Can I still talk to him ?

[Pagey]

Hellooo,

I posted about this guy (J) a couple months ago when I met him but there have been some further developments and I'm really confused as for what to do. Basically, the first week we met each other we got along super well, had absolutely everything in common, hung out every day and ended up kissing a few days later. This didn't turn into anything as he said we barely knew each other and he wanted to wait a couple weeks and then decide whether or not we should be more than just friends.
(I had a massive crush on him...still kinda do but I don't show it now)
A couple weeks later, I asked him about that, and he said he was happy with our (friendly) situation as it was now.
We continued to hang out regularly, bit less than before but still relatively often - did some pretty cool stuff together, like went to the Celebration Day premiere and saw Led Zeppelin and stuff. At that time though I was going through a lot of family problems and I did maybe open up a bit too much to him - he felt like a really safe person but it might have seemed like too much for him. I kinda regret telling him about it. Anyway, a bit after that premiere he stopped talking to me. Like literally, from one day to the next he basically started ignoring me. I continued to text him a bit at first, like before, asking if he wanted to hang out and stuff but he always seemed to be making up excuses so I just stopped trying, and stopped talking to him as well. I was really hurt and didn't really understand what had happened so suddenly.
A couple weeks ago I learned that he told a mate of his here about me. This mate is the boyfriend of a friend of mine so I'm only getting like the 3rd version of what J said, but anyway what I understood was that J thinks if he hangs out with me it's giving me false hope because it's making me think we can still be together. He also said he hadn't mean to kiss me in that first week but he was kinda drunk and yeah. But he didn't want us to become a couple, he just didn't/doesn't feel that way about us.
The thing is, I perfectly understood that he doesn't want us to be together. I'd just like to be friends wirh him because we do get along awesomely and we just have so much fun together. He told me he liked us as friends and I haven't tried ANYTHING to get him to change his mind or whatever since then - I haven't been flirty or suggestive or showed that I wanted more in any way.
So, 1) what the fuck is up with just suddenly ignoring me about something that happened like a month before? Bit of a weirdly delayed reaction no ?

Anyway, when I learned that he'd said that I resolved to just leave him alone. But last sunday, a friend of mine I was supposed to go to a concert with was sick and cancelled on me so I had an extra ticket - and I knew it was a concert J really wanted to come to so I invited him to come along with me, and he said yeah. We had a REALLY good time, it was absolutely awesome, just spent the whole night laughing together. When we got back (oh yeah, we live in the same building, university accomodation, btw) he said he'd had a great time and he was happy he'd come and 'see you soon'. It did sound like he'd be glad to see me again.
So my main question is - can I ask him if he wants to chill or go for a drink or whatever (as friends ofc)? I'm really afraid of texting him or anything now in case he thinks it's because I'm still trying to get with him. I don't want to make him feel awkward or give him the wrong impression but I'd be really sad to lose him as a friend. He didn't seem awkward at all around me on sunday so do you think that yeah, I can ask if he wants to hang out again? (he never texts anyone btw...it's always me first. But from what I've heard he's like that with most ppl).

Oh yeah and one last thing - his mates keep teasing us about sleeping together. Now I get that this is very probably just banter but it's just weird cuz it's been ongoing for weeks and weeks and it's all of his friends - and I'm the only girl they do that too as far as I know. For instance when I put up that I was at the concert as my status on fb sunday, one of them said something about making sure J keep his dick in his pants, and then another one commented on a really old picture of me saying 'Is this your background picture J?'
I know it pobably means nothing but it's just weird because they do it so much...dyou think he might possibly have told them something about me? I doubt he'd've told them I was interested in him, he's a good guy.

Anyway, any advice would be much appreciated, I'm really at a loss as for what to do. thanks

P.S. and sorry for the length/ if this isn't really clear, I did my best!
P.P.S if that changes anything, he's 19, I'm 18 and we're both in our first year at uni.

 

[Psyduck]

Are you not having sex with some other dude X also? (Remember, Pagey quote "walk of shame back home" somewhere in TL...). Well, if you are having some action with this other guy X. Just say something along the lines: "Hey J, want to hang out, I have really a lot of fun with you, and I miss hanging out with you. I don't think X bothers me hanging out with other guys." This would be my advice *if* you just wanted to be friends. This way you make it very clear that the kissing incident one month ago is history for you and you have moved on.

Unfortunately, I suspect that you still have a big crush on him. Spending more time (in the end) will only make these feelings more intense, resulting in you getting hurt badly. Maybe, just wait a bit longer until the crush has cooled off a bit more? He lives in the same building, so he will definitely be around for some time.

P.S. To backup the guy, I think you should consider it a nice gesture that he cut off contact with you. He could just have used you for sex and destroy your heart a month later. He was very considerate of your feelings and acted good IMO.

 

[Pagey]

Uh yes I'm having sex with this other guy but we're not together, it's purely platonic so really none of his business who I wanna hang out with or not =P (just like he can sleep with whoever else he wants too)
J doesn't know anything about that btw.

I do still have feelings for him although they've cooled down considerably compared to a month or two ago but yeah, I did consider just cutting off contact with him for my sake...but the thing is I think I value him too much as a friend to be able to do that

Oh and yes, I know his intentions are really good and he's never tried to hurt me or anything, quite the contrary - it's just I feel he could have maybe explained the situation to me rather than just you know...ignoring me. But I'm certainly not blaming him in any way.

 

[Psyduck]

Maybe as a compromise only do group-activities together? Invite him to join you and your friends etc. Doing group-activities reduces the chances of getting too emotionally bonded when hanging out with him alone. This way you can still hang out but keep some distance.

Best of luck

 

[Pagey]

Ah yes forgot to mention that - we've got absolutely no friends in common...well I've talked to a few of his mates but now that they tease us about sleeping together I'd feel a little weird hanging out with him and them tbh. Sorry I'm just making this more and more comlpicated as we go on haha. I mean otherwise yeah I'd rather do group things with him but I just don't know how to arrange that...the only thing coming up is he's promised to come to my bday party in 3 weeks but that's kinda different cuz like 40ppl are coming.

Thanks

 

[Stevenski]

My experience earlier this year might help you or might confuse you more Pagey.........

There is a woman who I had a huge crush on. I still remember the moment I saw her 6 years ago across an auditorium. Now this woman was "way out of my league" & I was in the throes of a pathalogical gambling addiction that eventually broke me. It was kept to small talk & she moved to another city but I would see her from time to time as we work for the same company. Still all friendly like & we worked in different divisions but that all changed when I followed my heart & moved to be with my soul mate in Melbourne.

Now we were working for the same company in the same city. We both were in serious relationships & we had a fun & flirtatious working relationship. I was sober by this stage & I could see there was strong mutual attraction. One day I saw her in the smoking area & she was visibly upset about something. I told her to get her bag & I was taking her out for lunch & was not taking no for an answer.

Over lunch we had our first real conversation in 5 years of knowing each other. This was not superficial flirting & banter but deep meaningful discussion. Our lunch went for 3 hours & we both openly talked about how our relationships were on the rocks & what we were going to do about it. The next day she rang me & asked me out for lunch. We started having long lunches daily & really just enjoyed each others company. She was dropping very heavy hints about no strings sex but I loved my lady & I don't cheat on people I love.

Fast forward a few months & she left her fiancee of 8 years & I left my soul mate. We did not leave our partners for each other or anything like that we just enjoyed hanging out with each other & having fun. There was no sex involved & I was very very conscious of exploiting her emotional vulnerability. We went out one night & got blind drunk ending up back at her place. Turned out we were both way too drunk to fuck but that ended up being a good thing. We now lived near each other & everyone at work was talking about our "affair" that we were not having. I had a lot of sly comments made to me by people & it really fucking sucked.

We had breakfast one Saturday & laid our cards out on the table with no bullshit. We agreed our friendship was the best thing that had happened in the last year & we both found each other more than a lil attractive. She described us as kindred spirits & she had never met someone who does not judge her on anything just accepts her as she is. Ended up getting down to the sex part & I told her that I slept with my best friend when we were both 18 & our friendship was never the same after. Turned out that by mutual agreement it was better to stay ridiculously close friends than potentially risk complicating the friendship. We had our window to fuck & that was when we were both in relationships now we were single we became too close as friends.

It was a good decision as by that stage I was over my crush & also realised that she would be a shocking enabler for me as she was used to paying for everything. When she met a guy a couple of months ago I was happier for her than she was & our friendship is unchanged. We have a strange friendship as we give each other a big kiss when we say hello & goodbye but it is one of true friendship not passion.

A bit of a rant but the advice I have is just have a frank one on one discussion with this guy & be honest. If you are over the crush (or can separate it from the friendship) then tell him so & explain how you just enjoy hanging out & have no ulterior motives. His friends sound immature but they are young.

 

[Mel22]

To be honest, it sounds like you came on pretty strong initially (pushing for something more after a short period of time, texting a lot etc.) and it seems like it spooked him.

I think you should play it cool, and let him text or call you if he wants to hang out.

 

[Pagey]

Thanks for the answers
Stevenski - yeah, I'd thought about simply clearly telling him that no, I'm not lookign for anything to happen between us anymore and I genuinely just enjoy seeing him as a friend. The thing is I don't know if it would be a good idea to bring the whole situation up again? I mean it was literally like two months ago and we had some sort of mutual unspoken agreement to pretend it never happened (although apparently that didn't work for him) so I'm afraid if I talk about it again it might just bring all the awkwardness back...it could swing both ways I guess but I'm afraid of messing this up even more

To be honest, it sounds like you came on pretty strong initially (pushing for something more after a short period of time, texting a lot etc.) and it seems like it spooked him.

I think you should play it cool, and let him text or call you if he wants to hang out.

Yeah I definitely came on way too strong, can't stop beating myself up about it. I usually wouldn't act like that at all but I was in a dark place so I think I kinda clung on to him because he felt so safe and stuff...I did explain it to him/apologize afterwards, when things got better, but that probably didn't make much of a difference.
I think I'll take your advice though and let some more time pass and just see what happens.

 

[Tude]

If I were you, if tell him what you told us in your first post. Basically, "Hey, I think you're cool. Let's be friends!" I know you won't make it sound as lame as I did lol. I'm just worried you'll end up getting attached to him, but you sound like you understand you've been "friend-zoned."

About his friends teasing you about having sex with him, they're probably just being asses lol. You say you came on strongly in the beginning. They probably picked up on it. Doesn't mean J told them anything, although it's possible. They sound like they're doing the old "Pagey and J sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g!" chant. I wouldn't read anything into it. My friends tease me about fucking different guys all the time. They're just being asses :D

 

[Pagey]

Hahah. So you agree I should tell him upfront what I want us to be now rather than continuing as we've been doing and just pretending the first couple of weeks of me coming onto him never happened?
But yeah I certainly got the message that he's not interested in me in that way and I'm not going to try to change his mind, I'll respect his feelings and do what I can to not make him uncomfortable around me and stuff.
By the way, let this be proof to all the male 9gaggers out there that us girls can get friend-zoned as well

Mmh they definitely wouldn't have picked up on it, they moved in about two weeks after J and I did cuz their universities started later. That's why I'd gotten a little surge of hope thinking maybe they were teasing me because J had said something (positive) about me but yeah...probably not lol

Thanks for the input!

 

[parachuteantics]

I personally do not think *many* male and females can be friends without one having some sort of attraction to the other. As a female, being in a situation like yours before, I would say move on, stop thinking about him this much, and treat him as a friend. For example, I text my friend to go the movies and we go, then sometimes I am too busy to meet them the next couple of weeks, no biggie. If he's a true friend, he will hang out with you in a couple of weeks even if it's something low key. He may just sort of disappear from your life if he truely doesn't want to be your friend or only sees you as still liking him. Just my two cents...