Chronic Derealization/Depersonalization

[shemustbedirty]

I wasn't sure where to put this considering the information versus the questions that follows. If it has a place, thank you in advance for moving the thread.

I've always had a slight anxiety disorder but it never became crippling until the beginning of this year after I had my daughter in January.

A little back story:
I had a serious cocaine habit for a year at the age of 16. I stopped cocaine, alcohol, xanax and marijuana use after some personal issues. It wasn't until I was 19 and my marriage failed that I became an alcoholic. For the next two years I did nothing but drank. Every day a fifth of vodka straight from the bottle. When I became pregnant with my daughter I stopped everything.

The onset of PPA:
When my daughter was about a month and a half I started experience these episodes. I didn't realize until after research what I was having was panic attacks. I found it odd because I had them all my life and the only thing that ever happened was hyperventilation and panic. Now, at 23 I was having these severe panic attacks. I thought I was dying. I was having "come to god" experiences. I realized for the first time "I'm going to die" (which I had never previously thought about what death had entailed) and kept pondering what would happen to be after I was gone. Fear controlled me, I couldn't leave me house. Anyhow, considering I was at a very high risk for PPD due to my history with depression and other related issues, I made an appointment with a physician. I was disagnosed with PPA (Post-Partum Anxiety). They put me on Prozac (Flueoxetine 20mg/day). It seemed to help, almost instantly. I went about my life, standing a healthy lifestyle of diet and exercise.

Starting a few months ago I started getting these weird symptoms. I've researched it over and over and the only thing that it seems to be contributed to is anxiety. If that's the case, I'm gad it isn't something more serious such as a brain tumor or aneurism, which I constantly worry about. What I want to know is how to treat it.

Here are my symptoms on a day to day basis:
When I wake up, most days I feel "normal" for the first 5 or so minutes. After that I start to feel a slight pain in the base of my skull. When I start moving around and getting my day started is when the sensations start.

My vision looks as though I am high, without any positive effects. Cartoon-like at times, others it's hazy as if I were looking through the fuzzy ants effects a tv with no cable has. I see all kinds of colors and shapes. These look much like "aura's". It looks as though I can see beyond our dimension into another, one that is there but no one else can see.

My brain is foggy. It's hard to focus or concentrate. I'm uneasy, irritable, and anxious. I'm worried that something is going to happen, though I know it's not. Usually I can talk myself down from panicking but the visual effects of this "derealization" stays. I get these weird "brain zap" or "brain shiver" type feelings (that is how I can best describe them as, according to my research it what I'm feeling and doctors do not believe in).

There is a pain at the base of my skull/top of my neck, where the skull and spin connect. It seems to wrap around the top of my head and curl into the back of my eyes. My pupils feel dilated, and if I move my eyes or head too quickly I get dizzy and unbalances. There is this ongoing pressure that is in my head, eyes, and sometimes my face. I experience tingling feelings in my lips, nose, and face at times. The pain in my neck also seems to radiate down he muscles on either side of my spine as a very dull ache to the in-between on my shoulder blades. It feels as if I could pop might neck or massage it, the pain would stop. The pain I can stand, it's the pressure, or feeling of a tight belt around my neck that seems unbearable.

I'm always anxious because these visual effects, while some people might find entertaining, can be quite frightening, especially because they never lighten or ease, only enhance or get worse. It leads to panic, which in turn makes it worse.

I've had MRI and CT scans, everything was fine. I have no bulging disks, no pinched nerves, the doctors can not find anything. It has been deemed stress related and put as anxiety. Unfortunately I don't know anyone who feels the same experiences and I don't know how to treat it. Anti-depressants do not work. Alcohol only inhibits my panic about it, but causes it to worsen the next day. Things like xanax do not work.

Has anyone experience or even heard of this? Have you treated or know of a treatment for it? Anything will help. Thanks for reading and sorry for the rambling and long post.

 

[shemustbedirty]

Wen reading this you will notice all of the missing words, letters from words, and jumpiness of the subject. This is also caused by what I am describe. I feel unintelligent, whereas I have always been sharp, forcused, intelligent, well spoken, and great with words. Sometimes it seems to collapse without my knowing.

 

[fivelinefury]

I'm sorry I won't be able to help very much at all, but just a bit on the anxiety. I have diagnosed General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety. I now know after many years of having to learn to be more aware of my anxiety. Being aware that it is there and not work myself up into making it worse. I know this is easier said than done, and may not even apply to much of how you feel. But at least if you are suffering from some level anxiety you can be aware of it.

I also have the "foggy brain" if my anxiety/depression is worse. Quite often some form of exercise (it doesn't even have to be much) will help this. If you think your spelling/grammar is being effected by how you're feeling, don't worry about things like this. It doesn't make you unintelligent or anything. I quite often have the same trouble with typing/spelling because I know its just my anxiety or foggy brain contributing to it. I may look pretty good when it comes to spelling, but quite often I have to correct myself 5 times with the fear of looking like a dumbarse haha.

I must say that you have done fantastic when it comes to your history of the drugs/alc you stopped. This is very hard and I can't imagine it at that age. I hope there is someone else out there that may be of some more help to you. But please remember everything to tell your doctor. Write stuff down so you don't forget, etc.

 

[bben]

i got the same thing from mdma in my head. I had intense pressure like i had a belt or band around my head. It happened after mdma and took along time to lessen but its still here. Serotonin controls muscle contraction and blood vessel contriction/dilation so there is a logical reason that - that might be happening. Psychs are known for altering vision too. I think staying off the drugs and time sober is the way to go, the only thing that helped me atleast.

 

[monkeyemergency]

I had terrible derealisation/depersonalisation starting when i was 15 and continuing till i was 18. I felt like i was looking at my life in 'cinematic mode' and i would get inklings that things were happening based on a script, i was never engaged fully and would see whirlpool and breathing effects when i looked at objects. After a lot of research i started worrying about going crazy and that maybe i was experiencing prodromal schizophrenia... which added to the anxiety and all the derealisation and depersonalisation got worse. I ended up starting going to my psychiatrist because of these symptoms (and dysthymia) and after a while trialling medications i became better and realised it was all based on anxiety building and building. I'm not sure if it was the meds that helped me or just a realisation in my own mind.

It is something that you can beat by trying not to think about it, although that can be very challenging to do.

Oh and by the way my symptoms preceeded all drug use.

 

[Allein]

I too have suffered from episodoes of derealisation, I can only decribe them as the feeling you get as you just start to come up on LSD from a visual perspective these came at the same time as I fell into a deep hole of depression and the 2 were certainly linked. I have taken lots of drugs but I dont think this has any bearing on the derealisation.

It took a long time and some personal research before |I understood what these episodes were, I found them terrifyng at times so can sypathise with your worries.

In the end it was a severe episode like this that led me to admit myself to residential care for a bit Chlopromazine semmed to help for a bit whilst I got myself together.

I'm no doctor but this all sounds like the symptoms of anxiety and / or depression, are you still taking the Prozac ? I'd say you need to see a phychiatrist for a proper asesment and maybe try another AD, I went throug 7 before I found one that I could vene tolerate physically and am currently undergoing CBT. Prozac just makes me throw up violently.

I know these are easy words to say but what you are experinacing are cbasically a form os anxiety induced panic attacks, the morning is always the worst time for anyone with depresion, have you trid some breathing excercises, I think the important thing is to try not to panic whe nthiongs get wierd, and they do get wierd don't they? but try to remember your safe and nothing bad is going to happen just try and ride it out as bst you can.

Now I'm much more stable on my AD and with soem counselling and I have vbery few episodes like this and when things bstart to get wierd I use my breathing excersises and genrally theyu subside without the need for me to run away and hide in the toilets!

Best Wishes PM me anytime if you wanna chat

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Unfortunately I don't know anyone who feels the same experiences

Group therapy can be a great place to look for people who are experiencing similar problems you are. Best of luck with everything!

 

[Dave]

Sounds familiar. Quick question: are you sober these days? I'm asking because it can happen that once the association develops, almost any drug can trigger anxiety or panic, and therefore also derealization. An IRL friend of mine is an alcoholic, slowly recovering, but used it to self-medicate for severe panic attacks. The thing is, after about a couple months of doing that, the attacks began to be triggered by his drinking. It took him years to make the connection though.

 

[Doomed2pain]

I have similar symptoms, and when my panics are bad there have been a few occasions where I thought I was going to die. I was admitted to hospital once, I'd been getting palpitations for 3 days straight, they just kept getting worse and worse until that night I was in bed trying to calm down and get my breathing under control and my heart down, but it ended up getting that bad that at it's height I felt this massive pop in my brain. I then needed to be sick, got up and immediately collapsed, my entire left side went numb. When the ambulance came they did an ECG, by that point my heart rate had really calmed down, I thought it was close to normal, the ECG read 175 beats per minute so I dread to think what it had been like at it's height. They kept me in hospital overnight attached to an ECG. It wasnt a stroke or heart attack but I suffered from paralysis for 3 days and then my night panic attacks started, my partner was so worried, he said I'd start thrashing about screaming in my sleep then sitting up bolt right, when he woke me up I was having another bad panic attack. Now I don't even need triggers to set off my attacks, I can have them for no reason at all.


I'd suggest medication and some form of therapy to try and get you well. I'm starting therapy now but have been told I need 3 years of intensive treatment, but I may need a lot longer and may never recover. Emdr might help too, I am waiting to start receiving this as we don't have many practitioners in this country.

All of your symptoms sound like my panic disorder. Sonic you want to chat, send me a pm or whatever. I know how horrible, and frightening it is. Hope you're ok.