Confusing thoughs and feelings about my sexuality

[Cyanoide]

This is a quite sensitive subject for me but maybe some fellow Bluelighters could give me some good advice on how to discover what I am and what I want.

Well first of all I'm male. I've considered myself bisexual since my early teens. But now I have a dilemma. I only have sexual feelings for men, meaning I want sex with men and get aroused only (well, almost only) by men.

But I can't imagine myself dating or even less have a relationship with a man. I can only consider having a relationship with a woman. I've never been able to speak about feelings with men. Being in a relationshop means sharing very strong and intimate feelings and I have a hard time imagining myself doing that with a man. But women do not actually attract or interest me sexually.

I'm wondering if there's something in me I want to suppress (that I'm not "really" gay, that I only fantasize about men and that I'm "actually" straight). I would want to have a relationship, but right now I'm confused. It's not fair towards other people to just "test" a relationship to see if I really can be in a relationship with another man or if sex actually would work in a relationship with a woman.

Gosh this is difficult It's preventing me from doing anything about any relationship right now.

 

[Pegasus]

All I can say is that you'll probably get a better understanding of yourself as time goes on...

 

[llama112]

Yes, how old are you? I'm just curious ... how long this has been going on ... that kinda thing.

There are plenty of "sensitive" guys or "feminine" guys around. Perhaps you just haven't met one. I find that knowing if you want to be in a relationship with someone takes time. For me, I have to know the guy really well before I will have an actual relationship with him. The sex may be great, but it's later on do I know who he really is ... that kinda thing. You don't necessarily know from first impressions.

I'd say give a guy a chance. Why not? What do you have to lose? If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. Lots of relationships fail, it's just a learning experience!

On a side note, have you ever been in a relationship at all? A serious relationship? Had sex? With a male or female?

 

[Cyanoide]

Yes, how old are you? I'm just curious ... how long this has been going on ... that kinda thing.

There are plenty of "sensitive" guys or "feminine" guys around. Perhaps you just haven't met one. I find that knowing if you want to be in a relationship with someone takes time. For me, I have to know the guy really well before I will have an actual relationship with him. The sex may be great, but it's later on do I know who he really is ... that kinda thing. You don't necessarily know from first impressions.

I'd say give a guy a chance. Why not? What do you have to lose? If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. Lots of relationships fail, it's just a learning experience!

On a side note, have you ever been in a relationship at all? A serious relationship? Had sex? With a male or female?

Hi,
thanks for your replies.

I'm 28 years old. I've felt bisexual since I was 11 (very early). But I suppressed those feelings, but subconsciously I was aware of it (e.g. it kept popping up in dreams all the time) as a teenager.

I've been in a teen relationship with a girl. It lasted for about 3 years I guess. We did have sex quite a lot. But that was over 14 years ago. After that, I've had sex with a female a few times (a few years ago).

I had quite severe mental problems between 2004-2008 and only had one friend those years. I actually don't remember how I felt then, because I was on a such heavy medication all the time that relationsips and sex were of no real interest, and also because of my lonelinesss back then I guess I just didn't give sex and relationships much thought. I suffered from depression, GAD, panic disorder and severe social phobias. I went through hell, but I've managed to beat most of the mental problems with years of heavy medication, therapy and meditation. All except for one; social phobia. It's not as severe anymore, but it definately affects relationships with new people.

About a year ago I really started to think about what I want. There was a huge gap for svereal years when I had mental problems where sex and relationships had no role in my life. This year this whole thing has become more and more confusing for me. I also started using psychedelics again (after a many years brake) last year and they gave the spark but also confused me; I made realizations about my life and that I have no love, no sex and no relationship.
I know have a few close friends, not many but they do accept me as I am. The problem just is that I don't know what I am.

For some reason I also find it extremely hard to talk about these things when I'm sober. I'm high on MXE right now and that's why I feel I can write about this issue with more ease. It's sad, I know. One should be able to speak freely about these things when being sober too but it's hard for me.

I think I have some kind of attitude problem towards males. Although I'm sexually attracted (mostly) to males, I always seek shelter with females when I need to talk about my feelings. I'm not a feminine male. Not at all. Still I prefer the company of females over males. But they don't attract me sexually the same way as men do. I actually think I'm a bit afraid of males in some strange way. A relationship with a male seems...alien. But I don't feel sexually attractec to women. Or let's just say, I'd rather have sex with males.

But the bottom line is: yes, I long for intimacy, yes, I long for a relationship, yes, I long for sex. I just don't know how to connect the dots here. In my mind I can only imagine intimacy and relationships with femsles, but on the other hand I can only imagine sex with males (OK, technically I could have sex with a female, but I'm attracted to males physically).

I'm sorry if the message was a bit messy, I knew exactly what I wanted to say but my fingers and eyes didn't co-operate...

 

[Johnny1]

I feel for you, man. You're in such internal struggle. Do you think it's because of the way society has programmed you to be, or do you think you'd have the same struggle if society was completely accepting of gay people?

 

[DrunkardsDream]

OP are you sexually attracted to women at all?

You said how you only have sexual feelings for men but then you said how you're not interested in women at all sexually and how you're not attracted to them.

I'm gay and I have never had any sexual attraction to women at all. I've never had sex with a woman but I've met gay men who did have sex with women and they told me how the experience showed them how they're not sexually attracted to women at all, and they told me how during sex with a woman in order to get hard and finish (if they could) they had to constantly think about men.

My bisexual friends are sexually attracted to both genders-both men and women, and while they may have periods where they're only sexually attracted to one gender they've never been completely gay/lesbian or straight in that they've only ever been sexually attracted to one gender.

You wrote about dating and having relationships with women. Have relationships with men, and date men. When you have sex with men or anyone make sure you have safe sex and use condoms for anal sex if you do that or want to do it even if it's sharing a sex toy. Some men use condoms for oral sex. I personally do not but I don't suck random strangers, give oral sex if I have a cut in my mouth or I've just brushed my teeth, and I don't do rimming at all but I have friends that do and they only do that to a partner who they are monogamous with or else they use dental dams or cut up condoms.

I have never dated or had a relationship with a woman but there's not much difference between people who are straight, bisexual, or gay/lesbian except for who we love and have sexual attraction to.

You wrote about using drugs and psychedelics. They can be fun but whatever you do don't rely on psychedelics or drugs to give you all the answers or think that they'll show you things that you don't already know or can't find out about yourself while sober.

Good luck.

 

[Cyanoide]

@DrunkardsDream

Yes, yes I do get attracted to women sometimes but as the years have gone past the pendulum is more and more swinging towards men. To the point that if I think, fantasize or dream about sex, I'm always with men. If I masturbate or play with toys, I always fantasize it's a man I'm having sex with. I've never had sex with a man though. So obviously in that regard there's things like nervousness and insecurity (I'm not sexually very experienced even with women) when being with a man.

I have had periods when I'm more attracted to a certain gender. Some periods I was mostly attracted to women. But it seems that this is not just an ongoing phase anymore. I've felt like this for a year now and there are no signs of change. So in that sense it's a quite clear case. My confusion stems from the fact that as I said earlier, I have problems imagining myself living in a relationship with a man. I've never talked about feelings or my sexuality with men, and find it hard to do so. I've never had any gay friend either whom I could talk about it with. With women I have no problems speaking about how I feel. That's why I on an emotional level feel more connected to women.

I forgot an important part too. My brother's gay, openly. He lives in a relationship with a man (obviously..). This hasn't been easy for my parents but they at least to some degree accept it now I think. I don't have any other siblings. So there's also the part of me not wanting to hurt my parents. They would be devastated. I know, and all my friends say it to me, that I must live for myself and not for other people (meaning I can't let the feeling of not wanting to hurt my parents prevent me from living how I want). I know that. But it's always easier for outsiders to say things, than to actually be in my shoes.

Having a relationship and dating with men somehow scares me. I feel so extremely insecure about it. I'm a shy guy, I don't spend time in places where I meet much new people. About 6 months ago I put out a dating profile looking for men. I did get replies, some were indeed interesting and I was having interesting conversations with a few by e-mail but, in the end I "chickened out". There's a huge lack of self confidence in me when it comes do dating.

I know drugs don't give the answers, but it's the psychedelics that triggered me into really starting the process of preparation. Also, it's only under the influence I feel totally confident about my feelings. I need the self-confidence and self-acceptance while being sober too.

Thanks for trying to help me.

 

[Lysis]

Cyanoide, from just another poster on the forum and a straight girl, it sounds to me like you are fighting being gay, because of all the "stuff" in society that works against you. I think a lot of it has to do with your upbringing and where you live. Around me, no one would care if you're gay, so the gays are just so open and no one really cares. If you live in the middle of BFE, I could understand why you'd be afraid to come out.

Your relationship with girls and feeling more comfortable talking about feelings might just be a "Friendly" thing. I mean, being gay, you're one of the girls. And, I don't really feel comfortable telling men my feelings either. I prefer to lament and cry with a girlfriend or a gay male friend. Perhaps this is what you are feeling too, because you see men as a sexual partner and you see females as great friends. Perhaps you feel responsible for being the "straight" son, because your parents didn't really accept your brother for a while.

I can't even imagine what it would be like coming out at 28, but at the end of the day, I imagine you want a partner and someone to love and who will love you. You can't be unhappy just so you're "not gay" for the rest of your life. I'm sorry if you do feel ashamed for it. As I've aged, my girlfriends have moved on but my gay friends are still around, and I couldn't dream of them being any other way. They have been good friends to me, and if you were near me, I'd give you a hug. Some of them have told me some of the stuff they went through, and I'm sorry you have to feel confused.

 

[Cyanoide]

Lysis, you're spot on. Actually you summed up me better than I've ever could myself. I've never thought about it that way, but you are absolutely right. The reason I often more enjoy being in the company of women is because I have many things in common with them which I don't have with straight guys.

But on the other hand, as I said, I'm not a particularly feminine guy. I'm e.g. a passionate football (soccer for you Americans ) fan and when I drink beer and watch football I prefer the company of males. Especially when I'm on the stands chanting for my team, full of testosterone :D But on an emotional level, when speaking about relationships, love and sex, I guess in a way I'm metaphorically "one of the girls". Because I don't have that much common as the straight guy in that regard (hence the feeling of being "alienated" in a relationship with a man, because the fact is the vast majority of guys are straight and I've never had gay guys around me). So the feeling of emotionally being connected to women must stem from that.

Thank you for the virtual hug, I'd hug you too if my arms would stretch to another continent

Edit: Coming out is mostly difficult because of my parents. Northern Europe in general is a quite tolerant place towards gays and lesbians. E.g. same sex marriage is allowed, there are gay priests and so on.

Edit2: What's the BFE? The bible belt? We're lucky to be a much more secular country than the US (in general, I know there are many liberal places in the US too).

 

[DrunkardsDream]

@DrunkardsDream

Yes, yes I do get attracted to women sometimes but as the years have gone past the pendulum is more and more swinging towards men. To the point that if I think, fantasize or dream about sex, I'm always with men. If I masturbate or play with toys, I always fantasize it's a man I'm having sex with. I've never had sex with a man though. So obviously in that regard there's things like nervousness and insecurity (I'm not sexually very experienced even with women) when being with a man.

I have had periods when I'm more attracted to a certain gender. Some periods I was mostly attracted to women. But it seems that this is not just an ongoing phase anymore. I've felt like this for a year now and there are no signs of change. So in that sense it's a quite clear case. My confusion stems from the fact that as I said earlier, I have problems imagining myself living in a relationship with a man. I've never talked about feelings or my sexuality with men, and find it hard to do so. I've never had any gay friend either whom I could talk about it with. With women I have no problems speaking about how I feel. That's why I on an emotional level feel more connected to women.

Ok so you're bisexual then.

You're just in a period of your life where you prefer men or the same gender that's all.

This has happened to my bisexual friends before.

I can tell if a woman is beautiful but I've never had sexual attraction or gotten aroused towards a woman before.

Have you ever told your brother how you're bisexual?

I mean, being gay, you're one of the girls.

If a guy is a queen or feminine I can see why you'd think that if you're a gay man you're "one of the girls" but most gay and bisexual men are not like this, we're completely regular guys who just happen to be bisexual or gay, and we don't have fag hags.

I have female friends but they're just friends and that's all they're ever going to be.

 

[Cyanoide]

Ok so you're bisexual then.

You're just in a period of your life where you prefer men or the same gender that's all.

This has happened to my bisexual friends before.

I can tell if a woman is beautiful but I've never had sexual attraction or gotten aroused towards a woman before.

Have you ever told your brother how you're bisexual?

I've thought about this a lot today.

Actually I wasn't really clear enough in my previous post and kind of misunderstood your question. Yes, I have been attracted to women but not for over a year. I don't get sexually aroused by women now.

I have considered myself to be bisexual for a long time, but the last year has left me wondering if that's true. I know that there are periods when I have been attracted to women and periods when I've been attracted to men. However, and I know myself in this case, the periods have lasted from weeks to months. The feeling of attraction to men has now lasted over a year, and this is not usual. My "periods" have never been that long. The other thing is the urge. It's never been so strong. Let's say about 2-3 years ago I just accepted my bisexuality as fact of life, no big deal. But the last year has felt different and that's why I emotionally have reacted. This attraction to men is stronger than ever. It feels cemented. I have never before had a period in my life when only men get me sexually aroused. I've always been able to be aroused by both men and women before, but this has changed. So in my case, this has never happened before.

I can tell if a woman is beautiful, but I don't get aroused by women. A bisexual person has the ability to get aroused by both genders, regardless of which period they are in. I know this from my own experience. But what has changed now is the complete lack of sexual arousal towards women. I've always before been "capable" of being aroused by women at least to some degree, even in periods where I'm mostly attracted to men. But I've lost that "capability" for over a year now. This has never happened before.

To be honest, I don't feel like a bisexual anymore. Something has changed in me. Deep inside I feel like I'm fooling myself by saying I'm bisexual. I don't feel comfortable saying it anymore.

This not one of my normal periods. I feel different. Every time I take psychedelics nowadays my subconsciousness tells me I'm trying to hide something (i.e. fooling myself). So what am I fooling or hiding? Sadly I think I know what it is. Shame. Guilt. I feel like I have to be the straight son to my mom so that she can have a grandchilden because her other son is gay. I've subconsciously been trying to forcefully continue to be bisexual. It wasn't until I began doing introspective psychedelic tripping that I realized that I've been forcing myself to live the role as my mothers "last hope". I've successfully lied and cheated myself to believe I still will find a woman. Then I met my true self on trips - there was no escape.

However, the biggest problem still remains. As I've already said I don't feel comfortable speaking about feelings with men. I've never done it. It feels alien to me. I prefer the company of females over males, but I have no sexual attraction to females. How can I have a relationship with a man when I don't even feel I can speak about my feelings with men? This is the dilemma.

I don't have much contact with my brother, and I would feel extremely uncomfortable speaking about this with him.

Another night on MXE without much sleep but with a lot of confusion. I'm too confused to write more right now. Sadly it again seemed I needed to be under the infleuence to write about this. When I'll wake up I always regret I ever wrote anything about this subject. Shame. Guilt.

 

[Unbreakable]

Why not swallow a Viagra & have sex with a women.... ( works well to get a stiffy ) Once i took the fat girl for the team, Viagra sure turned that 250ish pound women into the sexiest thing in the world.... Bet she never got it that good lol

Or you can take some Mdma with a girl & have some good ol' sexy time...( this works well for connecting to the girl)

 

[DrunkardsDream]

I've thought about this a lot today.

Actually I wasn't really clear enough in my previous post and kind of misunderstood your question. Yes, I have been attracted to women but not for over a year. I don't get sexually aroused by women now.

I have considered myself to be bisexual for a long time, but the last year has left me wondering if that's true. I know that there are periods when I have been attracted to women and periods when I've been attracted to men. However, and I know myself in this case, the periods have lasted from weeks to months. The feeling of attraction to men has now lasted over a year, and this is not usual. My "periods" have never been that long. The other thing is the urge. It's never been so strong. Let's say about 2-3 years ago I just accepted my bisexuality as fact of life, no big deal. But the last year has felt different and that's why I emotionally have reacted. This attraction to men is stronger than ever. It feels cemented. I have never before had a period in my life when only men get me sexually aroused. I've always been able to be aroused by both men and women before, but this has changed. So in my case, this has never happened before.

I can tell if a woman is beautiful, but I don't get aroused by women. A bisexual person has the ability to get aroused by both genders, regardless of which period they are in. I know this from my own experience. But what has changed now is the complete lack of sexual arousal towards women. I've always before been "capable" of being aroused by women at least to some degree, even in periods where I'm mostly attracted to men. But I've lost that "capability" for over a year now. This has never happened before.

To be honest, I don't feel like a bisexual anymore. Something has changed in me. Deep inside I feel like I'm fooling myself by saying I'm bisexual. I don't feel comfortable saying it anymore.

This not one of my normal periods. I feel different. Every time I take psychedelics nowadays my subconsciousness tells me I'm trying to hide something (i.e. fooling myself). So what am I fooling or hiding? Sadly I think I know what it is. Shame. Guilt. I feel like I have to be the straight son to my mom so that she can have a grandchilden because her other son is gay. I've subconsciously been trying to forcefully continue to be bisexual. It wasn't until I began doing introspective psychedelic tripping that I realized that I've been forcing myself to live the role as my mothers "last hope". I've successfully lied and cheated myself to believe I still will find a woman. Then I met my true self on trips - there was no escape.

However, the biggest problem still remains. As I've already said I don't feel comfortable speaking about feelings with men. I've never done it. It feels alien to me. I prefer the company of females over males, but I have no sexual attraction to females. How can I have a relationship with a man when I don't even feel I can speak about my feelings with men? This is the dilemma.

I don't have much contact with my brother, and I would feel extremely uncomfortable speaking about this with him.

Another night on MXE without much sleep but with a lot of confusion. I'm too confused to write more right now. Sadly it again seemed I needed to be under the infleuence to write about this. When I'll wake up I always regret I ever wrote anything about this subject. Shame. Guilt.

It still sounds as though you're bisexual.

If you were gay like myself and your brother you wouldn't have ever had any sexual attraction to women at all, or had periods like you described in the past where you said how you were more into women for sexual attraction, and not that sexually attracted to men.

I asked my bisexual friends if they've ever had long periods of time like a year or even more where they were only into one gender, and yes that did happen to them both men and women.

I remember a bisexual female friend of mine was so into women at one point she thought she was lesbian and had a girlfriend who she was with for years, and she's been married to a man for a decade and has a kid.

I'm not sure if using drugs, getting all introspective, and tripping is going to help you.

You should get out and meet men and women, date and have relationships with men and women, and have sex with men and women.

 

[augustaB]

Hi Cyanoide

Your dilemma very much describes my feelings as well.
You might find that if you were to fall in love with a man (and that might happen yet) that your ideas about a relationship with a man will change.
Personally I really enjoy sex with men, but there are an awful lot of men whom I find really boring. Generally speaking I much prefer having women friends.
I think you sound rather like myself, an effeminate bisexual. I have had same sex sex since puberty, but in my early years I tried to deny the fact of this to myself, kidding myself that it only happened because of being in an all-male environment. Once out of that environment I would chase women. Although secretly I would long for male contacts.
I think many bisexuals have this dilemma.
For me personally I can imagine having a relationship with a man, but for my own peace of mind and happiness I would choose one who did his share of the housekeeping and didn't spend his time watching sports on TV.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

@DrunkardsDream

Yes, yes I do get attracted to women sometimes but as the years have gone past the pendulum is more and more swinging towards men. To the point that if I think, fantasize or dream about sex, I'm always with men. If I masturbate or play with toys, I always fantasize it's a man I'm having sex with. I've never had sex with a man though. So obviously in that regard there's things like nervousness and insecurity (I'm not sexually very experienced even with women) when being with a man.

I have had periods when I'm more attracted to a certain gender. Some periods I was mostly attracted to women. But it seems that this is not just an ongoing phase anymore. I've felt like this for a year now and there are no signs of change. So in that sense it's a quite clear case. My confusion stems from the fact that as I said earlier, I have problems imagining myself living in a relationship with a man. I've never talked about feelings or my sexuality with men, and find it hard to do so. I've never had any gay friend either whom I could talk about it with. With women I have no problems speaking about how I feel. That's why I on an emotional level feel more connected to women.

I forgot an important part too. My brother's gay, openly.

Well then you DO have a friend who is gay. Maybe you don't want to talk to them about it because you don't want them to know?

Nonetheless, is your brother the older one? Or vice versa?

I don't have much contact with my brother, and I would feel extremely uncomfortable speaking about this with him.

Because he's your brother, or because he's male, or gay, or both gay and a male? I just don't understand what reason there would be to feel uncomfortable about it. Do you think he'd tell your parents and you don't want that? Or you're not sure what he'd say about it?

 

[axl blaze]

I hate to be so succint; but it sounds as if you will go nowhere with a straight relationship. I know it must be a world of hell to come out (even in this more-liberal-on-the-topic-day-and-age)... but I think that if you don't accept who you are and what you want out of a partner soon - you might go crazy! I can't imagine suppressing such heavy thoughts day in and day out. move to a gay friendly city, and perhaps start getting into that type of scene

I have a feeling you severe social anxiety will be far less crippling if you gave in to your natural thoughts. suppression is not good! one thing I think Freud got right

 

[Raz]

I understand the idea that you can be sexually attracted to guys without relating to them in other ways you would need for a relationship...I'm 35 now, and don't really want to be in a relationship with anyone currently (but that's a different subject altogether).....when I first realised I was attracted to men though, I had no real close ties with men; all my friends were women, all of my relationships which meant anything to me were with women, and aside from the fact that men turned me on, I didn't really relate to other men at all.

It took me quite a few years for this to change, but it did change. I would suggest don't overanalyse it too much, just go with the flow....nobody says you have to declare yourself gay, straight or bi, and you're not doing yourself a disservice if you're not sure where you fit in. Even if you are sure where you fit in and that changes some time down the track, that's still fine...the only person who needs to be okay with your sexuality is you, and there's no rule saying that it has to all fit together neatly in your head at all times..

 

[Jblazingphoenix100]

OP I feel for you in a big way...muchos confusing times - especially with suppression, I know how that feels- for years, I too suppressed my bisexual feelings...but once I just accepted that I love and lust after women, and lust after men, it made it simpler.

Then I thought that I might be gay coz I was having more feelings towards guys than before(was trying to see things in black & white), but really it was just me accepting it more and more- that I like a bit of everything going, but mostly swing towards women.

As Raz said, you don't need to declare yourself as anything, and from my experience I think if you do, you'll cause yourself more confusion, before you're ready to accept your feelings - it sounds to me like you're not quite there.

So all I can see is big love to you dude, you don't need to be anything for your family - you can still have children -just be yourself, go out and meet some guys to dance with, and kiss and cuddle, or mayb have sex with, and just get comfortable with who you think you are...and from the sounds of it, if you're now only attracted to men, then you're either gay, or in a male period of your bisexuality - try sleeping with a beautiful woman again, try sleeping with some men.

With psychedelics you can also convince yourself easily of things which are not completely true, and it takes a while to integrate this - you'll know the olde english phrase of "getting your knickers in a twist" - how often do you take them, if I may ask?

They can be a good indicator, but they're not gospel.

If you're really REALLY not attracted at all to women anymore though, they don't turn your head, or make you think of grabbing their ass and bending them over...well, you have your answer...you just need to accept it.

 

[Cyanoide]

Well then you DO have a friend who is gay. Maybe you don't want to talk to them about it because you don't want them to know?
Nonetheless, is your brother the older one? Or vice versa?

The thing is I don't have a very close relationship with my brother, and I don't get a long with him that well. I don't really trust him. He's 6 years older than me. I like his boyfriend and get along with him much better.

Because he's your brother, or because he's male, or gay, or both gay and a male? I just don't understand what reason there would be to feel uncomfortable about it. Do you think he'd tell your parents and you don't want that? Or you're not sure what he'd say about it?

I think he'll tell my parents. If I want to tell them, it should be my choice. No one else's. Maybe if my relationship to him would be closer and I would trust him I'd feel different.

I do have a few male friends and they would have no problem accepting with my sexuality. Coming out to them wouldn't really be a problem, I just wouldn't want discuss any feelings further with them. Life would go on just like before with them. That would be fine.

I hate to be so succint; but it sounds as if you will go nowhere with a straight relationship. I know it must be a world of hell to come out (even in this more-liberal-on-the-topic-day-and-age)... but I think that if you don't accept who you are and what you want out of a partner soon - you might go crazy! I can't imagine suppressing such heavy thoughts day in and day out. move to a gay friendly city, and perhaps start getting into that type of scene

I can't disagree. Also, I'm actually moving to a new city early on next year (I work in the city alrady but live outside in a small town). Things have to change you're right about that. This can't go on forever.

It took me quite a few years for this to change, but it did change.

May I ask how? This is the biggest problem for me right now, aside from my social anxiety. I don't have many friends and only two are male, the rest are all female. How did you get to the point where it felt natural to relate to men?

With psychedelics you can also convince yourself easily of things which are not completely true, and it takes a while to integrate this - you'll know the olde english phrase of "getting your knickers in a twist" - how often do you take them, if I may ask?

Sometimes 1-2 times every other month or so, sometimes a couple of times a month. I'd say at least once a month, but never every weekend.

I find dissociatives to be the ones that most of all fuck up my mind when it comes to my sexuality. While on them I get great ideas about how to deal with everything, I'm masterminding coming out and planning great things. I have absolutely no problems with my feelings. It's all just fun. Then I wake up and sometimes feel like sh!t, realizing it was just utter nonsense and that reality is far more difficult. Unlike on psychedelics, which have helped me with real self-acceptance because they help me open up new ways to think and handle my problems, although I am aware these realizations are only part of the truth and can be deceptive. Solving my sexuality issue is not the primarly reason I use them (because they also do cause confusion and hence sometimes fear), I know this is an issue I have to solve by myself, without chemicals (albeit I occassionally feel totally at ease with every feeling, every thought and every neuron with psychedelics). But I have to admit I'm maybe putting a little too much hope in trips go give me mental clarity right now. Just becuase I'm seeking it so desperately.

The worst thing with suppression is you're never actually totally successful in it. Then comes feelings like shame, or thoughts like "why I am having these feelings?". "Can't they just go the fuck away?" Then comes the point I'm in now, the feelings are just too strong to ignore or suppress, they stay with me wherever I go and whatever I do (not meaning I'm thinking about it constantly, but you get the point). I've not suppressed being bisexual for a long time anymore, but I've tried to suppress that I'm only attracted by men for a year now. I just can't suppress that feeling, be it a period in my life or not. It might be like you, me accepting more and more, that I long for men. But I've never felt it so strong, and never had the feeling of not being sexually aroused by women. I just want their company, but in non-sexual way.

Jblazingphoenix100 and all you other guys, I just realized I feel comfortable writing about this with men. I don't know if it has to do with realizing there are many other men who feel the same or have gone through the same thing. It's strange but also a strangely comforting feeling. Because I've never felt it before.

I really appreciate you trying to help me out. Your experiences help me relate and (hopefully) see things in a different light. That's a trip by itself. Thanks a lot.

 

[Noodle]

Coming out is a lifelong process. It becomes less and less difficult as time moves on. You may always feel marginalized in some way, but you will meet many people who care little or nothing about the difference in your orientation.

Being brave enough to be yourself really is a liberating experience overall.