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Coming clean about a past addiction

Bob Loblaw

Bob Loblaw

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I searched & browsed but, surprisingly, didn't find much.


I've just started seeing this girl; we've been on a few dates, I've met some of her friends, etc. If things continue along this trajectory, then I can easily see asking her to be my girlfriend. Some of you may know that I used to shoot a lot of 'hard' drugs & did a lot of damage to my life. I got some charges, wrecked my car, then spent 15mos in treatment. I got (kicked) out and moved into a halfway house. Now I have only shot up a handful of times in the past 5mos, and only twice since I've started to see her. Both times were mistakes & I don't plan to make another habit of IVing drugs.

When I met her, I lived at that house with 6 other bros. She asked about it & I just said I left my home-town because it was no good for me & chose that spot because it was cheap & furnished (which is all true). I know she used to be, IMO, borderline alcoholic & has done a few drugs in high school, gave a similar story for leaving her home-town, but now I believe she only drinks & occasionally smokes weed. I haven't mentioned anything about addiction or IV use. I didn't feel it was necessary to admit it so soon.

I've since gotten my own place & have cut all ties from anything involving treatment/recovery. I know I have to tell her, but I'm not sure when. I don't want to do it to soon & potentially scare her off, but I also can't wait until she feels deceived or betrayed. Due to her past relationship with alcohol, I feel like she'll be understanding, especially as she sees that I've distanced myself from that lifestyle.

So my question is when should I bring up my past, and do you have any advice on how to tactfully do this?
 
I am not sure if my advice would be helpful but my approach has always been different from most people. See, whenever I like someone, I would honestly tell them right away who I used to be/who I was. My current boyfriend (who I never thought would stay with me) found out right away what happened to me. I told him that I fucked myself up on mdma and I used to be an alcoholic. I guess my way is to know if the guy would really stick with me knowing my past and how much he can handle it. I just like being dead honest with people and I am not the type of person who likes to hide what I really am. If he really wants to be with me, he will be willing to accept my past no matter what.
 
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Never tell them - "if" all of the drug use is really in your past and you don't intend to use anymore. They will use it against you at some point if you do. The addict is always the bad guy. You can never win.

Just put the addiction in your past and move forward. All that stuff happened before you met her. ...no one tells a new bf/gf everything thing about their exes. The same rule applies to past drug use and/or sexual experiences, like how many people you really slept with.
 
nooneanymore said:
Never tell them - "if" all of the drug use is really in your past and you don't intend to use anymore. They will use it against you at some point if you do. The addict is always the bad guy. You can never win.

Just put the addiction in your past and move forward. All that stuff happened before you met her. ...no one tells a new bf/gf everything thing about their exes. The same rule applies to past drug use and/or sexual experiences, like how many people you really slept with.
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Not sure I would say "never" tell them. What if the relationship were to become pretty serious and/or ended up in marriage? Then it will have been pretty important to mention these things.

I would wait until things look like they are going to move ont boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship and then bring it up. I agree that you don't want to do it too soon and scare them off but I would wait until I was sure there was going to be a little more invested in it than just hanging out/dating as long as none of it is going to come up and affect her in some way.

Good luck dear.
 
You said only a few dates? Def. don't bring it up now. I would say.. 3 months. Whenever it feels comfortable and the right time. Don't make it into a big thing although it is important to tell her because it's important experiences that make you who you are. But if you guys are talking about drugs, bad mistakes, life changing events, addiction, then you could try to fit in 2 sentences to kind of relate it back to her. So you can kind of crack the door a little bit before opening it.
 
Thanks :)
nooneanymore said:
Never tell them - "if" all of the drug use is really in your past and you don't intend to use anymore. They will use it against you at some point if you do. The addict is always the bad guy. You can never win.

Just put the addiction in your past and move forward. All that stuff happened before you met her. ...no one tells a new bf/gf everything thing about their exes. The same rule applies to past drug use and/or sexual experiences, like how many people you really slept with.
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My drug use isn't just in my past, but neither is hers. It's the addictive behaviours (smack, coke, IV, etc.) that I plan to keep in the past. I don't quite see how that's all the same, as it was a major part of my life for a few years, led me right where I am today, and has the potential to spring up again. And--big if--things were to get serious & she ever met my family, it's a strong possibility for someone to say something and then I'm left holding the bag or however that idiom goes lol.
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
You said only a few dates? Def. don't bring it up now. I would say.. 3 months. Whenever it feels comfortable and the right time. Don't make it into a big thing although it is important to tell her because it's important experiences that make you who you are. But if you guys are talking about drugs, bad mistakes, life changing events, addiction, then you could try to fit in 2 sentences to kind of relate it back to her. So you can kind of crack the door a little bit before opening it.
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Although I don't think there is an exact timeline, three months does seem pretty good. But it all depends how the relationship is going, how serious it is getting. And, like what was said, try talking about mistakes, your past, things like that, and sort of bring it up. You don't have to just drop the info on her. Slowly :)
 
I have been wondering about this too (not like I can even get a date lately...). But if I do meet someone I really like, and even with newer friends who know nothing of my past, I'm simply not sure how much to disclose and have been going with the keep quiet and aloof method. To interact with me now no one would ever suspect and probably wouldn't even believe all the lives I've lived even if I told them.

But seriously, I can see both sides of the argument. It's true that if you divulge everything to someone who cannot empathize having never had any such experience(s) there is almost a guarantee that they will at some point use it against you, regardless of how accepting they are at the time you tell them. However, honesty in a meaningful relationship is invaluable, and really is the best approach as many of us have had to learn the hard way.

Honestly, my opinion is this: Make your best judgement of her character and how she will likely react to such a confession and go from there. But it depends on you and whether or not those issues are simply a part of the past. I don't see anything wrong with keeping secrets if they pertain to something in the past that have the capacity to dramatically alter someone's perception of you.

I just don't believe that being in love means both parties automatically become obligated to some full disclosure policy. You should be honest with each other about everything from the advent of the relationship forward. It's one thing to lie about something you've done in the past if asked, but it's another to not bring something up that you wish to put/keep behind you and that might potentially cause unnecessary grief or detriment to a new and fragile relationship.

But you must do what you feel is right, of course. (We'll see if anyone catches that reference...)
 
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If you're the type of guy who talks bout himself to his friends and or his girlfriends openly and cause them to open up and do same and confide in each other and be extremely close and well liked and respected though not as much admired then after a bit it would be expected you talk about this else it seems like you purposely withholding it n being less than honest and especially with IV drug use and HIV.

However if your more a mysterious kind of guy who people like and men secretly want to be and women want to fuck and all admire but none don't know much bout and who don't talk much and everything you says you only says when it's important and you says it low to make em lean right in to listen to you, well there is no need to say nothing so long as your not infected (have tests) and if it comes up later you say no biggie and brood a bit and they'll dig it. Much later on as you start to open up and share with close friends and girlfriends they'll really like the idea that they're so special that you'll tell them n only them and make em feel like 'the one'.

Both kinds are well liked by friends and girlfriends but you must be consistent to enjoy the benefits of kind or doubt of either.
 
I don't think she'll mind, really. I mean, she said she carried a bottle of vodka in her purse all her senior year of high school, still loves to get tanked on the regular, and I know she's at least done blow. But I've never been in a serious relationship & I'm terrified of fucking it up before it even has a chance to get started.

I think I'll just wait until, like you guise have said, we're talking about the past & mistakes (which we tend to do fairly often), and then bring up that I had a problem with opiates & only disclose what she asks about at that point. Later on, if I feel it's necessary, then I might bring up all of the IV use & whatnot. It wouldn't seem necessary at all, save that addiction is rarely a one & done thing; it resurfaces at least once for most people. I know if she happened to have the same background, didn't tell me, and then a few months from now I notice her pupils are pinned out & I see track marks, I don't even know how I'd take it.
 
My boyfriend, although he does not have nearly as much of a history as you do, just kind of brought things on me slowly. First explaining that weed wasn't the worst thing in the world. Then he taught me about MDMA and psychedelics. Lol it was MONTHS before I knew he had tried the "bad" drugs like coke, opiates, etc. I know it is a different situation, but still want to explain that these things have happened, but maybe not all at once. Slowly give her more and more info.
 
You can let that chapter of your life be over. If and only if you feel like divulging your past feel free to do so. Just remember it is your past for a reason.
 
I call this dropping the drug bomb. Although, I have no history of IV drug use I have used this honesty over the years to see if a non using guy would flee. Some became distant. Some stuck around. Others said that was cool but when I smoked weed they would fight with me about it. The way I saw it was if they were not interested or understanding my past and present then they were not worth my future. If it came down to a person vs using drugs, I would always chose that person. Drugs were/are not THAT important to me.
 
To be honest, i don't share all that past issues, and vulnerable shit with women. If you need a shoulder to cry on go hire a psychologist, or meet with a substance abuse counselor or something.

It's not a good look, as far as being a dependable, healthy guy.
Most successful women who hear that shit are going to instantly down-grade you, and aside from that, they honestly don't want to be your psychologist.

From your OP, your biggest issue isn't revealing all the hard drugs you've IV'ed, your biggest issue is to stop using.
If you don't plan on getting clean, then that IS something that should be brought up in any meaningful relationship.
 
Corazon said:
To be honest

From your OP, your biggest issue isn't revealing all the hard drugs you've IV'ed, your biggest issue is to stop using.
If you don't plan on getting clean, then that IS something that should be brought up in any meaningful relationship.
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+1 this is so true. How can you love without loving yourself
 
This is a touchy issue with me because I'm the sort of person who feels the need to reveal everything. I wear my heart on my sleeve, especially when trying to build relationships. So before you know it, I'm blabbering on about the shit I used to do. Seems sooner or later we have a falling out and that's the first thing thrown back in my face. "You're a dopehead, junkie alcoholic whatever." It hurts and I've learned to be guarded about what I tell people, men or woman friends. People can take one thing you say, remember it and vilify you later when it seems to fit. Be careful man.
 
Corazon said:
From your OP, your biggest issue isn't revealing all the hard drugs you've IV'ed, your biggest issue is to stop using.
If you don't plan on getting clean, then that IS something that should be brought up in any meaningful relationship.
Click to expand...

She still smokes weed & knows I plan to once I'm able to (have a hair test pending). Only once things have progressed further will I divulge that I plan to take mushrooms, etc. which I know she'll be totally fine with, if she doesn't join me herself.

I'm never going to cry on her shoulder for support, because I don't confide in anyone & she is no exception. I completely agree with you on that point.
 
Two weeks after we met. That's when I sat her down and told her. Why? Because I wasn't going to string her along, and who knows what might happen in the future. We are together still, a year later. Our anniversery is also the same day I kicked H. Still clean too :)
 
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