developing a dependance...

[Fornax55]

hey, long time no post BL.

so lately i've come to realize that i'm sort of building up some sort of drug dependance.

i rarely leave my home without substances, as i'm so much better at socializing, communicating, being myself, etc, on drugs, as has always been the case.

this raises the question of whether things were always like that... the answer is pretty much yes, drugs always emphasized my personality and confidence... it's just now that i've come to feel insignificant in social situations when compared to myself on drugs.

that being said, i've a slew of legitimate reasons for using drugs. the main part, lately, being that lately i've found inspiration for my music through drugs (which many artists have) i like to make beats and tunes on my computer - but the only real 'songs' that i can be proud of i've made while under the influence of meth of heroin.

this leads me to feel as if i have actual reason to do such drugs (aside from the fact that they make me more productive at work & home, socially, and cure a host of other problems)

my question is basically wtf do i do?? i'm sure you can't give me any advice that hasn't been given already, but while things feel great right now (even if , while i'm sober, i feel like i'm missing something, i remember that when i have drugs i CAN make music, i CAN write rhymes, i CAN fuck for hours on end.

i'm sure this won't lead anywhere good though - does not the road come to an untimely end in which, even while i am on drugs, i won't be able to rhyme, make music, or fuck without blowing a load in a few seconds?

end rant. hopefully someone reads this and gives me some food for thought.

 

[PhrostByte]

You can detox and try to live life without mind altering drugs.. that is.. if you really can't regulate your use to strictly recreational instances, as opposed to constant self-medicating.

I now know (to the extend that anyone can truly "know" something about themselves) that I can't use heroin sporadically.. it quickly becomes an everyday habit for me.

 

[Fornax55]

well that was of course the first thing to go through my head but why would i want to live a life in which unbridled creativity is just a mere toke away?

 

[PhrostByte]

Because it's not real. You're flooding your brain with fake pleasure that makes real pleasure seem trite and pale in comparison. Once you get back to baseline you'll see that you were actually wasting your life and you can be just as creative with natural stimulation.

 

[deadprez219]

if you're worried about your sexual endurance you should know that over time meth causes serious impotence problems. i never got too big into uppers but every guy i know that has used meth longterm has ended up on viagra cuz the crystal turned there poolstick into a rope

 

[Lolie]

While I know there's a sort of romanticism about the idea of drugs as some kind of on demand muse, I'm not sure that it stands up to objective scrutiny or that the drug inspired mind produces anything that the sober mind cannot.

People like with bipolar disorder like myself battle with a similar kind of romanticisim about our mania. We feel so creative and inspired when we're manic and our perceptions seem so unique and profound - so deep and so meaningful and resonant with the Universe. And god knows we are prolific when manic. Looked at objectively though, the products of mania are not qualitatively better - in fact they're often of a lesser quality because they're so damned dense and complex...and repetitive - but unleashing our "creativity" gives us an excuse for not controlling our mania. The truth is that we just like the feeling of being manic - at least up until the point where it turns into overwhelming despair.

Mania is not our muse but instead an unforgiving mistress - a force of destruction just as often as of creation, of desperation as often as of inspiration. And I think that drugs are like mania for many people with a creative bent - they make the creative process itself seem more vibrant and magical and it's that rather than the end product with which people become enraptured.

 

[Fornax55]

not gonna lie, one of the reasons i started doing drugs was because my poolstick was a rope LOL.

and as for the creativity being fake - it's not. creativity for me, at least, comes with confidence, which is lacking for the most part.

my sober side will take a look at the things i've written or produced while inebriated and marvel - not that i can't write or make music while i'm sober but the stuff i create with the aid of intoxicants is incomparable.

 

[Fornax55]

While I know there's a sort of romanticism about the idea of drugs as some kind of on demand muse, I'm not sure that it stands up to objective scrutiny or that the drug inspired mind produces anything that the sober mind cannot.

People like with bipolar disorder like myself battle with a similar kind of romanticisim about our mania. We feel so creative and inspired when we're manic and our perceptions seem so unique and profound - so deep and so meaningful and resonant with the Universe. And god knows we are prolific when manic. Looked at objectively though, the products of mania are not qualitatively better - in fact they're often of a lesser quality because they're so damned dense and complex...and repetitive - but unleashing our "creativity" gives us an excuse for not controlling our mania. The truth is that we just like the feeling of being manic - at least up until the point where it turns into overwhelming despair.

Mania is not our muse but instead an unforgiving mistress - a force of destruction just as often as of creation, of desperation as often as of inspiration. And I think that drugs are like mania for many people with a creative bent - they make the creative process itself seem more vibrant and magical and it's that rather than the end product with which people become enraptured.

your words could very well save my life.

 

[Lolie]

your words could very well save my life.

They're just another perspective, nothing more and nothing less.

And as someone who's had a number of sexual partners who are chronic drug users let me tell you that there's such a thing as lasting too long.

 

[†∆†]

i've found inspiration for my music through drugs (which many artists have) i like to make beats and tunes on my computer - but the only real 'songs' that i can be proud of i've made while under the influence of meth of heroin.

that's interesting, in my limited experiences with meth and opiates (never heroin, though) i have not been artistically inclined at all, probably even less so than i am normally, when i hear about using drugs for artistic purposes i normally think hallucinogens...

maybe the reason you're taking these drugs isn't ONLY for your art

 

[Fornax55]

no, i'm not just using drugs for my art, and i can acknowledge that... if i were, i wouldn't need them recreationally.

this is where i see the problem forming - rationalizing drug use in everyday situations, using creativity as a scapegoat excuse to use them.

that being said, even if i were to stop using recreationally i'd still seek out to use drugs for creative confidence... =/

 

[Divine Moments]

Because it's not real. You're flooding your brain with fake pleasure that makes real pleasure seem trite and pale in comparison. Once you get back to baseline you'll see that you were actually wasting your life and you can be just as creative with natural stimulation.

I don't believe there is any distinction between "real" and "fake" pleasure or creativity. I understand that you're saying it's not natural, but I don't think that makes it any less real

 

[PhrostByte]

I'd say that in existential terms, it's less real... since it's artificially produced. But hey, to each their own.

 

[unsettled]

artists have used drugs for inspiration since the beginning of time, look at the lists of great artists, there is a very large percentage of legendary artists that used drugs for inspiration. there is also a large number of artists who died from their addictions, most of my favorite artists were drug addicts at one point or another.

drugs can definitely give you an edge creatively but if you don't have the talent in the first place drugs aren't going to give it to you. drugs can be used as a tool to enhance creativity, they shouldn't be the only tool though and you have to have some discipline if you ever want to reach great heights as an artists. I think artists in general are more predisposed to developing addictions because the kind of personality it takes to create great works of art is usually the kind that needs to have a variety of experiences and is more open to trying things that aren't approved of by the majority.

it's all about what you want, if you see that you're going to be dependent if you keep using you have to decide if you want to do what it takes to stop. maybe you want to experience dependency, it's a valid useful experience in and of itself although it isn't very fun, people don't usually get addicted on purpose.

figure out what your priorities are and what your dreams and goals are and make it happen.

I loved the effect H had on my music at first but I eventually quit H because it was taking me away from music, I had to spend too much time scoring and music is too important to me. you just got to find your path and walk it with conviction, fucked up or sober. life is a blank canvas, when you're really living your dreams everyday it enhances your life in every way you can imagine. It's a tightrope though, not easy.

Anyway, my opinion is you just need to figure out what you really want to do and DO IT!

 

[TriggerHappy]

^ what he said.

trust me, if you cross over to addiction with H especially, things will get overwhelming to the point where you'll be distracted from music or not have the desire anymore. it took a long time, but it happened to me in the end. think about it-- when euphoric you do what you love, and of course you're more productive.

i told myself that i wanted to be a productive, employed artist more than anything in the world. so if taking drugs was a catalyst, then i would keep taking drugs to the point of wrecking myself. well, i achieved some success and it wasn't enough for me. and then i realized that if i didn't quit i would blow everything i worked hard for. literally, the day i realized that i was an addict and i needed to quit, was the day i realized that i was losing the desire to make art. i had to force myself, and that wasn't me. i lost myself.

like that dude said, sometimes heavy addiction is an experience that produces great art. if one is able to overcome it, even for brief periods, you realize things that normal people don't. great sadness and despair, lol... but also great empathy for human struggle and i've personally become more spiritual during the struggle. my favorite artists are also the druggy ones, but most of the prolific ones are able to beat their demons. research it, many of the heroin junkies were only able to produce in reflection-- after they dried out, not during. depends on what type of art, of course. of the artists that died young, many wasted away with their best work created during their early days. very sad.

another thing... if you are truly having trouble creating without drugs, you may want to look into this. i was able to create for so much longer on amphetamines. recently i was diagnosed with ADD, and that has helped me understand my productivity induced drug taking so much more. i just never knew what inattentive ADD was, and now i understand.

 

[datSTIMfreak]

I get what you mean man, back in early high school I had pretty bad social anxiety, I was really awkward, hated socializing, etc. Drugs helped me so much with that. On opiates, or amphetamines (especially) I would talk my ass off all day and flirt and do shit I would've never done. I used drugs throughout high school, yes, but I got out of my social anxiety in sophomore year from finally just figuring out that you need not give a fuck what people think about you. I figured that out and I was diagnosed, Social Anxiety, had SSRI's (never took 'em) and it took me 10 seconds to figure that out when I finally thought about social anxiety, I never thought about getting out of it beforehand, I always just accepted it as something that I couldn't get out of. It is easy to get out of, even for a person diagnosed w/ Social Anxiety Disorder.

 

[SubDude]

I sometimes write down thoughts and ideas while high. At the time most of them seem unique, inspirational, and downright PROFOUND! However, when I read over them the next day I usually say to myself WTF???

 

[izzy66]

People with bipolar disorder like myself battle with a similar kind of romanticisim about our mania. We feel so creative and inspired when we're manic and our perceptions seem so unique and profound - so deep and so meaningful and resonant with the Universe. And god knows we are prolific when manic. Looked at objectively though, the products of mania are not qualitatively better - in fact they're often of a lesser quality because they're so damned dense and complex...and repetitive - but unleashing our "creativity" gives us an excuse for not controlling our mania. The truth is that we just like the feeling of being manic - at least up until the point where it turns into overwhelming despair.

Mania is not our muse but instead an unforgiving mistress - a force of destruction just as often as of creation, of desperation as often as of inspiration. And I think that drugs are like mania for many people with a creative bent - they make the creative process itself seem more vibrant and magical and it's that rather than the end product with which people become enraptured.

^qft
very well said and spot on.
-izzy