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Divorce; now have the upper hand but don't feel great about it

aihfl

aihfl

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 5, 2015
Messages
2,834
Location
El Pueblo Loco
My soon to be ex wife and I have been going through a nasty separation and divorce. Our marriage was never a good one. On one hand, I always felt like I had to walk on eggshells around my ex (she had a hair trigger temper and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells), but on the other hand, I abdicated many responsibilities plus the last few years we were married were severely marred by my alcoholism and addiction.

She filed for divorce almost exactly one year ago. She owes her previous attorney about $10k so she had to find new representation. Her previous attorney filed a charging lien against my ex and will not provide her new attorney with any documents regarding the case, as is her right, severely jeopardizing my ex's case.

This so gives me the upper hand, forcing her back to the negotiation table where I am free to dictate terms much more favorable to me than my previous settlement offer, which she refused to sign (she wanted to gamble on a trial thinking she would do better). I should be dancing a happy jig, but I actually kind of feel sorry for my ex. She wanted a protracted war thinking it would break me, but it's broken her more than me. I've just about depleted my retirement, but she's a hair away from bankruptcy. I thought I would experience schadenfreude at this kind of news, but I just can't be happy about it.
 
Unless you guys have children why don't you simply draw a line at 50% and walk away? Marriage isn't a contest so neither should be a divorce.
 
I'm so glad mine wasn't terrible like that. We actually never filed for years after we were separated and he even paid my health insurance for a while.

His mom basically ran everything for him. One thing that pissed me off was he wrote this really long heartfelt note to me and his mom told him to go back into my house and take it back since I could use it as "evidence." Neither of us had anything, so it was stupid. She was one of those main problems for us. Controlling and condescending as fuck.
 
One Thousand Words said:
Unless you guys have children why don't you simply draw a line at 50% and walk away? Marriage isn't a contest so neither should be a divorce.
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We don't have children. At issue here is our dream retirement home, which I purchased with an inheritance and was never commingled with marital assets. She wants our house in Florida free and clear, and 50% of our second home, plus $15,000 cash and half attorney's fees. She's been really inflexible about this and now I understand why. What I am up against is that I am coming out of a seven year span of alcohol and drug abuse and need the sale proceeds of that house to get back on my feet. We make about the same amount of money. Like I said, I should be doing a happy dance, but instead I kind of feel shitty about the whole thing.
 
Why is she asking for more than half? What has she bought to the marriage that warrants you walking away with less?

My lawyer looked me in the eye and told me I was young with unlimited earning potential, take a loss now and walk away happy. We have two kids though, so I never saw the benefit in point scoring. If my ex wife is happy, my kids will be too. It took at least five years to get back on my feet but at least I have one less enemy in life.

Obviously we live in different legal jurisdictions, but I can't understand if you both earn the same, why she can ask for you to pay her legal bills. Personally I'd sell all your assets and split it evenly, particularly if you guys have been married more than a couple of years. I understand why you would feel that your inheritance should be yours alone, but that's part of entering a marriage contract, you agree to be equal partners.
 
One Thousand Words said:
I understand why you would feel that your inheritance should be yours alone, but that's part of entering a marriage contract, you agree to be equal partners.
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That's actually not what the law says. Inheritances, if not commingled, are yours and yours alone.
 
But the written law also comes with lawyers fees, and a protracted drawn out process.

We all know there is the law, and there is what is just. Personally I preferred to walk away with less money but less heartache.
 
I guess the point I'm trying to make is both her previous and former counsel are ready to sell her out, putting me in quite the favorable position. But for some reason I just can't feel any happiness over it.

Also, I offered a 70/30 split on the second home. She rejected it.
 
Does she work?

My aunt and uncle played the control game and basically racked up $100k in attorney debts so no one really won but the attorneys. They both made great money though, so for them it was a power struggle.

Or my dad, for instance, just agreed to give my mom half of the sale of the house. So, he sold it and bought another house.

Don't know what the answer is, but I know that I just wouldn't want all the bullshit hanging over my head over money that isn't going to make or break me.
 
aihfl said:
I guess the point I'm trying to make is both her previous and former counsel are ready to sell her out, putting me in quite the favorable position. But for some reason I just can't feel any happiness over it.

Also, I offered a 70/30 split on the second home. She rejected it.
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What will make you happy? If you can afford to do more than a 50 / 50 split then do so, if you cannot then 50 / 50 split is the fairest deal. Don't leave yourself broke but don't bankrupt her just because you can. The sooner you make the decision the more money you walk away with as the solicitor fees will take a big chunk out of what money there is.
 
If your ex-wife seems to be doing this out of vindictiveness, I wouldn't be too fussed over if she gets nothing or not, if I were you.

Since you all seem to be so experienced and knowledgable about this, I have some questions if you don't mind...

If I am in a registered de facto relationship in my home country then move to another country to be with my spouse, is the relationship recognized there?

If I buy a house in the country my spouse is from, which is where I plan to live for some time with her (or marry her), but then things fall through, would she be entitled to that house?

If I buy a house in my home country and move to my spouse's country, register the relationship there, and things fall through, would she be entitled to my house in my home country if she has no citizenship?

I understand that it would depend on the country, but generally speaking will do.
 
That sucks. Divorce brings out the worst in people. :/ My parents had a 5 yr long divorce, both fighting for 100% -__- It finally ended when my dad died. And my mom finally won... 100% >.<

Best of luck to you. Try to end it as quickly as possibly since the longer it goes, the most expensive it would be. Can you and her try and meet with a mediator?
 
Prenup prenup prenup... At this point I'm going to have to agree with what some of the others said as far as going for 50/50. And why would you feel good or think you would feel good about her almost being bankrupt? Pretty immature to me. Neither one of you sound like angels.
 
Lysis said:
Does she work? My aunt and uncle played the control game and basically racked up $100k in attorney debts so no one really won but the attorneys. They both made great money though, so for them it was a power struggle.

Or my dad, for instance, just agreed to give my mom half of the sale of the house. So, he sold it and bought another house.

Don't know what the answer is, but I know that I just wouldn't want all the bullshit hanging over my head over money that isn't going to make or break me.
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Thanks Lysis, I think we are going to try to mediate this thing again. I think my settlement offer was fair so I'm going to push for that again: $10k cash up front, $5,000 in attorney's fees when the house in New England sells and a 70/30 split on the proceeds on that house. She would get the Florida home free and clear.

We could go to trial, but what might end up happening is she could lose the house here - a judge could order it sold, so she could lose on that end and the house up north could be split 50/50, and I'd be on the losing end there. The only up side for me would be no attorney's fees or cash settlement.

I do agree with the power thing though. That's how it started for her and of course I just couldn't take her crap lying down, and had to retaliate, and like you said, the only winners were the attorneys. Given our situations, that's why we're going back to the mediation table.

nuttynutskin said:
Prenup prenup prenup... At this point I'm going to have to agree with what some of the others said as far as going for 50/50. And why would you feel good or think you would feel good about her almost being bankrupt? Pretty immature to me. Neither one of you sound like angels.
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Thank you for bringing your ignorant douchebaggery over here as well. Prenup? Have you ever been married? First of all, there was no need for one because neither one of us had a need for one at the time. Who was going to know at the time that about 10 years later, I was going to be left a generous sum by an eccentric great aunt that would allow us to buy our dream retirement home well in advance of our retirement?

Second of all, I have just about depleted my retirement fighting a protracted war. Her stated intention was to break me, but really she ended up breaking herself even more. So yes, I did feel like I would feel good about anything bad that happened to her. But if you had taken the time to read what I've posted above, I DON'T feel good about it. In fact, I feel pretty shitty about it. So again, unless you are the Archangel Michael or JC himself or some other paragon of virtue, please kindly just STFU and refrain from commenting on matters which clearly know so little about.
 
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Don't make a thread if you don't want varying viewpoints dude. I don't have any personal beef with you although you seem like a bit of a negative person. Chill out.
 
aihfl

Read this advice and take it to heart. DO NOT feel bad that you may have the upper hand. The tables can turn against you easily. In a nutshell, she is NOT your friend.
 
Lysis said:
I'm so glad mine wasn't terrible like that. We actually never filed for years after we were separated and he even paid my health insurance for a while.

His mom basically ran everything for him. One thing that pissed me off was he wrote this really long heartfelt note to me and his mom told him to go back into my house and take it back since I could use it as "evidence." Neither of us had anything, so it was stupid. She was one of those main problems for us. Controlling and condescending as fuck.
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Oh god I know EXACTLY how you feel. I haaaate my quasi mother in law for exactly this reason. Controlling, interfering, used to run my boyfriends life like he was a boy instead of a grown man. Tried to run his finances despite screwing up her own. I could complain about her for hours. Thankfully eventually my bf came to see how she had no respect for him as an adult, and decided he wouldn't talk to her until she acknowledged her behavior. She stubbornly never has, so she's out of his life, and by extension mine.

I'm sorry it didn't work out as positively for you and your man. :(
 
I took care of my divorce myself. I got the forms online. I was not spending money on a lawyer. I went to one free consult to find out my rights. It does not matter who paid for what during the time of marriage assets are split 50/50 in my state. Everything "we" had was paid for by me. I signed off on a separation agreement that I lost out financially but I stood to lose a lot more if I did not agree. No fucking way was I losing more than I had to by law. Once 6 months was up I promptly filed. 6 weeks later I was in the courthouse with a witness and it was final. He didn't have to be there. I don't understand why people drag shit out. Get over it. Move on. Cut your losses.



The wisdom I have gained is that if you have a career, a 401K, a mortgage, and you make more than your future lifelong partner.…get a pre-nup. I never thought I had anything to lose when I got married. Live n learn :)
 
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Perpetual Indulgence said:
I took care of my divorce myself. I got the forms online. I was not spending money on a lawyer. I went to one free consult to find out my rights. It does not matter who paid for what during the time of marriage assets are split 50/50 in my state. Everything "we" had was paid for by me. I signed off on a separation agreement that I lost out financially but I stood to lose a lot more if I did not agree. No fucking way was I losing more than I had to by law. Once 6 months was up I promptly filed. 6 weeks later I was in the courthouse with a witness and it was final. He didn't have to be there. I don't understand why people drag shit out. Get over it. Move on. Cut your losses.



The wisdom I have gained is that if you have a career, a 401K, a mortgage, and you make more than your future lifelong partner.…get a pre-nup. I never thought I had anything to lose when I got married. Live n learn :)
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such good avice
 
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