I hope this is in the right section.
I've been clean from both coke and ecstasy since July of '09, and for some reason, I've been having dreams and cravings/urges to do coke. I haven't had any cravings for ecstasy whatsoever.
I never give into these cravings, but it's like my mind gets super-excited at the thought of calling my dealer, meeting up, coming back home and chopping up those lines and snorting them. Then when I tell myself 'NO', I feel a little disappointed, and then it goes away.
Other times, I find myself waking up from a dream in which, usually, I have attempted to score coke, only to almost always have been thwarted in my attempts to actually consume. I always obtain the drug, but I am rarely successful in being able to do it, as my wife always walks in on me with either the bag in my hand, or laid out somewhere casually. I think this is because I always used to have such an immense rush from the idea of doing something 'wrong', and hiding it from everybody.
Nobody knew that I used except for and my dealer. I have since told my wife about my past usage, and for the most part, my desire to use has gone away, except for these damn dreams and mental cravings.
Other times in my dreams, when I would actually successfully get to snort, I can remember feeling that 'ahhhh, finally!' feeling, but I would usually wake up feeling dirty and guilty that I had failed to keep my promise I made to myself of no coke or ecstasy for 1 year.
Actually, something just came to me. Maybe the reason for these sudden dreams and cravings is because July is coming up in a few months, when my 1-year promise is up, and I would be able to consume again, if I so desired.
I purposefully keep myself away from coke and friends that use coke, because it's simply too cheap in Costa Rica, and I don't want to fall back into old habits. I never thought I'd see myself going an entire year clean, but it's been relatively easy so far, just this month that the cravings and dreams are strong. I've even denied myself going out with friends at night to a bar/club, because I know the temptation would be too strong, and coke is literally as easy to buy here as a pack of cigarettes or alcohol, so it's not like I'd have to go out of my way to get it.
Are these dreams and cravings ever going to go away? I really wish they would. I don't want to be stuck with dealing with these temptations for the rest of my life, and I'm tired of shutting down that voice in my head that whispers "go ahead, it's just one bag, one bag won't hurt you, remember how gooooood it feels".
I've been clean from both coke and ecstasy since July of '09, and for some reason, I've been having dreams and cravings/urges to do coke. I haven't had any cravings for ecstasy whatsoever.
I never give into these cravings, but it's like my mind gets super-excited at the thought of calling my dealer, meeting up, coming back home and chopping up those lines and snorting them. Then when I tell myself 'NO', I feel a little disappointed, and then it goes away.
Other times, I find myself waking up from a dream in which, usually, I have attempted to score coke, only to almost always have been thwarted in my attempts to actually consume. I always obtain the drug, but I am rarely successful in being able to do it, as my wife always walks in on me with either the bag in my hand, or laid out somewhere casually. I think this is because I always used to have such an immense rush from the idea of doing something 'wrong', and hiding it from everybody.
Nobody knew that I used except for and my dealer. I have since told my wife about my past usage, and for the most part, my desire to use has gone away, except for these damn dreams and mental cravings.
Other times in my dreams, when I would actually successfully get to snort, I can remember feeling that 'ahhhh, finally!' feeling, but I would usually wake up feeling dirty and guilty that I had failed to keep my promise I made to myself of no coke or ecstasy for 1 year.
Actually, something just came to me. Maybe the reason for these sudden dreams and cravings is because July is coming up in a few months, when my 1-year promise is up, and I would be able to consume again, if I so desired.
I purposefully keep myself away from coke and friends that use coke, because it's simply too cheap in Costa Rica, and I don't want to fall back into old habits. I never thought I'd see myself going an entire year clean, but it's been relatively easy so far, just this month that the cravings and dreams are strong. I've even denied myself going out with friends at night to a bar/club, because I know the temptation would be too strong, and coke is literally as easy to buy here as a pack of cigarettes or alcohol, so it's not like I'd have to go out of my way to get it.
Are these dreams and cravings ever going to go away? I really wish they would. I don't want to be stuck with dealing with these temptations for the rest of my life, and I'm tired of shutting down that voice in my head that whispers "go ahead, it's just one bag, one bag won't hurt you, remember how gooooood it feels".
