Sad Difficulty coming to Bluelight after all these years...

[Mafioso]

Years ago, I was a mod on the ED forum, I lived and breathed Bluelight, and I made lots of friends here. I met up with a lot of blers in real life, had a lot of fun, and made connections for a lifetime.

Then, fairly regularly, people started dying. Some rather close people to me on bl passed away. It became almost terrifying when a friend would say to me as their first conversation message, "Hey, do you remember <bluelighter username>?" It became expected with some regularity.

Now it's 2021, and it's been 17 years since I first logged into this website. It was easy to keep coming back for a while, to mourn with people as a community and to keep moving forward, keep meeting up with people and communicating. One of my closest and best friends that I'd ever made on bl, Mariposa, passed away several years ago, and it was earth-shattering to me. She lived nearby, and I'd only seen her a few weeks before her death. That was the final straw to me. I couldn't keep coming back here. Part of me still wants to engage, and here I am venting on TDS, on the day I hear again about another old bler passing.

I came really close to not making it myself over the last few years. I almost ruined my life again with substances, and have been now over a year sober. I'm in a good place now, on the right combination of antidepressants and suboxone maintenance. I'm stable. In a way, I guess I don't need Bluelight anymore for its intended purpose. I'd come here for the community still, if I could, but even a lot of my friends here have moved on too. It's just so hard watching people hurt themselves over and over that I care about.

I'm not sure what my original intent was with writing this. I guess it's more of a blog entry. Maybe I'm looking for others who share similar feelings, or at least have some insight. Maybe I'm also reaching out to people and letting them know that after years of substance abuse that people can still change, that troubled Bluelighters can come out the other end stronger and better than before. Probably a combination of all that. I just needed to write it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. You are appreciated.

I can relate to this so much.. maybe not so much directly to bluelight as I never met anyone in person, but bluelight started out as source of information on how ot get high and not completely wreck yourself and harrowing tales of lives that were torn apart by the lifestyle. Knowledge about drugs can be a bit like opening pandoras box for most- but to blame BL is misguided. I know it probably led me to push the boundaries of what is safe at times, but more than not it kept me at least aware of the dangers i was potentially putting myself in. So in that regard, it definitely had an overall net positive impact on me. The bad choices were mine to make and would've been made with or without this site.

It's almost comical that people want to villianize this site when there are literally sites about how to kill yourself and a whole bunch of members in similar mindsets encouraging and planning their own suicide as well.

But I definitely see how it can be difficult to come back... I've been having a simalar struggle just because it reminds me of a ll the dark times in my life. Also, always trying to empathize with people and help them through a difficult time can be emotionally exhausting. Sometimes I get anxiety at the thought of logging in and trying to help people in fragile states, as things can go south so easily.

I can relate to your post indeed. I also "lived and breathed BL" for quite a few years. Since my husband's death in 2018 I have only logged on to either write something in my son's shrine page or because an email tells me that I have a PM--very rare after all this time. I love that the community continues to thrive. Bluelight's effect on people's lives is profound in so many ways. For me it will always be the the solace of finding out just how much the community meant to my son during a time in his life when he was completely isolated from his friends IRL and riding the terrifying roller coaster of mdpv compulsion. And then it was the completely unexpected and surprising safety net that caught me when he died.

I'm so glad that you are in a good place, Idelibleface (and n3o as well). A lot of us have had a hard time holding on to hope these past few years and I think it is important to hear about the ways others have found to hold onto it. I'm glad you posted this. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't put in service here on BL anymore but mostly I just feel grateful to the site and all those that have kept it going through the years; that goes for those now doing all the day-to-day work of moderating.

TDS , and the other Recovery forums were my home. I'm glad they are still here. I remember there used to be a guy that mostly posted in the Lounge that would always scoff at BL's mission, claiming that it was bogus and dishonest because so many people died. I still think he entirely missed the mark.--do we fault hospitals and doctors because so many people die? Bluelight saves lives in so many ways, but the main way is that it is a community of people who speak the truth of their lives, whatever that truth may be at the time. I have seen so many people recover here.--and by recover I mean begin to get at the root of their pain and find the courage to face it. When my son lost his life to his overuse of drugs (before he died) he talked frankly about the risks he knew he was taking. He once explained it to me as a simple choice: live with his brain which was often tortuous, live in a world that often felt tortuous, or alter his brain chemistry and risk dying, thus leaving both brain and world. Bluelight can't save anyone any more than a parent can; but it can and does provide real information and a support and the warmth of community.

It's crazy how I still can remember one of your posts that really opened my eyes and spoke to me. One of the first times I had started to believe I didn't have to be doomed to be addicted to opioids. Still fighting the battle with benzos now, but I'm really grateful for people like you. The world really needs more. It's not easy to take on and understand someone else's pain and struggle in a way that is actually insightful. And if you really do, it can be incredibly burdensome. Counselor burnout rate is pretty high for this reason.