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confusion. help please?

N

NothingSpecial

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Messages
10
So im having issues with my relationship i think. Im just going to start typing things that come to mind about it. Hopefully it all makes sense.

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Were both semi shy/quiet. at times. But when were talkative, we have the exact same sense of humor. We laugh at eachother. Joke around. But Ive noticed Im not like my old self anymore. In my past relationship of 4 years, i didnt care of how i acted in front of people. I wasnt thaat shy or anything. we'd run around and laughh. Im thinking maybe its because i started dating him when i was 17-21. Maybe cause i was still in my teen years. But Im only 23 now and i act totally different. I carry myself differently. and treat my current bf different. I always show him how much i care about him. hug him, try to cuddle, etc. I guess im more "loving".

so i'll kind of give an everyday example of what its like in our relationship right now. (how its been for months)

example of a bad day: we wake up. im almost always the one who texts him first. (he perfers texting over calling) say i text him at 1pm, saying " Hey baby. How are u" I wont get a text until around 3 maybe 4. (if hes working) He'll just say; Hi. or, I love you. Something around those lines. We'll text about 5 -10 times. until its 7pm. At this point I go over to his house. I sit on the edge of the bed watching tv or w.e. while hes always on the computer. i try to get him to lay down or cuddle. he'll say his neck hurts or back. so the most he'll do most of the time is just put his arm around me. Sometimes i get pissed cause its like he doesnt want me there. so i kinda sigh. (not on purpose, really) but then he gets mad and storms down the hallway.

Idk. Im sure this is probably confusing or boring for you guys to read. but i feel like were having problems. And i just need some help.

And its not just that, sex, is a different problem.

Together for 2 years right? We've had sex probably about idk id sayy about 15 times IF that. I mean, theres alot of me going down on him. rarely him going down on me.

Even whenever we do cuddle. he NEVER just starts touching me or anything. Im always the one who makes a move. and i usually am the one doing all the work. except when we actually have sex, he always wants to be on top. Lol. and he will surprise me by going down on me but its only when we have sex.

Anyways. I think we have a huge communication problem. I never know anymore what to say to him. I feel like if i tell him what i want or what im thinking, he'll take it the wrong way or judge me? I dont know if he'll ever actually judge me. but it seems like it at some points. I just want to be able to have a healthy relationship with him. Like i said, I care about him so much. I want to treat him right, but at the same time I want to be treated right too. obviously.

please help me out here. if you can. tell me what you think or give me any advice.

thanku
 
You need to break up with him. Sorry. I hardly ever say this and I don't know you and I'm trying not to be judgemental. But you need to get out of this "relationship". This isn't a relationship, it's a way of making you feel unwanted, used (when you have sex) rejected (when you're not), useless, boring, demanding and needy. And you are NONE of these things. You are a normal human being wanting a healthy connection with another person, and he can't give this to you. For whatever reason - he's not into you, he's got issues with intimacy, he's autistic, I really don't care - but he CAN'T. And you've grown up into a woman now and you need more than this.

Get out now. This will only get worse, this will only continue to damage your confidence in yourself and your belief in your own worth and make you even more withdrawn and isolated and more needy of him and he'll pull away even more. There are men out there who can love you like you need to be loved.
 
Oh god. 15 times of sex in two years... wow. Uhm...erm...this one is a tough one to help with. AllI can say is talk to him ormaybe I dont know he isnt into you. Most guys would say more in a text and would love to fuck a girl if they get the chance.
You two really need to talk.
 
YES! Thats the perfect way to see and say it. He probably sees you as a FWB but then again two years... So I'm not sure. I mean it is really complicated since it was that LONG. I think talk about it, get your feelings straight and ect idk just find out what is really going on.
 
In all honesty, break up with this guy as fast as you can, turn and run and never look back. You sound completely unappreciated in this relationship, and he's not going to appreciate you anytime soon if you stay. This doesn't even sound like a relationship, honestly. I don't want to sound mean, but this sounds like some sort of dependency issue, like the two of you are only together because then you at least have SOMETHING to hold onto in life. He sounds so distant from you, like you two live completely separate lives. From my own personal experience, this means he really just isn't that into you, or he has someone else on the side. That's how guys act when they have a girlfriend, but find themselves wanting somebody else. They distance themselves, they get angry and frustrated easily and will walk away from a situation easily (storming down the hall), will make up excuses to not do intimate things like cuddling (but will put his arm around you just to give you the bare minimum to keep you happy and not start a fight), and communication will be very sparse. Also, 15 times in two years...? Come on, my last girlfriend and I must have had sex 15 times in one week at some point, that's just terrible.

That's my view on it anyway. I think you deserve better than this, from the sounds of it, and you should get out of it immediately. There's so much out there that's way better, and you deserve to find it. I think deep down, you already know all of this, and you already know what you have to do, just sometimes we need a little help taking that first step. It's just hard to make that big decision to get out of something like this, especially when you're so invested in it after being together for two years. I know it might seem like you want to fix things with this guy, but I think if you try to push the issue, it's only going to push him further away. I think he's a lost cause, and it's time to move on.

Of course, you know your own relationship better than any of us, we can only give advice from the short bits of information you give us, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. But from what I can tell, you sound like a really great and caring girl, and he just doesn't seem to reciprocate. I really hope you move on and find somebody better that you can be really happy with, because this just doesn't sound like you're getting what you need. Good luck.
 
Thank you everyone for your advice and such. Appreciate it! :)
I actually did talk to him last night. We talked about alot of stuff.
And its a bit selfish of me. But it just slipped my mind.
The reason why its been like this especially the last month or two is because he
lost his mom 2 years ago around this time. He always shuts down somewhat.
He did the same thing last year, now that i recall.
And I dont blame him. Hes had alot of family issues lately too.
Just alot has been going on, and i just automatically assume its my fault.
Or because of me for why hes upset.
And I need to stop that. Cause he told me that he really loves me and
doesnt want to lose me.

So theres a bit more to the story. But I really gotta get going.
I guess I just need to think twice before i over react.

Thanks again for the feedback.
 
^ Glad to hear that you guys are communicating, and yes anniversaries (of losing a loved one) are notoriously tricky, but it still seems like there is a lot of intimacy and sex-related issues and things missing in your relationship to make you feel loved and wanted? Or am I wrong?
 
If you love him dont give up... my fiance and I have been together for almost four years now all together, we've broken up a billion times and had the worst fights imaginable but in the end we are together and now everything has resolved itself. you just have to keep trying and work together.
 
One part of the communication problem could be the texting.

With my ex-gf, when we werent together we always tetxted on fb.
And when you have nothing to say when you are in real life... that sucks.

In addition, having an argument while texting is the worst thing that can happen.
You don't see the person you're talking to -> no emotions.
Your words get harsher than they would be if you saw the person.

Do you talk about his family and the problems he got?
If i had problems, my gf would be the first person I'd talk to.
 
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