keeping
Bluelight Crew
I used to be attractive.
This one thought keeps echoing around my head, I used to be good looking. I know its vain, and shallow, and that only makes me hate myself more. But when I was active in my addiction, I had great bone-structure. Not gaunt and hollow, just, nice. I could get any girl I wanted, even my guy friends complimented me.
Now I'm on all these horrible medications, I can't even fit into my old clothes, I cried trying to put on my favourite pair of jeans because nothing fits. I went to a friends party a few months ago and when I saw the pictures that I had been tagged in my heart just dropped, I look, I don't look like me anymore. I'm certain that somewhere in an attic there is a picture of me getting younger. My meds have stopped the panic attacks, and the voices, but I'm basically eating my emotions now. I feel nothing, except if being constantly hungry and tired is a feeling. My depression is worse than ever, I won't go out and see anyone, I've started avoiding meals, I have two starve days a week. I'm so close to snapping, to go back into using. I just want my life back, I want my face back, I want my clothes back.
I used to be happy.
This one thought keeps echoing around my head, I used to be good looking. I know its vain, and shallow, and that only makes me hate myself more. But when I was active in my addiction, I had great bone-structure. Not gaunt and hollow, just, nice. I could get any girl I wanted, even my guy friends complimented me.
Now I'm on all these horrible medications, I can't even fit into my old clothes, I cried trying to put on my favourite pair of jeans because nothing fits. I went to a friends party a few months ago and when I saw the pictures that I had been tagged in my heart just dropped, I look, I don't look like me anymore. I'm certain that somewhere in an attic there is a picture of me getting younger. My meds have stopped the panic attacks, and the voices, but I'm basically eating my emotions now. I feel nothing, except if being constantly hungry and tired is a feeling. My depression is worse than ever, I won't go out and see anyone, I've started avoiding meals, I have two starve days a week. I'm so close to snapping, to go back into using. I just want my life back, I want my face back, I want my clothes back.
I used to be happy.