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conflicted over 'letting my guard down'

rangrz

rangrz

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 23, 2008
Messages
11,686
Location
Canada eh, we get milk in bags.
I guess lets start with a bit of background/details.

So, I have this friend who've I've known for years. We always had a really close, intimate and kind of unusual friendship. While we've never been
romantic or sexual, we have been very intimate (in the broader, emotional/mental aspect as opposed to physical) and sensual (in that we usually cuddle
and I pet her and we curl up and fall asleep together, but without doing or trying to do anything sexual, nor is it 'friend zone' since we both have S/O's andare cool with that... just a weird close friendship)
There has been some drama between us, but that is not really important now.

Now, basically, this wonderful young lady has been asking me to come visit her for a while now.
She called me tonight while I was at work and again wanted me to come visit/chill. I've been being a cock and blowing her off, mainly
by lying and saying I am working/sick/abducted by aliens/etc... Why? Because she is like the only person I really really let my 'softer' emotions out
around. (BL regulars will note I'm usually a smug, self absorbed, antagonistic prick) Related, I've also been avoiding it because I will end up
stroking her hair and listening to music that is not death metal or old rap. Basically, I am avoiding her because I am having some sort of problem
letting my facade of bad-assery go away for a while.

The thing is; is I really fucking enjoy spending time with her, I like letting out some of the
pent up random shit that I have, I like feeling a little vulnerable/not bullet proof, and I feel so calm and relaxed just hanging out and listening to music, cooking,snuggling, etc. Never the less, I feel almost incapable of doing so.

That, and people get on me over the nature of friendship. (Some dudes will be more or less "Why you hanging with her and shit if you aint gonna fuck her" others will be like "If you two are not romantic, you shouldn't be sharing touch..etc") In as far as their actual arguments go, they can go fuck them selves with a broken bottle; but I do get annoyed by people bitching over me hanging out with someone.

So /b/luelight... any insight or theories as to why I can't seem to let myself do something harmless (actually, something beneficial) that I really enjoy?
Or suggestions on what to do? Man up and go see her? Purge her from my life and carry on avoiding anything expect boasting about how epic I am?
I know it seems trivial, but its really eating me up and causing me to feel really sad. (I really miss my friend, which is making me sad... I've known her 6-7 years and damnit, we have been though a lot and fuck... I am being an emo aint I?)

How to deal with people who decide to interject on my personal affairs?
(Rangrz already knows the throat punch method, I mean something a bit better)

Sorry for this weird post, I just feel ...wtf...
 
^
yes and no... I obviously love my friends, and she is one of my best friends, I'd catch a grenade for her, so yeah, I do love her. But I would not want to date her.
(for many many reasons, I would go batshit insane living with a hipster with an arts degree, so no romance with her!)

The major thing is not our relationship per say, its why can I not simply relax and be open and human with my friend (or ANYONE actually, but I've always been most open and such with her.)
 
I am very similar to you in this regard, and it is something I have always struggled with. It's a sort of preemptive defense mechanism I think, but there's more to it.

Is this the only girl you've been able to be so open with? Have you been in a strong, long-term relationship before? If so, were you able to open up and be emotionally open with your partner?
 
^

Yeah, I've been in LTRs, and yeah I have opened up to my partners. (and to my buddies at times) maybe I should restate a little...
Its easiest to open up with her and generally, I've done so more with her then with other people. But I can and have with other people.

Its probably some sort of defense mechanism, or else just the fact I am kind screwed up in the head, but its threading to harm a long lasting and important friendship, and is preventing me from enjoying something that is nice. It just really sucks, cause I know its silly of me, and I MISS the time I use to spend with her.
(And I feel like a wanker for blowing someone off for 3 months by more or less implying I work 20 hours a day :P )
 
It sounds like a tricky situation. I think, however, that it might be better suited to SLR.

I don't know how I'd sort that one out; good luck to you!
 
i think it's high time you just got over yourself and went to visit your friend, like you promised, as any good, loyal companion would do. seriously, there is no need whatsoever for all this pussy-footin' around....so what, you show her the real you, beneath the 'badass' exterior. as if people don't know it's all a front anyways...besides, fuck what anyone else thinks, they're not a part of the bond you share, so really, unless she's done something to affect you personally, there's no logical reason for you to be holding back?
 
rangrz: I can see where it might go wrong and I sympathize with some of your reservations.

I have ( more than once ) made myself open and vulnerable to someone, only to be told I am too soft, effeminate, not manly, strong enough, etc.

Now I just walk away from that kind of criticism. I imagine this might be something you would rather not do, as you value what you have with this person and you do not want to muddle things up?

I have also met people who are oppositional, in the sense that once you switch up your approach they deny or ignore your attempts at something more substantial.

:)
 
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In addition:

I wouldn't worry about what your bros, or whomever, have to say. Because, it isn't their concern. It sometimes really irks me how meddlesome and myopic people can be when it comes to other people and their interpersonal relationships.

I've been told I expect too much of people. That may be true, but I like to think I try to live my own life by my own standards.
 
The reason I posted it in TDS was cause I thought since it is mostly a problem with me/in my head...not so much to do with the other
person, that it was not totally relationship/interpersonal. But fair enough to move to SLR; I just figured I'd explain.

Hyroller: Its not that I have not done so before, as I said, we've been friends for 6 or 7 years. Its just in like the past 3 months, I've found myself oddly inhibited in
that manner.

Noodle: yeah, good point about who cares what everyone else thinks... esp since I did not really care before.

thanks for the feedback /b/l... I think yeah, you guys are right, time to ruck up and stop being a douche.
 
I think the greatest thing about human relationships is their variety. Unless abuse is going on in a relationship I don't think anyone's opinions are called for. Some of the best relationships in my life defy clear definition and I think a lot of people shortchange themselves by trying to fit things in pre-boxed ideas of both themselves and the nature or definition of the relationship. The beauty of friends is that we can be different with different people. I have friends of all ages and I love that each one of them brings out a different side of me. IMO you have a great friend in this woman and you should maybe work on your own discomfort with showing the side of yourself she elicits in you. It's all you. Feeling like you have to be one way or another takes all the fluidity out of life. Take swimming lessons?=D
 
^

Absolutely. In my opinion that mindset explains my polyamorous leanings. The rub is that I feel that I may be hardwired to want to simplify things and place all of my relationships into separate, yet compatible, compartments. Sometimes I want just to hold on tight to the positive and rewarding aspects of those connections.



:)
 
Noodle, your explanation of "polyamorous leanings" is well done. I remain the monogamous type, but if I were to find that polyamory suited me, I'd like it to be as you described.

Rangrz, I think you should go see your friend and see where it leads from there without any expectations beyond having a nice day/evening together. If you'd really catch a grenade for her (isn't that from a Bruno Mars song, lay off the pop music ;)) it might just be worth an hour of listening to Fall Out Boy and perhaps even learning from someone who is different from you. Placing self or others into categories tends to be counterproductive. If the two of you enjoy each others' company, why not simply enjoy your time together without expectations? Incompatible music tastes needn't be a deal-breaker. Perhaps it would be fun to check out a live show of an artist neither of you have seen before? There's a lot of really awesome new electronic music of various genres over which you might find common ground.

Have a coffee/drink with your friend with some tunes you both like. I think you'll both enjoy catching up with each other.

As to inhibition? You've been under a lot of stress. We know. OK. That needn't prohibit you from having some fun with your friend, even if it's catching up.

Hope it goes well for you - please follow up.
Good luch
 
so, I sucked it up and went... basically, yeah... it was just me a)being a smug, self satisfied wank and b) a function of 'a' ranking people into questionable and
arbitrary taxonomic trees.The trees being based upon such profound and fundamental morphological findings like the relative snugness of their pants. c) ranking
the validity of people based upon their location in my tree structure.

As it went, we hung out, made a late lunch and did some methylone (there we go, its a good cure for conceitedknobism)... I will say, for anyone else who does this,
putting people into categories based on superficial meaningless criteria is 'considered harmful' and may prevent one from enjoying things.

Noodle: you did a good job at explaining polyamourous feelings.
 
I'm late on the scene but glad you went rangrz. Noodle and I are on opposite spectrums (I think) on dating ideals, but I love reading his thoughts on this stuff. My question is have you been fucked over before? I mean, badly? I was less guarded and hard when I was younger, but I got hurt a few times before, so I think I lean more towards men sometimes that I don't care if I lose them. Basically, I now date people who are more into me than I am into them. My new guy is distant himself from a past bad relationship, so one of the troubles I have is that now we are both guarded.

I think you should ask yourself when you are being a jerk to her is if she stopped calling or finally gave up, would it upset you and would you feel a hole or emptiness that she is no longer around? Sometimes, we can push people away and be assholes to them until they are gone and it isn't until then that we realize we're assholes and made a huge mistake. I would avoid this, because you can be friendly and close to someone and still set boundaries.
 
Yay for going, rangrz!

I find myself denying myself social time when I'm in a depressed/crappy mood. I find a million excuses: don't feel well, some people are lame, not in the mood for this or that kind of music... Blah. I especially find myself denying myself those activities that would be best suited to elevate my mood. Having noted this fact, I try to "force" myself to be social, or hang out with "good" people when I feel a little off.
 
lysys said:
I think you should ask yourself when you are being a jerk to her is if she stopped calling or finally gave up, would it upset you and would you feel a hole or emptiness that she is no longer around? Sometimes, we can push people away and be assholes to them until they are gone and it isn't until then that we realize we're assholes and made a huge mistake.
Click to expand...

Would be devistated if she stopped calling... We got on it serious fight before and did not talk for months... I swear I felt shooting my self....Since I was 17, we've told each other our deepest secrets and we've always been there for each other. It would be a huge heavy regret to carry... I'd much rather make lunch, drink wine and then watch a movie/cuddle then be alone!

I have been fucked over bfore in relationships, but I do not think its the case in this matter.

DragonLady: I get the feel the same stuff at times. I'm gonna suggest like the thread did, and what I did. Just go see them. It made me so happy do it, maybe it will do so you too?

Thanks your insigh Lysis and DL
 
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It's a funny thing, how we always like to pigeon hole our relationships with other human beings.

There are many different kinds of love, and you love your friend and have tender feelings towards her. She makes you feel safe, you feel able to be yourself around her and put down your carefully constructed self image. This is perhaps frightening to you because it leaves you feeling exposed and vulnerable, but it also means you're connecting with your "true self" and as we grow older we can (hopefully) let down our guard, be less controlled and become more of who we really are. Sadly, this doesn't always match our pre-conceived sense of who we think we should be, but that's something you can learn to let go of as you become more comfortable with who you are underneath. Maybe you're just not ready yet to show it to anyone except her, maybe not even to yourself...

And on the subject of love, I'm in an open relationship and as well as being able to sleep with other people, there's the issue of having feelings for other people. What me and my bf feel towards each other is unique, solid and extremely powerful. But we also accept that we will have feelings outside of the relationship. Interestingly, he has very strong feelings towards a girl he doesn't even sleep with anymore, but they obviously care about each other a great deal and see each other once a week. I have tender strong feelings towards a few men in my life, not all of whom I am sexual with. And being with my bf and one of his lovers over the weekend, it was really heart warming to see him being close to another person in this way... our capacity to love can't be pigeon holed, and the way you love her may just be what it is. Don't try to define it, and I join you in despairing at everyone else's constant search for a definition. Just enjoy the connection you two share, if you can allow yourself to let go a little.
 
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