Codeine filled past scarring my future.

[Taradox]

Hi all,

I'm new.

My name is Tara and I used to have it all.

I was what you call a star. In the making at least.

I took drugs intensely for 8 months. From cocaine to ecstasy to ketamine, weed, hash to codeine (which I found to have affected me the most). With drugs, I was in heaven. Hedonistic in every sense.



Hell: I lost every shred of personality that I had. I am now living a life which I feel like isn't mine. I don't "shine", noone from my past recognizes me. I have been on medication for 4 months, Risperdal to help me with some crazy delusions and paranoid thoughts that obviously only emerged after drug use. I used to think my TV would talk to me. Well not talk to me, but be in sync with how I was feeling. If I felt like shit, everything on the TV would reflect it. People would suddenly get upset on the TV because of me.

I got very fucked up to the point that I lost any bit of self esteem, any bit of lucidity, any bit of hope of a future. I couldn't look my parents in the eye, I couldn't reconnect with old friends because I was afraid after seeing me, they would realize what a huge fuck up I became.

After Risperdal, I feel like I'm becoming myself again. But things still aren't the same and I fear they will never be that way again. I don't shine, I don't give off those amazing "vibes" that I used to.

I sometimes wish I could get off the Risperdal into my anxiety/paranoid filled world so at least I make an impact on the world somehow. I feel so medicated and zombie like, reminiscing on the good old days. I'm 20 years old and feel like my best days have already past me.I live in Beirut and am in therapy. My story is so rare for somebody living in Lebanon. Especially a petite girl like me. Noone would expect it.


I need help and I need it big time. I need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Cyc]

It's not the Risperdal, it's time.

Time will fix the headfuck caused by drugs, providing you stay clean and active.

 

[silentcowboy]

It's not the Risperdal, it's time.

Time will fix the headfuck caused by drugs, providing you stay clean and active.

Very true. After some time you'll find yourself in a better place. When your mental "wounds" heal you can decide if its right to get off your meds or not. I once thought life would never return to normal and it was fucked forever, but it does get better. Exercise, sleep, and eat well, its honestly the BEST therapy/medication.

 

[Trick509]

Hi Tara,
Sounds like your having a rough time.
It's posts like this that help me stay clean and stay away from any sort of drug.
I don't know too much about harder drugs, but I'm sorry to hear your story.
Drugs do effect your brain chemical balance (can't remember the exact chemical)
But the longer you stay clean, the more your body restores the chemical back to its natural balance.
The best way is to stay clean if you can while working out and keeping yourself busy.
Hope you find your natural happiness soon!

 

[i against i]

how much ecstasy you do? i did a similar thing, think wayy too much ecstasy affected me more than anything. 6 months later i'm all good. but i understand the totally crazy things you're feeling, it really sucks, you need time off drugs, and just time.

 

[Taradox]

Thank you for all your replies. I appreciate that patience is the key. As far as the ecstasy goes, I would do it twice a month for those 8 months, one two or three pills + 17 other times accumulated from the years before. I don't think ecstasy fucked me up because my twin does a lot of it and she's "fine". The delusions came from codeine. I'm sure of it.

 

[tripnotyzm]

Yeah it sounds like the delusions would have been triggered by the heavier things like Codeine, but im no doctor..
I know it's hard and you may feel you are empty with no more star shine left, but you're incredibly young with a looong path ahead of you.
It's good to come on here and see people like you reaching out to the public trying to fix things. Some people just let their bodies and minds wonder off for years and years until it is too late to resolve the problems.
You should stay connected with others. Whether it be here in TDS, or at home with your friends / family; talking about it usually helps.

 

[Cyc]

Thank you for all your replies. I appreciate that patience is the key. As far as the ecstasy goes, I would do it twice a month for those 8 months, one two or three pills + 17 other times accumulated from the years before. I don't think ecstasy fucked me up because my twin does a lot of it and she's "fine". The delusions came from codeine. I'm sure of it.

I wouldn't be so sure. Opiates are not neurotoxic and codeine is on the very mild end of the opiate abuse chain. You are mistaken to think that any opiate (especially codeine) is 'heavier' than the pills people call 'ecstasy'.

I went through the same thing as you. I had only done ecstasy maybe 20x and I had a mental meltdown and thought it couldn't be the E because I knew people who partied every weekend for years straight and seemed to maintain the plot. I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't the MDMA, it was the pills that I thought were MDMA were in fact dirty. It only takes one shitty bathtub chemist to fuck up a batch and a lot of people end up paying for it. Your twin probably just rolled the dice and got better quality pills.

Think of it in terms of overdosing. You can do a drug every day and you might live to see 100, but you take too much of that drug and one dose can kill you. Neurotoxic damage follows a similar principle. But as I said, time does heal all. The brain is a resilient organ and things will even out eventually. Give it time and let your brain and body work itself out.