, colours started forming. I collapsed back on the couch, unable to move, breathing deeply as it was the only thing I could do. My partner had turned out the light and suddenly I had one horrible thought of “I knew I shouldn't have done this...I knew it, I shouldn't have done this...” Before I fell into what can only be described as a pit of hell.
I shot up, gasping at my partner to turn on the light. I couldn't see or feel anything but pain and torment. It was as though it had always been this way, and always would be, there was nothing but deep, throbbing emotional pain that completely consumed me. Visuals were minimal at this point, I was very much inside of myself. I tried to pull out my hair and clawed at my legs and arms. I thought I was lost forever. My partner's reassuring voice pitched in every now and then, it was obvious I was having a bad trip and he'd say things like “You're doing really good, It wont last forever, You've still got a ways to go but it will end.”
I was taken somewhere extremely dark and deeply sad. It was evil and empty and horrible all at once. I had a vague concept of something to live for...a small white female figure (I figured out it was our daughter after) who was the only light in my whole life, and it was a small one, but I held on for her.
I thought I was dying. It was dropped on me that I always feel this way, that's how it always is for me, I just don't allow myself to feel it. Its like the curtains, the walls,were dropped and I saw for the first time, fully, how I actually feel. And it was horrible. I realized how deeply, unspeakably sad and empty I am. And that if I didn't do anything about it, it would stay that way forever.
I would get glimpses through the darkness every now and then, of a loving, light filled figure. I thought it was an angel, I could tell it was trying to help me through it, trying to keep me going.
The intense high started to go and I could see the room again at this point, though it was still very strange, geometrical and colourful. I'd been asking my partner the whole time I was out of it over and over if it would ever end.Finally I said, “OK, its fading, its going away.” This was deeply relieving to me as I had no real surety of the fact that it wouldn't last forever, or that I hadn't always been this way. When I was back a little more, I remember looking at my partner with wide,tear-filled eyes, my expression (as he told me) one of deep shock and pain. I told him that I thought I was going to die. But it didn't end there.
Images and feelings started to bombard me. A figure appeared. It was dark, shadowy, it looked at me sadly.Vision started happened. In the vision was my father, his breath on my neck, his beard scratching my skin, his body pressed against mine.The vision cut out. The figure was back.
“No.” I whispered. Then I started screaming. My partner came over to me and held me. I scratched at him and kept repeating “No, No, No!” The figure pushed on me harder.It showed me again. It said, “Your father used to sneak into your room-”
“NO.”
“-And have sex with you.”
“NO!” I screamed. I was shaking,rocking back and forth, trying to pull out my hair again and clawing Jim's arms (although after my partner said my movements were so weak he hardly felt them at all).
I was crying uncontrollably and screaming “NO.” Over and over as the visions kept going. I kept asking my partner “Its not real right? Its just the stuff right?This didn't actually happen right? Its not real?” (He had no idea what I was talking about).
The figure was slowly and sadly explaining all my pain to me “This is why you feel this way....This is why you have this problem... Your father raped you.” But I was in severe denial. It was too much for me to handle. I was collapsing under the weight of this information. I couldn't take it.But the sad, dark figure just kept delivering it. Finally I fell back and talked out loud (actually out loud according to Jim), I said,“OK, maybe I just have to accept it, maybe it won't hurt so bad if I accept it, maybe it'll stop.” I tried to listen, I tried to look.The figure talked to me more directly then. It told me how I'd given the memories to it, many years before, with the agreement that it would keep them locked away. “We'd agreed on it.” It said.
“Is this true?” I asked.
“Yes.” It said, “Its all here if you want to see it.”
I jumped back and forth between accepting it and denying it, panicking and exploring. At this point the figure became more clear. It was a black shadow standing in front of an open door, light streaming into the room from the doorway and illuminating its silhouette. It had small, white eyes. It just stood there. When it spoke of hiding the memories away, I saw a chest, like a pirates treasure chest, in my minds eye. It was understood that in asking this figure to keep the memories away from me, I was also asking it to leave. It couldn't watch the memories, and be with me at the same time. It was a missing part of me, what I understood to be my shadow (in Jungian terms).
I explored a few memory fragments, but could hardly handle it. I skipped from one to the next. Finally I just stared at the figure. It stared back at me. I was trying to decide if it was real, or if it was the devil trying to trick me. It started to grow menacing then. A smile appeared in my minds eyes, a wide, scary sharp-toothed smile. I stood my ground and stared at it.I could tell it was trying to frighten me.
“I'm not afraid of you.” I said quietly out loud, I felt my partner squeeze my hand. Then I repeated it, louder this time. I felt an inner sense of power well up inside of me as I faced this figure and yelled at it that I'm not afraid of it. Then the smile turned peaceful. It smiled at me, and somehow through me. I smiled.
We spoke again for a while. It explained to me that I had to accept what had happened, that I would never be happy until I did. It showed me how good my life could feel if I could accept my past, accept what my father had done, and take back the chest. We would be reunited (the dark figure and I). It showed me how strong I am,how strong I would feel if I could acknowledge my memories and grow from them. I shrank away from the powerful image of myself that it showed me. I said, “That's not me, I'm worthless, I'm nothing.” It swelled up and became angry, it spoke loudly saying, “HE did that to you. That's how HE wants you to feel. That's what he has tried to make you into. Its not true. You can't let him win. You use this to feel powerful, you use this to beat him, and then you win. ” It went on like that for a little while, it talking to me about my father. And then the figure started to fade. I reached out, I didn't want it to go.
“Don't go.” I pleaded.
“I have to.” It replied.
“How can I get you back, how do I do this?” I asked. It said, “You have to believe you're good enough.I can't be with you until you believe you're good enough.” I opened my eyes again and looked at my partner, the colours and geometrics were almost gone. Things were pretty much back to normal. I closed my eyes again but the figure was gone as well. And I dissolved into tears and realized that I didn't feel good enough, and was still in utter shock over what had just been discovered/shown to me. After awhile I was able to talk to my partner about it, though telling him was very difficult.
After I'd told him, he said his trip actually made much more sense. He described his trip to me before as confusing and mostly unimpressive, claiming all he'd seen was one immovable geometric figure followed by some self-reflections and feelings as though he was carried deeply into his heart. He says that he thinks that's why I started to feel uncomfortable as his trip went on, because I was forced a little more into my heart as well, which is where all these memories of mine were stored it seems (this information is based on many other experiences that would be entirely too much to share right now) and that it might even be partially his fault that I experienced what I did, seeing as how he's the one who forced me into a heart place immediately before the trip. But he explained that in going there himself he was much more able to help me and deal with my bad trip, and that if his trip hadn't happened that way he would've been a lot more freaked out about me. So it seems like it was meant to happen the way it did. I'm just beyond being able to understand the complete wisdom that this implies DMT having, but open to the possibility. I definitely deeply respect this substance.
Just for some clarification, this wasn't completely out of the blue information that I received on the DMT. It had been a possibility to me for years that I'd been sexually abused as a child,but I had very fragmented memories prior to age nine or ten. My relationship with my father has always been strange, uncomfortable and he's more or less someone I've avoided over the years. In recent years as I tried to explore the possibility that I'd been abused,trying to figure out who had done it, a small voice in my mind would suggest that it had been him, but I always adamantly pushed this possibility away. After this trip, and much research, I've finally come to accept reality. When I was a kid, my father would sneak into my room and have sex with me.
This DMT trip was the scariest, realest and most life changing thing I've experienced thus far. Even though it would technically be classified as a “bad trip” I am very glad it happened the way it did. It can't be helped that what I needed to see was of a definitely dark and horrible nature, and I am eternally grateful to DMT for showing it to me. After a few weeks of exploring what was shown to me, its like my life finally makes sense. It all adds up, my struggles and issues have formed into a complete circle and I've even been able to accept that it happened (though some days are harder then others)
DMTfor me wasn't some other world exploration star ship alien adventure(not that there's anything wrong with that), it was a journey into myself and with myself. I had hardly any visuals save for my own memories, and I was able to communicate with the figure I saw. From what I've read of DMT trips, this seems unusual.
The message I received was that I am deeply troubled and depressed because I was raped by my father as a child, and that I have to find a way to feel good enough about myself despite that. This just seems like such a “real-lifey” realization compared to the ones I've witnessed others having, and I'm having trouble finding many people who have realizations from their DMT trips at all. But perhaps I'm just terrible at finding such stories. Long story short, I'm trying to find people who've experienced a similar kind of trip (as in a trip about your actual life, and not an other-worldly experience) and asking them to share their stories with me, so that I can feel more normal.
I hope this wasn't too confusing. Thanks for reading.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_dmt
substancecode_tryptamines
explevel_firsttime
exptype_positive
exptype_lifechanging
exptype_difficult
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled
What I'd like to do is share my DMT experience, but also ask if anyone else has had something similar happen to them. If so I'd love to hear about it.
Where to begin? Perhaps just a little background info first; I'm a twenty-something year old female, this was my first time doing DMT but far from my first psychedelic experience, and I've been more or less....mentally unstable my whole life. Its actually what started me on my journey with drugs, trying to find an answer to what was wrong with me, why I couldn't have a normal life etc... and it seems as though DMT finally answered that call.
I'll just jump right into my experience and hope it makes sense, perhaps adding a little more clarification if anyone wants any.
I was doing the DMT with my partner,we'll call him Jim. I'd been nervous about the trip from the time we got the stuff, but I absolutely could not explain why. I'm an experienced user of all things psychedelic, and they'd never phased me before, but the DMT gave me a funny feeling leading up to the day we were to smoke it.
When that day finally arrived I actually felt better about it, excited even, I thought everything would be fine then. Jim had put together a bong of sorts and put 50-60 mgs in there for himself. He smoked, took one big puff and held it for thirty seconds, then he was out. We were taking turns and I was watching him. He seemed fine, very relaxed, I almost thought he'd fallen asleep. After about ten minutes he began to move again, after twenty he sat up.
The whole time that he was high, I experienced an uncontrollable and growing sense of discomfort. He set it up for me next, and when it was ready he stabbed the straw into it for me to inhale. My heart was racing, I was having second thoughts,I started to say “I dunno...” But I didn't want to waste it so I took the bong and inhaled deeply.
I held it for maybe ten seconds, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My vision went glitchy, a loud buzzing noise filled my ears, colours started forming. I collapsed back on the couch, unable to move, breathing deeply as it was the only thing I could do. My partner had turned out the light and suddenly I had one horrible thought of “I knew I shouldn't have done this...I knew it, I shouldn't have done this...” Before I fell into what can only be described as a pit of hell.
I shot up, gasping at my partner to turn on the light. I couldn't see or feel anything but pain and torment. It was as though it had always been this way, and always would be, there was nothing but deep, throbbing emotional pain that completely consumed me. Visuals were minimal at this point, I was very much inside of myself. I tried to pull out my hair and clawed at my legs and arms. I thought I was lost forever. My partner's reassuring voice pitched in every now and then, it was obvious I was having a bad trip and he'd say things like “You're doing really good, It wont last forever, You've still got a ways to go but it will end.”
I was taken somewhere extremely dark and deeply sad. It was evil and empty and horrible all at once. I had a vague concept of something to live for...a small white female figure (I figured out it was our daughter after) who was the only light in my whole life, and it was a small one, but I held on for her.
I thought I was dying. It was dropped on me that I always feel this way, that's how it always is for me, I just don't allow myself to feel it. Its like the curtains, the walls,were dropped and I saw for the first time, fully, how I actually feel. And it was horrible. I realized how deeply, unspeakably sad and empty I am. And that if I didn't do anything about it, it would stay that way forever.
I would get glimpses through the darkness every now and then, of a loving, light filled figure. I thought it was an angel, I could tell it was trying to help me through it, trying to keep me going.
The intense high started to go and I could see the room again at this point, though it was still very strange, geometrical and colourful. I'd been asking my partner the whole time I was out of it over and over if it would ever end.Finally I said, “OK, its fading, its going away.” This was deeply relieving to me as I had no real surety of the fact that it wouldn't last forever, or that I hadn't always been this way. When I was back a little more, I remember looking at my partner with wide,tear-filled eyes, my expression (as he told me) one of deep shock and pain. I told him that I thought I was going to die. But it didn't end there.
Images and feelings started to bombard me. A figure appeared. It was dark, shadowy, it looked at me sadly.Vision started happened. In the vision was my father, his breath on my neck, his beard scratching my skin, his body pressed against mine.The vision cut out. The figure was back.
“No.” I whispered. Then I started screaming. My partner came over to me and held me. I scratched at him and kept repeating “No, No, No!” The figure pushed on me harder.It showed me again. It said, “Your father used to sneak into your room-”
“NO.”
“-And have sex with you.”
“NO!” I screamed. I was shaking,rocking back and forth, trying to pull out my hair again and clawing Jim's arms (although after my partner said my movements were so weak he hardly felt them at all).
I was crying uncontrollably and screaming “NO.” Over and over as the visions kept going. I kept asking my partner “Its not real right? Its just the stuff right?This didn't actually happen right? Its not real?” (He had no idea what I was talking about).
The figure was slowly and sadly explaining all my pain to me “This is why you feel this way....This is why you have this problem... Your father raped you.” But I was in severe denial. It was too much for me to handle. I was collapsing under the weight of this information. I couldn't take it.But the sad, dark figure just kept delivering it. Finally I fell back and talked out loud (actually out loud according to Jim), I said,“OK, maybe I just have to accept it, maybe it won't hurt so bad if I accept it, maybe it'll stop.” I tried to listen, I tried to look.The figure talked to me more directly then. It told me how I'd given the memories to it, many years before, with the agreement that it would keep them locked away. “We'd agreed on it.” It said.
“Is this true?” I asked.
“Yes.” It said, “Its all here if you want to see it.”
I jumped back and forth between accepting it and denying it, panicking and exploring. At this point the figure became more clear. It was a black shadow standing in front of an open door, light streaming into the room from the doorway and illuminating its silhouette. It had small, white eyes. It just stood there. When it spoke of hiding the memories away, I saw a chest, like a pirates treasure chest, in my minds eye. It was understood that in asking this figure to keep the memories away from me, I was also asking it to leave. It couldn't watch the memories, and be with me at the same time. It was a missing part of me, what I understood to be my shadow (in Jungian terms).
I explored a few memory fragments, but could hardly handle it. I skipped from one to the next. Finally I just stared at the figure. It stared back at me. I was trying to decide if it was real, or if it was the devil trying to trick me. It started to grow menacing then. A smile appeared in my minds eyes, a wide, scary sharp-toothed smile. I stood my ground and stared at it.I could tell it was trying to frighten me.
“I'm not afraid of you.” I said quietly out loud, I felt my partner squeeze my hand. Then I repeated it, louder this time. I felt an inner sense of power well up inside of me as I faced this figure and yelled at it that I'm not afraid of it. Then the smile turned peaceful. It smiled at me, and somehow through me. I smiled.
We spoke again for a while. It explained to me that I had to accept what had happened, that I would never be happy until I did. It showed me how good my life could feel if I could accept my past, accept what my father had done, and take back the chest. We would be reunited (the dark figure and I). It showed me how strong I am,how strong I would feel if I could acknowledge my memories and grow from them. I shrank away from the powerful image of myself that it showed me. I said, “That's not me, I'm worthless, I'm nothing.” It swelled up and became angry, it spoke loudly saying, “HE did that to you. That's how HE wants you to feel. That's what he has tried to make you into. Its not true. You can't let him win. You use this to feel powerful, you use this to beat him, and then you win. ” It went on like that for a little while, it talking to me about my father. And then the figure started to fade. I reached out, I didn't want it to go.
“Don't go.” I pleaded.
“I have to.” It replied.
“How can I get you back, how do I do this?” I asked. It said, “You have to believe you're good enough.I can't be with you until you believe you're good enough.” I opened my eyes again and looked at my partner, the colours and geometrics were almost gone. Things were pretty much back to normal. I closed my eyes again but the figure was gone as well. And I dissolved into tears and realized that I didn't feel good enough, and was still in utter shock over what had just been discovered/shown to me. After awhile I was able to talk to my partner about it, though telling him was very difficult.
After I'd told him, he said his trip actually made much more sense. He described his trip to me before as confusing and mostly unimpressive, claiming all he'd seen was one immovable geometric figure followed by some self-reflections and feelings as though he was carried deeply into his heart. He says that he thinks that's why I started to feel uncomfortable as his trip went on, because I was forced a little more into my heart as well, which is where all these memories of mine were stored it seems (this information is based on many other experiences that would be entirely too much to share right now) and that it might even be partially his fault that I experienced what I did, seeing as how he's the one who forced me into a heart place immediately before the trip. But he explained that in going there himself he was much more able to help me and deal with my bad trip, and that if his trip hadn't happened that way he would've been a lot more freaked out about me. So it seems like it was meant to happen the way it did. I'm just beyond being able to understand the complete wisdom that this implies DMT having, but open to the possibility. I definitely deeply respect this substance.
Just for some clarification, this wasn't completely out of the blue information that I received on the DMT. It had been a possibility to me for years that I'd been sexually abused as a child,but I had very fragmented memories prior to age nine or ten. My relationship with my father has always been strange, uncomfortable and he's more or less someone I've avoided over the years. In recent years as I tried to explore the possibility that I'd been abused,trying to figure out who had done it, a small voice in my mind would suggest that it had been him, but I always adamantly pushed this possibility away. After this trip, and much research, I've finally come to accept reality. When I was a kid, my father would sneak into my room and have sex with me.
This DMT trip was the scariest, realest and most life changing thing I've experienced thus far. Even though it would technically be classified as a “bad trip” I am very glad it happened the way it did. It can't be helped that what I needed to see was of a definitely dark and horrible nature, and I am eternally grateful to DMT for showing it to me. After a few weeks of exploring what was shown to me, its like my life finally makes sense. It all adds up, my struggles and issues have formed into a complete circle and I've even been able to accept that it happened (though some days are harder then others)
DMTfor me wasn't some other world exploration star ship alien adventure(not that there's anything wrong with that), it was a journey into myself and with myself. I had hardly any visuals save for my own memories, and I was able to communicate with the figure I saw. From what I've read of DMT trips, this seems unusual.
The message I received was that I am deeply troubled and depressed because I was raped by my father as a child, and that I have to find a way to feel good enough about myself despite that. This just seems like such a “real-lifey” realization compared to the ones I've witnessed others having, and I'm having trouble finding many people who have realizations from their DMT trips at all. But perhaps I'm just terrible at finding such stories. Long story short, I'm trying to find people who've experienced a similar kind of trip (as in a trip about your actual life, and not an other-worldly experience) and asking them to share their stories with me, so that I can feel more normal.
I hope this wasn't too confusing. Thanks for reading.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_dmt
substancecode_tryptamines
explevel_firsttime
exptype_positive
exptype_lifechanging
exptype_difficult
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled
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