Haven't been on this forum in years.. I am bored, can't sleep, depressed and craving so I decided to just share a little about myself on here. I've been using opiates since i was 14, and I am 25 now. I looked back on my posts on here from almost a decade ago and I am just shaking my head on how stupid I was back then. I wish i could of slapped the shit out of my younger self to prevent myself from getting into opiates or any drugs. So when i was 17, after 3 years of recreationally using opiates, I got hooked on black tar heroin. Started dripping it into my nose using a visine bottle and water, then smoking it, then eventually slamming it. I was on it for 3 years using around a gram a day. None of my family knew I was using at all even though i had an abscess before and my dad rushed me to the ER. I told him it was a spider bite, lol. I was tired of my addiction so i decided to tell my parents about it when i was 20. I tried outpatient rehab, but my addiction was just too strong so my dumbass got on the methadone program. I was on methadone for 3 years. In those three years i felt like a zombie and a slave. I often went on binges on xanax and klonopin, popping so many that i overdosed a few times. I blacked out so many times and ended up in psych wards i don't know how many times. I got into 5 accidents while driving on benzos on top of methadone, 2 of them I totaled my car. I am so lucky i never got a DUI. I just showed the police my methadone card. They had no proof i was on anything other than the methadone i was legally taking. I ended up in jail a few times from blacking out too, but not from the car accidents. I remember living in the cold streets of San Francisco for a few weeks smoking crack, popping pills, etc. I remember getting jumped, getting robbed at gunpoint, jumping off of a balcony, and jumping out of a moving vehicle, all when i was going crazy with them benzos. From all that i broke 2 sides of my jaw, my ankle, my knee, sitches on my lower lip, nose, and chin. I got clean off of the benzos for a while, but i was still on methadone. I was doing pretty well. I was going to school and working. I ended up getting 2 weeks of methadone take homes to visit my homeland in the Philippines. When i was there i met a girl who i eventually fell in love with. I went back to the Philippines a few months later to see her again. When i got back to the US i was so depressed and helpless because i was such a slave to methadone. I eventually relapsed again on benzos. I told myself this is enough, i got to get off of this shit. I did research and found out about ibogaine. My mom was willing to send me to a rehab in Mexico to do ibogaine. But before i go to Mexico, i had to get off methadone for at least 2 weeks using prescribed morphine in replacement of the methadone. I was on around 100 mg of methadone and to get off of it i had to take 90 mg of morphine 3 times i day. But i still felt methadone withdrawals even on that much morphine. I got sent to the rehab in Mexico where i went through ibogaine treatment. It was a success (I'll share my experience in Mexico in another post). In the rehab we also did ayahuasca and peyote. I got sent to the Philippines after Mexico since the Philippines is the only country in Asia with no heroin whatsoever. I was living with my girlfriend there. She was very supportive of me. I stayed there for about a year to get my shit together, but i drank often, got easily prescribed benzos, got hooked on tramadol (OTC in the Philippines), and even used Philippine meth, or "shabu". I eventually got off all the drugs in the Philippines but was still drinking a lot since drinking is very normal in the Philippines. I never felt the same after getting off methadone so drinking and all that other shit was what i thought helped me. Then i went back to the US and started working. But i relapsed on heroin and benzos again and my mom sent me back to the third world country of the Philippines in July 2017. When i was back in the Philippines i tried going to culinary school, but relapsed on shabu and benzos and tramadol. So my parents sent me to a nice but very cheap rehab in the PI. It was so cheap compared to the rehabs in the US and Mexico that my parents was able to pay for my girlfriend to stay there with me to help support me. The rehab was a big house where you can go in and out if you want, if you have the privilege. I was doing pretty well at that rehab. Until i found out my girlfriend of 2 years, who i was planning on proposing to one day , was cheating on me with a client in that rehab. That is another story. That deceiving and manipulative bitch needs more help than me. But anyways i relapsed very bad on shabu and benzos. Keep in mind, Duterte is president in the Philippines and there is a crazy "war on drugs" going on where thousands of people suspected of using and pushing drugs are getting killed legally or put in prison for life. Even for cannabis. But that never stopped me cuz my addiction is just so strong. I got into a fight where i was beaten with a baseball bat and got rushed to the hospital cuz of my head injuries. When i was there in the hospital i ended up getting injected with something and woke up in solitary confinement in a FORCED Philippine lock up rehab. No one would tell me what was going on. I was not allowed contact with anyone, not even my parents. That forced rehab was the most terrifying and horrific time of my life. I will tell that story in another post. But anyways i ended up escaping that rehab after 2 months. It was September 2018. First thing i did was smoke shabu. I was on the run paranoid as fuck for a while in the slums of Manila. My parents ended up getting it handled and told me it is safe for me now. So i moved to my ancestral hometown where all my relatives were, so I would be safe. And some of my relatives there are involved with politics so no one was able to touch me. I decided to change my life for good this time. Started eating very healthy, exercising, and bodybuilding. Even quit cigarettes and alcohol. BUT i was an everyday kratom user, to help me get more motivated and just feel "normal". And that shit grows naturally in the Philippines. Was clean off everything (except kratom) for a few months. then I slipped up a few times but always bounced back. Now i am back in the states working as a cook at a Hilton. I am still on Keaton. I am struggling everyday. Craving everyday. I still am trying to eat as healthy as possible and work out 6 times a week to help deal with my depression and cravings. I am so scared of relapsing, but at the same time I crave because sometimes the pain is just too much. I Didn't realize i was going to write this much. I have a looong story with my life experience, from the US to the Philippines, i feel like i can write a book. But anyways thanks for those of you who read this. I just decided to start writing for some reason since I am lonely as fuck with no one to talk to.
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