depressed... my family is falling apart

[mrs_mia_wallace]

My family has some major issues that I've talked on bluelight about a lot, but this week shit has hit the fan and I feel totally devastated by what's going on.

My dad has always been a drinker-- he's half Irish half English and his whole family drinks constantly, so I've always attributed it to his heritage/upbringing. But he gets mean when he's drunk and its a constant source of anger between him and my mom. Four months ago she told him that if he didn't stop drinking she was going to leave him. I think I've always known somewhere deep inside that my dad is an alcoholc, and I've just never wanted to admit it. I'm an addict and an alcoholic, but for the reason the idea of my father being an alcoholic makes me feel really scared and hopeless.

He agreed to stop drinking but he won't go to AA because he doesn't believe he's an alcoholic, he just wants my mother to shut up and he's willing to admit that he's an asshole when he's drinking (which is every single day)... and even if he did admit he was an alcoholic, the whole AA idea of addiction being a disease is something he completely disagrees with. So the result has been him white-knuckling it and hes been MORE of an asshole since he stopped. He's constantly in a horrible mood and gets angry at anything and everything. He sulks around the house and he's just generally pretty fucking miserable to be around.

My older brother (almost ten years older than me) has been a heroin addict for a LONG time and he's pretty much been out of my life the last 13 years. My parents have basically paid for all his shit (he lives in Oregon) to not have to deal with him. He overdosed on heroin on Saturday night and survived but is in the hospital in Oregon. My parents have pretty much cut him off financially and emmotional in the last four or so years, and my mom really wanted to go visit him but my dad didn't want to. They got into a big fight about it and my mom packed her bags last night and moved into a hotel.

I'm honestly just pissed at my brother over this. He constantly makes my parents angry at each other and brings so much tension into the house. He's never had a real job before and hes's been a junkie for almost twenty years with no real attempts at sobriety. And he's been a complete asshole for most of my life. He is super manipulative and constantly tries to create conflict between me and my parents and is super judgmental and sarcastic to me. I honestly can't stand him and now I hate him because I feel like this OD was the last straw between my parents.

I'm not living at home so I didn't know how bad things have gotten between them... my parents have never been happy but they've been able to make it work. Somewhere in the past they were madly in love but I haven't seen that in them since I was a child. We had this huge trip planned to go to Colorado and then France to see my moms family, but she said she didn't want my father or me to come with her. She's flyng out to Oregon on Wednesday and then flying to Paris.

Right now I honestly don't even know if she's going to come back. I can't believe she's leaving the fucking country-- she's left before and gone to a hotel for a few days or something, but she's never left the country after an argument. I had lunch with her and talked to her for a couple hours... She told me that she's just sick and tired of dealing with my father-- tired of the drinking and now refusal to get help with being sober, tired of his "cruel and heartless punishment" that he's given me and my brother for addiction/eating disorder, how un-romantic he's become, and tired of his anger, sarcasm, and judgmental attitude. She said that she's been stuck in a loveless marriage for a long time and she can't stand being in the house with my father anymore. I asked her when she 's coming back from Paris and she told me that she wasn't sure, she just wants to spend some alone time with her family. I talked to my dad on the phone for a litle bit but he just yelled at me and said he was happy to get rid of my mom because he's tired of her "whining and superficial attitude, constant nagging, and just generally being annoying as hell." He says that he doesn't want her to come back to the house "ever again."

I was so excited for this trip because I haven't been invited on a family vacation in two years. I've never seen my parents in a fight like this before and part of me is worried that my mom is going to run off to Paris and never come back. I know that they're not happy together but they're my parents and I don't want to them to split up. My mom hasn't had a real job in many years and the woman doesn't exactly modest lifestyle and I honestly thought that she would never leave him in fear of that... and my father is so obsessed with the idea of having the image of the perfect family I never thought he would give that up.

This is a long ass post... sorry guys. Basically I feel like my family is falling apart and I feel like part of it is my fault. i've put so much strain on my parens relationship and scared them half o death with my ED/addiction/self harming that I feel like I've ruined their relationship in many ways. I don't want to lose my mom; since I got sober she's become my best friend and I don't understand why she doens't want me to come to Paris with her. I've been crying all evening and I was so upset and depressed that I ended up going over to my dealers house and relapsing. I've been shooting up all afternoon/evening even though I told myself I wasn't going to and made it almost a week. I can't deal with any of this without the help of drugs, its pathetic. I just want my mom to stay and to go back to our house and for my parents to somehow fall in love again. I've always taken them being together for granted and now I would give anything in the world for them to be.

 

[bagochina]

This time of year is always tense. Stay strong mia. I hate to tell anybody what they should do but since I assume you already know, put the needle down. That is not going to help anything. How are you going to go on your vacation when your on h. Are you strung out yet? Or just chipping?

Maybe your dad is trying to stay off the booze in a show of solidarity with you cleaning up? Try to do your best to stay clean Mia, its totally worth it.

peace.
seedless

 

[theartofwar]

going to opiates for help left me even emptier the next day - i know that's a tough thing to say - and i really feel for you fuckin tough spot man. But bago is spot on imo , there is no relief that lasts longer than your dose / tolerance and then reality is even "realer" and harder when you have temptation back. Try your best to abstain from using todays relapse to start tomorrows again though, best goes out to you that's fuckin a tough few man.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

thanks for the support guys

I know I need to stop. I confessed to my boyfriend that I had relapsed and lied to him about using for a week last Wednesday and he was really upset. He is a recovering heroin addict too and he told me if I want to go back to living that way he can't be with me. I don't want to become the junkie that I was before I went to rehab and I really don't want to lose him because I am madly in love with him. He has been really supportive but I feel like I need to get some professional help. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so I'm going to admit to her about me relapsing and talk about my family... maybe I need to check into an outpatient program for a few week or so, I don't know. Its just so damn hard to walk away from heroin. I feel like it owns my soul.

 

[eon_blue]

I have a similar story to yours. My parents were married for 24 years and split up about a year and a half ago. They still haven't finalized the divorce but it'll probably happen any day now, they're attitude towards one another just keeps getting worse and worse, not any better.

Anyway, my dad is/was an alcoholic too. Worked hard all day and would come home at night, camp out in front of the TV and drink until he went to sleep. Next day, same thing. Next day, same thing. My mom felt completely neglected, which she was able to look past I guess when my siblings and I were little because she had us to look after. Fast forward 20 years and we're all adults, and my mom got terrified of what the rest of her life was going to look like with my dad who wasn't paying any attention to her and basically began to treat her like she was nothing more than a nuisance.

So, I come home one day from school (I live on my own about an hour from where my parent's place was) and my dad tells me to meet him at the local restaurant/pub for a drink. He "had to tell me something important" and sounded really disturbed about whatever it was. So, I meet him at the bar and we both order drinks. About 10 minutes later he tells me that he was looking through my mom's email and found out she's been having an affair with our next door neighbor I didn't know what to say. Around this time I had started dabbling with dope again and looking back I can safely say it had a lot to do with the coming shitstorm I saw happening in our family. My sister is an addict and also has borderline personality disorder (need I say more?) and the hell our family has endured on behalf of her and her bullshit I could not even begin to describe to you. My parents of course blamed one another and as a result she never got the help she needed early enough. To this day, she's still in and out of rehabs all over and is wasting a devastating amount of my parent's income on her inability to handle her own life. That's another thread entirely, but just wanted to tell you that I can relate to your feelings toward your brother because I feel the same way toward my sister.

Anyway, long story short my dad called out my mom on her affair and all hell broke lose. Dad ended up in jail for a night for getting physically abusive with my mom and to this day he doesn't remember doing it (was blacked out presumably). He left the house and came to stay with me in my place and we lived together for a little over a year, I got clean again and he quit drinking so heavily. All in all, we're doing better as individuals but the family I knew growing up is gone and I still haven't really come to terms with it. This time of year in particular is hard because traditionally it's all about family. In my case, my parents hate eachother and won't be around one another and my sister is in rehab in a city that I can't remember because she's been to so many different ones in the last year alone.

But at least I'm not using anymore, although I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been really tempted to lately. Again, it's always this time of year that does it to me. I've tried using dope to feel better and to cope with everything that's going on but believe me I've learned that it doesn't do you any good. Getting clean again amidst all that was happening was a living nightmare, but in the end I'm glad I did it. Much easier to keep my head level and my mood more stable.

You can't control anyone's actions other than your own, so the best thing to do is to try and be there for both your parents but do not (I repeat do not) let them try and use you as a weapon against each other. I was shocked at how much my parents resembled a couple of three year olds throughout the whole ordeal. I'm happy that at least my siblings and I are old enough to understand that we aren't at fault (and there's no custody battle being that we're adults), but having to deal with your family falling apart when you're in your 20's is hard on an entirely different level.

Sorry for the super long reply but just wanted to give you someone to relate to There is always hope, even if your parents decide that its better to separate. Focus on your own life and how you can make things better for yourself, don't carry the weight of your family's problems on your shoulders. It will bring you down, trust me. We are adults now ourselves and I came to realize that letting my family situation get to me was just hindering my ability to move forward and start living a life of my own. I long for the day that I'm financially independant of them so that I stand a better chance at being able to have better healthy boundaries.

Anyway, hang in there Mia. Don't forget to talk about it even if its just posts on a forum because it really is therapeutic to get it all out.

 

[paranoid android]

My parents constanly fight, my dad is a judgemental, ignorant asshole who pisses off me, my mom and my bro on a near daily basis and my mom is looking into a divorce. Unfortunatly i am stuck in this house since i came home last spring and right now i can't leave cause im flat broke. Neither one of my parents are addicts (though my mom was addicted to xanax years ago) but they sure as hell fight alot. So i generally deal with this by staying as high as possible really usually on opiates so thats not exactly the best coping mechanism to say the least. This christmas is gonna suck to say the least

So i kinda understand what your going through Mia. My mom takes off sometimes too because she gets so pissed off at being here and shes been gone for a week at a time.

Good luck mia and i hope it works out somehow.

 

[Silenced]

I understand what you're going through, Mia. Just stay strong and don't let resort to drugs. Let your boyfriend be your comfort... and if you're craving, PLEASE go to him.

My mom is so unhappy in my parents marriage right now. When I was younger, my dad was a cokey (lol, sorry I just like the word). We went a long time not knowing. I guess putting pens in your mouth and going numb should have been a sign. He spent pretty much ALL of the money we had and sold everything he could. Well, things got very physically violent between them. I'd wake up everyday to them fighting and I'd go run in between just so I wouldn't have to deal with them hurting each other. I honestly don't remember how long this went on... I just remember spending so much time in between them. He eventually moved out and then I got caught in the middle. He would promise to buy me things and my mom would tell me not to go with him after school and such. I just wanted to be the peacekeeper... I just wanted my family back. My mom went and got a restraining order and was going to file for divource but somehow he ended up getting clean and moving back in. Things went back and forth for awhile. And then came the benzos and whatever else... my freshman year I spent my time so worried about getting into a car accident with him because he was in and out of lanes. I actually did get into two car accidents with him including one on the highway at about 70mph. He has OD'd a couple of times, once giving him a very small chance of living. He gets VERY angry on drugs. This causes a lot of problems... and he was physically violent to anyone who got in his way. Things seemed to get better for awhile and then came the opiates. He's like always nodding. I couldn't deal with the way he is all the time. I know I contribute to the problem and I know it bothers my mother. My mom told me the other day that she seriously wants out. They're always fighting. My dad will call me and complain about her, and then I talk to my mom and she complains about him and it's just been getting worse. I wanted the perfect family.. and perhaps I once had it, but now it's just done. I know the feeling of falling apart... and it seems to be a repeat cycle for my family. Sorry for my wall of text... I wasn't really planning on typing this much.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

thanks for the response

I saw my therapist today and told her what happened. She wants me to try going to an NA meeting and talk to my psychiatrist about putting me on suboxone or just buprenorphine, an opiate blocker and maybe something that will help with my cravings. Someone told me topamax is good for cravings... I don't know. But she knows I don't like AA so we're trying to think of other alternatives. I'm supposed to check in with her for the next few days and we scheduled a extra session on the weekend. She's really cool, I like her a lot. I don't feel judged or like she's pushing me to do something... its so different from the other therapy I've had.

My dad came over today to fill up my car and he was drunk... I mean I could smell the alcohol on his breath and he was stumbling and fumbling his words. I told him he was too drunk to drive and he just yelled at me that he wasn't drunk and a "fucking junkie tweaker" wasn't going to judge him. I love my dad but he's a real asshole sometimes and I just want to punch him... but I told him if he drove I would call the cops and he'd get a DUI (bluffing..) and he let me drive him home.
He keeps saying how happy he is that my mom is gone but I think he's actually really depressed. He hasn't gone into work the last two days and he NEVER does that.

My mom is still flying out to Oregon but I swear she's going to get there and my brothers going to have already checked out and be shooting up again and its going to kill her.... I hate that motherfucker so much.

 

[bagochina]

I dont know about Topamax doing anything for cravings, I've never heard that. Most times a psych doc would just sa oh your depressed. Here is such and such pill, it will help. It never does in my opinion. Does your doctor have you on any meds already? As for Suboxone/buprenorphine I guess you could call it an opiate blocker but I kinda think of it as an opiate alternative. A blocker would be some form of naltrexone/Revia, a oral pill that blocks you from using opiates on top of it with out giving you any 'real' opiate relieve. I would hesitate from getting right on Suboxone but hey your using its more helpful than dope.

What happened with your brothers od? Complications or just overnight? You are right that he might be gone before your mom gets out there.

Anyways take care.

peace.
seedless

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Yeah I was right. She got there in the afternoon and he was gone. He left AMA. I don't understand but there were some "heart complications" (that's all he would say) and they were running tests but he got tired of taking suboxone or subutext or whatever they were using and wanted to use heroin so he checked out. He claimed it was because they weren't letting him smoke and the food was bad but hey he's an addict, not hard to figure out why he left.

My mom was super upset and called me crying. She said he was high when she got there and he didn't even bother to try and clean his shit up, she said she found needles and spoons and baggies everywhere. And to top it off he asked her for $5,000 because he is having "financal problems" and can't find a job. Honestly dout he even could fill out a job application.

My mother to her credit said no, and I guess he got super angry and started throwing shit all over the room, saying that they love me more and I'm worse than he is and why do they want to help me and not him etc. When she called me she was at the airport and I really thought that if she and my dad could agree over what to do with my brother she could just fly home and things would be back to the way they were. But she told me doesn't want to go back to the house and she changed her flght to fly out to Paris today. She still doesn't know when she's coming back.

I feel like my parents are acting like teenagers. Running off to another continent because she can't deal with things. Getting drunk and driving around. And the shit they say about each other... I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and I'm tired of it. Neither one of them has even bothered to say "I know this is really hard for you, I'm sorry." All they can do it tell me how much they hate the other and how they never want to see them again. And neither on of them seems to have any idea how they're behavior is hurting me-- having to deal with my dad coming to my sober living drunk, my mom who's also my best friend running to France. My mother is the one I'm the most upset with. I just don't understand why she's abandoning me while I need her the most.

I made it yesterday without even a drink... but not today. After talking to my mom I went and got high and spent the yest of the evening doing it. I just feel lost and ant so much for them to stay together, and I have this sinking feeling that that's not going to happen.

 

[skinwalker]

I can share your pain!
It is so true that addiction is a "family illness."
I grew up with a father as an alcoholic and unfortunately six years ago it took his life.
My mother never gave him the chance to get married she claims for his infidelity but we (my older sister and I) know it was his alcoholism.
As kids we would visit and he would be an absolute asshole and at times abusive. It would/still does hurt at the fact that I would miss him when he wasnt there but despised him when he was there. As I got older I saw past it all and understood that my dad was an alcoholic and that was the reason for him not being around. I felt anger towards my mom for not trying to stay with him for us....thinking she was all laughs and having a god time with my dad while she got pregnant not once but twice, what happened why did she all of a sudden have a change of heart???
After his death my sister and I are really struggling, at least I know I am (I dont know about my sister as we have kinda distanced ourselves since then) I do see that she was drinking heavily after that, but has since slowed down.
Kinda ironic huh......you see your dad drink himself to death and you still can have an urge to take a drink after that. Addiction at its finest!
Now I'm kinda in the same boat as my dad was in. I admit that I definitely have a pot smoking problem but my drinking isn't so bad that i can't control it, I do use it as an escape which i admit isn't good. My wife is pregnant with my firstborn daughter and I can tell she dwells on my usage (more recently dmt/mushrooms). I feel like the more i try and comfort her about my problem the more confused she is. She understands my past with my father which i think scares her even more. I guess there is a point in your life when you gotta decide but daily fighting and not wanting to be in the same room as me because i smell like pot is a little overboard IMO. I feel that we may have married each other based on a false sense of reality like so many people have/continue to do so, and with the added variables of addiction and kids; the situation becomes so much more worse especially for the kids.
I agree this time of year is pretty tough for me -i would usually go fishing with my dad around this time of year before he passed, at least we did get to have some good memories together.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I spent the evening with my boyfriend and I feel so much better
He knows about whats going on and has been trying to comfort me but I've been pushing him away all week and isolating so that I could use... I shot up once today and smoked some before then but I really feel like I'm done. I called him last night and told him, I was positive he was going to break up with me but he didn't, he just said that he couldn't be with me if this was how I was going to act. I have missed him so much and all day I just wanted to see him... we went out to dinner and then back to the house afterwards and I ended up crying for probably an hour about my family and using and how much I hate myself for everything thats happening with family and my using... he started crying about how scared he is that he's going to lose me, either through me ODing or deciding to jump back into my own using lifestyle.

I've never dated somebody who would cry because they were so scared of me hurting myself... most of my boyfriends have watched me self-destruct and just not wanted to get involved. I really love my boyfriend like I have never loved another guy... I honestly don't even notice if other guys are attractive because I am just so uninterested in anyone but him. Seeing how much me using has hurt him and how it will lead me to losing him... its just simply not worth it. And sitting and talking to him all night has put me in such a better place emmotionally to deal w/ my familys bullshit than using ever will... I mean, using is just like pressing a pause button, it doesn't actually help, it just stops things. So I guess I am feeling much better now, knowing that I have someone who loves me enough to cry at the thought of losing me, and who can sit and listen to me go on and on about my family for hours and support me in anyway they can

 

[bagochina]

How do you keep using in sober living? When I have lived in places like that I was ALWAYS tested.

peace.
seedless

 

[eon_blue]

^ So was I, but synthetic urine + heating pads got me through every one free and clear.

Would have been impossible if the test were supervised but ours weren't.

 

[badandwicked]

There comes a point when we all have to realise our parents are human with their own failings and problems. Clinging on to the nostalgic feelings of wanting them to be there for us like when we were small is understandable but pointless. You can't dwell on feelings of disappointment and abandonment because you're only punishing & sabotaging yourself, and hindering your own life. It also can be used as a justifiable excuse to use.

So far you've listed 4 people who are affecting you and your happiness, your brother, father, mother & partner. You can't rely on any of these to validate your existense. You need to attain a state of mind & self esteem whereby what ever these people do, you can stand strong. Some would call it taking control & responsibily for ones self. Otherwise, you're building your house on sand.

Don't be too filled with hate for your brother. Its easy to hate a sibling for what they put a parent through, but reflect on what you yourself have put your parents through. I'm sure you've given them plenty of grief filled moments & sleepless nights. Your mother is wrong to call you up & complain about your brother, you don't need to hear that.

The best way you can support all of them is to be strong & recovered yourself, and i feel that in your case the best way to achieve that is put a bit of emotional distance between you and them for a good long while. It doesn't mean you love them any the less, but it sounds to me like you need to take a bit of control of the situation rather than choosing to be repeatedly a victim of circumstance.