Thank you for naming it for what it is. I struggle with it. I desire to align my lust with what and whom I love.
I don't want to outright reject lust, though, because that is unhealthy, and based in guilt. But if I feel guilty about feeling guilty, then I go forward and indulge my lust without giving myself a chance to change how I deal with it.
The plus side is that I have a healthy sexual and emotional libido.
The negative side is that a butt-ton of it is based in dynamics based in insecurity, dominance/submission, and guilt, which have been draining me.
Thanks for saying "lust" and not "fate." Because a part of me wants to believe that f-word.
We are sometimes compelled to engage in a relationship for reasons that we don't fully understand, even though we can identify a lot of the dynamics. The reasons may be temporarily beyond on our knowing and we have to "grow" our way into the answer by continuing to relate.
Not to sound like a pop-therapist too much, but there is something to be said for unconscious motivations. I consider myself a very intellectually and emotionally literate person, so much so that when I got into a lot of my relationships I was sure I knew what I was doing. It wasn't until the relationships ended that I learned about some serious blind spots, which helped me to grow as a person so that my next relationship was even better.
Unfortunately, one thing that has stuck out for me like a sore thumb is that personal/psychological/trauma-based issues that arise in a current relationship are unlikely to be solved by that relationship. The relationship serves to emphasize them so that they can be brought into conscious awareness, but when the relationship is used to exorcise them, it changes the focus of the relationship such that the original joy/passion/unity is lost. A certain kind of love can develop from this where you have respect and gratitude for the person for being your "workshop," but it's not the same as a love relationship where stability was always there.
It's a catch-22 because you can't be made aware of these blind spots unless you attempt relationships, yet the relationships may end up becoming sacrificial because of them. But if you decide to continue the relationship because of how compelling it is, then you still have to go through the process.
Sort of like how ingesting the poison can force you to find the cure if you are earnest enough.
To answer your original question... yes, people can be draining AF in relationships -- instead of filling you up, you walk away depleted. Yes, you can be with someone and not love them, not all relationships are love relationships and other dynamics can be what fuels them. Yes, you can have irreconcilable differences that cannot be communicated no matter how hard you try, forcing you to either agree to disagree or to walk away even though other aspects of the relationship are going great.
And yes, you can ignore that compelling feeling and walk away. All relationships are voluntary and you have free will. Compelling doesn't mean destined. There are plenty of other human beings in this world to create a private universe with. This isn't the only one and doesn't have to be the last.
