Mental Health Compulsive cluttering?

[puking]

I was at a chatroom which was an online meeting from a 12 step fellowship and someone mentioned that he had begun to go to another meeting called "Clutterers Anonymous". I'm not a native English speaker, so I had some doubts about the meaning of the world "clutter". I searched it on google cause I was curious to see what it was. I clicked on the "Am I a cluter?" link, where there is some diagnose questions cause I wanted to know what the hell it was. I didn't even think it was something that my apply to me. I began to read the questions I suddenly I found myself saying yes, yes , YES! It blew me away. I only said no to one question in the text and another one I didn't answer because I think it is a bit of a rhetorical question.

I have always been an extremely disorganized person since childhood. I have also quite a weakness for objects I don't really need. I acquire a lot of stuff and I end up not using it and I st stowing it. No, I'm not one of those hoarders that have a mountain of stinking stuff with cats crawling on top of it but it's really hard to walk in my bedroom without stumbling on some shit. I'm often late for work because I can find my keys, my socks or whatever. Tomorrow I'm gonna have to go to work on foot because I've been trying to find my keys for hours with no success. Sometimes I buy stuff that I already have only because it's easier to just buy it again than to find the ones I already have.

Physical stuff is not the only thing that I clutter. I also clutter information. I read a lot of stuff with information that I'm probably never gonna use. I'm a junkie for useless knowledge. I believe that it's the source of my ADHD. It's really hard for me to sit down with a book and study it for more than 20 minutes if what is in the book is some information that really MATTERS, like study for an exam. Procrastination has took a hold of me that it is just unbelievable. It's like, I can't do anything at all.


My whole life is a bunch of unfinished projects, unfinished matters because I never finish anything that I start. The damage this caused to my life is comparable to a drug addiction. The resulting brain fog, forgetfulness and lack of concentration not only have destroyed my capacity to have a career that I'm proud of, it has nearly killed me a couple of time because of me being so distracted. It has hurt me several times in motorbike and bicycle crashes. It has caused me to step on a nail in my own bedroom. It slash myself with cutting objects many times. It made me become such an isolated individual that to say that I have no friends is an understatement. I don't even have acquaintances. Needless to say I don't have a girlfriend and never had one.



The daily rituals of self-care, like taking a shower, brushing my teeth, sitting down and eating a meal, getting dressed, all stuff that most people do effortlessly, for me are daunting tasks. I often go two, three days without showering and don't even notice. I skip meals almost every day which has caused me to be very thin.

The only thing that reduces this problem a bit is drinking alcohol or taking some benzos, but alcohol it is more effective. It gets rid of the brain fog a little and motivates me to do stuff. I drank daily for 22 months but I quit in October 2013 to start a four month period of total abstinence. The tolerance was getting out of hand. In this period of abstinence from alcohol the cluttering problem has gotten worse than ever. Thank God in 12 days my period of abstinence is over and I will resume drinking. No, I really don't think I'm an alcoholic because I never drink to the point of black outs or to become stupid. I just drink to reduce the brain fog, the paralysis that I feel.

I feel like I'm the only person in this world who has such problems. I feel like such a weakling and that nobody understands me. Does any one relate?

 

[missmeyet?]

Im curious as to your age? Have you seen a doctor/psych for any issues to do with these problems? On any type of meds? You mentioned ADHD..

 

[puking]

Im curious as to your age? Have you seen a doctor/psych for any issues to do with these problems? On any type of meds? You mentioned ADHD..

I'm 23. I went for the first time in adult life last year. I went to therapy for 4 months. Therapy seemed like the worst waste of time ever. It was just like one of those talks about the meaning of life at 4AM when everybody is stoned/drunk. I got out of each session more angry than when I went in. I've been prescribed Lexapro 10 mg a day but I don't take it. I really don't know what can solve my problems (if there is anything).

 

[nuttynutskin]

Sounds like OCD, ADD or both. I hear a lot of people recommend CBT therapy but I don't really know a whole lot about it.

 

[spork]

It sounds like your therapist just wasn't right for you. Finding the right therapist can be very difficult, but it's so worth it when you do find the right one. Look for someone that specializes in OCD and as nutty mentioned, cognitive behavioral therapy. Getting therapy for this will be more beneficial and more of a long-term solution rather than self-medicating with alcohol or benzos. You're not alone in this!

 

[puking]

and as nutty mentioned, cognitive behavioral therapy.

Mine was an Existential Therapist. Any thought on existential therapy?

 

[herbavore]

I've never heard of an existential therapist but right off the bat that sounds like what you described, a deep talk about life. I think what you may need is someone far more practical though I have to admit that I would love to go see the existential therapist myself!

What you have described sounds very much like me. I am so distracted that I lose things constantly, start one task and get sidetracked into 10 others and find it next to impossible to concentrate at all on reading anything longer than a short article for information (fiction and poetry, no problem, I can read for hours). All of this, I am told is ADD. Okay. It isn't really useful to me to think of myself having a disorder so I just ignore the label and get on with the delicate balance of adapting and accepting my nature and personality and the way my brain works.

Adapting means that if I want the information from the books I find it impossible to read that I get them in an audio form. Adapting means that I have one place and one place only that I hang my keys right by the door. Does that mean I remember to hang them there every time? No, but it has helped immensely and it feels empowering to train myself and actually see results. Adapting means that I found passion and career that fits my brain. All those things that are negatives--distraction, unfocused daydreaming, jumping from one thing to another are positives as well in just about every creative field. I have been an artist and art teacher for children and adults for many years now. In my work as a teacher I am an independent contractor that goes into schools and teaches various ages which means that I have lots of variety in my work. I still have trouble with schedules, keeping all my classes work organized etc, but I think the reason schools value my work is that my mind is constantly jumping all over the place and the work I do with the kids is always new and never the same old grade school art. When an aspect of work gives me trouble I have to figure out strategies to keep my tendencies for chaos in check. But the accepting part of the balance is a recognition that my creativity is tied to this nature of mine and that the tendency of the modern world to say that it is a disorder and frame it as something wholly undesirable and unhealthy is simply because we don't live in a world that can easily encompass the "mess" and chaos that is creativity. You do not have to be an artist to be creative. Creative minds move all fields of study forward--from math to medicine and anything else you can think of.

Where OCD, or anxiety, might come into this is in an inability to let things go--a need to somehow control the chaos. The irony that we make the chaos while trying to subconsciously control it is funny to me but not so funny to live with. This is where a good practical therapist--or even a good self-help book on the subject--can be life changing.

What kinds of work are you interested in? Are you an artist of any type?

Here is a link to a good book to read that I found when they diagnosed my sons with ADHD and ADD. It put a lot in perspective for me a presented a practical and hopeful strategic map.

 

[PowerFarts]

I have an ADD problem about and what you wrote, I almost thought I should check to see If I am reading something that I wrote.
You just have to learn to live with piles of dirty dishes and clutter obstacle courses.

You try to change, the disorder won't let you, won't let you focus on change. How many times have I made a plan 'I will pick up and put away 5 things today', No matter how strong my resolve, the plan usually lasts a day.

A pocket organizer or a check list, forget it, I will forget to use it

 

[herbavore]

^ and ^^ I think it is also very useful to recognize that changing or not is dependent on how much we actually value the change we think we want. We may want to be more organized, lead a less cluttered life, be disciplined, change our diet, be thinner, read up on history more...the list goes on and on for most of us; things we genuinely wish were different and perceive as improving our lives. There is a saying that goes: "People rarely change because they see the light. They change when they feel the heat."

This is often true. So when you lose things all the time and it annoys you and negatively affects your life you may genuinely want to change. But if you lose your keys one time too many and you lose your job over it, that may become the devastating outcome that causes you to finally take action and make the change.

I can empathize with powerfarts in that I intend to change my ways a lot, come up with "strategies' that end up lasting one or two weeks at best and then I feel helpless. the fact is, I am not helpless, I just haven't really made it my focus to change the habit because I haven't really embraced the importance of doing so. If I truly wanted my room to be cleaner, I would no doubt do it. In reality I mostly don't care enough if it is neat or not to actually take time each day to make sure it is.So, do I want to make peace with my inner slob or change her? My choice.

 

[T. Calderone]

Try a different therapist because you should never feel frustrated coming out of a therapy session. I think you are just beginning to hit upon things that you don't feel comfortable talking about. You are self-harming and this is something that needs to be addressed whether you do it with a psychiatrist, therapist or with someone else. You need to speak to someone about this, don't leave it out! You might benefit from taking the medication, why not give it a try? But that by itself is not enough because you have to acknowledge what's happening, even if you start a journal and write it down.

Yes I've been there with self-medicating with alcohol and/or drugs to get the energy that I just lack on my own. Matter of fact every single thing you mentioned (except cutting myself) I've been through and still working to find a solution. Some of the things you wrote are painful to me because it was like looking at myself but someone else writing it. Somewhere I read Procrastination is the thief of time, and it really is but I know you can't help it. I would be paralyzed with fear not knowing what to do, so I did a while lot of nothing and later agonizing over it.

I was able to store a lot of my things into boxes and bins over the years. But my stepdad was a hundred times worse than me. Imagine trying to move house across country and trying to decide what needs to be held onto and what to throw away. I understand saving clothes that you havn't worn in 10 years and sentimental things like cards and stuffed animals but this man had unopened mail from the 90's. I had to hire two guys to help me throw stuff away that was stored floor to ceiling in a 2-car garage and in his bedroom.

Cluttering of information you might think is a waste but it can be useful. I keep many notebooks with crap that the average person might consider useless: journals of things that happened, self help information, recipes, websites, telephone numbers, addresses, logins and passwords because you can never remember those things! Then I can go over them later and say dammit I was looking for that! Or what was I thinking writing this down? But I don't regret writing things down, at worst I can toss it in the bin another time.

The part about not showering and caring for yourself might be depression. I used to get that way too, dreading it but knowing it must be done. Feeling so much better to get cleaned up, then promising myself I won't get so grungy again but it kept happening. Like you, things seemed to get worse without my "liquid energizer" and I believed alcohol did give me motivation of sorts and looked forward to my next binge. I never blacked out or got sloppy drunk either. It brought me comfort and I fear you will fall into this trap as well if you're not careful.

I had to find new things to look forward to, like going through my boxes of memorabilia though it was emotional and it made my cry too much. Maybe tomorrow I will start again. I also just today got an appointment to see a psychiatrist which is tricky when you don't have health coverage. I have a case worker helping me to set goals both short and long-term. So many things are attainable and you can get better but it's going to take some work. Don't give up just yet!

 

[puking]

Always just generally felt like a bit of a fuck up and found I could procrastinate over nearly anything.

That sums up pretty much everything. I've always thought of myself as exactly that, a "fuck up" (man, the English language has always the perfect words). I procrastinate too much because I guess I get a big kick out of doing absolutely nothing (hard work might pay off after time, but laziness always pays off NOW). I loved when I was younger and out of work and I would sleep 11 hours a day and then sit another bunch of hours looking at the ceiling, or the sky, doing nothing. I can repeat it and repeat it the next days, always waking up saying "man, I aint gonna do shit today", and more important, feeling absolutely NO boredom. Is the regular civilian life that gives me boredom.

A pocket organizer or a check list, forget it, I will forget to use it

I've tried Post Its hanging on walls with notes about stuff that I should do; I have tried the same in a notebook; I have tried those things tha adhere to walls so you can hang stuff on them; I have tried shoving the stuff inside plastic bags, etc. Ocasionally I will get angry enough and just destroy stuff. But in the long run, nothing fuckin works.

It brought me comfort and I fear you will fall into this trap as well if you're not careful.

It's funny you mentioning the word "comfort", because that's exactly what the vodka that I used to carry in my hip flask gave me (and phenobarbital that my dog don't need anymore also). I almost have to laugh when you say I might fall into a trap because, really, I'm already in a trap. My life is the trap. I fear there maybe only two solutions to my life: 1-Homelesness; 2-Institutionalization (maybe there is a third, off myself, but I don't think that I could ever go there) . I'm not acting on them because I feel is my duty to take care of my dogs though


Anyways today I went to the Clutterers Anonymous website again and I found a phrase there that says "The more we acquire, the less we enjoy what we already have". It knocks me out because this is so true and I have never really thought about it. I focus a lot on I need this, I need that, I go to the supermarket and buy three of everything. Then the result is I end up with a lot of useless clutter that rottens out or I can never find when I need it, so I end up not using or enjoying anything. Let alone the stress that I go through when I'm in the rush to GET things as soon as possible. And the frustration when I can't get the things that I want so bad.