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TDS Complete Apathy with some annoyance

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OpenGtuning

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2016
Messages
86
Don't know if this is really for TDS forum but i have complete apathy for life at the moment... a going through the motions.... basically who cares.
 
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It's not surprising that you are feeling this way. You've been taking some pretty heavy stuff, and it sounds like you are going through withdrawal. Just abruptly quitting benzos after taking them for any length of time can be dangerous. Depending on how long you took them, you may be at a risk for siezures. Quitting benzos will definately raise your anxiety while making you feel apathetic and mildly depressed.

Synthetic canabis is pretty hardcore. The RCs they use on that are not for the weak. No doubt stopping this is a huge factor in your current mood, though I highly recommend not picking this back up. You're much better off smoking the real deal - so much safer mentally and physically.

Kratom actually has very mild SSRI properties, and this is also a factor in your mood. Again, depending on how long and how much you used, you may be in withdrawal.

I know you feel lousy right now but be patient and give your brain sometime to heal. It's been put through a lot with all these substances, and it needs time to achieve a balance. Does your wife know about your drug use? Can you explain what's going on so she has some idea why you're feeling the way you are? The conversation you described having with her probably left her with a lot of doubts, hurt, and questions. It would help her out to know where this is coming from. What are your plans for drugs - do you want to get sober or continue to use?
 
I can relate to this guilty feeling you are having towards your children and your wife. This is the addiction talking even if you have stopped using. It will take sometime until you recover and it will be different when that happens, you'll feel different. The important thing is that you love them and you have only harmed them by not being as present, not in any other way. Make sure they know that you love them. You don't have to play with them right now but you can demonstrate your love in different ways so they know they are loved by their father.

Time flies and soon your kids will be grown ups. I can fully understand that in your mind you want to do a lot of things but it seems difficult because you lack motivation. This happens to a lot of people and with time you can resolve these issues. You just have to start.

About speaking to your wife, just make sure you pick a good moment when you are better because this can be a historical moment for both of you especially if you have been doing this for a long time without her knowledge. My marriage is divided in two very distinct parts one before and another after my wife found out about my addiction. In the beginning she was all there for me but deep inside she felt extremely betrayed because she had thought our life was a lie entirely and soon this started a domino effect situation in our lives and it took years for us to be able to talk about it without fighting.
 
It would be beneficial for you t address the mental health issues that are driving you to use. Usually if those are addressed sobriety follows shortly there after.
 
Use BB code, or go to that thread and quote the post, and then copy everything from the reply box. It should include the code as well as the post.
 
Pretty much everyone out of the people I know to use drugs have atleast some mental health issues and bi-polar disorder seems to be most common diagnosis. I am not suggesting that you have one though as I can't know but due those activities and drug using habits I would go to see a mental health specialist if I were you.

It is pretty common to think you have nothing wrong when you actually are doing stuff which is dangerous, harmful to others or atleast abnormal. It is a part of many disorders.

Drugging someone to have sex with her/him isn't what people without issues do. It is actually one of the worst things I could imagine someone doing to loved ones (or anyone).

If you have any interests over yourself and others please see a mental health specialist. Life is so much easier when you get yourself in proper treatment.
 
Yeah in the immortal words of Steve Marriott. The cosmos rest that cokehead mother fuckers soul..... 'Black tea. It's as black as it can be. But it's a cup of strong black coffee a working man needs to see'

Fucking fact
 
Moreaux said:
Based on you other post in a different thread, I highly doubt you're of perfect mental health, and think you still have a lot of work to do in that department. I'm referencing the post where you talked about how you have drugged your wife without her knowledge so you can have sex with her all night. This is not an action of somebody that is mentally healthy, regardless of how you may rationalize the action. You cited other examples as well, but I'm not going reference other posts as the example above is enough.

If you are not ready to quit drugs, it may be healthier for your wife and kids if you do leave. Your actions are volatile and self serving, and I think you have the capacity to injure someone if you feel you are pushed enough. Aside from that, your kids are picking up on your feelings, so when you're bored and frustrated when you have to watch them, they know. You're wife is most likely also aware that you are still using, regardless of what you tell her as I doubt at this point there is much trust there.

I'm not going to push sobriety on you as I don't think you are being honest with yourself regarding your mental state, and will only comment on your family as I am concerned for them and their emotional well being.
Click to expand...

I agree. And in reference to OP kids, they do notice every little detail and they don't know what's right or wrong and tend to copy their parents. We are our children strongest role models.
 
I think I understand what you are going through. It's a difficult world and I have noticed that even before we become adults schools are already telling to a lot of our kids to take this or that medication for deficit of attention. And what happens next is a prognosis of depression since they presume in the teen years they will need to continue with some sort of medication and sometimes with a different prognosis. More meds.

I was told I was bipolar but another doctor said it was a mild borderline condition which to say due to the involvement with medication. IMO it's easier to treat people if you have them under control, taking medication. Problem is that these type of meds alter your line of thinking.

Mental health or mental disorders/conditions could mean a lot of things. I believe you are the only one who can put your doctors under the proper context. In a lot of cases only psychotherapy can help you considerably.
 
It took me years to figure out hat my depression and axiety were both symptoms of my OCD. I had struggled with it since I was a child. Once I was able to get my OCD under control, everything else fell into place. The anxiety and depression became less intense and I was able to get sober.

I had a lot of depression in early recovery, primarily because I was aware how horrible I had become, and how I wasted so many opportunities and so many years. I'm 38 and feel like I'm starting all over. Early recovery really taught me how to recognize the various triggers my OCD has, and how to better manage them.

I found the biggest thing in working with mental health care providers is to find ones that will LISTEN to YOU. Many are unwilling to listen and to quick to try to diagnose. They come up with a diagnosis in 5 minutes and then push medication on you, which can do more harm. I did a lot of research when I was working with care providers to ensure that the diagnosis was accurate, and then researched treatment options. Some of the medications can be brutal, so you want to try to find the most appropriate ones as soon as possible if you need medications. I had tried several different medications for depression and anxiety before realizing those were only symptoms, of course the medications aren't really helping. I had to treat the OCD. Starting and stopping psych meds are tough. Ironically, I didn't need medication lol. I needed therapy to learn how to manage it.
 
I can relate to you when you say that you feel like starting all over again. The problem with mental conditions together or because of the abuse of opiates or benzodiazepines is that you live as if you'd have an 'avatar' to represent you whenever you are anxious, nervous and even depressed. In many occasions it works also because you can do everything else when you don't have the natural energy to do it.

Then you become sober and tons of emotions take place and you have no reference or very old references and habit on how to react properly and even when you learn how to react to these emotions I have felt apatic, lethargic and very depressed. I used to be more social, inspired and talkative. It was very easy to be that person. But now I have to be myself and that requires a lot of work. Not only you need to refill your energy naturally with exercises, hobbies etc but deal with frustrations in manners that feels awkward not to know when you are over 40 years old.

I have my doctor who listens to me but have had a lot of psychotherapy which helped me when I had to speak about these issues. I could be myself with them, completely honest about how I was doing with my daily activities. And only him and her knew that this was okay and still help me to go through this regardless of how long I have been sober. I had also discovered that it takes more than a year to be okay and I wonder how many years it will take until I'm fully adapted to this new me. Besides there are some meds like the one I've mentioned (Seroquel) that makes it right in one way but not so much during the day for instance.

I've mentioned this mental problems with children because I have a relative of mine who takes medication since she was 9 or 10 years old. I really hope that this can help her in the future. It helped with the grades, she's more social and focussed but what happens when she reaches 16 or 20 and looks for a job. I can already see that this has changed her metabolism and I see that sometimes she's alone. I just hope this is the best option for her. Her mother was careful enough to look for various different opinions and still worries about the consequences of having to take such important 'drugs' being so young.
 
Erikmen - you have me laughing. I forgot to mention the awkwardness of learning how to deal with emotions and socialization at the age of 40. A few years ago I was easily embarrassed when I would react to a situation incorrectly. Now, I can't help but to laugh. It happens frequently at work, and I laugh about it as its happening because nobody would understand or believe that I am only learning these lessons now. It's often so absurd that I can't help but to laugh. I think my coworkers think I'm nuts, oh well. At least they're friendly to me.

Regarding the psych medication given to children - it really scares me and I don't really agree with it in most cases. Their brains are still developing, and psych meds make long term lasting changes to the brain. I can't help to think that in many cases kids can adapt to their mental issues by becoming progressively educated about the issue and being trained in cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to help control the issue. In my opinion, giving kids Adderall doesn't seem like a solution, and it seems to create larger issues down the road, and it starting them off in life with an addiction.
 
It's indeed a bit awkward. I know I'm progressing to a lighter phase where I can better handle my emotions but laugh is always a good way to confront embarrassed moments. It decreases the seriousness a little and make life more social. Hopefully I'll get there. I do have my good days, that's when I know it's possible.

Thanks for your comments about psych meds to children. I'm constantly speaking to my sister about it and she understands these issues. For now they both are in therapy mother and daughter.
 
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Erikmen. I would be lying if I thought you weren't to some degree right with regards to children noticing things specifically there parent(s) using a substance. They may not be able to relate it other than my dad isn't acting normal. It is a well known among magicians that children are the hardest to fool as they don't have any misconceptions and so can't be misdirected as easily. They see things as they are. So it does worry me that I have did some irreparable damage with my relationship with them. There are only so many deposits that can be made from them emotionally.
Im almost certain that I don't need meds for a mental illness or such. I'm not willing to go in to my reasoning here's but I will say that that in my younger days I have had crippling social awkwardness. Self confidence issues and stuff in that area.
Anybody reading this with same issues the best advice I can give is remember most people are too worried about themselves to think about you and not everyone is looking at you and if someone is.... Who cares! Easier said than done but everybody makes an arse of themselves. The more you do it the less it matters.... I think.
 
I'm sure your children have noticed, but I doubt you've done irrepairable damage to your relationship. They love you and just want to see you happy and healthy. Children aren't judgemental and they don't hold grudges.

Regarding mental illness, there are many people who suffer mental illness who don't require medication. I think being aware and acknowledging your mental illness and taking steps to be mindful with it can go a long way. Being OCD and prone to anxiety and depression, I have learned ways to control the OCD and anxiety which then alleviates the depression without medication. It took time but it was worth it. You don't want to get into detail about yours which I understand, but do some research and look into ways of managing it without medication. Of course, in early sobriety your emotions and perceptions may be off, which is normal, so don't think your mentally deteriorating lol.

I think many of my issues were directly related to poor social skills and self image, and trying to be someone I'm not to fit in with other people. Since I have gotten clean it is no longer such a concern, and seems to have resolved itself for the most part. Of course I'm a lot older now, and some of my using mistakes were very public as was my addiction, so the process of getting clean went a long way in making me feel better about myself lol. I wish I had better insight regarding self image for you. I have to admit I'm surprised to hear that you struggle with it as you seem to have so much going for you, and you're obviously an intelligent and caring individual based on your posts.
 
Intelligence is luck. Wisdom is earned.
I'm on the whole past the self image and related mental issues. I am also much older now and these things in hindsight silly. That's not to say that I didn't feel miserable then. As if the weight of the world was on my shoulders.
So I used substances to help in these situations. I believe the habit was set then. So in moments of stress or whatever I surmise I revert to these habits
The neural pathways are set from then and need reset. Maybe this is what CBT attempts, I havent checked. (I've had it - partial success)
It's easy (for me) to see and acknowledge the triggers which drive me to drugs. But not acting upon them is much more difficult. I revert to a child-like state. I can't have a tantrum or the better explanation is the drug use is a tantrum.
But fuck me it's exhausting. And I'm sick of the bloody hangovers too.
 
I'm only looking at these posts today. Good points regarding children's perception. I have always noticed children are very, very perceptive. They observe life because everything is new to them, they're watching and learning life for the first time and even when they watch TV, they keep asking us to put it over and over again. That's because they often get so perceptive to certain things they sometimes don't see the whole picture, I suppose.

I think they can notice we are different but like Moreaux pointed down love is what really sticks. The DOC I have chosen were substances that 'unfortunately' lead them to think I had more energy or that I was calmer, more patient but definitely love plaid a great role in our family. I have always loved my children so much and never ever censured them so they do tell things that surprises us but I don't think I have done any damage that they can't repair. I was not the absent parent, on the contrary I was always with them. I'm that 'obsolete' dad that always read them stories before going to bed. They didn't want to hear it from the mom, they wanted me to tell them as I'd try to interpret the protagonists.

The problem we have sometimes with acute perceptive kids is that do notice something is different but they don't understand. I've heard a small boy trying to explain what alcoholism was and one of the things he would tell, 'that's when mommy talk as if she still asleep.'

Of course there are different types of people and different types of families and it wasn't good all the time. It's quite difficult to have an addiction and keep it to yourself. To my family the greatest damage was caused between my wife and I simply because she couldn't trust me anymore. She started to question who was that person with me and why would he do that with such a fine family. She did not understand. We had to go through counselling therapy and we've had tough years. Like some say, people forgive but don't forget. So it's going to take a while. In the beginning every time I'd be out for over an hour on weekends she would already be concerned.

Finding out your husband or wife is an addict when they OD and stay in coma for 48 hours is not the best way to find out. And I imagine how much conflictive or traumatic this might have been to her as the doctors didn't actually know I would make it. So it was a real bad situation for all of them.
 
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