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Cant take the PAIN anymore, cant kill myself, any ideas

Senescent Greenhorn

Senescent Greenhorn

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 12, 2021
Messages
5
Location
San Diego
I'm not sure if I'm posting any of this in the right spot but I'm sure the powers that B will send this where it belongs.
But first and foremost Hello everybody I'm a new B I personally have came to this forum to pose a question and see if there are any answers that may help me with my dilemma.
As my title says and my question that I am posing is, Tired of the pain cant kill myself so what next? A little back ground I was in a motorcycle accident a while back that left me broken and the pain that has followed long after is to much for me to handle without drugs. For years I made it on just injecting meth about .3mg a day not much for those recreational users I'm sure but enough to make it possible to function. But the effects of using have taken there toll and I want to get off the meth but unfortunately I broke my back in another motorcycle accident about 6 months ago and a friend brought me heroin to help then fetty I now have used fetty for 4 months again a laughable amount of about .1mg to .2 mg a day but again just enough to allow me to function . With out either of these I can't get out of bed with them I can force myself to get out of bed and go to work but I still have to use these drugs to do so. Any ideas on how to get rid of them completely and still be able to function would be most appreciated like I said I may not even be in the right place but I need help and in order to get help you gotta start somewhere.
 
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Hey there Mr. Greenhorn welcome to Bluelight. I am going to assume you can't get pain meds from a Dr. so you had to go to the street. Happens to the best of us. We get a script, misuse it and get cut off. That was me too.

The Dark web or kratom and phenibut are your only real options if you want to get off of the fent. Kratom and phenibut are good options for a lot of us that want to quit all street drugs but still get some relief from our maladies.

Do some google searches for kratom ( or just walk in to your local head shop ) and pick some up. It may help...it may not....but it is surely better than having to cop fent off the street.

Good luck man.
 
As much as I wish I had exactly the right words to help you in this moment, all I am qualified to say is that if you take these concerns to a doctor that you trust, -someone who can treat your conditions, they would be more equipped to help you navigate safely out of the predicament you're in, as long as there's a foundation of trust between you. Regardless, I hope you find some answers you can use.
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
Hey there Mr. Greenhorn welcome to Bluelight. I am going to assume you can't get pain meds from a Dr. so you had to go to the street. Happens to the best of us. We get a script, misuse it and get cut off. That was me too.

The Dark web or kratom and phenibut are your only real options if you want to get off of the fent. Kratom and phenibut are good options for a lot of us that want to quit all street drugs but still get some relief from our maladies.

Do some google searches for kratom ( or just walk in to your local head shop ) and pick some up. It may help...it may not....but it is surely better than having to cop fent off the street.

Good luck man.
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I recommend kratom, too. It's how I managed my chronic pain for years.

I would make the switch now while you're not using that much fent.

Try getting some from a local smoke shop or gas station first to try it. Later if you decide it's working you're going to want to buy it in bulk online because it's a fraction of the cost compared to smaller pre-packaged kratom from the store.
 
Many medications have different side-effects the older you are,
so can't really give any satisfying answer without knowing your age, your biological age would be best.

Also from your post I have gathered that the pain is chronic, however since the doses you took to treat the pain were very low, I assume it's moderate to mild pain, but chronic? Please correct me if I am wrong.

While the doctors can refuse to give you a script, they cannot refuse to give you advice on how you should treat your pain, and they can give you a better diagnosis and plan than anyone on the internet.

While I think Kratom might be an idea, it can be quite dangerous in the long term; you usually eat less & sleep less, that can have a big effect on your health. However, it's legality and free availability is of course a big factor
 
Hey Senescent!
Sorry to hear about your physical traumas. I know the pain relieving effects of amphetamines, very tempting. But they cause a lot of pain as you probably know, physical & mental. Skies get darker on amphetamine..for most people i know.

I agree with shardzvark, put out the feelers for a good doctor(s), clinics, services. They'll be out there for ya. Don't be afraid to mention to friends or family, this is the point to trust in the network

Ultimately for the physical pain & transforming out of addiction, a mind-body practice is the necessary thing it seems to me. Look up Chi Gung/Qi Gong & its efficiency over time for pain. Particularly if you have chronic pain/movement restriction, thats why i thought of that. The body/mind/spirit can do amazing things when unified through a practise & done in the right mood. But any physical practise that focuses on energy & breath, this makes rebirth possible.

Thats the reason we are alive on earth imo - to unify that body/mind/soul stuff. Physical pain & addiction gives us a front row seat to either the destructive or proactive options.

I know i'll only survive this liife if start putting the body/soul/mind into the same cup & continue it until its becoming its own trippy thing.

I know thats not short term advice but its a harsh lesson i have to learn too - to tune into the body, my body really doesnt want to do anything and if i continue that way it'll kill me. Chi Gung can be a real trip whatever your fitness level
 
Hey man, I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. Love and prayers sent your way. I'm gonna send this on over to TDS as it fits a little better there.
 
Sorry to hear you are in pain. I have MS and just quit fentanyl this past summer. I have a hydromorph script but i haven't used it much. I got back on methadone after day 4 cold turkey. The pain and mental anguish was to much to bare. Is methadone an option? I find it work great for pain plus keeps me away from fentadope or popping my script
 
I wanted to thank everybody that has responded and let you know I truly appreciate that each and everyone of you have tried to help in what ever way you know that's awesome I guess I was expecting a bunch of get over it dude, quite your winning or something like that but you all have had kind and truthful words so thank you. In a small way you have repaired a part of me through your responses.

Simstem, I am sorry to hear that you have suffered from chronic pain as well it is something I would not wish soon my worst enemy. When it's bad enough you lose yourself, you become someone who can not find joy or relax and it gets harder and harder to give anything to anyone because the pain consumes everything you have. I will look into Kratom.

Pumpkin2021 my situation was a little different I just never had health insurance I worked in the restaurant business for a large amount of my life and then moved into contracting so again no health insurance so I looked to what I could get that would allow me to function there was about a 4-5 year period where I used recreationally but for the most part I have kept to my one shot a day right before I go to bed. Thank you for the advise I will have to look into Kratom and phenibut, i have never heard of them but definitely will be googling.

Shardzvark I wish I had a doctor I trust I have just recently gotten health insurance and with the panic demic video office visits do nothing for growing trust in a doctor. But I did have one office visit with a pain management physician that I really liked and even opened up and told him I have in the past self medicated but I was not by any means truthful with him about it. Maybe I'll have to change that.

December Flower I am 48 years old and yes chronic and self medicating for about 15 years now but a total of 25 years of pain and my threshold is three the roof so I would have to say it's the severe pain of the last 10 years that have moulded my use. Somedays it will take me a couple of hours to get up and dressed but those have only been since my latest accident in April. For the most part it has just been moderately debilitating.

Blue Kringle as I progress in age I am beginning to agree with your body and mind approach and 💯percent agree with the power of the mind to heal all and I also have found that when your mind is set on feeling like for some reason you either deserve the pain or your fate is to have to deal with pain that it gets increasingly difficult to think outside of that box. I am down for looking into anything that can mentally put me in a better place or at least change my mind set to be more effective .

Neversickanymore I had a brother that suggested that and he came from a very similar back ground as me accept he delt with his pain through heroin and methadone was an obvious solution used to have to take I'm to his daily clinic and I guess I feel like that would be just trading drugs and not actually dealing with my problem.

deficiT you must B the powers that B thank you for sending me to my appropriate corner. Lol really thank for putting my question where it will have the best chance of attracting the right people. And thanks for this awesome place where those that truly want help can find some.

And if I missed anybody I apologize o will be rereading and I will most definatly get back to you.
 
Call a suicide hotline and talk for one hour for free tell your darkest shit to them then ask me what you should do what country are you in? Cali?

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline​

1-800-273-8255
 
simstim said:
I recommend kratom, too. It's how I managed my chronic pain for years.

I would make the switch now while you're not using that much fent.

Try getting some from a local smoke shop or gas station first to try it. Later if you decide it's working you're going to want to buy it in bulk online because it's a fraction of the cost compared to smaller pre-packaged kratom from the store.
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Kratom has helped me out of some dark places if not led me into them as a savage uncontrolled poly addict lol just dumped a good portion of an ounce out feared the hook and it was strong psychoactive not my type of headspace I am starting to learn the hard way
 
Jennn said:
Sorry to hear you are in pain. I have MS and just quit fentanyl this past summer. I have a hydromorph script but i haven't used it much. I got back on methadone after day 4 cold turkey. The pain and mental anguish was to much to bare. Is methadone an option? I find it work great for pain plus keeps me away from fentadope or popping my script
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Ah ha I just figured out how to respond to everybody indavidually. I think it was neversickanymore who also mentioned methadone, and maybe i should change my obvious bias opinion because of my brother and take a look at it. But it still feels like I would just be changing drugs and not actually dealing with my problem but maybe that is dealing with my problem by leagally obtaining a solution maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm never going to be drug free not with the way I played the cards dealt
 
dragonix said:
Call a suicide hotline and talk for one hour for free tell your darkest shit to them then ask me what you should do what country are you in? Cali?

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline​

1-800-273-8255
Click to expand...
Ya cali and not to worried about offing myself don't see that as much of a solution although it would fix my pain problem but wouldn't do anything for my recovery.
 
Senescent Greenhorn said:
Ah ha I just figured out how to respond to everybody indavidually. I think it was neversickanymore who also mentioned methadone, and maybe i should change my obvious bias opinion because of my brother and take a look at it. But it still feels like I would just be changing drugs and not actually dealing with my problem but maybe that is dealing with my problem by leagally obtaining a solution maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm never going to be drug free not with the way I played the cards dealt
Click to expand...
At first i didn't want to go back on methadone but i was doing a gram of fentadope a day and nodding off by myself, just risking my life. Now that i have been back on it for a couple months i feel so much better. I find it one of the best pain killers. I have hydromorphone but don't need to take any. Once i feel that high i would just keep popping them. I had problems at first accepting the fact i needed methadone but it's better then the alternative and in a year's time and alot of therapy i may be able to handle stress sober but for now i accept i need the help
 
Jennn said:
At first i didn't want to go back on methadone but i was doing a gram of fentadope a day and nodding off by myself, just risking my life. Now that i have been back on it for a couple months i feel so much better. I find it one of the best pain killers. I have hydromorphone but don't need to take any. Once i feel that high i would just keep popping them. I had problems at first accepting the fact i needed methadone but it's better then the alternative and in a year's time and alot of therapy i may be able to handle stress sober but for now i accept i need the help
Click to expand...
Ya I have denied and denied thinking I just need to be mentally stronger and then I find myself in bed for the fourth day. It starts with Day 1, cant get out of bed hurts to the point of tears I. Just going to lie back down. Day 2 DAMIT I flaked off everything yesterday I'm such an idiot why didn't I just deal with the pain I could have made it. Now pain and depression definatly not getting out of bed today. Day 3 what the F*</ is my problem who cares anymore I'm F*</ed now so F*</ it I give up. Day 4 I finally snap out of my self pity party and start to get up only to be slapped in the face with what started this whole mess pain cant get out of bed but today I find the strength and claw my way into the world of the living again. For a day or 3 I'm ok till one day the pain is so severe it makes me question my whole existence again and the vicious cycle starts all over again. So what I'm trying to say is maybe being mentally stronger doesn't consist of the ability to push myself out of bed on the bad days but to admit I need help even on the good ones. And find a solution that will allow me to thrive instead of just survive.
 
Senescent Greenhorn said:
Ya I have denied and denied thinking I just need to be mentally stronger and then I find myself in bed for the fourth day. It starts with Day 1, cant get out of bed hurts to the point of tears I. Just going to lie back down. Day 2 DAMIT I flaked off everything yesterday I'm such an idiot why didn't I just deal with the pain I could have made it. Now pain and depression definatly not getting out of bed today. Day 3 what the F*</ is my problem who cares anymore I'm F*</ed now so F*</ it I give up. Day 4 I finally snap out of my self pity party and start to get up only to be slapped in the face with what started this whole mess pain cant get out of bed but today I find the strength and claw my way into the world of the living again. For a day or 3 I'm ok till one day the pain is so severe it makes me question my whole existence again and the vicious cycle starts all over again. So what I'm trying to say is maybe being mentally stronger doesn't consist of the ability to push myself out of bed on the bad days but to admit I need help even on the good ones. And find a solution that will allow me to thrive instead of just survive.
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Understand you.There s a lot of mental pain too.Thats why so many people use drugs at all....or alcohol
 
Are you smoking marijuana? I know it can be addictive but it sure pillows gnarly suicidal pitfalls for me from drugs and booze i know I should avoid
 
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