Dissociatives Dissociatives/NMDA Receptor Antagonists + Having Dissociative Disorder(s) Thread

[CentipedeKarma]

I am VERY curious about this!

I dissociate EVEN when sober. I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which can make me dissociate SO intensely usually I will have NO clue who I truly am! I also MIGHT have Depersonalization/Derealization disorder (DPDR), and I realized last night i am LIKELY a guy who has Maladaptive Daydreaming Due to these also.

I dissociate practically 24/7 when sober, i dont know what being grounded feels like. its either not intense usually; I typically just dont know who i am, ever, truly, OR i dissociate so bad i tune everyone out and forget where i am.

It feels like im watching my life through a movie theater screen 80% of the time.

Now, onto the Meat of this subject:
My favorite class of drugs, bar-none, is DISSOS. DXM, Ketamine, PCP analogs, name it and I probably have tried or know about it extensively at the LEAST.

Dissos make me Dissociate even more, but end up coming to a CONCLUSION most of the time, mainly about myself, and then i will afterglow and feel temporarily grounded for a while. I will know who i am, what i want exactly, and be HAPPY. For example, I realized on DXM in 2018, i was not bisexual or aligned to any gender, i loved men as a genderless being.

Then i start dissociating while sober again, and cycle repeats... Like, remember the DXM realization I had in 2018? Yea, that turned out to 180 exactly 5 years later, with me going back to being bisexual + having a gender again, Feb 2024!

I want to hear from other Dissociative Disorder (DID/OSDD, DPDR, BPD, etc etc etc) Bluelighters who do dissos, WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE?! Let me know!!

 

[arrall]

I have DID and dissociatives heavily help me treat my CPTSD & primarily my Bipolar 2 & OCD.

I’m going to chime in more on this tomorrow because I have a lot to say.

 

[CentipedeKarma]

I have DID and dissociatives heavily help me treat my CPTSD & primarily my Bipolar 2 & OCD.

I’m going to chime in more on this tomorrow because I have a lot to say.

I have BPD also, as well as Cptsd, Schizoaffective bipolar, and Ocd also, and dissos treat these amazingly !!! SUPER EXCITED to hear back !!!

 

[CentipedeKarma]

I have DID and dissociatives heavily help me treat my CPTSD & primarily my Bipolar 2 & OCD.

I’m going to chime in more on this tomorrow because I have a lot to say.

hey!! its been a week, was wondering if you were gonna type that up ? was still hella interested, but no worries if not!! tysm

 

[Kaleida]

I have DID and bipolar disorder. I can't give a more specific classification than that (like DID/OSDD-1x or bipolar type 1 or 2 or if it's maybe really schizoaffective) because the professionals I've seen in my life about it weren't really concerned with finding labels. I'm in a new place in life now and currently intending to find a psychiatrist in the near future who might help be able to better narrow down these issues and others. But I definitely deal with this kind of stuff on a regular basis.

My experience with NMDA receptor antagonists is relatively limited. I've used DXM, methoxetamine, 2'-Oxo-PCE, and memantine a handful of times each, ketamine once in combination with 2C-I, as well as nitrous oxide several times (more in combination with psychedelics than not, but also plenty not). I haven't used them (except nitrous oxide once) since it became obvious that I have bipolar disorder, out of fear of making things worse mostly, although I already wasn't using them much anyway, mostly because of a lack of good choices. I used them at least I think once or twice after it became obvious I have DID but I mostly didn't have many options by then either. So most of my already limited experience with dissociatives comes from before I knew I was dealing with these things in the first place, although in retrospect I of course still was already dealing with them at the time.

I have a lot of interest in exploring the psychoactive effects and therapeutic potential of dissociatives, but I do have my reservations. I know for a fact that NMDA receptor antagonists can sometimes drive people crazy and I already have issues with psychosis. In general, when I find a drug trip report that closely resembles something I've experienced during an episode, it seems like there's a high chance the trip report is specifically about a dissociative. I feel like this makes them a double-edged sword; if I'm prepared to handle those kinds of symptoms/experiences then exploring them as induced by a drug could help me better understand and handle them than I would be able to without that kind of tool, but if I'm not prepared for it, it can make me even more lost in it than I already was. I find that this seems to match with my experiences with NMDA receptor antagonists generally so far, with them seeming in some ways insightful, and in some ways delusional.

All this being said, I assume they can do more good than harm when treated right. I don't regret the experiences I've had and often look back on different ones as having provided interesting insights into matters that I only came to more fully understand much later in life, although not as much as I have with psychedelics.

I do relate to the idea of coming to a conclusion at the peak of a dissociative experience. Mostly I can relate this to my experiences with nitrous oxide. One I always specifically remember is explicitly stating, "The schizophrenics were right!!" Although afterwards I couldn't remember about what exactly.

For what it's worth I think gender, sexual orientation, and dissociation seem to be interlinked in ways that relate to gender and sexuality being fundamentally both structured and fluid. And mania as well. I suspect that these topics and more are connected in ways that also relate to traditional ideas about spirituality, religion, masculine and feminine energies and interactions like the yin-yang, and in more modern terms things like religious psychotic episodes in bipolar disorder and so on and so forth. I suspect that dissociatives happen to just be particularly good at tapping into these regions of the human brain which I'd think might be related to why they seem to be particularly good at revealing, deconstructing, or altering aspects of the self or inducing mystical-seeming states of both modern and ancient themes. Although I wouldn't say they're the only drugs that are good at that.

Incidentally, I was thinking about using DXM again for the first time in many years recently. I'm still working up to talking myself into doing it. I might.

 

[sadasaulna]

I'm not gonna mention drugs since I have no idea what might work for you or worsen your symptoms. But I will say when it comes to gender identity and sexual preference be kind to yourself. I'm a (mainly) straight male who was the victim of a male sexually assaulting me as a child.

As a result I couldn't always tell the difference between a "man crush" and something sexual. After some experimentation I realised I wasn't bisexual, which is to say I can find men physically attractive (to look at), and mentally/romantically attractive but when it came to the "event" and something sexual was supposed to happen... nothing. I gave a blow job to a guy once because I was incredibly drunk and I believe he took advantage of me in my almost blackout drunk state but I hated it. Other times me and my first GF did a bit of swinging and I was into it for the other woman and her for the man or woman, but sometimes the man would want me to get involved with me too. Each time it simply didn't work. I wasn't even a bit sexually turned on by them. I ended up joking about it with my sister, since she's always been a tomboy and often remarks on how absolutely hot or gorgeous a woman is and I thought she might be a bit bisexual but her story was much the same as mine. She once got invited home by a very attractive couple, but it was clear the woman wanted sex with my sister and she turned them down as while she can find women very attractive to look at she has no sexual interest in them.

So relationships are complex. You can be romantically or visually attracted to the same gender while having no sexual desire for them.

I have no idea if you're bisexual or not, but I'd say that altered states of consciousness can put you in a position where your boundaries are lowered. Unfortunately there are people in this world who will use that to their advantage.

When it comes to sexual relationships my alcoholism was usually in the way anyway. I've had multiple chances at threesomes with my next GF (who had never swang) and other women which my GF was totally up for, but we were both too wasted to take the opportunity by the time it arrived. I remember us both getting very drunk at a wedding and us hitting it off with a very hot girl who gave us her hotel room number to come back to but we both retired home because we were both too wasted to do anything.

Has happened multiple times, when I was on a break with my GF and living at my own new rented house I had a neighbor who made it very plain she wanted to bang me. At the time I felt too guilty to pursue cos I was still in love with my GF even thought we were split up. When we got back together we'd meet the same woman in the local pub and she made it clear she was happy for us to both come back to hers, she wasn't put off at all by my GF, in fact she wanted to play with us both. Never happened cos we were usually to wasted by then to be of any use.

I'm still not sure if that was a curse or a blessing.