Confusing Times lay ahead-newly single mom is already head over heals

[Aporia]

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in this forum at all but I know how compassionate and caring some of the other forums are and I'm just in a real weird place in my life right now. I can't seem to really talk to friends where I'm at and I just need to get some things off my chest and look for advice/opinions/etc..

I'm a 29yo female who in March left her husband of seven years because I was really unhappy in our relationship. I had been for the last couple years but we have a 5 yo daughter and I didn't want to ruin her family. Things just got real bad for me and I was depressed, suicidal and abusing alcohol and opiates to hide from my unhappiness. I finally got up the nerve to leave him and now my daughter and I have been on our own for the past five months. I'm doing it...doing the single mom thing and I'm doing it all by myself. My ex hasn't sent us anything to help and has only seen his daughter a few days in the past five months. I still have love for him in my heart but am NOT in love with him. Of course I wanted my family to work and be complete...to not have a broken family but I just can't see myself with him. ...Where is this going, I bet most of you are thinking? Well as I said I had been unhappy (and sexually dead) for the last few years so when I split I was more than excited to go out and date around. I contacted a friend that lives 8hrs away whom I had a crush on letting him know I would be in his town (this was early June) and would love to meet up and hang out (planning really just to let loose and have some good old sexy time). That turned into us both falling hard for each other. I've been down to see him twice now and he's been up to see me once since June. He really wants to come up and visit again but I'm not sure how to do this as I live in a one bedroom apartment with my daughter. She has the room and I've turned the living room into my bed room. But I don't know exactly where me and this new guy are going and I don't want to confuse my daughter or replace her papa.
However, this new guy really cares for me and for my daughter. And I really care for him. I guess part of me is worried that all these feelings are just a normal part of rebounding (i've only been in two real relationships in my life so I'm not quite sure how all this is suppose to play out) and I don't want to bring into my daughters life a rebound but I really miss the guy and I really want to see him. My going to visit him has to be put on hold so I can save money and do the responsible thing since I'm on my own.

This guy has made is abundantly clear that he cares for me a lot, that he totally understands why I'm hesitant to have him come up again and is wonderful about everything. He's not pressuring me into anything but I really want to be around him. It's driving me nuts not being able to see him for a few hours on my days off and not to have a count down as to when we'll get to see each other again.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any personal experiences anyone would care to share? Opinions? Advice? Sorry for the longwindedness of it all. Like I mentioned I don't feel comfortable talking with friends here about this for some reason so I haven't really spelled it out until just now. I really appreciate any and all kind words that may come about. Thank you all for taking your time to read!

Aporia

 

[Lysis]

You know, the love of my life and I met online. He casually said to me one time "Hey, you know, if you ever want to come to Utah, we have the best snow ever and I would love to take you." I thought about it for a couple of days and pinged him back and said "You know what, I need a vacation. Still want to see me?" I went to meet him and I was one lovesick puppy. He came to see me a couple months later, and I thought "Fuck it. I'm going to tell him how I feel." I said "Hey, I wish we could live close...at least the same town. I really have feelings for you." He never got on the plane back home. I was so freakin crazy about that guy.

So, right now you guys are crazy about each other and it's long distance. Is that something you want? Who would be the one who would move? I'm assuming it would be him since he doesn't have a child. I think it's totally possible that it can work out.

 

[$ublimaze]

Being a single mom is hard. I know because I am with one. Your new to it, so naturally this is your first experience dating while having her. I thought my moms tactic as a single mom was pretty good. I never knew she was ever sleeping with any of the men she ever had around. She had lots of friends, but they never fooled around in front of me, so it never really even existed in my life.

Its a long distance relationship so is he going to move near you or what? Like you guys dont seem to be able to hook up right now, so how are you going to make that work?

 

[Pagey]

Even if it's a rebound, I don't think you should worry about it too much. The important part is you being happy - the happier you are, the better you'll be able to take care of your daughter I'm sure, and she'll sense it if you're feeling better. If seeing this man makes you happier, go for it! Especially if he's really caring towards your daughter as well.

 

[Mel22]

^ I agree with all of this - go for it! You deserve happiness, and I definitely agree that you being happy will benefit your daughter greatly.

The only thing I think would be a good idea would be to keep the contact between him and your daughter at minimal until you know it's a serious relationship with solid long term potential. It must suck to be a child and have someone that you feel safe and happy with just disappear one day.

 

[Aporia]

Thanks everyone!
Mel22-that's what I'm worried about. For me to see him he'll have to spend time around my daughter-a few days outta the month or so. He'd like to fly in for a few days each month but I've been putting off planning another visit until I wrap my head around what's appropriate for me to do now that I have a daughter. Since my daughter lives full time with me (her father is transient right now) when he comes to visit they will be in contact the whole time he's here. Is that too much is what I'm wondering. Until anything turns serious neither one of us is moving but I would really like to have him up to visit once a month.

 

[Cohesion]

Congratulations on making empowering choices and really DOING it! :D You sound like an amazing woman.

I can imagine your situation. I have a 3 year old and am also a single mother. I met someone special 7 weeks ago on vacation (sans child) and he lives 2000 miles away. We talk a few times a week on the phone (5 hours or so?). So, we aren't as far along in our desires as you are. My experience... I invited him to come visit me for a 3 day weekend. (He wants to come, but we're going to keep talking and building more before he makes the trip.) It was OK with me if my daughter was with me, otherwise, it would be NICER if she will be with my brother & sisterinlaw that weekend.

Is there anyone she can stay with once in awhile during these first few critical months while you build a foundation with him? If not I think it's cool if he comes to visit when she's there. He can be introduced as your friend. He can sleep in the living room, and you can sleep in the room with your daughter (even if you crawl into bed at 3am). Sleeping arrangements like this will minimize questions or confusion for her I think. He's staying with you because he lives out of town - it makes sense. Life is short (and so will be his interest) if you don't accept some of his advances. You aren't replacing her papa. For now he is a friend - he's not an authoritative figure in her life... just a visiting friend

Keep us updated!! I really want to know how it goes for ya.

 

[Mel22]

Mel22-that's what I'm worried about. For me to see him he'll have to spend time around my daughter-a few days outta the month or so. He'd like to fly in for a few days each month but I've been putting off planning another visit until I wrap my head around what's appropriate for me to do now that I have a daughter. Since my daughter lives full time with me (her father is transient right now) when he comes to visit they will be in contact the whole time he's here. Is that too much is what I'm wondering. Until anything turns serious neither one of us is moving but I would really like to have him up to visit once a month.

Look, it's a bit of a tough one. You can't totally sacrifice your happiness and pass up opportunities to have relationships, and you can't help but worry about your daughter and any possibly influence anything may have on her.

You've just got to trust your instincts on this one IMO, and just go with the flow and make your decisions along the way. I'm sure everything will be fine really, and even if your daughter does like this guy and he goes, it's not going to scar her for life. You're still going to be a good mother, and your kid will have a stable and happy environment that you provide for her. Unless you repeatedly do the hook-up-break-up thing over and over with multiple men, I'm sure your daughter will be just fine

Good luck, and enjoy being happy!

Cohesion: Great idea about the sleeping arrangements, very practical and effective I think. And I hope you and your guy progress well

Life is short (and so will be his interest) if you don't accept some of his advances.

^ I wouldn't even bother thinking about that at all, and it's not necessarily true IMO. I think OP should focus solely on how she feels about the situation without possibly adding even slight pressure by taking things like that into consideration, if that makes any sense.