Coming out Religiously to Parents

[dopaminedump]

I'm 22 years old and Ive been agnostic for the past two years. My parents are what they call "believers." What I want to know is should I tell them and if so how? I've been going on just hiding my beliefs scared it would ruin my relationship with my family. What do i do? Do I just keep it to myself or tell my parents and hope they accept my believes? I think my dad would be okay with it, but it would break my moms heart. . . Also what about my deeply religious girlfriends parents. . .[

 

[Jean-Paul]

i came out to my catholic parents (who had me in catholic classes) at age 11. i told them i did not believe in it and would not tolerate being forced to be in that environment anymore. there was a very long, huge "family meeting" where i was told i would amount to nothing. that i would drive in a jelopy and shop in thrift stores (LOL). they never treated me the same way again.

good parents should be somewhat understanding no matter what and still treat you right, despite your differences. same goes for other people. good luck to you.

 

[dopaminedump]

Thank you and Sorry to hear your experience, also my gf said she cant marry someone who doesnt believe in god. I love her but I'm not going to live a lie for her all of my life. Age 11 is pretty young to come to that realization i'm impressed. Its kind of funny cause it's almost feels like I'm coming out to say I'm gay lol. I guess I'll just have to find the right time to do it, and also come clean with my gf and tel her i'm not changing my beliefs. My parents arent Catholic so hopefully it wont be so intense.

 

[P A]

Thank you and Sorry to hear your experience, also my gf said she cant marry someone who doesnt believe in god. I love her but I'm not going to live a lie for her all of my life. Age 11 is pretty young to come to that realization i'm impressed. I guess I'll just have to find the right time to do it, and also come clean with my gf and tel her i'm not changing my beliefs. My parents arent Catholic so hopefully it wont be so intense.

Jeez. That sounds tough, but I think you're making the right decision in letting her know. My grandfather actually lived out his entire life (~40 years of which he spent married to my grandmother) without ever once professing his atheism/agnosticism. To hear it from the side of his deathbed was strange, but, of course, understandable. I just wish he had provided some kind of added guidance re. religion, etc., when I was younger - I was receiving so many mutually exclusive messages about the nature of god(s) that a few helpful nudges in the skeptical direction may have accelerated my intellectual/theological development by years.

Its kind of funny cause it's almost feels like I'm coming out to say I'm gay lol.

You hit the nail on the head, sadly enough. That is the state of the union re. the irreligious in America (to say nothing of the rest of the world, much of which is far, far worse in this regard). If there's one thing that Dawkins et al. have really done a great job of calling to their readers' attention, it's the issue of painful discrimination and social ostracism of atheists/agnostics, a cultural phenomenon that shares many essential features with homophobia, racism, etc.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

It's up to you. My parents and other relatives know I'm quasi-agnostic and very spiritual but they're all fine with it.

For decades I thought my dad was agnostic or even atheist but he believes in God or a higher power but just doesn't go to church and doesn't talk about his beliefs openly at all.

I came out as bisexual to my parents my mom was accepting and fine with it but I never really had to "come out" to her since she always knew. I waited decades to tell my dad until I was an adult since I did not want to tell him as a teenager when I was living with him still, and I am open to my mom about things I'd never tell my dad or wouldn't be comfortable telling him.

My parents and other family members love me for who I am my sexuality and spiritual beliefs included.

 

[Foreigner]

I only have my experience of coming out as gay to my parents, but I think our two situations have similarities.

It might be hard for your mom at first but eventually she is going to have to decide which is more important: her love for you no matter what it is you believe in, or obeying her faith's edicts about heretical thinking. My mom didn't care about my sexuality but my dad struggled with it for a very long time before finally he just missed his son so much that he stopped caring about who I'm attracted to.

Even if your mom has a hard time at first, the test of time will show her what matters more. Like I said... most of the time.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I'm 22 years old and Ive been agnostic for the past two years. My parents are what they call "believers." What I want to know is should I tell them and if so how? I've been going on just hiding my beliefs scared it would ruin my relationship with my family. What do i do? Do I just keep it to myself or tell my parents and hope they accept my believes? I think my dad would be okay with it, but it would break my moms heart. . . Also what about my deeply religious girlfriends parents. . .[

I have been in your shoes.

I know a lot of people say to tell your parents and I don't disagree with that. But if you can't tell them in a respectful manner then I wouldn't tell them at all. By respectful I mean don't just walk up to your mom and say, "Guess what, I'm agnostic!" Hell, I never came out and told my mom I was an atheist. I just dropped little hints here and there until one day she just asked me and I didn't lie. Fortunately, my mother's side of the family accepts me for who I am.

My dad is a different story. My parents are divorced BTW. We had a big political argument and I just told him there was no way on earth I could ever be a republican. He can figure out who I don't worship on his own.

All of this transpired when I was 33 years old so it took nearly a decade for me to grow enough balls to do it.

As for your gf....I would tell her sooner rather than later. She may be thinking about wedding bells with a good Christian groom and that may not be you.

Shit like this is never easy. Good luck.

 

[Portillo]

Just tell them. Im religious and I couldnt give a crap if a family member believes or not. If they dont accept you because of it, then something is wrong with them not you.

 

[Sodacrates]

If telling them is going to harm your well being in anyway, then you should wait. If you are dependent on your family and they will disown you if you tell them you don't believe, you really should wait, but if you are independent, then you really need to tell them. I love my mother (my father is dead), and because I love her, I wouldn't lie to her about that sort of thing unless she was dying (and her well being depended on it) or my well being depended on it. I guess if it was going to hurt them an enormous amount, that may be a reason to continue lying. I don't believe actions are wrong, but rather consequences are good or bad. So it depends on the consequences whether you should continue lying. Almost everyone believes this to some point (as in virtually everyone has a belief that yields the same results in dire situations; the obvious example is, that it would be wrong to tell the Nazi government where Jews were because you wouldn't lie about it. But some people believe that it's still wrong to lie, it would just be more wrong to tell the truth). So, I think you need to act depending on what the consequences are going to be. If you feel that it's wrong to continue lying because you parents are loving a version of you that you don't feel is accurate, I'd probably agree with you, but if you'd rather they be happy, you probably should go on lying.

 

[ParappaTheRapper]

My family are all humanists. And I'd say I am too. Still, I started believing in god from drugs and meditation and whatnot over the last few years. Whenever I mentioned the word "god," I'd always get an anti republican, stephen colbert, abbie hoffman type stereotypical rant, which has little to do with it imo. They essentially told me that I'm delusional.

 

[1Love4me]

I have had the same issue as OP. My parents are Christian Reformed (kind of like Protestant Reformed), I was in church school at church from 3 years old and I went to a private Christian school from preschool through high school. They didn't even teach evolution at all except as a theory that was wrong...wtf? My parents also take the Bible literally, and think that if you don't believe you will burn in hell forever.

When I left home and came into the real world I discovered that not everyone believes like that and that my parents kept me in a bubble. My parents disagree on both counts. When I met my agnostic husband I was 20 years old. Everything he was telling me about his beliefs made waaayyy more sense than Christianity.

Now I am 31 and I still don't know what I believe, but if I told my parents that I did not believe like they do it would kill them. If I told them, I would feel better but my parents definitely would not.

That doesn't mean your parents will disown you like mine would. They could be very understanding or they might not be. Definitely talk to your gf about it. Just because her parents wouldn't like it doesn't mean she will think the same way

Hope everything goes well for you no matter what you decide

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

If there's one thing that Dawkins et al. have really done a great job of calling to their readers' attention, it's the issue of painful discrimination and social ostracism of atheists/agnostics, a cultural phenomenon that shares many essential features with homophobia, racism, etc.

I needed a second to collect myself after this post. I don't know what to say other than that my environment dictates the opposite. If I were to profess my belief in the divine to many of those around me they would probably treat my words as an embarrassment.

 

[daytryptr]

if they love you unconditionally for who you are, they would be understanding in your lifestyle choices, no matter what they may be.

I went through the same thing, not with fundamentalists, but i was forced to attend a christian science sunday school until the age of 10. And it wasnt easy getting them to let me find my own spiritual path. granted i dont entirely blame them as i was a know it all god never existed and theres no chance he does, but the more i grew and realized my spirituality was inherently individual, and tied to nature, they came to respect my beliefs a whole lot more. i was lucky and had a fairly agnostic father as well, my mom was the one with stronger religious beliefs, but still fairly tolerant.

i say be honest, and respectful, and try and explain it to them in a direct, sincere manner. let them know you are completely fine with how they choose their spiritual path, but your an individual with the right to choose otherwise. if that causes major issues with your relationship with them, its their fault. dont punish/fake who you are for them to love you. after all their holy father loves them unconditionally, so why shouldnt they do the same to you?

theres no reason to supress who you are in their opinion of you. Thats just unhealthy. most parents always say you can talk to me anytime you need to, and to be honest and open with them. use their own advice against their hostile attitude towards YOUR not their beliefs.

 

[P A]

I needed a second to collect myself after this post. I don't know what to say other than that my environment dictates the opposite. If I were to profess my belief in the divine to many of those around me they would probably treat my words as an embarrassment.

I think you might want to take a big step back and assess where you live, and with whom you regularly associate; then compare your relatively small quantity of anecdotal data to worldwide statistical trends, all of which speak for themselves. Atheists/agnostics are a socially marginalized minority group the world over. Your location is listed as 'Planet Earth' - perhaps, when thinking about thoroughgoing societal issues like social discrimination, you should refocus your attentions away from your own parochial concerns and look further outward.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Why would I want to do that? I'm not making the argument otherwise. I've been around both people who would ridicule atheists and those who would scornfully belittle believers, and can tell you that the latter are quite more annoying, personally.

Maybe I should just refocus my attention, hmm? If I didn't know better I'd think you were telling me to act not based on my environment, but on that of others. Not very practical.

 

[ParappaTheRapper]

Not to start a debate because i'm not very opinionated on the subject, but it may be important to differentiate between spirituality and religiosity.

 

[Changed]

I told my mom and grandmother over lunch at Olive Garden (lol...).

I hadn't thought about doing it, it simply came up and I told them I did not believe in God. I think I was about 16 or 18? My grandmother freaked out but my mom took it rationally. We conversed all the way home in the car about my experiences and belief in Buddhism. She accepted my decision, as did my dad eventually (his father is a Protestant minister...).

Some 8 years on, my mother has moved away from Christianity to a certain extent, and embraces spiritual views more aligning with paganism, Buddhism, etc... Needless to say, this experience is probably not typical, and yours will likely reflect the relationship you already have with your parents. Expect a shit-storm if you're not that close with your parents, and be happy when it doesn't turn out so bad.

 

[opium]

i came out to my catholic parents (who had me in catholic classes) at age 11. i told them i did not believe in it and would not tolerate being forced to be in that environment anymore. there was a very long, huge "family meeting" where i was told i would amount to nothing. that i would drive in a jelopy and shop in thrift stores (LOL). they never treated me the same way again.

good parents should be somewhat understanding no matter what and still treat you right, despite your differences. same goes for other people. good luck to you.

yessssssss. i told my parents when i was 12 that i was done with the catholic church because the beliefs were unsettling to me.
i told them i would remain religion-less until i found a belief that suited, and made sense to me.

They made me have a meeting with our local pastor, where i was told stories upon stories of what would happen if i continued my path. according to him, i will be burning in hell by time my life ends.

as priest said, in a way im spiritual. i believe in a lot of the Buddhist teachings. My dad flipped when i told him that, but parents and figures of authority eventually if not get over it, learn to live with it. After years of knowing, it will be forgotten. So the sooner you 'come out' the more time you can put behind it to let the idea settle.

Good luck

 

[Lifeinpain]

Things change but are still the same

I grew up in an extremely large family in the country; Catholic church and Catholic school, when younger you don’t think of the religion you’re just having a great time with all your family and friends. It brings the entire community together for all the great church stuff, dinners, outings, fundraisers, yard sales, and Food, all the food and baked goods are amazing and all the people who watched you grow up. I had some different views in my late teens, agnostic or even atheist, I think it’s normal. Out of respect I kept quiet, my father passed soon after! Fast-forward many years my children all went to Catholic schools but we attended a United church close to home in a small town, again all the great stuff that comes with getting involved with community, my children loved stuff and events to do planed around the church and hundreds watched them grow up, it’s about giving back and doing for others, its community. My youngest is still in university & while at a Sunday service she said I’m not sure if I believe, it reminded me of myself many years before. I said you’ll figure it out. . .

 

[daytryptr]

I grew up in an extremely large family in the country; Catholic church and Catholic school, when younger you don’t think of the religion you’re just having a great time with all your family and friends. It brings the entire community together for all the great church stuff, dinners, outings, fundraisers, yard sales, and Food, all the food and baked goods are amazing and all the people who watched you grow up. I had some different views in my late teens, agnostic or even atheist, I think it’s normal. Out of respect I kept quiet, my father passed soon after! Fast-forward many years my children all went to Catholic schools but we attended a United church close to home in a small town, again all the great stuff that comes with getting involved with community, my children loved stuff and events to do planed around the church and hundreds watched them grow up, it’s about giving back and doing for others, its community. My youngest is still in university & while at a Sunday service she said I’m not sure if I believe, it reminded me of myself many years before. I said you’ll figure it out. . .

Your an awesome parent.

Often times people flat out turn their back on religion and get jaded with the whole affair. You can disagree with it, without discrediting the whole affair entirely. I agree with you on the community aspect of the church (any organized religion really), and the fact that you let your kids make up their own mind is whats important. I think the ones (like myself) who just discounted the whole affair entirely, are worse off than those who don't idealize the church as inherently bad, and ignore the reality that they do alot of good. No matter how much you disagree with the rhetoric or scripture, or part of whatever religion we are talking about.

Churches feed those who are hungry, shelter those in need, and do alot of good. They bring people together, and in some cases bring a very real sense of community and cooperation to those who participate. They may not be a perfect organization, some have some pretty big flaws, but you can't ignore the reality that they aren't all bad.