Sad Difficulty coming to Bluelight after all these years...

[indelibleface]

Years ago, I was a mod on the ED forum, I lived and breathed Bluelight, and I made lots of friends here. I met up with a lot of blers in real life, had a lot of fun, and made connections for a lifetime.

Then, fairly regularly, people started dying. Some rather close people to me on bl passed away. It became almost terrifying when a friend would say to me as their first conversation message, "Hey, do you remember <bluelighter username>?" It became expected with some regularity.

Now it's 2021, and it's been 17 years since I first logged into this website. It was easy to keep coming back for a while, to mourn with people as a community and to keep moving forward, keep meeting up with people and communicating. One of my closest and best friends that I'd ever made on bl, Mariposa, passed away several years ago, and it was earth-shattering to me. She lived nearby, and I'd only seen her a few weeks before her death. That was the final straw to me. I couldn't keep coming back here. Part of me still wants to engage, and here I am venting on TDS, on the day I hear again about another old bler passing.

I came really close to not making it myself over the last few years. I almost ruined my life again with substances, and have been now over a year sober. I'm in a good place now, on the right combination of antidepressants and suboxone maintenance. I'm stable. In a way, I guess I don't need Bluelight anymore for its intended purpose. I'd come here for the community still, if I could, but even a lot of my friends here have moved on too. It's just so hard watching people hurt themselves over and over that I care about.

I'm not sure what my original intent was with writing this. I guess it's more of a blog entry. Maybe I'm looking for others who share similar feelings, or at least have some insight. Maybe I'm also reaching out to people and letting them know that after years of substance abuse that people can still change, that troubled Bluelighters can come out the other end stronger and better than before. Probably a combination of all that. I just needed to write it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. You are appreciated.

 

[deficiT]

Whether it's a blog entry, a poem, or simply venting, it is greatly appreciated to hear from you today.

I have had a whirlwind of a shit year, and had multiple near misses. That makes the time I have now all the more important and cherished. I am not sober, but I have at least gained some degree of stability. Congratulations on your sobriety, that is a pretty decent amount of time you've put together.

Sometimes it seems like it's all just a bunch of really fucked up people that come here to congregate. And that might be true to some extent, but at the same time I think we have a lot of beautiful, kind, and intelligent people here that are using what opportunities they have to better themselves. Being a harm reduction forum populated with addicts and people with mental illness, as a community we have to deal with a lot more heartbreak than most.

It is not always the case, but people certainly do come out the other side. And I have a great amount of faith that BL can be better as we learn together and continue to help people through difficult times.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Years ago, I was a mod on the ED forum, I lived and breathed Bluelight, and I made lots of friends here. I met up with a lot of blers in real life, had a lot of fun, and made connections for a lifetime.

Then, fairly regularly, people started dying. Some rather close people to me on bl passed away. It became almost terrifying when a friend would say to me as their first conversation message, "Hey, do you remember <bluelighter username>?" It became expected with some regularity.

Now it's 2021, and it's been 17 years since I first logged into this website. It was easy to keep coming back for a while, to mourn with people as a community and to keep moving forward, keep meeting up with people and communicating. One of my closest and best friends that I'd ever made on bl, Mariposa, passed away several years ago, and it was earth-shattering to me. She lived nearby, and I'd only seen her a few weeks before her death. That was the final straw to me. I couldn't keep coming back here. Part of me still wants to engage, and here I am venting on TDS, on the day I hear again about another old bler passing.

I came really close to not making it myself over the last few years. I almost ruined my life again with substances, and have been now over a year sober. I'm in a good place now, on the right combination of antidepressants and suboxone maintenance. I'm stable. In a way, I guess I don't need Bluelight anymore for its intended purpose. I'd come here for the community still, if I could, but even a lot of my friends here have moved on too. It's just so hard watching people hurt themselves over and over that I care about.

I'm not sure what my original intent was with writing this. I guess it's more of a blog entry. Maybe I'm looking for others who share similar feelings, or at least have some insight. Maybe I'm also reaching out to people and letting them know that after years of substance abuse that people can still change, that troubled Bluelighters can come out the other end stronger and better than before. Probably a combination of all that. I just needed to write it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. You are appreciated.

Hey man, I've just come back after a long hiatus too. After DexterMeth and tripnotyzm died (my two most beloved boys in the universe) I just couldn't face coming on here. It was far too painful, and felt meaningless. But enough time and healing has passed now, and I'm back baby.

I too am clean and sober now, and in a really good place mentally and physically, thus I am ready and able to once again give back to others who aren't doing so well.

It's good to see you username pop up and good to hear you're doing well

 

[Hannah Capps]

oh I so relate to your post. I usually just stick to the words forum, music or light stuff here and lurk but yes I understand 1000 percent where your heart and head are coming from. (soft hug)

 

[herbavore]

I can relate to your post indeed. I also "lived and breathed BL" for quite a few years. Since my husband's death in 2018 I have only logged on to either write something in my son's shrine page or because an email tells me that I have a PM--very rare after all this time. I love that the community continues to thrive. Bluelight's effect on people's lives is profound in so many ways. For me it will always be the the solace of finding out just how much the community meant to my son during a time in his life when he was completely isolated from his friends IRL and riding the terrifying roller coaster of mdpv compulsion. And then it was the completely unexpected and surprising safety net that caught me when he died.

I'm so glad that you are in a good place, Idelibleface (and n3o as well). A lot of us have had a hard time holding on to hope these past few years and I think it is important to hear about the ways others have found to hold onto it. I'm glad you posted this. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't put in service here on BL anymore but mostly I just feel grateful to the site and all those that have kept it going through the years; that goes for those now doing all the day-to-day work of moderating.

TDS , and the other Recovery forums were my home. I'm glad they are still here. I remember there used to be a guy that mostly posted in the Lounge that would always scoff at BL's mission, claiming that it was bogus and dishonest because so many people died. I still think he entirely missed the mark.--do we fault hospitals and doctors because so many people die? Bluelight saves lives in so many ways, but the main way is that it is a community of people who speak the truth of their lives, whatever that truth may be at the time. I have seen so many people recover here.--and by recover I mean begin to get at the root of their pain and find the courage to face it. When my son lost his life to his overuse of drugs (before he died) he talked frankly about the risks he knew he was taking. He once explained it to me as a simple choice: live with his brain which was often tortuous, live in a world that often felt tortuous, or alter his brain chemistry and risk dying, thus leaving both brain and world. Bluelight can't save anyone any more than a parent can; but it can and does provide real information and a support and the warmth of community.

 

[alasdairm]

amen @herbavore

you have nothing to feel guilty about. hope you're well and staying safe and sane

alasdair

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

I can relate to your post indeed. I also "lived and breathed BL" for quite a few years. Since my husband's death in 2018 I have only logged on to either write something in my son's shrine page or because an email tells me that I have a PM--very rare after all this time. I love that the community continues to thrive. Bluelight's effect on people's lives is profound in so many ways. For me it will always be the the solace of finding out just how much the community meant to my son during a time in his life when he was completely isolated from his friends IRL and riding the terrifying roller coaster of mdpv compulsion. And then it was the completely unexpected and surprising safety net that caught me when he died.

I'm so glad that you are in a good place, Idelibleface (and n3o as well). A lot of us have had a hard time holding on to hope these past few years and I think it is important to hear about the ways others have found to hold onto it. I'm glad you posted this. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't put in service here on BL anymore but mostly I just feel grateful to the site and all those that have kept it going through the years; that goes for those now doing all the day-to-day work of moderating.

TDS , and the other Recovery forums were my home. I'm glad they are still here. I remember there used to be a guy that mostly posted in the Lounge that would always scoff at BL's mission, claiming that it was bogus and dishonest because so many people died. I still think he entirely missed the mark.--do we fault hospitals and doctors because so many people die? Bluelight saves lives in so many ways, but the main way is that it is a community of people who speak the truth of their lives, whatever that truth may be at the time. I have seen so many people recover here.--and by recover I mean begin to get at the root of their pain and find the courage to face it. When my son lost his life to his overuse of drugs (before he died) he talked frankly about the risks he knew he was taking. He once explained it to me as a simple choice: live with his brain which was often tortuous, live in a world that often felt tortuous, or alter his brain chemistry and risk dying, thus leaving both brain and world. Bluelight can't save anyone any more than a parent can; but it can and does provide real information and a support and the warmth of vore, hi n30.

I feel deep sorrow because many friends have died, especially Mariposa and dextermeth. Jim as well, unfortunately I never met him though.


Regarding 'the guy who scoffed at Bluelights mission", there have been some pretty strange times here where its really unclear what that mission is.

Ive questioned the validity of bl myself at times, with very good reason.

I suppose that would happen when there's changes in staff and changes in direction that make no sense at all.

Bl isn't static. Its entirely dependant on what the active population is up to at any particular time.

I always made the assumption that the bl community was held together by folk who were leading by example, basically had their shit together and looked out for us. I think that was a very naive assumption.

 

[indelibleface]

amen @herbavore

you have nothing to feel guilty about. hope you're well and staying safe and sane

alasdair

I am doing well friend. I'm married with two chihuahuas, and I am sober almost 1.5 years.

Thank you everyone, you are all appreciated.

 

[indelibleface]

I can relate to your post indeed. I also "lived and breathed BL" for quite a few years. Since my husband's death in 2018 I have only logged on to either write something in my son's shrine page or because an email tells me that I have a PM--very rare after all this time. I love that the community continues to thrive. Bluelight's effect on people's lives is profound in so many ways. For me it will always be the the solace of finding out just how much the community meant to my son during a time in his life when he was completely isolated from his friends IRL and riding the terrifying roller coaster of mdpv compulsion. And then it was the completely unexpected and surprising safety net that caught me when he died.

I'm so glad that you are in a good place, Idelibleface (and n3o as well). A lot of us have had a hard time holding on to hope these past few years and I think it is important to hear about the ways others have found to hold onto it. I'm glad you posted this. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't put in service here on BL anymore but mostly I just feel grateful to the site and all those that have kept it going through the years; that goes for those now doing all the day-to-day work of moderating.

TDS , and the other Recovery forums were my home. I'm glad they are still here. I remember there used to be a guy that mostly posted in the Lounge that would always scoff at BL's mission, claiming that it was bogus and dishonest because so many people died. I still think he entirely missed the mark.--do we fault hospitals and doctors because so many people die? Bluelight saves lives in so many ways, but the main way is that it is a community of people who speak the truth of their lives, whatever that truth may be at the time. I have seen so many people recover here.--and by recover I mean begin to get at the root of their pain and find the courage to face it. When my son lost his life to his overuse of drugs (before he died) he talked frankly about the risks he knew he was taking. He once explained it to me as a simple choice: live with his brain which was often tortuous, live in a world that often felt tortuous, or alter his brain chemistry and risk dying, thus leaving both brain and world. Bluelight can't save anyone any more than a parent can; but it can and does provide real information and a support and the warmth of community.

Thank you, friend, for writing all of this.

I am very close with "ebola?" IRL, he has had many fond things to say about you and told me about your story. I really appreciate the support.

 

[indelibleface]

I feel deep sorrow because many friends have died, especially Mariposa and dextermeth. Jim as well, unfortunately I never met him though.


Regarding 'the guy who scoffed at Bluelights mission", there have been some pretty strange times here where its really unclear what that mission is.

Ive questioned the validity of bl myself at times, with very good reason.

I suppose that would happen when there's changes in staff and changes in direction that make no sense at all.

Bl isn't static. Its entirely dependant on what the active population is up to at any particular time.

I always made the assumption that the bl community was held together by folk who were leading by example, basically had their shit together and looked out for us. I think that was a very naive assumption.

After Mariposa passed, it really broke me. Her and I formed a close friendship over the years. We were actually roommates for a time. Before she died, we had partially disconnected because I found it difficult to be close to her with her addiction issues, and when she died, I held myself responsible because I felt like I wasn't a better friend near the end, that I could have saved her life if I had been more involved. All of this made it hugely difficult to continue participating here, although I'm finally coming to terms with my responsibility re: Mariposa (thank you, therapy), and I've been wanting to show my face here more often.

(Indelibleface: failing at multiquoting in one post - sorry about the spam. )

 

[Xorkoth]

Bluelight is made up of individuals, and as individuals, none of us is perfect, but we try as best as we can to run a good forum that provides valuable services to people both in need, and people who find a community here. Of course we make mistakes, but we try our best to learn from them and move on and hopefully make less mistakes in the future.

As a drug forum, it's a sad reality that we face the death of our friends more often than anyone would wish. It hurts every time.

After Mariposa passed, it really broke me. Her and I formed a close friendship over the years. We were actually roommates for a time. Before she died, we had partially disconnected because I found it difficult to be close to her with her addiction issues, and when she died, I held myself responsible because I felt like I wasn't a better friend near the end, that I could have saved her life if I had been more involved. All of this made it hugely difficult to continue participating here, although I'm finally coming to terms with my responsibility re: Mariposa (thank you, therapy), and I've been wanting to show my face here more often.

Glad to see you posting. I feel you on the sense of responsibility. One of my best friends (and a BLer) passed from a fentanyl OD a few years back now. Her addiction and subsequent personal issues made her increasingly difficult to be around and be there for. Towards the end, we all pulled away from her because it was emotionally exhausting to try to help her and time and time again be beaten up on by her for not doing enough, or not being sympathetic enough, and the night she ODed, I ignored a call from her. And never got the chance to talk to her again. It really fucked me up for a while (and still does sometimes). In the end, there is only so much you can do for someone, but it is really hard not to feel guilty for something like that.

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

After Mariposa passed, it really broke me. Her and I formed a close friendship over the years. We were actually roommates for a time. Before she died, we had partially disconnected because I found it difficult to be close to her with her addiction issues, and when she died, I held myself responsible because I felt like I wasn't a better friend near the end, that I could have saved her life if I had been more involved. All of this made it hugely difficult to continue participating here, although I'm finally coming to terms with my responsibility re: Mariposa (thank you, therapy), and I've been wanting to show my face here more often.

(Indelibleface: failing at multiquoting in one post - sorry about the spam. )

I met her and her friends and then partner , went to San Francisco from Australia to do so.

I am so glad I did. We talked a lot in the year prior to her death, on fb, neither of us were active here then.

I feel bad because I didn't know how bad her drinking was.

If I did, I would have probably failed at talking her into getting help but would have tried anyway.

She really meant a lot to me, still does.

At least we can share grief at the loss of a mate, just wish I was physically close to do something.




Ive lost friends just after talking to them, gone to funerals, the works.

There's nothing wrong with at least trying to figure out if anything could prevent some deaths, some people really could have been influenced by bl to take a good look at their behaviour and not so much hero worshipping some obviously too drug fucked people, SPLATT being a prime example.

Anyway, hope you're going okay, much love

Xx

 

[negrogesic]

Ive been here coming on 20 years, since i was a teenager (and started moderating here as a teenager). Many of people ive know from here have died (I mean captain heroin died a few days ago and I've known him for over a decade). This is a tough place to make friends. An interesting place too. I once moved to the other side of the world (Australia) for a girl i met on here and we are still pretty close. Bluelight shrinks the world but the people here seem to frequently succumb to the occupational hazards that brought them here. I beat the odds. But i am an exception. Everyone who knew me then would be amazed im still here given the death wish i admittedly had.

 

[Max Power]

Hello @indelibleface

Just wanted to say welcome. I remember your name from before. It's normal to take extended breaks from this site, sometimes its necessary.

I'm a former mod myself, recently logging in after what feels like a five year hiatus. The good thing about no longer being staff is that you aren't required to login, so you can come and go as you please: at your own pace and on your own terms. It's a weight off, in a way.

See ya around, maybe.

 

[Asclepius]

Years ago, I was a mod on the ED forum, I lived and breathed Bluelight, and I made lots of friends here. I met up with a lot of blers in real life, had a lot of fun, and made connections for a lifetime.

Then, fairly regularly, people started dying. Some rather close people to me on bl passed away. It became almost terrifying when a friend would say to me as their first conversation message, "Hey, do you remember <bluelighter username>?" It became expected with some regularity.

Now it's 2021, and it's been 17 years since I first logged into this website. It was easy to keep coming back for a while, to mourn with people as a community and to keep moving forward, keep meeting up with people and communicating. One of my closest and best friends that I'd ever made on bl, Mariposa, passed away several years ago, and it was earth-shattering to me. She lived nearby, and I'd only seen her a few weeks before her death. That was the final straw to me. I couldn't keep coming back here. Part of me still wants to engage, and here I am venting on TDS, on the day I hear again about another old bler passing.

I came really close to not making it myself over the last few years. I almost ruined my life again with substances, and have been now over a year sober. I'm in a good place now, on the right combination of antidepressants and suboxone maintenance. I'm stable. In a way, I guess I don't need Bluelight anymore for its intended purpose. I'd come here for the community still, if I could, but even a lot of my friends here have moved on too. It's just so hard watching people hurt themselves over and over that I care about.

I'm not sure what my original intent was with writing this. I guess it's more of a blog entry. Maybe I'm looking for others who share similar feelings, or at least have some insight. Maybe I'm also reaching out to people and letting them know that after years of substance abuse that people can still change, that troubled Bluelighters can come out the other end stronger and better than before. Probably a combination of all that. I just needed to write it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. You are appreciated.

This makes perfect sense. Thanks for posting. so honestly

I only knew Mari through posts (many wondeful pm's), but cant imagine what it was like to have met her in person! She was a beautiful bright presence - I kind of loved her, too. How could you not, eh?
Beautiful, warm presence. Her intelligence, her engagement and her genuine beautiful, presence that you felt, by engaging with her (and for me, that was just on here; can not imagine what it was like knowing her irl) A remarkable, human.


So glad you are doing ok and live to tell the tale, on here. No doubt, a friend of Mari's is remarkable too! :D

Keep on, give your life holly, beautiful. x

 

[MyrandaK]

Years ago, I was a mod on the ED forum, I lived and breathed Bluelight, and I made lots of friends here. I met up with a lot of blers in real life, had a lot of fun, and made connections for a lifetime.

Then, fairly regularly, people started dying. Some rather close people to me on bl passed away. It became almost terrifying when a friend would say to me as their first conversation message, "Hey, do you remember <bluelighter username>?" It became expected with some regularity.

Now it's 2021, and it's been 17 years since I first logged into this website. It was easy to keep coming back for a while, to mourn with people as a community and to keep moving forward, keep meeting up with people and communicating. One of my closest and best friends that I'd ever made on bl, Mariposa, passed away several years ago, and it was earth-shattering to me. She lived nearby, and I'd only seen her a few weeks before her death. That was the final straw to me. I couldn't keep coming back here. Part of me still wants to engage, and here I am venting on TDS, on the day I hear again about another old bler passing.

I came really close to not making it myself over the last few years. I almost ruined my life again with substances, and have been now over a year sober. I'm in a good place now, on the right combination of antidepressants and suboxone maintenance. I'm stable. In a way, I guess I don't need Bluelight anymore for its intended purpose. I'd come here for the community still, if I could, but even a lot of my friends here have moved on too. It's just so hard watching people hurt themselves over and over that I care about.

I'm not sure what my original intent was with writing this. I guess it's more of a blog entry. Maybe I'm looking for others who share similar feelings, or at least have some insight. Maybe I'm also reaching out to people and letting them know that after years of substance abuse that people can still change, that troubled Bluelighters can come out the other end stronger and better than before. Probably a combination of all that. I just needed to write it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. You are appreciated.

I was very happy to read your message! Thank you for coming and writing how you feel! I want to be friends with you.

 

[Skorpio]

Thank you, friend, for writing all of this.

I am very close with "ebola?" IRL, he has had many fond things to say about you and told me about your story. I really appreciate the support.

Nice, ebola? literally was an extremely formative influence on my music taste maybe 7 years ago. Got me into electronic music, and I now dj for fun and friends and such. If it's not too much of a burden pass them thanks from a random Internet drug fiend.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Nice, ebola? literally was an extremely formative influence on my music taste maybe 7 years ago. Got me into electronic music, and I now dj for fun and friends and such. If it's not too much of a burden pass them thanks from a random Internet drug fiend.

He's a friend of mine too, I will pass it on now

There is also a ton of drama which I now refuse to take seriously.

Oh 100%. There is drama everywhere in life, if you seek it out. I do the opposite, I completely ignore and shun drama, life is so much better that way

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

It does depend on who is posting and who you talk with IMO (especially privately).

And how much you care about what people on this site say and think.

There is also a ton of drama which I now refuse to take seriously.

Probably a good call, its not really worth the bother.

Until very recently I made assumptions that bluelight would never allow some things to happen but I wascwrong, its obvious no one really gives a shit about anything except just getting on the drugs and keeping up appearances,

Tlb would not give a shit anywY

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

Id rather spend time engaging with people who have spent time making some kind of rapport amongst themselves whether they like each other or not.


Cant see much benefit engaging with you about things you have indicated you're not interested in, probably no benefit to you either
.
Still .. it is sad that serious things happen sometimes and it's not seen as anything but drama, easy to understand why as specific things are never going to be admitted to, easier to discredit people who now don't expect any better , like me