Constant Low Points (One Addiction to Another)

[fantasyaddict]

I am an addict that feels completely alone and lost. I don't really even know where to start.


I've been on various prescription drugs over the past 5 years and in the fall of 2010, my life began to get a bit out of control. I have generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, panic disorder and insomnia. I have so many addictions and impulses that I worry I will never be able to function normally as I have relied on substance abuse since my early teens in order to cope with things. I was on Adderall for many years and then the tolerance thing happened as it always does when I feel I have found a magic "fix". The stimulants have been disintegrating my body the most out of all that I use but I've found it hard to feel like a functional, productive person without them. I'm scatter brained and feel like a complete zombie even when I've taken a long break.

September of 2010, I got a DUI and had my license taken away. I was in denial about the entire situation and continued to drink despite the fact that I could not drink like a normal person (I have a history of alcoholism in my family). I would get extremely wired during the day and then at night, I felt like I NEEDED a drink because I had so much crazy stuff going on in my life. The past year or so, I've had too many black outs to count. I've come to terms with the fact that I am basically a binge alcoholic and can not touch drinks. In December of the same year, I was prescribed Xanax so that I could cope with the stress from my legal problems but I managed to put myself in a benzo black out one night. I don't remember anything, but I guess I woke up the next morning and decided to get dressed and go to work. I ended up crashing my car as I was trying to park and I remember acting completely erratic and leaving after getting the contact info of the car I damaged, which happened to be that of a coworker's. I don't remember driving home or any of the rest of that day. The next day I abruptly quit my job.

Since then I have been unemployed and without a license. I've lost almost all of the friends I had (which may be a blessing in disguise as they weren't the best people) through walking out of events when I become too intoxicated and feeling like everyone is against me/ignoring me. I have essentially become a hermit aside from a very select few people. Recently I was put on benzos again because things are getting crazy at home, in the abusive environment that I live in. I have panic attacks every night where I feel as though I'm going to go into cardiac arrest. I get swept by feelings of terror, loneliness, helplessness, paranoia and a sense of impending doom. My relationship with my mother who I live with and her brute of a husband is just awful. Completely verbally abusive. I feel like an animal in a cage in this type of environment and I have no near by relatives to help me, as I am a child of European immigrants. All of my family is on another continent and when I skype with them, they just act like something is terribly wrong with me rather than offer some sympathy. I can't reach out to my own father either because he's an alcoholic and his life is more dark than mine is. I have nobody but people who roll their eyes at my desperation or give me advice that doesn't work.


I've dealt with this extreme night time panic disorder and insomnia by taking as many Percocets or Norcos (whatever opiates I can get my hands on) and mixing them with benzodiazepines at night, which I take in excess and buy more of when I'm out of my prescription early. I know this is bad, but at least I am not on alcohol. My anxiety and panic attacks is so debilitating that I can't be in this house without having a complete meltdown and feeling like my body is going to give out. I've been to a few Narcotics Anonymous meetings but I haven't found the right one. The last one I went to actually made me downright uncomfortable because the men in the group were acting like it was a sports event or something and screaming "KEEP COMING BACK!" in exaggerated manly tones, like they were on steroids or something. Ones I have been to before, I have been approached by NA nazis afterwards who are aggressive and condescending to me. I just don't know what to do. I need some kind of help, or just some encouraging words to let me know that I am not completely insane and alone on this path to doom. I'm a complete mess. I stay silent about these issues to the majority of people.

 

[easy as]

You're alright mate. Hang in there. I have little advice, as I struggle with my own issues, but it sounds like you need to talk to a therapist. THey can be very helpful esp. when you feel at the end of your rope. Also, I would taper off the benzos as they can cause severe insomnia, panic and all the other things you initially took them to combat against. The opiates...hmm, they seem to help me, but I'm a bit of an addict. I would talk to someone who can really help you. Feel free to hit me up if you need some advice on stress and some of the other issues. Good luck and sorry i am not more of a help.

 

[J G Quiggin]

hi fantasyaddict,
I've dealt with (or continue to deal with) similar challenges to your own. I have ADHD, anxiety, am prone to addiction, and have lived in very abusive environments.

I've noticed that bad times always pass - but it can take a bit of effort to move on. One step at a time. Try to be patient (I know that's hard when you have ADD.)

I also recommend seeing a therapist. I've seen a few - and they've all had a sliding scale so they weren't crazy expensive even though i had no insurance.

Mindfullness meditation helps me a lot with anxiety and add (and I think there's studies that have shown that's its effective for most folks).
Also: exercise, music, going to church/secular meetups.

I know for a lot of people these kinds problems get better as they get older - so your definately in a winnable fight!

Please keep me posted on how things are going for you, and PM me if you need someone to chat with.

J G

 

[herbavore]

Your situation sounds pretty unbearable but you are not only bearing it but looking for help so you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for that. Is there any way that you could live elsewhere? It sounds like a very toxic environment for you. Be very careful with the benzos for anxiety. It does not take any time at all to become an addiction that is very hard to beat. J G Quiggan's advice about mindfulness practice for anxiety is well worth exploring. There is much information online and probably withing your community as well.

Have you ever heard of Smart Recovery? It is a good alternative to AA/NA. Unfortunately there are very few meetings compared with 12 step programs but there is an online community. I hope that you can hang in there and get the help you deserve. Remember that it will be a long process as you have said that you have been on drugs for your entire development as a young adult. That means that many coping skills you might have developed will feel very new and inadequate for a while. Be patient and forgiving with yourself. You deserve help and support and encouragement. It is out there but finding it is quite daunting when you are dealing with anxiety, depression and addiction. You are quite strong to be doing what you are doing right now. Keep your hope alive--it is your best weapon. Much love. PM any time if you feel it would help.

 

[Vaya]

Hey there,

I can relate to all of the psychiatric and dependency issues you stated. But, more importantly, I can relate to moving from one addiction to the next and the feelings of utter solitude and loneliness (sometimes, for me, even purposelessness) that accompany the struggle.

I found divine truth in the idea that my impulsivity and chemical dependencies were just symptoms of a larger problem. For example, I conditioned myself over time to understand how I was feeling inside when I would make a rash decision or relapse on various substances. And what I found by being aware of my triggers is that my abuse would almost always be triggered by aspects of myself I needed to address first, before I had any hope of surfacing from the depths of drug addiction.

Each time somebody would wrong me (as I perceived it), it would instill a little bit of anger or resentment deep inside of me. But I either would be unwilling to address that anger, or otherwise be completely unaware that the seed of resentment had been planted in me by that particular circumstance. As these installments of negative emotions (including other things, like jealousy and pride) began to crop up, I became resentful at myself and/or at the world. Needless to say, this state of mind provided the perfect psychological template for me to base my justifications for excessive drinking and using drugs on.

On so the cycle continued for... many dark and lonely years My experience has shown me that in order to have any hope whatsoever of overcoming these daunting addictive afflictions, I need to peer into myself and really get my hands dirty by addressing why it might be that I am prone to jealousy, or self-pity, et. al. I'm in the midst of my second time around rigorously working on this, and I don't want to suggest that it is in any way pain-free. In fact, when I begun to address the "core" issues at hand (as my addictions were expressive symptoms of these defects in my ability to love myself and tolerate others) I really thought I wouldn't make it. Resigning myself to the fact that I would always be this way - Miserable, unhappy, lonesome, self-loathing and a barnacle on any relationship I established - seemed somehow more palatable than painfully taking on those deficits of personality I'd had for so many years. I found it necessary to come to terms with their presence, followed by doing all that I could to address and reform those issues so as to lessen the chance of them continuing to suffocate my spirit. After all, it is no small wonder that a suffocated spirit may probably result in relapse, after relapse, after relapse - with several pinches of feelings of failure and helplessness thrown in for good measure.That was no way to live!

Today, when I'm feeling angry or resentful or begin to throw a pity-party for myself (which no one wants to attend! ), I try to help somebody else. I've discovered that, by getting out of myself and helping somebody else, I end up helping myself too. This isn't purely because I just "feel good" about having helped some other person, though. In the process of doing the next loving thing for others, I almost always accidentally stumble upon ways I had overlooked regarding how to do the next loving thing for myself. Today, I look in the mirror before bed and tell myself two things: The first, whilst looking directly into my own eyes in the mirror, I say (and try to really mean) the words, "I love you."

That is so much harder than you'd think. I'd more easily say that to a stranger on a crowded subway than myself alone at night. But it helped me to understand that if I were capable of loving myself, I was capable of overcoming the afflictions that had been tearing my life apart. I don't self-destruct when I love myself. So I had to begin to love myself.

The second thing I did, again looking directly into my own eyes and feeling entirely uncomfortable the whole while, was to verbalize the phrase, "You are unique; you are genuine; you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be sober. You deserve this, and you're doing the best that you can with what you've currently got to work with."

I sleep like a baby on these nights.

If you'd like a suggestion from me, it would be to try and identify the taproot of your struggles - that part of you that may get out of hand and seemingly provide plausible reasons to go back out there and self-destruct, as I did for many years. Though it is a difficult process, the rewards to be gained are such that I am unable to verbalize them with language. I would almost classify it as a spiritual experience in the very truest sense of the idea.

I hope some of what I've written tonight makes sense to you; I realize you must be in a fragile mentality (as was I). But if the suggestions I have laid out for you this evening appeal to you, or you'd just like somebody to talk to who will really listen to you, I encourage you with everything inside of me to send me a message here on Bluelight. If you'd prefer, you may always respond here; I will be sure to check back, and I would loving nothing more than to be there to hear you.

It's incredible how few of us find we are truly listened to in our daily lives. And, sometimes... well, sometimes, that's all it takes.

Be well, fantasyaddict I look forward to hearing more from you.

~ vaya

 

[Missykins]

Who the fuck keeps giving you these benzos? Once you answer this question we'll take it from there.

Also, you might find that AA is a kinder, gentler experience than NA. I got clean in AA, even though it was not alcohol that brought me to the fellowship.

 

[Vaya]

Also, you might find that AA is a kinder, gentler experience than NA. I got clean in AA, even though it was not alcohol that brought me to the fellowship.

Me too! At least where I go, over half of the rooms of AA are people who have struggled with waaaaaay more than alcohol.

 

[fantasyaddict]

Hello everybody! Thank you so much for all of the kind words of advice you've had to offer me during this difficult time in my life. I wish I could message some of you who have offered but unfortunately I don't have that ability at the moment. I know that part of my issues are situational while the other part consists of demons that I have to address.