depression, anger, frustration, and MIGRAINES

[captainballs]

My depression, which I've lived with for too long, has reached the point of mania and I am exhausted. I don't like to do anything at all anymore and I hate every aspect of my life (except for posting on bluelight).

Just to go to work I have to fake my whole personality in order to even look like someone who isn't thinking about suicide constantly. And I'm getting worse at it. People tip toe around me, make sure to limit any conversation around me at all, and generally look at me like someone who is an object of pity and frustration just because I can't be "normal."

People try to reach out to me all the time, but I don't think they understand how the depression that causes the frustration that causes migraines, skaking hands, insomnia, lack of focus has turned me into a very hateful person.

What used to be social anxiety is now just pre-emptive disgust for the notion that anyone is going to force me to have a conversation with them at all. It is making my thought patterns muddled and sometimes I can't remember basic things or even function in an organized fashion. This is almost 24 hrs per day. I don't know what to do. All I think about is when I'm going to "do it" and lately I've even been thinking about notes to leave which will hurt loved ones and gf the worst, just because I want them to hurt. I don't know what happened to me, but I feel like a dog who is just being beaten over and over again day and night until he's just all fucked up and no longer a good dog. I'm just docile now because I expect to feel abused. Abused as a kid, abused as a teen, now my mind is turning on me to fill the missing void of abuse it looks like. I'm constantly having a nervous breakdown, and at this point I don't believe it gets better because I've had it for too long and I seriously see myself regretting it later if I don't just end it now. What should I do to at least make my life less immediately painful before I punch out?

 

[theotherside]

Not sure what can turn your particular depression around.......I have answered in several of your depression/suicide threads, and we were worried when you didn't post for awhile. I know that life can be hard, and peoples' lives are all different, but don't you think that if in fact there is no after life, that at least here you can take the time to look at a tree, watch the tree with all of your attention on this living organism that seemingly has no thoughts, no worries, and how it(depending on what kind of tree it is) can outlive humans. Simple things in life keep me from going down the path of dark thoughts.........best of luck to you, and focus your attention elsewhere. Get outside of your own brain for awhile, it could do you some good.

 

[bben]

get some good medications dude, no reason not to try at this point and i hate most meds.

-Get a stimulant
-get benzos
-get ssri
-whatever floats your boat

just go to a psych

 

[AgentSquish]

Suicidal thoughts are a motherfucker. I know from personal experience. Kinda like, man, if a bus just came out and hit me right now, I'd be good. But trust me, don't do it. Period.

 

[undertoker]

From personal experience I felt the same way you're feeling right now. This was a couple weeks back but what I did to prevent myself from doing something stupid was this. I watched a bunch of movies about life in another country where its paradise all year long.

So I made it final, I decided that in 3 months I am going to leave my life behind for a while and go to indonesia, thailand, india for a while to see how my life would be somewhere else.

Right now I'm the happiest person ever, I go into work and school with the biggest smile on my face knowing that in a couple months I will be on my own exploring the world leaving my hometown behind. Now this may be kinda of extreme but I had extreme suicidal thoughts. I had everything planned out and was about to purchase pills so I could get it over it. I think you should try focusing on how you can make your future better so you can prevent these thoughts from happening, there is so much that the world has to offer that many people never get to see it in their lifetimes.