Can I fix this? I betrayed my best friend

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

I need guidance. My best friend who was a shy, intelligent, caring, responsible person has had a steadily worsening problem with opiates since her life began to unravel almost a year ago. She also drinks a lot, but she always has. A year ago she was engaged (I was going to be the maid of honor) after a 5 or so year relationship with the guy. There were gambling and pill issues on his part. One night, her fiance threatened to kill himself, then tried to kill her. He ended up committed to a hospital, then went to live out of state with family.

She was left alone. Closure didn't come for months.

She found comfort in her ex-fiance's "best friend." Then he was arrested and charged with committing a violent crime. Throughout everything with her, he's playing on her sympathies and concerns with his court case.

After they begin a sexual relationship one night, she later tries to explain her feelings about sex and relationships (she's a monogamous person). He doesn't want to define what they have, but later says something like: "if I had to define what this is, I guess I would call it a relationship." He gives her drugs to make up for lying to her and not contacting her for days (and in at least one instance weeks) on end. This guy is a manipulative scum-bag piece of shit. He also has a girlfriend, which she may still not be aware of. She stopped talking to me for over a month on 2 different occasions when I tried to tell her what he was doing and the games he was playing...but the fucking text messages he sent her...he's good...

I've started typing this up at least 5 times already. There is either too much detail, or too much scatterbraindedness because I'm stuck and upset. Sorry it is so long. Skip ahead to the last couple paragraphs to just read the basic question if you'd like.

Her parents noticed the changes in her as well. Me and her last 2 friends here were tossing around the idea for an intervention for her. I wanted to time it with when she was supposed to be moving in with the guy for a 3rd time (TWICE he abandoned her and would refuse to answer his phone or wouldn't text her for days after he left her without a place to stay the day she was supposed to move...3rd time was sure to not happen either.) One of the other people contacted her parents and explained everything except the drug issues she was having to her parents and refused to tell them one way or the other if she had a drug problem, but her parents wanted to have an intervention for her anyway because they strongly suspected she did.

Here's where I betray my best friend...When they called me, I tell them what she has been taking and started explaining things to them like what suboxone is and how she could benefit from it (she'd been having withdrawals when she went more than 3 days without seeing the guy) amongst other things. Now, before they called me, they had airplane tickets and let me know this in the conversation. I being apparently naive to how irrational her mother is and how little this woman actually knows about an intervention, I thought that they were flying into town to plan the damn thing. Next morning, I got into a nasty fight with her mother because the woman hadn't listened to anything I'd said to her AND SHE WENT AND CALLED MY BEST FRIEND, STARTED AN ARGUMENT WITH HER, AND TOLD HER I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD THEM WHAT DRUGS SHE WAS TAKING. So, to change the subject in an argument, she did the one thing she told me she wouldn't do...I was the only person left that my best friend really and truly TRUSTED and her mom selfishly took that away from her in some pissy fit of poor parenting.

I was fully expecting to tell my friend what I said myself...at her intervention...when I could tell her how much I cared about her and wanted to see her overcome everything that has befallen her this past year...things never go as planned and this is heading towards worst case scenario.

From listening to people who like to talk about others, I found out last night that my best friend was arrested very recently after passing out while putting groceries in the back seat of her car in a convenience store parking lot. Roxies were on her person and VISIBLE on front seat of the car. Possession charges...she may have to go through Drug Court like I did years ago...but I'm afraid she's going to OD either accidentally or on purpose before that. The guy is out of the picture (she found a new connect in the last 3 weeks) The other two friends she hates. She's been avoiding her parents. And even more so me...

She doesn't seem to have anyone. It kills me because this wasn't supposed to be how this all happened. If her mom hadn't been so juvenile I don't think she would even have the charges she does right now...she wouldn't have gone this far down even with the guy ignoring her permanently.

We're both shy and anxious people. Face-to-face convo isn't even remotely possible right now as she hides when I simply come online until I hide, then she un-hides...yeah, she's that angry. We're still facebook friends...but that isn't saying much either because so is everyone else she hates right now. I'm pretty sure she will ignore my calls too and I suck expressing emotions verbally. Do you think I should apologize for my actions via email? I know this post may make it seem unlikely, but I am actually pretty good with written language.


Do you think there's a chance she would ever consider us friends ever again? If your best friend and confidant invaded your privacy (because physical symptoms you were presenting indicated you were at risk of ODing), then weeks later told your parents about your drug problem...could you ever forgive the person? Would you ever talk to them again...

...even if you were at/near rock-bottom and there was nobody else there who genuinely cared only for your best interests?

 

[Lucid Dream]

You did the right thing, and don't ever question it again. My uncle died of opiate addiction, I went through it for a year a while back, and my brother is been using everyday for 1.5 years. He steals from me. You don't want to to come of your friend. The best thing you can do in situations like that is tell the people that care about them the truth. Because you know the drug addict hasn't spoken truth since they started.

 

[amapola]

You were put in an impossible situation and acted as you saw fit. No one can blame you for that. You may have saved your friend's life and hopefully, when she has recovered, she will recognize that. If she doesn't recover and her hate, anger and the drugs consume her, then at least you tried, and even if she kicks the dope and still resents you for your "betrayal" what more can you do?

edit: I just wanted to add that a lot of people cover up their shame and embarrassment by acting angry. No one wants their friends to call their mother (even if they need it) and it's never nice to be failing at life.

 

[bagochina]

Do you think I should apologize for my actions via email?

YES! Better yet why don't you call her and leave a message.

If your best friend and confidant invaded your privacy (because physical symptoms you were presenting indicated you were at risk of ODing), then weeks later told your parents about your drug problem...could you ever forgive the person? Would you ever talk to them again...

I don't know things like that are a huge invasion of privacy, no matter how much you rationalize risks of OD. I wouldn't expect much unless she cleans up. I have had people that have tried to help me get clean years ago [just by giving me support] and I cut those people out of my life completely. Now 10 yrs after the fact I barely talk to them.

Why didn't you confront her directly rather than going to her parents? I suppose it really doesnt matter though. Good luck I would just apologize and maybe express concern, hopefully you would catch her at a good time or rather a time when she feels like talking.

peace.
seedless

 

[Lolie]

You did what you could live with. It's important to remember that we get to control our actions but not their outcome. Your friend may see it as a well intentioned gesture eventually or she might not.

There's every chance that even if the planned intervention had taken place she would have resented and isolated from everyone involved. Interventions are essentially ultimatums and it's never wise to issue an ultimatum unless you're willing to live with the person rejecting the option you want them to choose.

I'd apologise and leave it at that. Whether or not your friend forgives you is entirely her choice - it's not something you can demand. It sounds like you feel a need to "rescue" this particular friend from her bad choices. Be careful with that inclination in future - it tends to lead to very unhealthy relationships of all kinds.

 

[PhrostByte]

She'll forgive you.. but not yet, cuz she's still an addict and has her head in the clouds... I should know, I'm an addict too! I'm not only the president, I'm also a client.

 

[Asclepius]

^ This!

She's damn lucky to have a friend like you, there's factors here that are to blame but your not one of them.
Do apologise above and beyond because she will feel betrayed, and like you said she needs to feel secure now so she wont do anything stupid, but she isn't in a place where she can see the big picture of whats goin on.
I remember when i was stuck in my delusional Addictions and very sick, my folks were very manipulative in order to get me help, at the time I felt so Victimised and Paranoid but after I started to get healthier, and got my head out of my Ass, I understood that this was the most loving thing they could have done for me. Im forever indebted to them.
Dont beat yourself up for this, you sound like an Adorable person and you cant control all of this, just be honest with her about your intentions and leave it. Best of luck to both of you and keep us posted.

 

[ErikTheRed]

I know you're acting in her best interest here and what you did was difficult and probably the right thing ultimately, but I understand her anger.

I recently was in a similar situation as your friend here. After kicking heroin I decided to tell my sister about my past addiction, as I had never told a family member before and I thought the experience could be cathartic. About a week after confessing to her I spent what I thought was a pleasant afternoon with my sister. However later that day I found out she had told my parents that I was on opiates while I was with her. I wasn't on opiates but apparently my behavior made her suspicious. To this day I don't know how she came to that conclusion, but that isn't the point.

I knew she was acting out of concern and had my best interests in mind and I appreciated that. But what angered me beyond belief was that she bypassed me and went to my parents. Which made me feel like a lowly little teenager again... which is a terrible feeling when you're a fully grown adult. I cannot stress enough how demeaning it can be to have a friend go to your parents/significant others before yourself.

You really need to talk to her face-to-face. As difficult as it may be, there really is no substitute.

I cannot stress the importance of trying your absolute hardest to intervene directly before telling someone's loved ones your concerns. Angry addicts are even more irrational/destructive from my own experience.

 

[Lolie]

^^^

I think the issue also arises of why people feel that one kind of bad life decision - drug abuse - justifies disclosure to third parties and others do not. That issue becomes even more complex when the third parties are family as many people seek in adulthood to distance themselves from their families and intentionally choose not to share any personal information with them (often with good reason). In those circumstances, the disclosure's going to be seen as fundamentally no different than telling someone's personal stuff to their worst enemy.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and provide me with your sensitive and thoughtful replies. I appreciate your insight more than you will ever know!

I feel I need to clarify some things as I was really upset when I initially wrote out the post:

1. No real intervention took place. Her parents came into town, talked to me and one other friend (the third friend completely pussied out) and we left. She spoke with her parents and told them that she didn't have a drug problem, and she was staying here and moving in with the guy at the beginning of October.

2. If the intervention had actually been planned and executed when initially planned, she would have gone willingly with her parents back home. The intervention was more to convince her to leave the guy and our city and move back with her parents, then be assessed for drug treatment if necessary. She was only staying here for him. The timeline is important, because this guy had no intention of letting her move in. He'd stopped her moving in with him TWICE already after promising she could...after both times he wouldn't communicate with her at all for days/weeks after. This last failure on his part, would have put her in a place where she would have finally been receptive to accepting help. But her mother and father jumped the gun and had next-day plane tickets before they contacted me.

3. Someone else contacted her parents and expressed concern about her mental state. That's why her parents bought the next-day plane tickets. I was called after this happened because they wanted to know exactly how she was.

4. Her mother asked me if she was on drugs because the person who contacted them refused to tell. I told her that was something her daughter should discuss with her, and it wasn't my place to discuss this with her. I explained that my best friend/her daughter felt that her relationship with both parents had just started getting better again and I was sure it would be discussed when we had the intervention if it was still an issue. Her mother then starts sobbing, tells me their relationship hasn't been good for months. She knows my best friend is on drugs and proceeds to tell me about her behavior, lying, disorganization, physical appearance, health problems and extreme variations of these things she witnessed during her visit to her daughter's apartment a few weeks prior...finally, she mentions the the long bathroom trips and how she would either sleep or stumble around afterwards and asked me to tell her what she was using so they could explore treatment options...so I told her she had an opiate dependency and was at the point of experiencing physical withdrawals when she didn't have any. I told her what I had found in her room when she was staying with me for a few weeks while she was in between residences because the guy disappeared and wouldn't talk to her at all the day she was supposed to move in with him.

5. During the 4-6 weeks my best friend stayed in my spare room, I tried to talk to her multiple times. She completely DENIED USING opiates and became incredibly angry one of the last times I brought it up.

6. More than once (in topically appropriate conversations) I told her what can help alleviate the unpleasantness of opiate withdrawals. Unfortunately, she did not make the connection between the nasty physical and psychological symptoms she experienced with opiate withdrawals. Instead, she associated the symptoms with the periods of time when she could not see him. She was head-over-heels infatuated with him; and he was her only supplier til very recently. She blamed her symptoms on depression or stress.

7. Less than a week after the guy ends everything with her for good, she blows so much oxycodone she passes out putting groceries in her car. Pill on seat and on her person. Gets arrested and charged with 3rd degree felony for possession. She is an ideal candidate for our drug court program which I want to discuss with her as I successfully completed the program in 2006. Our program is lenient compared to most. The record can be sealed or expunged which is her best option if she wants to get her life back on track...her dream is to be a vet, but if she doesn't get herself together now, I don't think she'll get back on that track ever.

8. Finally, this girl watched me fuck up my life with cocaine 6-7 years ago. She tried talking to me about it and I denied it because the cocaine was the only thing keeping me going. If I acknowledged the problem it became too real and it was too big of a problem to fix without my life crashing down around me. I know where she's coming from...I've been there.

9. I'm the one who introduced her to drugs. I gave her esctasy the night we met...I didn't know she was drunk at the time and wouldn't have tried it had she been sober...I owe it to her to try.

I'm biking over to her apartment now. Fingers crossed that she's home, she'll let me in, and her roomates aren't home. Thanks again!

 

[attempt4]

Please keep us in the know, godspeed, all the best.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

I got there and her roommate and his GF were out. Her car was parked crooked in the lot...when she's sober, she parks straight.

I sent her two texts letting her know i was there to bring by her mail that had come to my house. I chain smoked a couple of cancer sticks before i worked up the nerve to go up to the door and knock. (The previous night i had gone over there, had a panic attack and left without my presence being noticed.)

I'm almost certain she was home when i went last night...i called her before i left and she sent the call to voicemail (too many rings for her phone to be off and too few to go to voicemail automatically.) I left a msg and went home. I'm pretty sure she watched me leave from the front window.

I am going to try again tonight or tomorrow during the day (she should be off work.

 

[PhrostByte]

Keep trying sis... you're doing the right thing and we all support you.

 

[starEkstasis]

u no, wen i was kinda courting but really intent on befriendin my now fella who was a heroin addict - all i cud do to reach him was write the odd sweet card that i knew wud mean smg to him - like a funny picture or copy him a fave cd he dint have, or even post sum sweets thru his door... just another idea. i think she's praps not 2 impressed w u rite now 2 receive gifts of sweeties (b4 anyone else jumps on that one - aha! beat u 2 it). but... a suitable card maybe mite reach her and break the ice. patience . she may thank u in the distant future

 

[mister_grimpus]

You were only trying to look out for your friend, to ensure that she remains safe and healthy. You didn't do anything wrong. Also, this friend of yours has way too many problems right now to remain a good friend to you, so I don't think you will really be missing out on anything if she is willing to hate you forever over something so stupid. She should be glad as hell that you were watching out for her. Let her go and be with dirtbags who want to abuse and use her if that is what she wants and cares about more than true friendship with you.

In the end, and I'm sure you already know this, even though you don't seem to want to acknowledge it, there is absolutely nothing that you can do for this friend of yours. She is the one who has to do something for herself.