TDS Depression - MXE as antidepressant, self medication out of control

[frazerinc]

Sorry in the first place if this is the wrong place to post this and the title is misleading, don't really know how to title this :/

Dear bluelight users,

first I want to introduce myself and tell you my story and how i got into this situation.
My name is David, I am 21 years old and I'm currently learning being an pharmaceutical-technical assistant.
I'm suffering from heavy depression and suicidal thoughts since many many years, If I recall correctly, I already thought about suicide in grade school.

I started off smoking weed at the age of 16 or 17 just for fun with my friends. I kinda was the first one, excluding my best friend at that time who already tried it because of his older brother, who started to get into big trouble because of it(today he doesnt smoke anymore and got everything in his life sorted out). This friend stopped smoking many years ago as he just gets sick everytime he tries it and feels the urge to vomit.
So eventhough I am disgusted by most of the dealers, their way of living and the whole scene in some way. I always asked my friends to get me my stuff in the way of "are you going to get something today? - yeah get some for me too please". So I avoided the contact to dealers as much as possible.
My whole circle of friends smokes weed and we normally chill together and enjoy ourselves, the dealers i got to know were mostly nice guys and i started to become friends with them instead of just buying from them.
Things turned because i got to know that my neighbour sells weed (his parents and mine dont get along and its a kind of war between neighbours). But he is quite a nice guy and offers quality weed for real good prices, so everyone started to ask me to go get weed for them, which always induced moral troubles in myself.
As of today weed is completely integrated into my life, a "hippy"like evolution of my thought processes followed. I always wish for peace, compassion and love in the people around me and I lost my interest in the superficial society.

When I turned 18 and started clubbing, I first discovered Amphetamine together with a friend. We bought a gram in a club and were out of our minds, it was such fun and we were dancing all night. So I started researching in my free time and was totally amazed by what was possible to do with the human body and how chemicals influence ourselves.
Later this year I went to Amsterdam with my friends to celebrate the 18th of a friend. There I got offered a gram of MDMA, I didnt even know what it was as I only wanted to buy and try some LSD. They didnt have any and I bought the MDMA.
Not knowing what this substance was, I was scared first and didnt want to take it, the next day I just emptied the bag into my hand and swallowed everything that didnt miss my mouth. I had the time of my life, eventhough i cant remember everything from that ~12 hours where I was totally out of my mind and flooded with Serotonin. When I got back home I read up everything about MDMA and was amazed, eventhough I knew I could have killed myself because of dehydration and what not.
I think that was the moment where my interest into drugs was fully awaken. A whole lot of my free time I was reading about pharmacodynamics/kinetics of every drug/chemical known to man.
Until today I tried many different things like LSD, psilocybin, different tryptamines and amphetamines, GBL, DXM and my current favorite MXE, which might be the cause of some of my problems.
Thanks for reading so far, now I will try writing down my current situation.

I realized that I suffer from depressions in the last year or so, when I had my first mental breakdown. Around that time I discovered DXM and I began retreating more and more into myself, I never totally holed myself on DXM as I was too scared and only experienced first and second plateau, but because I started loving a girl I could lay down the DXM and did only take it like 2 times after that. I never thought that dissociatives would be so attracting to me(i.e. I hate alcohol).
But the depression "went away", or atleast was only there subconscious and I started to live my life again.
Then while still studying drugs in my free time I discovered RC's and thought wow, "legal" drugs, amazing... I tried some stimulants like penthedrone and mdpv, but they werent great, so I shrugged off the idea of having a easy obtainable, legal stash of drugs. Another reason that hold me off was that my bank account was unable to transfer money outside of my country.
In November 2012 everything changed, I heard off a vendor where I could pay and instantly ordered some different chems, one of them was MXE.
When I got the package 2 days later I was so unbelievable happy and tried it the same day.
I knew that it was similiar to DXM and actually is just a PCP/K analogue. Before I had taken DXM I was scared by dissociatives and thought they are the drug of the devil.
From the first day on I was hooked, took it daylie, first only low dose around 20mgs nasally for a slight high. I wanted to check out the m-hole, so I informed myself about different ROA then insufflation, which I never had a problem with, but wasnt the most pleasant way to ingest the bigger getting bumps, cause of my increasing tolerance.
The day I bought my first syringe was the moment where everything escalated I thinnk.
Eventhough it was really unpleasant sticking that huge 5ml syringe up my ass I continued.
I searched for something to make it easier and found a small glass tube from my vaporizer, it fitted perfectly onto the syringe and made everything so easy and more pleasant.
Up until now that's my ROA and my doses range from 50mg as a antidepressant, to 100mg+ for a real high up to holing.
I really love MXE, I think it has great potential, but it I can't continue like this, at the moment I just wanna finish my education, but I still have one and a half years to go.

I just needed to write all this stuff down and share it, as I have seen you guys help eachother here as a long time lurker.

I hope the text is understandable and my english doesn't suck that much.
Any questions, advices etc are very much appreciated.
Thanks for reading.

 

[Hazyasusual]

I hope all is well man, best of luck with your studies.

 

[ugly]

I will say that you've got some balls on ya.

Sorry if that's not appropriate but I won't ever use a needle. I have often wondered how people do it. Reading your post, I can understand the switch to i.v. roa, but still won't ever be able to stand a needle.

If I understand you correctly, you are treating your depression yourself with an illegal amphetamine.

You are not the only person doing that very thing.

I know of several others.

No one is judging you here.

 

[25I_am_so_wonderfu]

I think its a very bad idea to be trying to "treat your depression" with research chemicals. No one knows the long term effects especially with MXE. People say it's very addicting and some have a hard time not thinking about using it even after a long period of abstinence. Other describe an acute rebound depression about stopping their habit with MXE. Others blatantly jump through hoops trying to rationalize their dangerous relationship with this chemical and their skewed decision-making process as a result of its effects. Some say it has "antidepressant" effects but I think that has more to do with being high than the chemical itself, if not shills just trying to make it sound more appealing and legitimate than just some weird RC drug. Some talk about using it in small amounts at work "as a stimulant" but I can tell you, going to work intoxicated is NEVER EVER a good idea. Again, either a shill or someone in deep denial about the depths of their addiction talking.

I used to be very depressed and tried experimenting with some RCs as an attempt to self-medicate. I'm in a much better place now. I've grown up and gained some life experience. There are ways that these drugs may have aided me but what helped most was learning that these chemicals will never cure my depression and will only make it worse. Happiness comes from within. The saying "It gets better" is true because age, experience and wisdom will help you out of your depression. At some point your mind will stop being pre-occupied with thoughts of self-loathing and need for drugs and escapism and you will grow comfortable in your own skin. If you just don't see this happening by yourself, there are counselors to talk to. Your school especially will have resources for those suffering from depression. A combination of therapy and prescribed medication may be what you need. Things like physical exercise, yoga, tea and coffee can also do wonders.

TLDR Don't treat your depression with research chemicals

 

[Standup]

the good thing is that you can see your drug use has gone from life changing to destructive because alot of people ignore the way that drugs can change them from continued high useage. The next step is learning to plan and control your use. Its not easy, but it gets easier, and after holding off youll enjoy it that much more. You should make sure your use of any substance comes behind socialising and your professional life. Next you wanna set somewhat of a benchmark for how often is best to use. Bluelight and various other forums are really great to learn from others experiences. Failing that, to start with it can be good to completely remove any chance of being able to get any until you can feel control coming back. Delete contacts, tell your friends your having a break etc etc. Weed can be a good thing to fall back onto and help take a break and think things over, but again make sure its second to uni and not getting you in troube

Good luck. Remember if you get things under control now youll have many many amazing experiences to come in the future

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Congratulations on still being alive.

As long as you know what your problems are, you can work on them, and before you know it things will be looking up.

 

[Vaya]

You must rid yourself of the notion that MXE can be used by someone in your situation to treat depression. Doing so myself almost killed me.

Please read this post of mine from the thread entitled [Methoxetamine Subthread] Addiction.

I have received such overwhelming feedback from that post that I am convinced I did the right thing in bearing my then-tattered soul about it. I am glad that it helped so many people. I pray that it might help you, too

~ Vaya

 

[phatass]

is it possible that in the same way that people who are hyperactive take amps to balance them out, people who are in some form or another dissociated from reality find that a dissociative at low doses balances them out. I have a friend who took ow dose MXE who suffers from a dissociative disorder, and said it made his thinking process more clear and rational. Also there have been studies that seem to say that ketamine has A-D properties, so maybe so would it's analogues.

I do not condone or advocate taking MXE or K as a medication, but just wondering if what you describe (OP) could be explained by this.