Clean off heroin: recent lapse; going forward clean

[helpingout]

Had a 115 days clean off kratom and 7oh. Ex girlfriend hit me with some emotional shit I wasn’t ready for. Felt like I needed a break after the holidays. Buy 7oh. Get high. Kinda chill vibes. Felt more like a full agonist than 7. Brother drug tests me. I pop for fentanyl. Didn’t do fentanyl.

Procede to die for two days. Wake up. Can’t speak. Brain doesn’t work. Recovery at three days. Back to normal. Explain my lapse desires to brother. He’s cool. Explain to x and she acts like I was healthy the whole time and just ignoring her. Whatever. I can’t cope with the emotional depth needed to be with her. Love and respect but I have to move on.

Make it past the six day kratom withdrawal period with no bad effects. Back on the recovery pipeline. Things are going good

No longer want to use.

Lesson from lapse: there are no breaks. Every time is dangerous. Recovery is too precious to lose. Health is too precious to lose.

Not in NA. Not going to my smart meetings. Not in any kind of recovery program. Don’t want to be. I’m going this by myself and pulling everyone I can up with me.

What to do now. How to proceed?

Maybe a little smart recovery meeting here and there.

Maybe more work on A C T.

I still love opiates. That will probably never change.

But what I value has changed.

I no longer care about feeling good or even feeling the balance of opiate addiction.

No more air sunshine good food exercise and black tar heroin.

Now I’m doing it all for me

I know what I need to do.

But I just wanted to check in with everyone and let you know I’m doing good. I’m still helping myself and am willing to help anyone else who needs it.

Love above all things.
Identify what you value and live for it.

Answering any and all questions.
Addressing all comments.

No holds barred

 

[Ds]

Hey glad to hear you are doing better! Keep on rocking on.
I'd definitely get back into the groove of getting back involved with the Smart Recovery meetings. I think just feeling like you belong somewhere that's a good place will do you some good.
What do you think about therapy? I think having a therapist would be really good too because you are like paying someone that you can talk about your secrets or shit that you wouldn't talk with your SO about.
Keep it simple.

 

[helpingout]

Hey glad to hear you are doing better! Keep on rocking on.
I'd definitely get back into the groove of getting back involved with the Smart Recovery meetings. I think just feeling like you belong somewhere that's a good place will do you some good.
What do you think about therapy? I think having a therapist would be really good too because you are like paying someone that you can talk about your secrets or shit that you wouldn't talk with your SO about.
Keep it simple.

I attended a smart recovery online meeting last night and I’m going to two more in my area on Monday and Tuesday. I think you’re right and that it’ll help a ton recovery wise. Might also make some friends. Idk. But yeah I do feel like I belong there and I really like their meetings and toolkits.

As for therapy, I have a therapist but I only have insurance in a different state. So I haven’t been able to speak to them openly about the move or the change in my living situation because my insurance won’t cover it if she includes that in her notes. Also, I’m actively hiding a mental illness in order to receive care that helps me with my actual life problems because I’m not getting disability. None of my doctors have ever offered to write me a letter, I’ve never received any assistance in applying, and I likely never will because the United States doesn’t like helping disabled people receive financial support to help them live well with their disability. I essentially have to find some way to make a living and getting assistance with my sadness or my happiness or my attention or what the fuck ever isn’t going to help that, I’ve focused my therapy on employment and removing unnecessary self imposed limits on my potential. And it’s working. Getting off drugs and lying about
Poly substance abuse disorder is actually helping me to be a more normal person.

Kinda feel like I’m wearing a normal person suit. But yes therapy is tremendously helpful although there’s some things that I have to be dishonest about in order to continue receiving care. Oh and another reason for lying about my mental illness is that my therapy center doesn’t provide therapy services to people with my condition.

So I lie.

 

[paltatomate]

But yeah I do feel like I belong there and I really like their meetings and toolkits.

I’ve focused my therapy on employment and removing unnecessary self imposed limits on my potential. And it’s working.

great to hear!
therapy does not work for everyone, and not everyone find meeting where they think they belong. so that's a great positive you have there.
and if you have to tell a few white lies to get that help you need, i think you shouldn't worry too much about it for now. once you've settled and feel more stable you can still work things out with your insurance and maybe find a place where they can help you with your mental illness, too.

 

[Ds]

I attended a smart recovery online meeting last night and I’m going to two more in my area on Monday and Tuesday. I think you’re right and that it’ll help a ton recovery wise. Might also make some friends. Idk. But yeah I do feel like I belong there and I really like their meetings and toolkits.

As for therapy, I have a therapist but I only have insurance in a different state. So I haven’t been able to speak to them openly about the move or the change in my living situation because my insurance won’t cover it if she includes that in her notes. Also, I’m actively hiding a mental illness in order to receive care that helps me with my actual life problems because I’m not getting disability. None of my doctors have ever offered to write me a letter, I’ve never received any assistance in applying, and I likely never will because the United States doesn’t like helping disabled people receive financial support to help them live well with their disability. I essentially have to find some way to make a living and getting assistance with my sadness or my happiness or my attention or what the fuck ever isn’t going to help that, I’ve focused my therapy on employment and removing unnecessary self imposed limits on my potential. And it’s working. Getting off drugs and lying about
Poly substance abuse disorder is actually helping me to be a more normal person.

Kinda feel like I’m wearing a normal person suit. But yes therapy is tremendously helpful although there’s some things that I have to be dishonest about in order to continue receiving care. Oh and another reason for lying about my mental illness is that my therapy center doesn’t provide therapy services to people with my condition.

So I lie.

Hey there, seems like you are doing the next right thing, and with time things should start to level out.
Don't like force yourself but continue to go to the Smart Recovery meetings as you are able. Maybe the next time you go you can maybe introduce yourself and ask if anyone there wouldn't mind giving you their telephone numbers. Maybe ask the facilitator too. It's really good to start to develop a recovery network of peers, so you can call upon someone if you ever feel like getting high.
You can also try calling the local NA hotline (or whichever fellowship you feel most comfortable with), and mention it to them that you feel like getting high and your interested in talking with someone because you are afraid that you are going to get high. Usually they will give you some phone numbers of people to call, and atleast with that you can try to talk about things before you get to the point of relapse.

Most therapist can see you on a balanced scale, I've told my previous therapist that I'm unable to afford treatment with the therapist and she had filled out a form where I only pay $15 for each therapy session. You just have to mention it to your therapist.
Can you try reaching out to your therapist and ask for a list of therapists that are in network for you? You might have to call them and see.

I'm going to utilize a counseling group called Pathway, they have therapist and psychiatrist & psychologist under one room, and I'm going to attend some classes there as well as get therapy and see a doctor for medication management.

Kind of sucks that you cannot speak about your mental health issues with your therapist and such and yeah USA fucking sucks man about getting any type of help regarding mental illness unless you need immediate help such as entering the psychward there.

Have you got an attorney to help you get disability?
Another option would to be possibly getting into a program of sorts and do residential treatment while you work on your disability, atleast in those programs you don't have to work or anything.
Not sure what your living arrangements are but if you can focus on your disability & mental health then you won't really have to work.

It does suck they expect you to not work and make money for rent n shit while you are applying for disability, lime how do they expect you to survive?
I know my friends that are on it happened to get on it because they had their living arrangements set up.

It feels really good to get honest about things, maybe that's why it might be good to just contact someone on the phone.

Sounds like you are heading on the right path though! & Bluelight can be a good place to talk about stuff too.