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currently kicking my worst habit ever

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oxyschottin

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 21, 2013
Messages
63
Location
wisconsin
Well yesterday I decided I was done I am a chronic pain patient and an opiate addict. I have been down thus journey since I was 15. Starting with codiene graduating to iv fentynal and dilaudid.

I'm currently coming off of wearing a 75 MCG patch injecting I'd say half a patch and 32 mg of dilaudid. I just can't live like this anymore. I do have chronic pain and live with it everyday but have allowed my tolerance to get completely out of control. I can no longer go thru a day without re dosing several times and no longer enjoy life and everyday things that used to enjoy. I'm only 19 and I feel like I don't want to live another day and that's sad. I'm not me anymore and I as sit here half-tripping off my w/d god sent drug dxm and immodium I recollect on my past and the future I've thrown away. I've lost all will power and I hate it. I had so much potential that I threw away for a needle and to be quite honest im lost and don't know what to do.

I can no longer put up with this front I've worn for so long. So I kicked yesterday did my last dose at 8 am and went to the store to gather enough immodium and dxm to keep me sane for 4 or 5 days. All I can do now is throw on the TV grab a book and indulge.

But I cant shake this depression what will in do with my life. Hell can I even handle life with out opiates. I live with chronic pain from several illnesses. But opiates have killed my pain threshold and my tolerance is ridiculous.

Advice. Support. Anything will help right now. My w/d is painful but I have found that my regimen makes it as least painful as possible.

I need help right now bluelight i really do.
 
It sounds like you've been going through a tough time and I'm sorry to hear that. :( I am glad that you decided that it's best for you to quit though. That's something you should feel good about. You've got a good head on your shoulders.

When the withdrawals are over you might want to consider getting into volunteering or just figuring out some kind of activity you enjoy so you can socialize with other people. I know when I'm depressed I tend to isolate and that can make the depression even worse.

Have you thought about NA or SMART recovery at all? Also we have monthly staying clean threads here in Sober Living where you could get a ton of support as well. Talking to a psychiatrist and/or therapist should help as well. Take every thing day by day and you should start to feel better. <3
 
oxyschottin said:
I'm only 19 and I feel like I don't want to live another day and that's sad. I'm not me anymore and I as sit here half-tripping off my w/d god sent drug dxm and immodium I recollect on my past and the future I've thrown away. I've lost all will power and I hate it. I had so much potential that I threw away for a needle and to be quite honest im lost and don't know what to do.

I can no longer put up with this front I've worn for so long.
But I cant shake this depression what will in do with my life.
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One thing that you could do right now is to explore mindfulness philosophy and techniques for staying in the present rather than projecting out into the future or reliving the pain of the past. You cannot technically "throw away" your future--it hasn't happened yet! And as far as the past goes, it can be viewed so many different ways--what is the truth of it? Your past can be a source of shame or a rock solid springboard for understanding and change. Your future is open. What you are doing right now is so positive and strong. Focus on that.

It sounds like you know what you are getting into physically with the WDs and that is good. TV might be good for distraction, but try to read some things that will be inspiring whether that is spiritual or self-help or psychology or neuroscience. You need not only hope and faith right now but inspiration. Good luck and much love. You are saving your self and that is a very profound and honorable task.<3
 
Wow I'm actually reading a fantasy novel right now where The characters reflect upon philosophy in nearly every sentence and due to the dissociative being of w/d and dxm I pictured your post beingSaid by a similar character I'm reading about.

Thank you all for the support.
 
I am both sad for your addiction and happy for your decision of recovery. Congratulations on that! I'm not an opioid addict but friends of mine do NA meetings maybe that is something you can look into some day?

Keep pushing man, anything worthwhile is not going to be easy. it will pay off and you will have a new life. Think of the accomplishment, but take it one day at a time. Surely all of us are also here to support you. This section is very helpful :)
 
TV, light movies, music, anything you can use to distract. Nothing wrong with some ginger tea, and a box of ice cream (it was the one thing I didn't feel like throwing up). Those tubes with the ginger in them make it a lot easier to prepare -- 1 spoonful or so per cup will stop the nausea.

Have you thought about how you are going to manage your physical pain after? Not having a plan in place will wear on you in the days ahead.
 
I'm thinking about moving back in with my parents as I'm only 19 and going on a very light opiate or possibly a muscle relaxer and having my parents lock them up and control all of my intake like a methadone clinic i
Would. I still need to discuss it with my doctor and parents but lately I've been after the high and not pain relief and that just makes it worse.
 
I totally understand about the lost potential..I was considered a gifted student and in special classes and shit..then got on pot in high school..had a few bad trips on acid. Then came the opiates. At least you are realizing there is a problem and you are still young..there is always a way to get to where you want. It took me 15 years to fix myself..but I'm a medical student now and will be a MD in a few years, Ill be 40 years old..but I did it, finally. I think my life experience will be beneficial, to be honest. So what if it took a few extra years..
I also deal with chronic health and depression issues, and I hate sounding like a sales man, but suboxone was my life saver..idk what I would have done without it. I also attend CBT with a therapist I trust and like.
 
I'm using the dxm and lope at pretty high doses to be honest. I'm familiar with recreational use of dxm and although its not necessarily the Most pleasant high it beats withdeawl by a long shot. Throught out the day I dose 30 mg of lope in early am with 150 mg of dxm and redose about every 5 or 6 hours or as I need to feel comfortable I've taken off from work as this puts me in a dissociative (sp?) State but not so much that I can't function as I need. But when in withdrawal I prefer to test n try to get as much sleep as possible. Once again thank you all for the kindness.
 
I was in a similar situation at roughly the same age. I tried everything under the sun to help, but going to a competent psychiatrist who specializes in addiction is what helped me turn my life around.
 
I feel like we'd probably have a lot in common in still pushing through my last dose was on Tuesday around 8 a.m. I've been in zombie mode so far because of the otc meds I've been taking but I did call my pm doc and got cloidinine(sp?) And some nausea meds so I'm hanging in there. I've somehow managed to force myself to eat and knock back fluids. reading and music have been my savior.

I apologize for the grammer and spelling errors I am using my phone because my computer is not working at the moment.
 
oxyschottin said:
I feel like we'd probably have a lot in common in still pushing through my last dose was on Tuesday around 8 a.m. I've been in zombie mode so far because of the otc meds I've been taking but I did call my pm doc and got cloidinine(sp?) And some nausea meds so I'm hanging in there. I've somehow managed to force myself to eat and knock back fluids. reading and music have been my savior.

I apologize for the grammer and spelling errors I am using my phone because my computer is not working at the moment.
Click to expand...

Clonidine is a big help in withdrawal. You'll be glad you got that.

Hang in there. One good aspect of having to go through such an intense kick is that it really toughens you up and puts things in perspective. You'll come out much stronger and better off for it provided you can stay straight. Keep your eye on the prize and remember, especially when the pain gets to be really bad, why you did this to begin with.

Good luck.
 
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