dark hole

[darkanon]

>> TDS

Hii

I've been on bluelight for the past 3 years.. over the years i've become less and less happy with life. I always figured it was just circumstancial and would pass with time.. unfortunatley it has only gotten worse, and in the last 3 weeks it has become painfully clear that i am down a very dark hole.

I am posting this from Rome, i live in australia.. ive been on holiday for the past 4 weeks going through london and other countries in europe, you would think i would be happy but i cannot even bring myself to go outside and walk around the city.. which to me indicate there is something very very wrong.

Ive managed to become depressed on holiday..... i dont know why. Im just tired of participating in what feels like a meaningless existence, nothing ever changes, nothing seems to get better.. i thought maybe a holiday would revitalise me, but its done nothing.

I lack direction and purpose, i have for years.. and over time its deteriorated me down to a hollow shell, i can look fine from the outside but on the inside i am dead, bored, tired, and world weary.

Music is the only thing that allows me to experience some happiness, i can fade away into the melody and just be one with myself, it doesnt judge, discrimate, have an opinion or expectations.. 'it just is'

I know there is medication for depression, but i really reqlly do not want to take any.. maybe im still in denial about my situation but i dont wish to be on anything.

Im not sure what im asking for here, i cant talk to many people been on holiday.. but i needed to write my thoughts down somewhere

 

[Apocolipto]

Hi,
Man it sounds bad, get help. .

 

[machoki]

You know, I probably had depression for about 3/4 of a year before it became much worse.
I was diagnosed with deconnection, i felt tired all the time, basically lost every "feeling" weather it would be love, hate, or anything.
At the end of it i couldn't sleep anything (2-3 hours a night no mather how tired i was). I was too tired to stay awake, but everything "hurt" too much to fall asleep.
So I went to see a shrink, and trust me, they don't give out medicine just for fun! You can talk to them, my doctor even did some kind of hypnosis, and TRUST me it felt better than any drug i've taken so far. And this was after only 3 sessions!

Admitting that you have a problem is hard, but denying it makes it even worse. Just try to see a doc, three-four times, i promise you, you will feel better!
Good luck mate!

 

[EAGERBEEZ]

hey man i can relate to pretty much all of that. and like others have said u can always pm me if u need someone to listen to u. i just want to tell u that even though u feel lost in this world, everyone fits into the puzzle eventually, it may take time to find your place but i assure u, its there. hope things get better

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I can so relate man.. depression is a horrible thing to go through. Ever since I was the littlest kid I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and major depressive. I went through meds SSRI's like paxil,well butrin, zoloft, and many others that I can't name. They did me more worse than harm, and when I went cold turkey on them in 10th grade I transitioned into my first hypomanic stage.. and being young,naive, and unnaware what I was experiencing mentally, I exposed myself to more stressors and evolved into full mania.. I was then diagnosed as bipolar and tried meds, went cold turkey, stopped all therapy, and have been all natural since.. 5 years later.

Deppression is a terrible thing to have to deal with. Pharmaceutical might work for you, they might not. They didn't work for me, I eventually found my own ways of coping with the depression by discovering marijuana and becoming a huge chronic smoker as an adolescent, it killed all my depression and anxiety, but made me zombie-like. Just explore different ways of treatment, whether it be clinical treatment or personal/leisurely treatment (found much more effectiveness in my own personal leisurely ways to treat my depression).

try to stay optimistic, i know it's damn near impossible, but you have to try to look on the brighter side. Find a way to express your inner emotions, the ones you don't share with anyone else, writing poetry/music is a great way to do this and a huge load is lifted off your shoulders when you put your feelings down on paper or in music, even if your the only one that reads or hears it, it really helps.

I'm positive that you will find your own coping mechanisms, I found mine. Just don't ever give into suicidal thoughts.. I had many of them since I was like 11.. and stay positive man.