JackBurton89
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2013
- Messages
- 56
I live in Nassau County Long Island and have been using opiates for the last five years, and shooting heroin for the last four.
I have been two detox twice, did about half of a 28 day program twice, due to my insurance, and completed a 90 day program, and went back last year and was there about six weeks, again because my insurance did not want to pay. In December I applied for Medicaid insurance to initially help me cover the copayments from insurance for outpatient treatment. I'll admit that the majority of the time I went to treatment, inpatient and absolutely outpatient for legal reasons. I had a pending case and I got 60 days/three years probation for a DWAI Drugs (unclassified misdemeanor) and possession of heroin (A misdemeanor) in Dec 2011 and finally plead guilty in December 2013. I was arrested again last May, and charged with possession of cocaine (A misdemeanor) and resisting arrest (A misdemeanor) Basically I was waiting for my dope guy to re-up and was driving around with this guy I met a few weeks prior. When he picked me up he was doing coke and he asked me if I wanted to get some while we waited. I had about half a gram, which he bought, and did a couple of shots while I was waiting for him to do something at his job and also my guy to be good. Finally we said fuck it and he was driving me home after I just did the last of the coke in a 7/11 parking lot. It took me a while to hit so my arm was bloody and fucked up. He told me to through out the pin (he didn't shoot up, he snorted) but I saved it just in case. We pulled out of the parking lot and he made a right opposite of where I lived. He made another right and picked up his phone and before I could even ask him what he was doing there were lights in the rearview mirror. Keep in mind I just did a decent sized shot of coke. At first I just thought it was regular cops but then I saw it was a taxi and the cops were in plain clothes. The cop asked me a couple questions and asked me to step outside of the car. It was warm out so I didn't have a jacket so he see my arms where all fucked up. I did not have anything on me except a used to shit pin. Also, when I used to go cop I would wear briefs under my boxers so if cops searched me and told me the run my fingers around the band of my boxers either my drugs or needles were out of sight. It worked for me before, but I believe the kid who HAD probably less than a $20 piece on him told the cops I had a needle on me. They made me strip down to just my boxers in the middle of the street, a side road with not much traffic. They kept questioning me and over and over I denied having anything on me and even said I used at home and just walked out the door so my arm was fucked up. Finally the cop stuck a pen under my boxers and saw the needle. He signaled to his partner and grabbed the back of my head and smashed my face on this kids trunk and once I hit the ground the other cop ran other and the kicked the shit out of me. They handcuffed me and made me get dressed with the cuffs on.
The worst part was when I asked the cop if he could grab my glasses he proceeded to walk over and slowly step on them and crack them up pretty bad, the lenses fell out and the frame broke. They told me if I would have just gave them the needle I would be on my way home. Normally I would have but I was bugged out from the coke and I had just watched the day before a video from some college professor speaking about illegal searches and what not. Anyway they said I wasn't going to go to detention and just get a desk appearance ticket, but because they charged me with resisting arrest I had to get arraigned. They called my judge who I had seen about two weeks prior in a Homegoods after I relapsed and got high in their bathroom on a Saturday morning a few towns away after leaving my outpatient. Before he saw me I was going to get time served and no probation but then he offered me one year or go inpatient. I called and did a phone screening with a 90 day program and honestly didn't ask for a bed ate because I wanted to keep getting high and I didn't have court for another few weeks. Since I got arrested again the judge made me plead guilty on my next court date. I had legal aid and had been going to court for the past two years. I had some fresh out of law school lawyer and I believe now she just wanted some practice because she convinced my mother and I that I should go to trial. We did preliminary steps like a Huntley hearing and for the past few years I had kept moving from one outpatient to another and went to a 28 day program. After I got clean at one point I realized there was no way I could win especially in Nassau County, so I wanted it to be finally done with but since I got arrested again he raised my bail to $10k to keep me in there for three weeks until my bed was ready. I got out of the program after about six weeks because my insurance only paid for a small amount of treatment. I didn't have a court date until almost two months later because I was supposed to get out around then. I was referred to probation and had to go there to do a PSI (presentence investigation) I was clean for about three weeks then relapsed. I was going to an outpatient where they did not watch you urinate so I would just save my own urine when I was clean or get it from friends, or if I had to, buy it. I went to court in August and the judge was happy that my reports where stellar especially due to the fact I barely did any time in inpatient. He said come back in two months and if your report is like this one we will take care of this matter. No probation, time served. Meanwhile my grandfather was sick with cancer and passed a week after my last court date in August. My father, who I don't live with (parents discovered for 17 years) had never seen me high on anything except weed, and only a few times. I used Monday night and the funeral was Wednesday morning. He picked me up really early and since I was starting to get sick I was up from the night before. I was fine all day, apparently at dinner I was falling asleep and someone (my cousin I believe) videotaped me. My dad thought I was high and he called my outpatient and told them I was getting high a few weeks later with two weeks before my court date where I would have been done. I denied it but my counselor wanted me to come in but I didn't because my urine was clean. I went to a crisis center to detox since my insurance at the time doesn't cover opiate detox. I went back to court and the judge refused to let me take the jail time (he was friends with my moms boyfriend of 17 years sister) and also he came to know me for the fact I must have seen him in court 20 or more times. I even asked for six months but he refused. Probation didn't contact me for six weeks and have been struggling since then. My PO is so nice and won't test me if I tell him I used and didn't even violate me for leaving a program against medical advice.
I have taken methadone before from a friend who would see me his take homes (for sundays) for very cheap. I believe his dose was 100 mg and I would take the whole thing in one shot. The first few times I took the methadone (once a week on saturdays for about two months) I got really high and I liked it. I ended up getting dope one time and didn't even care about doing it. I have been on suboxone before four years ago and it was nowhere as good at keeping my cravings at bay. I get my license back June 20th and since it was for driving with ability impaired by drugs (heroin, tried to detox myself and on day four caved picked up a bun and did my normal four bag shot and passed out a few seconds after pulling out of a parking lot and crashed into a parked work van, thank God i didn't hit anyone and came away with a concussion. My glasses came off after I'm assuming the airbag deployed and I had six bags in the cupholder along with four empties and a needle and was a little dazed so I didn't know it was only an EMT and not the cops or I would have looked for my Glasses and got myself together and grab the work but I opened the door and the EMT pulled me out and threw me in the ambulance and tried to give me narcan which I refused. I got to the hospital and told them I had taken suboxone. The cops showed up and wanted my blood. I wanted to speak to a lawyer about it because they handed me a sheet the said if you refused the blood test your license can be revoked and you would be subject to other penalties as well.If I submitted to it my license would be suspended.
I sat there for almost an hour debating it and kept asking to speak to a lawyer, but, unfortunately I was in the emergency room. I ended up submitting to it thinking I need my license to go cop and I'm fucked either way.They gave me an ativan drip which in combination with the dope felt amazing. Before that though, they tried to put a fucking catheter in me but since I was really doped up my urethra was tight and then couldn't get it in. I'm awake and lucid for all this for your information. The girl who did it was super hot though, which I did tell her "You're hot as hell but I'm not gonna let you stick that shit in my dick, so they gave me a shot of ativan and I was in heaven. I was arraigned the next day and charged with DWAI drugs and possession in the seventh degree, reckless driving, failure to stay in a single lane, and they fucking said I didn't have my seatbelt on. My bail was $1000 and I didn't get bailed out for five weeks. I got out and kept getting high and it got worse and then I started selling stuff and fucked up school and I can't imagine how many bags I gave people, this one kid in particular to drive me to MY own connects (I knew this kid from HS who used to do dope and was messing around with pills at the time, who was going to the same college and was in my class. I gave him the connect because I figured I was going to stop.) It has to be between 2k-3k which I could have used to get a real lawyer and/or get my license back sooner.
The above is just a miniscule part of my five year nightmare/love affair with heroin. I am so conflicted about the Methadone program. I don't have my license until next month but I don't even know if I can even get insurance meanwhile afford it with three accidents on my record and a DWAI. My sister couldn't even get insurance at my house and had to use my fathers address. I know it was because of me but I'm not sure if they fact the my license was suspended at the time was significant or it was just everything in general. I have thought about going to one of a few different clinics. There is one about 15 mins in a car in Queens, which I could reach by taking two busses. Another one in Long Island which I am trying to get into for just a detox right now. I'm not sure if I can even get a bus there even though it's closer than the one in Queens. There are a few in Manhattan that I could go to. One by the NEw York Hotel and other on Spring and Lafayette. I have heard there is one near Jamaica train station, and I have heard it's closed or open. That would be better I could take the train for 15 mins right to Jamaica station and it would be a lot cheaper than paying for a roundtrip ticket during peak hours five or six days a week. If I had a car it would be different but that's only part of it. I don't have a really bad habit right now. I just can't stay clean though and Methadone Maintenance is one thing I have not tried. It sucks because Methadone has such a bad stigma attached to it. For example my stepfather said he would rather see me keep fucking around with dope and get clean eventually then go on the Methadone program because he believes people get addicted to that and stay on it forever. I am very sensitive when it comes to withdrawal. I can deal with many of the symptoms but what always gets me is the cold sweats and that creepy crawly feeling, which for me is the first to come on and the last to leave. I keep thinking in my head I will wanna get off at some point and when I come off I will feel that way for months due to methadones love half life.
Does anyone have any feedback for me I am sorry about the long long vent. After I wrote it I was going to delete it because it really just served me therapeutically but if someone takes the time to read it and gets something out of it or can give me better advice because of the information then I have succeeded. Long time or new methadone users please give me some feedback on your situation. I'll be honest I want to stop craziness that is my life due to my heroin addiction but I still want to get high. I like how opiates make me feel. They let me relax and curb some of my anxiety. Does that happen on Methadone as well even after a few months? I'm just scared, there was a point where I had a lot of money and a great connect where I just leave my house and grab a bundle of amazing dope and not worry about needing to find money. At this point I was super depressed though. I haven't felt this way since then (fall 2011) Since i got arrested, so 2012 until present I never really had more than a few days where I wasn't sick for a period. Not being able to do it all the time made it that much better when I finally got that relief, but is methadone like that? Will I get high for a little bit and then just get depressed? I am so lost about what to do. I live with my mom and we lived in my grandparents house and there in Florida. My grandfather has dementia and apparently is getting worse every day so my family is afraid that if he goes into a home they would take this house in NY to pay for his treatment so my mom wants to sell the house. If I don't find a job right away and need to live in a sober home can I live in one and be on Methadone? I also really really love shooting cocaine. I figured, not that I want to but I would need to get my needle fixation somewhere and I don't wanna get into that again. It is so dangerous I have had many close calls where I lost my sight for 10 seconds and almost seized out. I try to get off dope then shoot coke then I needle dope to come down I would have taken a benzo but I didn't have them and since I am drug tested aren't sure about the time it stays in your urine.
I know this is more like a journal then a question on a forum but whatever you guys can do for me I would appreciate it.
I have been two detox twice, did about half of a 28 day program twice, due to my insurance, and completed a 90 day program, and went back last year and was there about six weeks, again because my insurance did not want to pay. In December I applied for Medicaid insurance to initially help me cover the copayments from insurance for outpatient treatment. I'll admit that the majority of the time I went to treatment, inpatient and absolutely outpatient for legal reasons. I had a pending case and I got 60 days/three years probation for a DWAI Drugs (unclassified misdemeanor) and possession of heroin (A misdemeanor) in Dec 2011 and finally plead guilty in December 2013. I was arrested again last May, and charged with possession of cocaine (A misdemeanor) and resisting arrest (A misdemeanor) Basically I was waiting for my dope guy to re-up and was driving around with this guy I met a few weeks prior. When he picked me up he was doing coke and he asked me if I wanted to get some while we waited. I had about half a gram, which he bought, and did a couple of shots while I was waiting for him to do something at his job and also my guy to be good. Finally we said fuck it and he was driving me home after I just did the last of the coke in a 7/11 parking lot. It took me a while to hit so my arm was bloody and fucked up. He told me to through out the pin (he didn't shoot up, he snorted) but I saved it just in case. We pulled out of the parking lot and he made a right opposite of where I lived. He made another right and picked up his phone and before I could even ask him what he was doing there were lights in the rearview mirror. Keep in mind I just did a decent sized shot of coke. At first I just thought it was regular cops but then I saw it was a taxi and the cops were in plain clothes. The cop asked me a couple questions and asked me to step outside of the car. It was warm out so I didn't have a jacket so he see my arms where all fucked up. I did not have anything on me except a used to shit pin. Also, when I used to go cop I would wear briefs under my boxers so if cops searched me and told me the run my fingers around the band of my boxers either my drugs or needles were out of sight. It worked for me before, but I believe the kid who HAD probably less than a $20 piece on him told the cops I had a needle on me. They made me strip down to just my boxers in the middle of the street, a side road with not much traffic. They kept questioning me and over and over I denied having anything on me and even said I used at home and just walked out the door so my arm was fucked up. Finally the cop stuck a pen under my boxers and saw the needle. He signaled to his partner and grabbed the back of my head and smashed my face on this kids trunk and once I hit the ground the other cop ran other and the kicked the shit out of me. They handcuffed me and made me get dressed with the cuffs on.
The worst part was when I asked the cop if he could grab my glasses he proceeded to walk over and slowly step on them and crack them up pretty bad, the lenses fell out and the frame broke. They told me if I would have just gave them the needle I would be on my way home. Normally I would have but I was bugged out from the coke and I had just watched the day before a video from some college professor speaking about illegal searches and what not. Anyway they said I wasn't going to go to detention and just get a desk appearance ticket, but because they charged me with resisting arrest I had to get arraigned. They called my judge who I had seen about two weeks prior in a Homegoods after I relapsed and got high in their bathroom on a Saturday morning a few towns away after leaving my outpatient. Before he saw me I was going to get time served and no probation but then he offered me one year or go inpatient. I called and did a phone screening with a 90 day program and honestly didn't ask for a bed ate because I wanted to keep getting high and I didn't have court for another few weeks. Since I got arrested again the judge made me plead guilty on my next court date. I had legal aid and had been going to court for the past two years. I had some fresh out of law school lawyer and I believe now she just wanted some practice because she convinced my mother and I that I should go to trial. We did preliminary steps like a Huntley hearing and for the past few years I had kept moving from one outpatient to another and went to a 28 day program. After I got clean at one point I realized there was no way I could win especially in Nassau County, so I wanted it to be finally done with but since I got arrested again he raised my bail to $10k to keep me in there for three weeks until my bed was ready. I got out of the program after about six weeks because my insurance only paid for a small amount of treatment. I didn't have a court date until almost two months later because I was supposed to get out around then. I was referred to probation and had to go there to do a PSI (presentence investigation) I was clean for about three weeks then relapsed. I was going to an outpatient where they did not watch you urinate so I would just save my own urine when I was clean or get it from friends, or if I had to, buy it. I went to court in August and the judge was happy that my reports where stellar especially due to the fact I barely did any time in inpatient. He said come back in two months and if your report is like this one we will take care of this matter. No probation, time served. Meanwhile my grandfather was sick with cancer and passed a week after my last court date in August. My father, who I don't live with (parents discovered for 17 years) had never seen me high on anything except weed, and only a few times. I used Monday night and the funeral was Wednesday morning. He picked me up really early and since I was starting to get sick I was up from the night before. I was fine all day, apparently at dinner I was falling asleep and someone (my cousin I believe) videotaped me. My dad thought I was high and he called my outpatient and told them I was getting high a few weeks later with two weeks before my court date where I would have been done. I denied it but my counselor wanted me to come in but I didn't because my urine was clean. I went to a crisis center to detox since my insurance at the time doesn't cover opiate detox. I went back to court and the judge refused to let me take the jail time (he was friends with my moms boyfriend of 17 years sister) and also he came to know me for the fact I must have seen him in court 20 or more times. I even asked for six months but he refused. Probation didn't contact me for six weeks and have been struggling since then. My PO is so nice and won't test me if I tell him I used and didn't even violate me for leaving a program against medical advice.
I have taken methadone before from a friend who would see me his take homes (for sundays) for very cheap. I believe his dose was 100 mg and I would take the whole thing in one shot. The first few times I took the methadone (once a week on saturdays for about two months) I got really high and I liked it. I ended up getting dope one time and didn't even care about doing it. I have been on suboxone before four years ago and it was nowhere as good at keeping my cravings at bay. I get my license back June 20th and since it was for driving with ability impaired by drugs (heroin, tried to detox myself and on day four caved picked up a bun and did my normal four bag shot and passed out a few seconds after pulling out of a parking lot and crashed into a parked work van, thank God i didn't hit anyone and came away with a concussion. My glasses came off after I'm assuming the airbag deployed and I had six bags in the cupholder along with four empties and a needle and was a little dazed so I didn't know it was only an EMT and not the cops or I would have looked for my Glasses and got myself together and grab the work but I opened the door and the EMT pulled me out and threw me in the ambulance and tried to give me narcan which I refused. I got to the hospital and told them I had taken suboxone. The cops showed up and wanted my blood. I wanted to speak to a lawyer about it because they handed me a sheet the said if you refused the blood test your license can be revoked and you would be subject to other penalties as well.If I submitted to it my license would be suspended.
I sat there for almost an hour debating it and kept asking to speak to a lawyer, but, unfortunately I was in the emergency room. I ended up submitting to it thinking I need my license to go cop and I'm fucked either way.They gave me an ativan drip which in combination with the dope felt amazing. Before that though, they tried to put a fucking catheter in me but since I was really doped up my urethra was tight and then couldn't get it in. I'm awake and lucid for all this for your information. The girl who did it was super hot though, which I did tell her "You're hot as hell but I'm not gonna let you stick that shit in my dick, so they gave me a shot of ativan and I was in heaven. I was arraigned the next day and charged with DWAI drugs and possession in the seventh degree, reckless driving, failure to stay in a single lane, and they fucking said I didn't have my seatbelt on. My bail was $1000 and I didn't get bailed out for five weeks. I got out and kept getting high and it got worse and then I started selling stuff and fucked up school and I can't imagine how many bags I gave people, this one kid in particular to drive me to MY own connects (I knew this kid from HS who used to do dope and was messing around with pills at the time, who was going to the same college and was in my class. I gave him the connect because I figured I was going to stop.) It has to be between 2k-3k which I could have used to get a real lawyer and/or get my license back sooner.
The above is just a miniscule part of my five year nightmare/love affair with heroin. I am so conflicted about the Methadone program. I don't have my license until next month but I don't even know if I can even get insurance meanwhile afford it with three accidents on my record and a DWAI. My sister couldn't even get insurance at my house and had to use my fathers address. I know it was because of me but I'm not sure if they fact the my license was suspended at the time was significant or it was just everything in general. I have thought about going to one of a few different clinics. There is one about 15 mins in a car in Queens, which I could reach by taking two busses. Another one in Long Island which I am trying to get into for just a detox right now. I'm not sure if I can even get a bus there even though it's closer than the one in Queens. There are a few in Manhattan that I could go to. One by the NEw York Hotel and other on Spring and Lafayette. I have heard there is one near Jamaica train station, and I have heard it's closed or open. That would be better I could take the train for 15 mins right to Jamaica station and it would be a lot cheaper than paying for a roundtrip ticket during peak hours five or six days a week. If I had a car it would be different but that's only part of it. I don't have a really bad habit right now. I just can't stay clean though and Methadone Maintenance is one thing I have not tried. It sucks because Methadone has such a bad stigma attached to it. For example my stepfather said he would rather see me keep fucking around with dope and get clean eventually then go on the Methadone program because he believes people get addicted to that and stay on it forever. I am very sensitive when it comes to withdrawal. I can deal with many of the symptoms but what always gets me is the cold sweats and that creepy crawly feeling, which for me is the first to come on and the last to leave. I keep thinking in my head I will wanna get off at some point and when I come off I will feel that way for months due to methadones love half life.
Does anyone have any feedback for me I am sorry about the long long vent. After I wrote it I was going to delete it because it really just served me therapeutically but if someone takes the time to read it and gets something out of it or can give me better advice because of the information then I have succeeded. Long time or new methadone users please give me some feedback on your situation. I'll be honest I want to stop craziness that is my life due to my heroin addiction but I still want to get high. I like how opiates make me feel. They let me relax and curb some of my anxiety. Does that happen on Methadone as well even after a few months? I'm just scared, there was a point where I had a lot of money and a great connect where I just leave my house and grab a bundle of amazing dope and not worry about needing to find money. At this point I was super depressed though. I haven't felt this way since then (fall 2011) Since i got arrested, so 2012 until present I never really had more than a few days where I wasn't sick for a period. Not being able to do it all the time made it that much better when I finally got that relief, but is methadone like that? Will I get high for a little bit and then just get depressed? I am so lost about what to do. I live with my mom and we lived in my grandparents house and there in Florida. My grandfather has dementia and apparently is getting worse every day so my family is afraid that if he goes into a home they would take this house in NY to pay for his treatment so my mom wants to sell the house. If I don't find a job right away and need to live in a sober home can I live in one and be on Methadone? I also really really love shooting cocaine. I figured, not that I want to but I would need to get my needle fixation somewhere and I don't wanna get into that again. It is so dangerous I have had many close calls where I lost my sight for 10 seconds and almost seized out. I try to get off dope then shoot coke then I needle dope to come down I would have taken a benzo but I didn't have them and since I am drug tested aren't sure about the time it stays in your urine.
I know this is more like a journal then a question on a forum but whatever you guys can do for me I would appreciate it.
