Relapse Chronic Relapser

[Hector]

The sober living guidelines link is broken so i apologise if i've broken any rules. Basically i'm sick of being sick and tired. I've abused many drugs over more than a decade and all i've gained is serious health problems, broken relationships and a four year education which ended after two. As you may have guessed drugs played a large part in that. My main drugs of choice were alcohol and benzos because they seemed to cure my anxiety and that is something i severely suffer with.

I want help and i've attended NA meetings for over six years on and off. I feel great when the meeting is going on but once i've gone to bed and woken up it's like someone has hit the reset button. I try to meditate and that helps somewhat. I've had sponsors tell me to pray and things will improve but that concept is alien to me and i did try it but my heart wasn't in it. I'm planning on going back to a meeting this Monday although i've not been for six months so i'm very embarassed but what's the alternative, lol.

Boredom is a key factor in my using. I tried offering my services for volunteering but my memory is awful due to the drug use or the epilepsy i developed as a result. How am i supposed to get a job if i can't even remember half the things i've done during a day. I do keep a diary which helps and i'm attending a day center for people with anxiety and depression.
I've spoken with my psychologist and she said that because i damaged one of my gamma receptors my memory might not improve or it could take years. I've thought about this and maybe i should go back to using benzos if that's to be the case. Ugh.

I don't what else to say. Has anyone been to a SMART meeting, i've heard mixed results? Tried therapies? I've even heard Ibogaine being mentioned but don't believe that one.

Thanks for reading and i hope someone can offer me some help and advice. I'm tired of this and i'm starting to feel like i don't want to carry on anymore. Sorry to end on such a downer.

 

[aihfl]

Hi Hector, your story is very similar to mine. I self-medicated using alcohol and benzos as well, and at the end, I was washing down handfuls of benzos with alcohol. I wasn't deliberately trying to kill myself, but at the same time, I didn't really care if I woke up or not. The memory issue does suck. I can recall stupid shit my friends said or did from years ago, but my short-term memory sucks, i.e. forgetting yoga class at the gym is at 8:30am, not 8:45, standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open unable to recall what I wanted, constantly misplacing my phone/wallet/keys/all of the above. It goes beyond mere flakiness.

12 step did not work for me. I had one sponsor in NA, and another in AA, and they were both psychologically abusive in different ways. I lived in the inner city so the meetings I went to were full of down and out people, and I got sick of peoples' sob stories and being asked to loan money, or worse, asked if they could live with me until they got back on their feet. And I have a serious issue with "praying away your problems." That concept seems downright Medieval to me. I have no experience with SMART. There is only one meeting in my area, and it is on the other side of the city, a 30-45 minute drive and it only meets twice a month at that. Last year, I managed to stay sober about 10 months, and reading Jack Trimpey's Rational Recovery helped immensely, if you can get hold of a copy. When I drank again over the holidays, I wasn't trying to self-medicate, I was simply bored, because all of my friends were either out of town or doing things with their own families, so I can relate to boredom being a factor.

I tried an intensive outpatient program for a few weeks, but it turned out to be a waste of time and money. 99% of the people there were court ordered because of DUI/DWI and had shitty attitudes, and the therapist did nothing productive. It just felt like babysitting, or "druggie daycare" as Toothpastedog called it. I'm resuming one-on-one individual therapy. My anxiety and depression are managed with the help of medications, I just need help dealing with how to structure time that would be otherwise unstructured.

Actually, I find Ibogaine and interesting idea. From what I've read though, even though it supposedly does a "hard reset" of your brain chemistry, one can easily end up back at square one if you fail to make the necessary lifestyle adjustments to lead a sober life. It's also illegal in the USA, so most people who seek that treatment in North America usually go to Mexico.

Good luck to you and keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

[simco]

Hector,

How are you holding up, man?

Thinking of you.

Sim

 

[cj]

Boredom is my main enemy as well. Many b people talk about volunteering but it made me feel hypocritical more often because I was still dabbling with drugs. I suggest you find a hobby that really excites you. One that doesn't depend on wetter your sober or not. I like to hike sometimes I smoke weed during and sometimes I dont. I've learned that complete sobriety is hard and requires more suffering then I'm willing to go through. So I dmoke weed have kpin script and occasionally smoke weed it works for me.

I think the struggle for total abstinence can end up sabotaging the good parts of cutting back on drugs. Because you never feel worthy of your accomplishment. Every good decision you make is a step forward everyday of nondestructive use is a good day. And when you feel happy savor it and remember what made you feel that way